A community of 30,000 US Transcriptionist serving Medical Transcription Industry

Unbiased opinions

Posted: Feb 7, 2013

My best friend is going through a very hard time and I am so concerned for her. I try to help when I can, but I don't know the answers to give her. I was hoping, just maybe, someone has been through a situation somewhat the same and could give opinions.

She is in her early 40s, has been married for 20 years and her hubby is in his mid 40s. She says that she still very much loves her husband and feels that he is her best friend, but she said they no longer have "passion." She said she recently started having feelings for a friend of theirs and the friend has mutual feelings for her. Her husband has made the comment to her that she seems happier around the friend and he has also made the comment that he also felt like the spark was gone in HER eyes. HE says he still loves her more than life itself, still wants her, etc., but he feels she has changed.

They do not argue or anything like that, she just feels stronger feelings, passion-wise, towards this other man than towards her husband. The other man is the same age as her, but much less mature. He is NOT financially stable, lives with his mother. He is a "free spirit" and does not even work a job! Her and her husband have two children together, who are fairly young. Her husband feels that if she has feelings for someone else, then maybe she should explore that. I know that he loves her very much and he is not saying this because he wants to explore, I KNOW he wants the best for her. Her husband also though tells her that this other man is not a good person, because of his lack of stability.

I told her that I think the other man's "free spirit" just takes her out of "housewife" mode and makes her feel younger and perhaps that is more of the attraction than the man himself. I honestly have never seen her attracted to that type of person. I also have not been married for 20 years and it really scares me that one day you can decide the person you married isn't enough.

Has anyone ever gone through something like this? I think she is too young for a midlife crisis right? I just feel really bad for her family and her children.

;

Sure sounds like a midlife crisis - or boredom.

[ In Reply To ..]
My sister did the exact thing as your friend when she was about 42 years old. This other guy was a bum, and he was also married.

Needless to say, she eventually came to her senses and now sorely regrets how she treated her husband during her "episode."

I would suggest she start engaging in activities with her husband that she finds exciting, like going wine tasting or sky diving or join some sort of club that she finds interesting.

Sometimes all we need is to know that we are still exciting. Right now, this other man is fulfilling that need.

I think it is a midlife crisis too. - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
Any idea how long those things last? One other thing that I found odd was that a while back he was asking her AND THE CHILDREN to move in with him at his MOTHER'S house! She was even talking about how great of a place it was, how the kids would love it, there was a pool, etc.

She has a job, but her husband makes a majority of the income, so if she left, it would be difficult for her to make it on her own. But, to WANT to leave her life to move into a "boyfriend's" mother's house? I couldn't imagine that.

I told her that if he cared so much about her, then why didn't he go and get himself a job and get his own place and make improvements in his own life, rather than dragging her down and making HER be the one to sacrifice everything.

Advice - MT

[ In Reply To ..]
I just watched the movie "Hope Springs." Very similar as far as feelings fading, no passion, etc. Tell your friend to watch this to see that hard work and perseverance can get them through a rough patch of desire. I highly recommend this movie. It is with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones.

hmm - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
It is not odd to be attracted to other people throughout one marriage. You lose that initial passion for your partner and it's replaced with a deeper love. Usually a love so deep you would never want to hurt them. So, those little attractions seem trite and insignificant compared to the richness of a marriage (if your a healthy person)

Your friend is selfish. She is entertaining something that is on such a basic shallow level and only good for immediate self gratification and disasterous for the long run. The only option for her is to leave this man alone, he will fade from her mind. The life with her husband and kids is a journey, this guy can either be a bump in the road or a brick wall.

Lack of passion - GrateMT

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't know if your friend believes in God, but if she does, this might be worth telling her: A friend of mine told me that she prayed for God to put passion back into her marriage, and he did! She said, God can do anything. Of course there is more to it than that, but still, another way to look at it.

My Opinion - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
I think she should bring the passion back into her own marriage, even if she has to force it for now. Just redirect whatever feelings she has for this other guy onto her husband. If her husband has shut down because he's gotten the cold sholder too many times for too long, it may be too late, but it's worth a shot.

At least do this until the kids are grown. Kids know when parents have grown apart and it leaves them feeling very insecure.

feelings - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
And, also, don't forget the old addage, the grass is always greener on the other side. So true.

I think if your friend could weigh the consequences - of having an affair...

