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Family drama. What would you do?

Posted: May 16, 2012

I posted last Christmas about my daughter's mother-in-law. There seems to be no end to her drama. She said, "New Rule. We only spend $50 on the grandchildren for Christmas." They are my only 2 grandchildren, and I spend much more than that on them, but I guess it makes her feel bad. She has something like 15 grandchildren. I flat out told my daughter that I would not let her dictate what I give my children. She alternates visiting my daughter's house every other year for Christmas, and then her husband's side of the family the year. Her "new rule" was that my daughter and son-in-law spend Christmas one year with JUST THEM, and the next year with us. My daughter laughed at her and said, "I don't think so." She tries to stay with them for a week, but my daughter put her foot down and said 3 days because they only live 3 hours away.

She spends the weekend with them on Mother's Day because the other kids avoid her. This year on mother's day, she said to her son, "New rule. The other side of the family comes when I leave after brunch on Mother's Day," which could be anywhere from 12:00-3:00. When he brought it up to my daughter, he said it might be best because that way there would be less drama, and she could spend time with the kids, and then I could come and spend time with them. They got into a semi-argument about it, which made me feel awful! That woman is not the only mother in the family. Why should everyone always cater to her "new rule." I do know that she dislikes me, and she is very competitive. I said I would never let her run me away from my daughter and grandchildren, but there seems to be no end to this drama she creates over everything if she is not the center of attention. Should I stay away and have time with them alone later, or should I do as I damn well please and tell her it's her problem; I will not abide by her "rules." She is on certain psych meds, and can really create a scene when she does not get her way. I want to avoid that as well as my daughter and SIL arguing about it.

What would you do? Stand your ground, or try to make it more peaceful for everyone?

;

Drama - s/m

[ In Reply To ..]
She absolutely cannot dictate how much money you spend on your grandchildren. If she wants to only spend 50 bucks, then that's her business, but it's your business as to what you care to spend. It sounds like you've already stated your case on that one though, so if it comes up again politely tell her that it's your business and yours alone what you choose to spend or maybe just lie about it and say you got it secondhand and only spent 50.

As far as her dictating the time she spends with her son, your daughter, and the grandkids, do you really want to be in the same room with this woman? She sounds nutty. But whatever, your daughter and SIL are adults and thus capable of making their own rules, having their own traditions, and choosing who they spend their time with, how, and on what days. Leave it up to them and try to stay neutral. Let them know that you're happy to spend time with them and the grandkids whenever is good for them. Sure, they'll probably argue about it because of the MIL, but it sounds like they're reasonable people and they'll find a way to make it work, but it also sounds like they probably need both sides to back away for a bit and let them figure out how.

good advice! - very reasonable

[ In Reply To ..]
Let the kids decide and if they cannot come to an agreement, pick separate days. For instance, for Mothers Day, you could have went on Saturday and MIL in Sunday, or vice versa. There is no reason to have the two of you together if there is ill will. You can be right, or you can make your grandkids miserable.

I have a horrible MIL and she makes it impossible for everyone to get together also, so we just do separate holidays!

Sorry. I think your need to step back and let - nannie

[ In Reply To ..]
you daughter and son-in-law be in charge rather than creating more drama by insisting on your way. Why are you offended by a cap on spending for grandchildren? I think that $50 per child is very reasonable. I have six grandchildren and spend less than that. It shouldn't be a competion and your can't buy you grandchildrens' love. I have personally been affected by that kind of competition. I think there is the possibility of a compromise here. Depending on everyone's finances, if you really want to be helpful, give a family vacation or a contribution toward a college fund. I hope you rethink your priorities and make every effort to keep the peace within your family.

agree with this... - kids dont need the junk anyway

[ In Reply To ..]
Spoiling the kids makes you feel good, and only them in the moment. It makes them spoiled and feel entitled.

I would agree to the cap, and put what else you would have spent on them in a bank account for when they are old enough to put it to GOOD USE!

I see both mother's are pretty intent on having their own way and feel very badly for the kids and grandkids.

or maybe... - s/m

[ In Reply To ..]
you could take the grandkids somewhere for a day or two as their gift? I usually take my nephews to an amusement park or water park for their birthday gift or even out ice skating and for some kind of special meal for the day, even if they decide they want nachos and ice cream as their meal. They'll remember the time you spend with them far longer than the material items.

Up to your SIL to set boundaries - Me

[ In Reply To ..]
I know how hard it is because my mom was the same way. She is a narcissist, needing to be the center of attention and as she gets older, it gets worse, causing friction between their marriage and impacting the grandkids. All I can suggest is doing some research on how to deal with a narcissist. It is not easy, but there are ways to keep your sanity and have much less stress in your life. Advice above is good, trying to avoid situations with her. Life is short, don't spend it with people who make you crazy. Enjoy your grandkids in peace and let them know you love them, as above poster said, spend quality time.

Can I make another suggestion? - Me again

[ In Reply To ..]
My mom passed on 3 yrs ago and I have been thinking about her today, so your post brought up a lot of memories. One thing to think about in terms of your grandkids. Narcissists will put conditions on their love, as probably your SIL knows. Let your grandkids know they are loved no matter what they do or what choices they make. That is so important. I know this kind of thing can be passed down in families. I have seen in in my aunts and uncles and their kids. Talk to your daughter and let her know how important unconditional love is.

