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I could use some opinions

Posted: Jun 25, 2010

Hey everyone, this is my first time posting on this board, but I thought I'd see if I could get some input.

My ex husband met this woman and moved her in with him after only knowing her for 1-1/2 months. I wasn't real thrilled with the idea because we have two kids and joint custody, so they spend half their time at their dad's. Honestly, I was feeling a little jealous about some other woman spending time with my kids. I met her and she seemed nice, so I got used to the idea and everything was fine. My oldest son is 12 with a very serious, rare heart defect. He has SVT almost on a daily basis now which has required multiple ER visits in the past. He has Ebstein's anomaly and needs to have his valve repaired soon.

My kds are with me this week and mentioned today that him and his gf went out to dinner Saturday night leaving my 12 year old, 10 year old, and her 4 yo with her 14 yo son. They were gone for a few hours. I naturally flipped out and called him to see what he was thinking. He informed me that it was none of my business what he does with the kids while they are at his house. Meanwhile, the gf is in the background making all kinds of snide remarks. She's lucky I couldn't go through the phone, and I'm not normally not a violent type of person, but I digress.

He's only known this woman and her kids for about 3 months now. Am I overreacting about my kids, one of which has a serious medical condition, staying with her 14 yo? The kids told me that this has happened 3 or 4 times. I just don't understand why he's putting my 12 year old's life in a 14 year old's hands. How could he trust him? Yeah, the kid's got a cell phone, but what if he's too busy to dial 911. I know how kids are at that age. Not to mention the fact that we talked about this when he moved her in. He told me that no way would he trust that kid being alone with his kids. I just don't get it.

Any input would be appreciated. TIA :)

;

You are the mother - trust your instincts

[ In Reply To ..]
But where do you go from here? Legally? Or medically? Do you have a primary care provider who you trust who would be on your side? Perhaps a family meeting to get your point across to your ex-husband? Bring his current girlfriend in? She has no legal standing and is just his roommate. Set boundardies with her regarding your son's health condition. Talk to your lawyer too, to see his or her opinion. Your ex and his girlfriend should not be making snide remarks behind your back. Were they drunk or are they just self-righteous or obnoxious? How does your son who has the heart condition feel about what happened? Is he capable of calling 911 on his own behalf if something goes wrong? Does your custody order state anything about your child's heart condition? Good luck.

Check on the laws in your state - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
to see if there are any regulations on babysitting, i.e. the age of the person sitting or how many one can sit. Three kids is a lot for a 14yo to watch. Check with children's services but be careful not to tell them this is actually going on. I wouldn't open up that can of worms unless you are forced to. If you find laws on your side, let your husband and his GF know that you will be filing a report the next time this happens.

If there are no laws on your side, I would try to talk to your ex alone about it. Does your ex have neighbors nearby? If so, ask your ex to let an adult neighbor know when he's going to leave the children home so they can have someone to call if something does happen.

Personally, I would probably take it to court to make sure it doesn't happen. Your kids are always your business no matter where they are.

Sad but true - Concerned

[ In Reply To ..]
How many times do we hear of stories where there is joint custody, and when the child/children are to be spending quality time with the parent they are shifted around, left alone, etc. so the parent can still live his or her life as a single person. I know of a case (my ex-husband's brother) where the one son had a terrible heart condition and my ex ran into his brother at a fast food restaurant, feeding the 12-year-old son who was to be on a strict heart healthy diet junk food loaded with fat. My ex was furious. This is why so many psychologists say that children are the priority, and when the child is still a minor the parents should not pursue a relationship. In the vast majority of cases there are problems; manybe not medical, but caught up in arguments, etc. I know there are exceptions, but sadly I think they are rare. Good luck. I would get on this like a tick on a Bloodhound. I wish I had an easy solution.

