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Opinions please on family drama....
Posted: Jul 21, 2014
Unfortunately, my husband and I are having a dispute over his sister. The brief background of the situation is in the spring my 85yo MIL went to stay with my SIL who lives about an hour away from us because she had a Baker's cyst and was having a hard time walking. This was supposed to be only until she had an appointment for an epidural injection and then she was to have home therapy and come home. MY SIL never took her to any of her appointments. During this whole episode my MIL was writing checks for tens of thousands of dollars to everyone and there was a whole bunch of cash involved, etc. My MIL tries to manipulate and cause trouble with her money. I just stay out of it and when I asked I respond that it is not my business. Of course, there was all kinds of trouble and fighting between my husband and his 2 sisters that my MIL fueled as best as she was able. In the end, my MIL was unable to walk at all because my SIL would not let her out of a wheelchair and was overmedicating her, etc., and eventually my SIL had some sort of a meltdown and literally kicked my MIL out and she came home. She is now doing better and is walking with a walker. During all of this hub-bub my SIL sent a text to my husband that I was an F*n N-word B (I'm half black) on top of a long list of super nasty insulting things. I stayed out of the whole situation, but I told my husband that I was never going to have anything to do with his sister again. EVER. I never liked her in the first place, but I tolerated her for 20 years. She is really white trash, been married several times, was a horrible mother, a prescription pill addict and collects Disability for no real reason. So now that this has blown over my husband says I should forget it and go camping with her. Are they delusional? NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN. Am I wrong here? I have also said that my children will not be camping with her either and she will NEVER have anything to do with my children again, not that she had much to do anyway because I would never trust her drug-addled mind to be able to be alone with them.;
Short answer: - No, you are not wrong here.
[ In Reply To ..]I wouldn't want anything to do with her ever again; nor would I want my children around her. And I wouldn't be happy about DH wanting me to just be happy bygones, either.
Nope, you're not wrong - MtMT
[ In Reply To ..]I would have done the same thing. **Stand your ground and stay strong. Good luck to you.
No way, no how, uh uh. - Stick to your guns
[ In Reply To ..]No. No one who ever uses that kind of language gets a second chance. Period.
Stick to your guns. I can't believe your hubby says to just forget it and let it go. That's so uncool on his part. I get that he might not want to cut ties with his family, but if he didn't stand up for you and give his sister the dressing down of her life for using that kind of language about you, the two of you had better have a serious talk about the strength of your relationship.
No kidding... - OP
[ In Reply To ..]When the whole thing was happening, he was absolutely furious, but then his other sister apparently stole a lock box with $5000 in it and, for some unclear reason to me, he was able to forgive his other sister. I keep telling him that the money situation has nothing to do with what she said about me and is really not my concern. She said what she said, not only said it, but texted it apparently to document it for time and memorial. He says it is not her fault, that she is just stupid and we can't fault her for that????? Well its not my fault she is stupid either and I don't have time for her kind of garbage and I would not have my children exposed that type of trash. We have a good relationship, been married for 20 years, but I told him not to test me on this.
he cant help who his family is but - he chose you to live with
[ In Reply To ..]so he needs to stand by your side. He should take up for you if his family attacks you (verbally or physically) and you should do the same if the situation were reversed.
The problem when someone gives voice to the prejudices inside their head is that you become aware that they are prejudiced. They won't change for you, they aren't capable of it by the time it gets to that stage. You are responsible for your children, and they need to see that their mother is intolerant of crazy prejudiced behavior, in strangers or in family. You have a responsibility to them first.
Camping is a very intimate activity - close quarters, shared eating, etc. It is a place ripe for a disagreement to break out at any moment. I would only agree to meet her at a neutral and public location such as a restaurant in the future where you can get up out of your chair and take your children home if need be, not in a camping setting where there is no chance to retain some degree of grace and dignity if something happens.
It sounds like your husband wants everyone to get along, and I get that, but she rang a bell that can't be unrung. Forgive her for your sake (not hers), but don't ever forget who she has shown herself to be. Be civil and graceful when/if a need arises. Going camping is not that place.
Let HIM have a relationship with HIS sister - wheres_my_job
[ In Reply To ..]Who needs all the drama and hassle? Wish her the best, sounds like she is really struggling with some issues. Let it go.
Relax and enjoy your family. If she wants to make amends at some time - after some serious soul-searching and cleaning up her act - then let her.
But, I wouldn't hold your breath.
Life is short, too short for this kind of drama. Support your husband in HIS relationship with HIS sister. That does not have to include you.
