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Need some advice for break up & other relationship drama!

Posted: Apr 28, 2010

Hi all! Hoping I can get some other womanly feedback/advice! My current (former) boyfriend and I are in the process of breaking up. We've been together for 8 years, never married (a HUGE issue for me), live together still (not romantically) and have a 2 year old together. We fight, nothing physical but have our ugly moments.

When BF got job transfer out of state, I gave up my (extremely) good paying job to move with him to a very rural area. We just found out about baby coming so decided that since the new area did not have many job prospects, I would be a SAHM (stay at home mom). So other than going to school for MT, that's what I've been doing. We talked about getting married, bought a ring that I wore for a few years, but no matter how many times I talked about it, he never followed through. I gave up asking, years go by and no marraige. He fails to follow through on anything though.

Move forward a couple years, so many unresolved issues led to me being finished with the relationship and want to move on. I have come to realize that: 1. He will never committ to marraige; 2. he will never change; 3. we have nothing in common other than casual conversations about our child; 4. we have zero chemistry; 5. i am not in love with him, frankly, I am embarrassed to say I never truly was in love with him but in love of the idea of him and what he promised...okay, so I have my own issues LOL. I can list all the things that have happened over the years that I just can not forgive/forget just yet and I am having a hard time with that as I want to be a happy person again.

Anyways...I want out. He doesn't. I have told him in so many ways that I'm not in love with him, he refuses to see that but insists that if he changes or does this/that, I will fall in love with him and we'll be a happy little family again. I do not see my future with him and have told him that.

Today I filed child custody paperwork. He hit the ceiling. I have been telling him for months now I want to move back out West to be closer to my family and where I am sure to sure a decent job to support myself and child. He says if I leave the state, he will charge me with kidnapping and will seek full custody. He is sure he will get it too since I don't work/show income to support us. Although, my work history has been stable with very good income since I was able to work at 15. He has the funds to hand over to a lawyer and I don't.

So what should I do?!? My family is ready to fly down here, rent a truck and move us out ASAP. I do not want to do anything to jeopardize future chances of custody nor want to engage in a nasty battle with him. If I could find decent paying job here, I would love to stay so he can have a decent relationship with our child. He told me often times that if I did leave, he would not see his son all but once a year. I told him that is ridiculous and if that is the case, that is unfortunate for him but it will be his own doing/choice.

Ugh...sorry so long!! I just need to get this out and get some feedback from woman who have some insight/thoughts/opinions or who have been there. My family is great, but we all know how judgemental and harsh family and close friends can be when they feel someone they love is being hurt, know what I mean? I don't want them to hate him as I have to have contact with him for the next 16 years.

;

consult a lawyer - sm - sssdt

[ In Reply To ..]
Consult a lawyer about taking your child with you back out west with your family. I don't think you have anything to worry about, but you always want to check with a professional first.

Also ask the lawyer about needing a divorce. If you're in a common law marriage state, you may need a divorce even if you weren't married in a ceremony. The lawyer is also going to be necessary to hash out the visitation details, but you probably knew that.

Good luck.

common law marraige...? - xoxo

[ In Reply To ..]
Thanks! I checked our state and it does not recognize it. I was hoping to avoid the whole lawyer thing, but you are right, I may need to do so. Ugh...I hate stress...

most states do not recognize father until DNA - proves it

[ In Reply To ..]
Marriage laws in most states in the US are still based on laws left over from England. If you are not married and paternity has not been legally proven, you can pick up and go. Even if he signed the birth certificate, that does not prove he was the father. Even if you got married after the baby was born, that does not prove he is the father.

I say all this after spending 4 years in family court and jumping through all sorts of hoops. The child I adopted has 3 half-siblings and she is the only one the father cooperated to prove paternity. The mothers of the other 3 children cannot get child support orders because they were not married to the man when the children were born and he will no longer cooperate to prove paternity of those children.

definitely speak to a family law attorney - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
do not just pick up and leave unless there is abuse. A friend of mine was recently divorced with a 3yo and lives in NV. She wanted to move back to the Midwest, but the judge told her if she did, she would be responsible for paying the way of the father to come out for visitation as well as paying for the child to fly back and forth a few times a year. This may only be true in certain states or only in NV, I am not sure. Please check before moving.

Not being married I would think would work for you - sm -

[ In Reply To ..]
in regards to custody. As for no income, etc. I don't that would be an issue either as you have a solid work history and would also have family support which is always very important. Before you up and go though go see a lawyer in family law. They can probably arrange to file for custody for you IF it is even necessary. Again as you are not married, the child I would think is yours unless he can prove you are unfit to take care of the child. (Ex of mine took former GF to court for custody --when he was 18--- and got full custody of the child). But talk to a lawyer, find out of either state would consider your relationship a common law marriage based on its longevity, and what that means for you and your son. Good luck.