[ In Reply To ..]
it would make a huge difference in her decision. Unfortunately, she is probably not thinking of the long-term consequences and just going with her feelings and the thrill of it. This guy may be a "bad boy" image and that is exciting for her and is probably waking up a lot of feelings in her that have been dead for a long time. It is something that is fleeting, but probably "dangerous and exciting" nonetheless. She is obviously not thinking wisely and more like a "hurt" or even a "rebellious" person. Bad boys are fun but you don't ever want to marry one.

Sin is only pleasurable for a season. This will be the greatest regret she will ever have in her lifetime. I would do all I could to help her right now. She needs a woman to talk to and find out the true root feelings why she is doing this and help a hurting, maybe angry woman, who is just looking to feel important and loved again. Don't give up on her even if it looks hopeless.

She needs the love of Christ and the peace and joy that only He can give, as this world has nothing to offer that can compare.

Those are the same things I said to her. - .

[ In Reply To ..]
She constantly talks about his "free spirit" and now he is spontaneous and carefree and I tried to tell her that this is because he has no responsibilities! Right now, he has no kids, no job, no house, no car even. He can float from place to place on a whim, because nothing holds him back. He isn't living an "adult life" in the real world.

I told her that if they began a relationship, she would actually hinder his "free-spirit" ways, because she has children. She can't just roam around, sleeping wherever and things would have to be much more scheduled. She said he told her once that he wanted them to drive 400 miles to the beach to see the sunset. I just have to shake my head. They have CHILDREN and they can afford to take vacations about once a year. So, rather than spend money to go 400 miles on a whim, she would have to save that money and plan to take the kids to the beach.

I hope she comes to her senses soon and thanks all.

...and the fantasy is always better than the - real thing ;-) (NM)

[ In Reply To ..]
x

How true - anony

[ In Reply To ..]
Made that mistake and I don't get a do over. So glad that I now grew up. I have a great guy. Things are not always perfect but we talk things out and would NEVER cheat on one another.

Maybe the "free spirit" is what her family needs... - wheres_my_job

[ In Reply To ..]
Sometimes peoples' lives blow apart, huge ruptures happen...and sometimes they work out for the best, there needed to be a change, and that's the way the change happened.

Or, maybe it won't work out, it will be really painful for everyone involved, and she'll regret the decisions that she made.

Or, maybe not. I don't get the husband's attitude that maybe she should explore her feelings for someone else. Maybe he's already checked out of the marriage emotionally, but in denial about it. Who knows.

People's lives rupture. Sometimes they're absolutely suffocating in the life they've created for themselves (and their kids), and they need out. It happens. "Every end is a new beginning."

Similar Messages:

Oct 06, 2013
Good, not hysterical, information. ...

Dec 31, 2009
I have a friend I just connected with who lives across the country. She lived next door to me. We grew up together, played together, and went to school together. Went to her wedding and then she moved and I lost touch. Anyway (sorry to get side tracked, that has nothing to do with my post). Anyway…when I told her what I do (MT), she told me her daughter took 3 classes but couldn’t afford to finish the training, and asked me my opinions of the MT field a ...

Feb 15, 2010
I have had a lot of problems with my breasts over the years, have had 3 biopsies in the left and 1 in the right but thank God they have all be negative. However, over the last several weeks I have been experiencing something different, pain and burning in my right breast along with swelling (not a lot but enough for me to notice). I have performed self-examinations and other than exquisite tenderness throughout the breast I cannot find any masses (I actually do have a 6 mm nodul ...

May 17, 2010
Ok... so I met this guy about a month ago - I am the one going out with a guy almost 11 years younger. He's a very nice guy! Every time I see him he is nice and we talk literally for hours. He told me off the bat he is not much of a phone person so he doesn't call much, but he sends a few texts every day. At first he wanted to see me several days a week... one of my friends called him my "boyfriend" though and I think it freaked him out. He had told me he was definite ...

Jun 25, 2010
Hey everyone, this is my first time posting on this board, but I thought I'd see if I could get some input. My ex husband met this woman and moved her in with him after only knowing her for 1-1/2 months. I wasn't real thrilled with the idea because we have two kids and joint custody, so they spend half their time at their dad's. Honestly, I was feeling a little jealous about some other woman spending time with my kids. I met her and she seemed nice, so I got used to the idea and ...

Apr 17, 2011
My husband and I have been married for 12 year. He has two previous children from two different relationships, so they have different mothers and then my husband and I have two kids together. The oldest of his two boys, I have always gotten along with him AND his mother, we have a great relationship. The youngest of my two step-sons has a crazy mother. I never say that to him, but seriously 12 years later, she has never remarried, she says she "will never give up my husba ...