Your ex was telling you what you wanted to hear - sm - ECMT

[ In Reply To ..]
obviously. He wants to go out on the weekends without dragging 4 kids along too. I presume you don't have a provision for this in your divorce agreement, and I am sure it is not a normal provision but as your son has a life-threatening illness it should be amended immediately. I would have it changed to, your 2 kids come and stay with you if he is hot for a night out with his GF, or he hires a professional service to baby-sit, or a teenage of X age with a course under his/her belt watch the kids. If he is unwilling to do this then go for full custody with him having supervised visitation with the kids as he does not seem to take taking care of his own children that seriously. If anything happened while he was out having a good time with GF it will have lots of repercussions, the 14-y/o would probably suffer guilt,remorse, etc, possibly even criminal charges if he screws up somehow (and daddy too), you would want to kill ex, ex would be (I hope) consumed with guilt and possibly arrested for child endangerment, etc. You might want to lay all that out for him. Maybe talk to the local police and inquire what the legal repercussions could be if something did go wrong. In any case, contact your divorce lawyer, if you did not use one then get one and get this fixed ASAP.

Thanks for the opinions - sm

[ In Reply To ..]

I was babysitting at 13, but I wasn't taking care of kids with medical problems, and probably wouldn't have felt comfortable doing so at that age. I'm pretty sure my parents wouldn't have allowed it either.

He called this morning to say he knew he had screwed up and that it wouldn't happen again which is surprising because he never admits that he's wrong. When the kids were smaller, we wouldn't let anyone babysit except for his parents because we didn't trust anyone with my son's care. He is having SVT on almost a daily basis now and his heart condition is getting worse.

I told him that I will seek out legal counsel if this happens again and that I will take him back to court for sole custody. He's made some choices lately that wouldn't make it difficult. I understand wanting to go out, but why not do it during the weeks or the weekends that they are with me? My boyfriend's son is also 14 and I asked the ex how he would feel if he heard that I had left the kids with him. He didn't like that idea very much. I would never do that, though, because I wouldn't want to put that kind of pressure on a 14 yo. Me and bf have been together for a year, and his son is very mature and responsible, but still, if something happened he'd be traumatized for life.

I sincerely appreciate the advice and input. I'm feeling a lot better about the situation today. I have too much other stuff going on right now to be worried about my kids when they are at their dad's house. We'll see what happens.

Not sure I think that this is a big deal... - Kendra

[ In Reply To ..]
I do not know all of the details of the heart condition, but I assume that the everyone has cell phones and that both the 14-year-old and 12-year-old are perfectly capable of calling 911 in an emergency. I probably would be okay with the 12-year-old staying home alone by himself, much less with a 14-year-old. Again, however, I do not know the down and dirty on the heart problem, but I used to babysit at 12, so I think a 14-year-old is more than capable.

Responsibility - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
But isn't the point of having joint custody to do things together? I don't think the responsibility of the kids should be left to a teenager when their father has legal custody for that period of time. A family member of mine is now in the process of divorcing because of her husband's ex calling and fighting with him constantly and putting the kids in the middle. If this man mentioned in the post is telling the mother it is none of her business that spells troule to me right off the bat. If he can't discuss things calmly and maturely with his ex about their children it can only mean trouble for the kids in general. They are always in the middle of a battle, and it's one they had nothing to do with.

Thanks - a little more info

[ In Reply To ..]

I guess I could have elaborated a little bit more. My son almost died at birth. He was in the children's hospital for 18 days and on a ventilator for 12. It's a miracle that he's even alive. I was babysitting at that age myself, but I wasn't taking care of a kid who had such serious medical problems. He has SVT where his heart rate goes up to 300 bpm. Honestly, it scares the crap out of him. He needs an adult there to comfort and reassure him when this happens that he's not having a heart attack, which is what he always thinks, not a 14 year old.

My ex could have called me and I would have been there to get the kids so he could go on his "date" which is ridiculous because he has half the month to go out when the kids are with me. He was stupid and irresponsible.

why don't you arrange that when your ex and his gf - see mess

[ In Reply To ..]
want to go out, this son stays with you.

It has to be pre-arranged, no sudden impulse outings for your ex and his gf.

You are right being afraid something might happen, also to the 4-year-old.

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