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Need experienced opinions

Posted: Sep 7, 2010

My husband and I don't make a fortune, we work and live check to check, like a lot of Americans. A couple of our friends have been having dramatic, horrible personal problems over the past year, (drugs, abuse, destroying each other's personal property like their cars, thier clothes, throwing each other out, getting arrested, trashing each other's cares...). They have 2 teenage children. The oldest is their 19 y/o boy, soon to be 20 moved out with friends. The 14 y/o girl has been staying with us (at her own request) for about 2 months now. Father NEVER calls. The mother calls and comes by (occasionally and always around dinner time...) but doesn't seem to be in any hurry to make definite arrangements for her daughter to come home. She has never offered any financial support, helped with groceries... Doesn't even ask her daughter how she is... but when I asked if we could make a decision as to guardianship or custody, she went ballistic and says things like "that's MY KID, are you crazy..."

School recently started and my husband and I bought her everything she needed and take her back and forth. She is a good girl and gets counseling through her school free of charge and gets free meals (I got her registered and the school worked with me as they are well aware of her home situation and kind of swept the "you're not a legal family member or guardian" thing under the carpet thank goodness.

I want to know if anyone has any ideas if we can get assistance for her to get her the things she needs. She is, like I said, a teenager and seems to need a lot of things and eats like a horse! She is active in school activities and sports.

She is so sweet and her situation is so sad. She does well in school. I want to help her, but not being a parent, and not even being a legal guardian I don't know what I can do!

;

I can't offer any real suggestions... - Old part-timer

[ In Reply To ..]
I can't offer anything helpful, but I wanted to tell you how wonderful it is for that girl to have someone like you in her life. Her parents sound like a total disaster.

God bless you and I hope you can find some financial resources. What you are giving that girl is priceless. You are giving her love and support and she will remember that for the rest of her life.

Kudos to you! - Ayn

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't have any experience in this situation myself, but my suggestion would be for you to start with the school as they seem to be aware and helpful. Maybe they can point you in the right direction to help this girl apply for assistance herself and/or help you get legal guardianship. I would imagine the laws differ from state to state, but the girl may be able to have herself declared an emancipated minor (I think that's the term) or maybe you can proceed without parents' "permission" to obtain guardianship. I would start with the school counselor and a church/pastor if you have one for some direction.

Best of luck to your family and this girl!

Maybe try legal aid - Happy MT Robin

[ In Reply To ..]
I honestly don't know much about the kind of situation you're in. You're a good person for helping this child out like you are.

Legal Aid might be another option, both in terms of letting you know if her emancipation is a possibility at her age and if it is, getting the ball rolling. If that's not a possibility, they may be able to help you be assigned as a legal guardian. Hate to even suggest this, but how about CYFD? Is there a way they could get the parents declared incompetent and have you registered as a foster parent? That might be opening a bigger can of worms than you want to open, but it might be something to think about.

you could ask for power of atty - in case of medical care needed

[ In Reply To ..]
Yep, lots of parents want their supreme rights to their offspring, but not the responsibilities that go along with it.

Unless you have guardianship or custody and the child is not related to you, you are stuck in not accessing any resources to help you. A lot of people don't want to go this route, but I've said before that you can go to Family Court and ask for temporary custody. That forces a hearing on the issue. Of course, CPS gets involved and anything can happen...their goal is to support the family to reunite them...so it depends what your goal is for filing for temp custody.

It doesn't seem that is your goal. The other other choice is to get either power or atty so you can seek medical care for the child while she is with you or get medical authorization signed by one or more of the parents. You can find them online. It would need to be notarized. You still would not have access to resources to help you with this, but you would be covered in case of emergency. Remember, if something happens to the child while in your care w/o something legal, the mom can sue you. Just saying.

do a search for de facto laws in your state - relativecaregiver

[ In Reply To ..]
Five states have de facto laws...if you are acting like a parent in the absence of biological parents, after a period of time you can file for this status. You need to have cared for her at least 6 months, some states longer.

CPS is different than it used to be becaue of federal laws. They want to reunite families and do it quickly. If you are not a foster parent or within a fifth degree relative, you will not qualify for services. De facto status can change that. You could later apply for adoption and the child would qualify as a special needs adoption. There is a monthly stipend and usually paid college education. Check the laws in your state.

I was in the same situation years ago but with 5 kids - Backwards Typist

[ In Reply To ..]
Mother was schizophrenic and didn't want the kids around for a while. I took them all in, but with 2 of my own, it was tough, especially in a 2 bedroom home.

I called Welfare and they set up temporary guardianship so I could deal with any medical issues and I received a few dollars (and I mean a few) to help with food for the kids. Two were teenagers and the others were elemetary to middle school. It did work out, but then Children Services got involved probably because of mom being schizo and called the police on me stating I kidnapped the kids. CS contacted their father who lived in another state, and 'forced' him to take them to live with him. I say 'forced' because he didn't want them and they didn't want to go since they hadn't seen him in over 10 years. I fought to keep them and went to court and had character witnesses, teachers, etc., but no go.

A few years later, the eldest girl and boy ran away and came to us. Again, I took them in and by that time, they knew how to get around the 'system' thanks to their father. They called Children Services when I told them they had to go to school. The girl went back home because she didn't like the rules but the boy stayed and went to Job Corps.

The boy is now 44 yo and still calls us mom and dad and lives down the street. I haven't seen the girls for years. I don't know why.

Anyway, be careful if you don't want the girl to wind up in the system. Since the school sounds helpful, maybe they can give you suggestions.

Thank you - Kricket

[ In Reply To ..]
Thank you for the suggestions, but mostly for the uplifting support. I've got some ideas here and will move forward. I do believe there are some mental issues involved with the parents, but the drugs seem to be the biggest problem. It's been a devastating downward spiral with them.

I understand how complicated and what a fine line I am walking in attempting to get some sort of legal assistance and rights to help this girl, but I feel that if I don't, and if she goes back home, the results would be bad. (Oddly, her mom has very good full time job and he owns his own business, I honestly don't know how they function. They have (had) an nice home, so it's just my thinking that CPS won't take her out of there). I will speak to mom again first, try to catch her when she seems to have a decent attention span, then if that goes no where, I'll speak to the dad. Then the school...

Thank you all again. I feel like I'm swimming against the current here, but want to do what is right for this girl.

Agree with Old Part-Timer - Christine

[ In Reply To ..]
I just wanted to say I agree that what you are doing doesn't come with a dollar amount. You are truly giving of yourself, and you are providing love and support for this girl, which undoubtedly will greatly influence her future and self-esteem. Congrats on being a wonderful person! Good luck. I hope God guides you in a direction that will be most beneficial to this young girl.

Response - Pink Ice

[ In Reply To ..]
Call your Department of Human Services and ask for Children's Protective Services. If she is a minor and not in a home with either parent, it needs to be reported. They can help you get guardianship or possibly work up to being a foster parent. Then you could get a stipend for her and get food stamps on her behalf. Mom and Dad are considered absent parents at this point and need to be paying child support.

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