May 15, 2013
So, my daughter, who is 9, had all sorts of ear problems, stayed on antibiotics and had to get tubes, whcih stayed in for only 3 weeks and I opted not to get the procedure again. She finally grew out of it. My son, he is 13 and never had ear problems. A month ago though he got a case of Sterp and ended up with a ruptured eardrum. The doctor told me to take him to ENT to make sure the ear perforation healed after the one round of antibiotics. Took him to ENT and it h ...

May 26, 2013
Hi all, What do you think about people who pray for, what I term, silly things? Like what color drapes to buy, what shoes to wear that day, etc. I find it rather silly because people have to take controls over their own lives. I do not believe in "handing everything over" to the higher power. Our higher power (who I term God) gave us brains and will and power to make decisions. I don't call this an abuse of prayer, I just don't understand why some people can't think for themsel ...

Dec 11, 2013
To make a long story short, my hospital MT job paid by the hour was outsourced (not saying to who...and not really surprised but thought we had a bit longer before it happened). I now find myself at a crossroads. I am considering going back to school, but am conflicted. I went back to school nearly 8 years ago for MT and now find myself searching a new career. I am considering cyber security through a local university, but am hesitant. I filled out my FAFSA to see if I q ...

Mar 02, 2012
http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/OTUS/rush-limbaugh-democrats-demonizing-sex-comments/story?id=15834374#.T1GHB_UyI7U I always try to listen to sides before I make a judgment, but when there is a old man who has gotten scripts to get his pencil to go upright on top of a boatload of painkillers, etc., I find his rheortic beyond inapprorpiate. Before you flame on me, I listen to both sides, and I won't attack anything that has a bit of logic. ...

Jan 03, 2012
I need a serious opinion. We have friends who have 2 cats, full-breed, who they have had daily bonding with for a good 2 years. Said friends are going on a 3-month trip out of the country and are boarding the cats here in the states. The one cat (before owners have even left) is showing signs of something isn't right--getting out of the house and not duly returning home, peeing smack dab on top of the bed.). These cats are brother and sister, and will be somewh ...

Nov 18, 2009
We had a black lab puppy show up at our house about 12 days ago. I have drove around looking for signs for a missing dog (small community) and nothing. I have been feeding this little angel because I CANNOT starve a dog no matter who it might belong to. It had a collar on (no tags) but the collar was so tight on his neck that I waited but finally changed it out. I have come to find out that a 4th grader on my kids bus says the dog is his. I told the kiddos to tell him th ...

Jan 24, 2011
I am currently looking into returning to school like so many other MTs out there. There are programs where you can get an Associates Degree in Healthcare Management (basically medical records), which I am really not interested in because, as I see it, most hospitals are trying to cut down their medical records departments to as slim of staff as possible, plus with the integration of EMR, I just do not see this being a lucrative field. IF, big big IF here, I were to enter into this pr ...

Jul 29, 2011
I live in a semidetached neighborhood and the neighbors on one side constantly burn a fire pit with wood pallets and whatever in it all the time at least 4 to 5 times a week. Well our cars next door are covered with ashes from their fire pit and we have new cars. We have talked to them about this but it does not good. Any sugestions. It isnt even worth washing these cars anymore and also you need to keep your windows closed because all the smoke comes in the house. ...

Mar 06, 2010
Need carpet that will wear well and stand up to cats (with claws), hairballs, etc. We looked at nylon carpet, but that is too pricey. They suggested polyesther but the reviews on Google are not encouraging. Our hallway is 20 feet x 4 feet and takes a lot of traffic, and we also need to replace the carpeting in the family room and bedrooms. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks ...

Apr 12, 2010
I am glad someone finally wrote a senator about this. What do you all think? http://www.congress.org/congressorg/bio/userletter/?letter_id=5003700381&content_dir=congressorg ...

Apr 21, 2010
If you were having a Grill-Out, what would you serve? The main course will be Hamburgers, Brat's, and Mett's with all the fixins. I am drawing a blank...... Right now Ive got Potato Salad, Pasta Salad and Deviled Egg's. Dessert will be Cake and Icecream.Having a large party this weekend for son's First Communion, and we're doing a Grill out. 42 People have RSVP. ...

