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Opinions please

Posted: Apr 17, 2011

My husband and I have been married for 12 year. He has two previous children from two different relationships, so they have different mothers and then my husband and I have two kids together. The oldest of his two boys, I have always gotten along with him AND his mother, we have a great relationship. The youngest of my two step-sons has a crazy mother. I never say that to him, but seriously 12 years later, she has never remarried, she says she "will never give up my husband's last name", she is an alcoholic..........very "red neck" one of those people that will cuss you out in the middle of a store for no reason at all.

So, the mother of the youngest son of course can't stand me, even though I had nothing to do with them breaking up, you would think I had an affair with my husband when she was married or something. I'm not sure why she never moved on. So, the youngest son choose his "mom's side" against, mine, even though I don't have a side, I don't discuss what she says, I don't give an opinion on it, I just ignore it, but the son has never wanted a relationship with me. When he would come and visit, he basically would act like I was non-existant and speak to me only if necessary and once he got older, he just didn't want to come over anymore.

Well, now the boy is 16 and has his girlfriend pregnant. He is wanting more of a relationship with his father, but STILL not any kind of relationship with me or our two children. He calls my husband to meet him and his girlfriend for lunches, so that my husband can get to know his future child's mother and doesn't invite the rest of us and my husband goes regularly. I personally feel that I mean it is 12 years later and he is 16, quite old enough to understand and my husband should point out to him that WE are his family as well and at least have a specific reason why he doesn't want to be around me and our kids, not just leave us out altogether, when there is no sensible reason to do so.

My husband says he wants to work on "their" relationship and he wants to get to see his grandchild and I understand that, but is it fair that it's almost a "double life" in a sense? I'm not sure if I should be mad (because I am) or if I should just let it go.

;

I don't think you should be mad..... - empathetic

[ In Reply To ..]
Basically the same situation here, only hub and I have no children together. His youngest daughter and my youngest daughter were bosom buddies growing up, but that changed radically when he and I got married. We didn't break up each others marriage, either....basically just life circumstances. His ex-wife is convinced I broke them up (she's a redneck, too, by the way) and did her best to keep their daughter away from her dad. For several years, his daughter had nothing to do with him. Finally, she started calling and coming around a bit. When that occurred, I removed myself from the picture entirely. I know he loves me, but he also misses his little girl. He needs to spend time with her. Over the course of the past couple of years, she's become a lot more friendly toward me to the point where she will come out and ride horses with us now. She always brings a friend, but that's okay. At least it's her idea to come visit the stable and her dad. Be secure in the knowledge that your husband loves you. If his son comes around, wonderful. If not, it's his loss for not allowing himself to know the most wonderful stepmom in the world. Oh, and if you think that she comes because of the horses, that's definitely not it. We've had horses almost the entire time we've been married, and she could have come to ride anytime she wanted.

try not to be mad - EAL

[ In Reply To ..]
I agree with above poster. The more important matter at this point is that your husband's son is reaching out to his father and wanting a relationship. At 16, even with a baby of his own on the way, he is still quite young and under the influence of his mother's opinions. With any luck, the girlfriend and new baby will mellow things even more and he may become more open to accepting you. Good luck with it all.

Been there done that - Just let it go

[ In Reply To ..]
I can speak from experience. I only had to deal with one mother, but two children. She taught them at a very young age that they did not have to listen to me, do what I said, nor respect me. It will be in your best interest to let it go and focus on your children and the one stepson that wants to have a relationship. My hubby went through the same thing and the kids would just want to come, not me nor our children when they were smaller. My kids are young and they know they have another sister and brother. They often ask questions as to why they do not see them or come around, and I usually just make excuses or brush it off. I am teaching my children that regardless they have each other.

I was focused on having a relationship with my stepchildren and worked very hard at it. Lots of times I was the mediator between their mother and my husband, would even pick the kids up and take them home to keep the peace and so the kids would not see the arguing or animosity between their parents. As time went on and the kids got older, they only person who appreciated what I was doing was my husband. They kids became more distant, would question why I had to come or they did not want me to come. It was a slap in the face, but it also was an eye opener that I could not make them love me, want me to be there for them, expect them to make me part of their lives, or anything else. My hubby was disappointed that I removed myself they way I did, but I told him I have my own kids now who love me and want me to be a part of their lives, that I would not force my way into my stepchildren's lives when they did not want this. After he saw how they treated him, disrespected him, would not come to visit, and only wanted something to do with them when they wanted something, he apologized for his being upset with me and stated he understood why.

This child's mother plays a bigger role of you not being involved in his life than you realize. Just know you tried and did your part, and just let it go. You will save yourself some heartache and pain.

Sorry so long, but I hope it helps.

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