SIL - anon
[ In Reply To ..]It's something I'm slowly learning myself. Sometimes you have to cut people out of your life. They're a drain and nobody should have to deal with that. The problem I've realized usually comes when I allow myself to explain my reasoning or allow myself to get drawn in. If you roll in the dirt with pigs you get dirty, (and mostly of all and this blew me away) the pig LIKES it. Am I a it more lonely now, yep, but peaceful and lonely beats company and chaos any day. Hubby wants to go let him. I wouldn't allow my kids within a 10 ft pole of her. I also have a mixed child. The aunt on her father's side of the family called me one day and accused me of drinking while I was pregnant, that my child was underweight because of it (6 lb 6 oz) and she was going to pursue CPS over it. Well those in glass houses should NOT throw stones. I explained to her that would be fine with me but we could also explain that when she was 17 she let her boyfriend MURDER her 4 yr old and that poor child to this day (my daughter is now 13) still has no head stone. She, of course, comes up with the brilliance of she's going to kick my white A**. I told her she knew my address and hung. That's the last time she ever spoke to me. I just won't do it anymore. Your MIL - my mother. I have only the absolutely necessary conversations and THAT. IS. IT. Misery loves company and I'm not paying a visit, ever anymore!! You absolutely doing the right thing. (And hubby really should stick up for you!! - it's HIS sister).
First off, has she apologized? - KC
[ In Reply To ..]To you directly and in a heartfelt and contrite manner? If not, this question shouldn't even be on the table. It's not even a discussion. That's not to say that an apology means you should go by any means. You're right to stick to your guns.
Why ruin a fine activity with people - like that???
[ In Reply To ..]Sounds miserable, if you ask me. Poison ivy allergies come on very suddenly. Yours can, too. Undoubtedly did since last summer.
I am sure their campground is infested with ticks, chiggers, mosquitoes, and bears. Lyme disease, encephalitis, chikungunya, yellow fever.
Beg off on health reasons, enroll the kids in the library summer reading program, and be done with it.
The name she called you is disgusting - but so is white trash
[ In Reply To ..]I don't blame you for not wanting to be around her, but please don't go tit for tat with the name-calling. Not cool.
SIL - anon
[ In Reply To ..]Sorry if I gave the wrong impression. Not at all suggesting tit for tat; hence, the statement of if you roll around with pigs you get dirty and the pig likes it. My issue was SIL is NOT the kind of person you want to be around if you are anything but white. I don't care how politically correct she tries to act like, she's racist, plain and simple. I live in a small rural town and although it has become much more diverse in the 13 yrs since my daughter was born, the parade of stupid still exists every so often. I WILL NOT tolerate or allow my daughter around anyone who likes racist "jokes", blows off steam with racist comments etc. This SIL has this in her and believe it or not there are sects of every race that is laughing behind others' back in a racial and demeaning way. I think I knew my daughter would be okay here when one of her friends asked if she'd rather go to the mall or tanning. My daughter just looked at her and said duh?!? The little friend just laughed. It had completely missed her that my daughter was mixed. If SIL sees you as a color in any way I would stay away from her. Poisonous people aren't worth it. I don't even know that I would make an excuse about going. Tell your husband the truth and if he wants to explain it to HIS sister that's his decision. My answer would be a simple "no". When you start coming up with excuses or explaining yourself you're jumping back in with the pig! Good luck and I'm sorry you have to put up with the ignorant BS!
People are such idiots... - sm
[ In Reply To ..]The funny thing is, in the general population of the world, I never had any trouble with racist comments, etc. Most people can't tell what I am, but they can tell I'm not white. Some ask and I'll answer. The only people I have encountered who said racist things to me have been people close to me or family. Weird. My father was married to a woman who called me N***wool because my hair was nappy. I left home at 16 and never saw or spoke to her again. My husband's ex used to call me any racist name she could think of, covering the entire rainbow because she was not sure of my race. I just laughed. She was a crazy fool and everybody knew it. I was actually given custody of her 4yo son and have raised him as my own since. And then there is this idiot, my SIL. Considering the source, it does not hurt me, but I just cannot involve myself with her. She's a moron. At the time, I said if that is the worst she can come up with, I must be doing pretty well in life. I'm sure your daughter will grow well and be happy as long as she has a good family. One nice thing about being of mixed race is that I have aged extremely well, as black skin is less prone to wrinkles, so she has that to look forward to.
Family Drama - Totally on your side
[ In Reply To ..]I am totally on your side--I have a very evil for lack of a better word SIL who is so backhanded and mean. She isn't nice to ANYONE. She made my daughter's life miserable when she was staying with her grandpa going to college (55-year-old SIL single and living at home STILL) and I will never forgive her for what she put her through. If your husband wants to keep the peace by not confronting her so be it but he should support you and your children and your decision not to expose yourself to an impossible situation. My SIL has always been a mean person, very self serving and I'm sure as we speak has taken financial advantage of my now 93-year-old FIL with a failing memory. I'm with you, I stay out of the financial stuff because it really doesn't involve me but I've planted the seed in the other rather trusting siblings to take care of themselves and make sure no shenanigans have been performed and once my FIL is gone, the house is suddenly in her name only along with his assets. It sounds terrible to say but she is evil enough to do that. I feel for you and your situation. You are making the best decision for your own mental health as well as your children's.
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