Need some advice for break up & other relationship drama! - SquishyMT

[ In Reply To ..]
Always check with a lawyer first. Contact the Legal Aid Bureau if they have one in your state. Going through something similar - married the same idiot twice (what was I thinking?). What a waste of 26 years. Only good to come from it was "my" 2 kids as he now claims they are not his. One is 25 y.o. and the other is 9 y.o. They can't stand him. Not angry anymore and really glad it's almost over. Kids and I are very happy now. He was literally making me sick. I would tense up every time he said my name or walked into the room and my blood pressure would shoot up, head would hurt and would feel nauseous. My friends never liked him. Should have listened to them back in college. Had to change his name to "Dumbass" on my phone so that I would remember not to answer it. I'm glad I have my life back. Definitely married the wrong person for me. I hope he finds his happiness because I've found mine. I hope you find yours too. Get some good legal advice so that you can be the best mom possible for your kids because if you're happy, then chances are they will be too.

Don't want to rain on your parade...... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
but I'll take the other side just so you understand there are two sides. You chose to move with him, you chose to have his child, and he's supporting you and the child. He has every reason to be upset if you tell him you're taking your/his child far away. Think about it. Please, before you make any decision, do think about his side of this.

Otherwise, I totally agree with the advise already offered as to seeing an attorney. Just don't forget that the child's father has rights here, too. He may not have married you, but per your own account he has been and is supporting you and the child.

thanks SM... - xoxo

[ In Reply To ..]
You are correct, he has been very supportive, he's a hard worker and pays the bills (well, when he remembers...yesterday they came to shut the electric off because he forgot, for the 6th month in a row, to pay the electric so there goes another $40 fee). BUT, I'm really trying to look past all that and do the best thing here. It is his money he's wasting on late fees, right? LOL (and for some reason, he won't let me take care of paying the bills which is what I used to do online and ON TIME). Another issue we have is his insistent control over EVERYTHING, I can't even grocery shop without telling him and then its an argument cause he does not want me wasting the gas in the car :headscratch:

BUT ANYWAYS....

Despite the bad things going on, I am looking long-term and how any decision I make now will pan out in the long-term, thus, that is why I'm trying my hardest to keep the peace and break up in the most neutral way possible. I have to be honest with him, if its not there, I can't fake it, can I?? Or should I?

I don't want us to end up hating each other and have an unhealthy relationship because of what we do/say now. Life is way too short to spend angry/upset/bitter/resentful.

Thanks again for bringing another side to the story. :)

thanks...but couldn't help to chuckle at... - xoxo

[ In Reply To ..]
changing his name to dumbass so you remembered not to answer it!!!

In all seriousness, good for you for finding your happiness and moving on. And you're so right, when I'm happy, I see a big change in my 2 year old and how he responds...but when I've had a really bad day dealing with the former BF, my little one is miserable and a different kid. I know this will work out for everyone in the long run...its just getting over this hurdle that is the most difficult.

Thanks again for the words of encouragment!

thanks...but - SquishyMT

[ In Reply To ..]
You're very welcome. It's better for your son to have at least one happy parent than two miserable ones. It got so bad at one point that my son, who was 2 years old at the time, literally stood between us and told his father not to hurt me. My husband was yelling at the time but had started walking towards me and he was extremely angry. I realized that my son was trying to protect me and it scared me to death because a child should not be in that position or even feel the need to protect his mother at that age. I changed the locks after he went to work that day and got an ex-parte order against him. Looking back, I also realized that both of my kids had started to develop mannerisms consistent with OCD to deal with the stress. Fortunately, neither of them has these behaviors anymore. I also wanted to add that as far as picking up and leaving the state goes, when I consulted with an attorney here in Maryland, I was told that unless we had a legal separation stating who was the primary custodian for the child, either of us could take the child and there was nothing the other parent could do without a court order. Fortunately for me, dumbass is still denying these are his kids because he doesn't want to pay child support. He told me that "I" (not him but me) need to have a DNA test to find out whose kids they are because he thinks I need to know if they are my kids (again my kids, not his). I was in labor for 21 hours with my daughter and 5 days (3 failed inductions) with my son so I'm pretty sure they are my kids. (Hence the name dumbass). I told him that I don't need a DNA test because I know they are my kids and I know that unfortunately, I chose the wrong man to be their father. He hasn't mentioned DNA testing since then.

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