Mar 15, 2012
Romney plans to do away with Planned Parenthood upon his election. Sarah Palin desires to debate the president. ...

Sep 07, 2010
My husband and I don't make a fortune, we work and live check to check, like a lot of Americans. A couple of our friends have been having dramatic, horrible personal problems over the past year, (drugs, abuse, destroying each other's personal property like their cars, thier clothes, throwing each other out, getting arrested, trashing each other's cares...). They have 2 teenage children. The oldest is their 19 y/o boy, soon to be 20 moved out w ...

May 17, 2010
A friend of mine has facebook account. she's been looking up everyone she can think of, including her kids teachers. well, she's seeing another side to the teachers. Sometimes not so great but nothing criminal or anything like that, just a side of their personal life that one wouldn't usually know. Anyway, to my question. How do you feel about your child's teacher posting that she been out partying saturday night, or showing a picture of them smoking, or drinking. Does ...

May 18, 2010
I will try to make this short, sorry, just need an opinion. My mother-in-law, I do get along with her but she gossips like REALLy bad. She is always stirring up stuff in the family and extended family (She has 9 kids) and she doesn't mean harm, she is just bored. She is very healthy and has never worked or anything. I think she needs to get into some church groups or senior groups or something, but anyway.....my husband does not get along with his younger brothe ...

May 21, 2010
I am not sure what to do about my child and would like opinions on who to see or what. When my son was around 5 years old, we lived in a house and he would say he "saw people" in the house. I would see him standing there and he would jump as if something startled him, but of course nothing was there. It got to the point that I couldn't even step out on the front porch without him being right under me, afraid to be inside by himself. Well, later on, my 16-year-ol ...

Oct 04, 2012
'Obama Came Off Worse Last Night Against Mitt Romney than He Did in His Debate Against Clint Eastwood' ~ Rush Limbaugh ...

Apr 14, 2013
My child has social anxiety and has very few friends. It is difficult for her to make friends, but once she does, she loves her friends. It causes her a lot of stress and such at school, due to this, but it is getting better. She has this one friend, who is her best friend, she is 11 years old. I have known this child since she was born, because her dad, who raises her as a single father, is very close friends with my husband. There is no talking to the dad about the pro ...

Apr 30, 2013
My 13yo son is in 8th grade and has run into a few problems with bullying. My son tried out for the baseball team and during tryouts there was a kid telling him he sucks and he'll never make it, etc. Well my son made it and this kid was cut. Spring break was the next week, so I told my son just to ignore him and he'd be over it by the time school started again. Well I was wrong and the whole thing escalated into this kid punching my son in the face and my son kicking the crap out o ...

Apr 28, 2014
Hi everyone, I'm now in the process of taking the test for InScribe. It seems difficult at parts but doable. I was wondering what other people's experiences with taking this test were. Also, I'd love to hear feedback from current InScribe employees. The good, the bad. Thanks! ...

Sep 04, 2014
I've been married to B for almost 29 years, and it's been going south for about ten of them. He quit work to start his own business ten years ago and since I am one of the lucky MTs that still has a well-paying job, we agreed that I would carry the family while his business was getting off the ground, three to five years, he guessed. Well, it's been ten years now, and his yearly profit is only about $10,000, which is his contribution. Meantime, I'm typing ...

Oct 23, 2014
May I please vent and get a few opinions on this? My husband works with a lady who developed a crush on him. I would not call my husband "flirty" but he is one of those people who are extremely nice all of the time and I could see myself even getting the wrong idea and maybe thinking he was flirting with me if I didn't know him. So, the lady he works with apparently developed a crush (we have been married 18 years) and she knows a mutual friend of mine and spoke about my h ...

Jan 09, 2012
I am a single mom of 2 who has been divorced for over 5 years. I am really scared to get involved again because my 2 husbands (ugh! lol) were abusive. I recently met someone and he seems very nice. Of course we all know looks can be deceiving. He works at a convenience store. When we met, he said he was going to school, but now he says he has not gone back yet. I saw him at his store the other day and he said he would be at church the next day because his Sunday hours were 11p-7 ...

Sep 21, 2011
My DH and I have been having an ongoing argument about family obligations on the part of grown children. We are so invested in our points of view that we sometimes get almost hostile and have to stop the conversation. His stand: Parents have the right to expect their grown children to help with house maintenance, upkeep, etc and that the children are letting them down if they are not available/offering. Gets angry when we have yardwork, etc that needs to be done and nobo ...