You are not alone -- this happens in many families. - Crazy Sue

[ In Reply To ..]
Every family has somebody who drives the rest crazy. Some worse than others. I know there were many eccentric types in my family. Your Nana though sounds like she is the boss and makes all the "new rules." It is hard to deal with them and they will drive you crazy if you let them. To the other grandmother, I would just humor her and pretend like you agree. Of course you can do whatever you want -- it is your money and your time. The above posters had a lot of good ideas about what to do at X-Mas time or B-days.

You know the best advice I can offer is don't let this woman upset you. Just humor her and keep your distance. I think she may be very lonely and maybe insecure too. She may even feel inferior to you, if she does not have that much money to spend and may think that the grandkids like the grandma better who has more money to spend on them. I know my daughter's MIL is not too crazy to be around me and she likes to dominate and run the show. I can handle this cuz she lives about 800 miles away and we hardly ever see her.

Just do not let these people make you miserable and you have won the battle.

Thanks for all the opinions. Update - OP Nana

[ In Reply To ..]
For several years now, I have been very polite and courteous to this woman, even though I knew she was causing problems in my daughter's house. I did not get involved it in, and still do not want to.

Evidently, after I left on Mother's Day, there was yet another scene caused by her. This MIL found out that the children come and stay with me on the weekend about once a month. She, however, is not allowed to keep them because of her mental disabilities, the psych drugs that she takes, recovering alcoholic, locks herself in her room for days, psych hospital admissions, suicide notes, on and on. She screamed and yelled at my daughter, calling her a liar. She asked her to speak with her psychiatrist, but my daughter declined, stating that she had made her decision about her children staying with her, 3 hours away, and she was not going to change her mind until they were much older.

Next, my daughter and SIL asked her not to bring her dogs with her when she visited if other family members were there on a holiday or celebrating birthdays, etc. These dogs are not house-trained and they wear doggy diapers (YUCK), so that my daughter will not put them outside. This seemed to upset her more than the issue with the grandchildren. She claimed she simply would not be able to stay "any length of time" if she could not bring the dogs. Everyone wins there.

I asked my daughter about the money I spend on the grandchildren for birthdays and Christmas, and if it was offensive. She said this is a personal choice for me, and she would not dictate what I choose to do for gifts. Personally, I do not think anyone should; after all, it is a gift. I do try to spoil these 2 children, and love them. I am their Nana, that is my job. They also receive discipline from me when necessary, and I require good manners from them. Other than that, we have a ball. I do not have to give the gifts around the other grandmother if it makes her feel bad, but I will not let her dictate what I do as a gift. It is not a competition.

I have decided to limit my time around her as much as possible, being as kind as I can, but it seems her time will be limited in the future anyway. I am sure I will be blamed for that as well, but I will not let her keep me away from the grandchildren on holidays and birthdays. I can endure her snide remarks and silent treatment when things do not go her way. I just ignore it like it is not happening.

You know what is strange; no matter how nice I am to her or how friendly I try to be, engaging in pleasant small talk with her, it seems to make her angry. She just walks off. I firmly believe her issues are not because of me, but conflict within herself. While I can agree to visit on Mother's Day after she is gone, I will not stay away on birthdays or other holidays just because she is there. However, she is so mad at them at the moment, it may not be an issue.

I think - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
If the MIL/grandmother wants to be alone with her son, DIL, and grandchildren, she should do so at other times, rather than BDs or holidays, when other family members are certainly expected to be there. She does not have the right to monopolize that time. The problem is hers.

Good for you! - Me

[ In Reply To ..]
Great attitude, do not let her push your buttons, even though she will try with her guilt trips and silent treatment. There is nothing wrong with you or how you treat your family, she is the one with the problems.

With my MIL I think it was a competition - sm - Zorro

[ In Reply To ..]
in her mind at least between her and my mom. She was very jealous of any time we (the kids and I, well the kids) spent with my mom and would harrass me when I would go visit my parents. My mom died suddenly several years ago and now my MIL is all sweetness. I am sure she was actually happy when my mom died (we were very close). My mom was more "favored" by us (my DH really loved her a lot) so to speak as she was the sane one (not my MIL who would play mind games, put downs, etc). Now she behaves herself but is getting up in the years and really doesn't want to spend much time with the grandkids now. My FIL is heading into dementia and has progressing Parkinson's as well, so she does have her hands full there. She calls us weekly though and talks to the kids. I visit my dad twice a year, no longer get grief from her which is nice but angers me too as I wish my mom was still here. I had to tiptoe around my MIL for years, and hide things ( my DH and I) from my MIL so she would not get PO'd or give me a hard time. I wish my kids had been older before my mom died though. ---It is really sad though when one of the mom's makes trouble for their kid's family. Luckily we were united as it sounds your daughter and SIL are, that is very important to be on the same wavelength. --- Mom's need to just hold their piece, interact but not interfere. My mom was the sole of tact and knew to keep her mouth shut though I am sure many times she would have liked to say something. I hope I am as good at being quiet as she was when it is my turn to be a MIL.

Drama - Kelly

[ In Reply To ..]
I have similar problems with family members. My advice is to keep quiet, no matter what, and just do what you think is right for you without hurting anyone. If you think that you can win with this woman, I really do not think that is going to happen. It will work for one day and then back to the way it was again. It is not worth the risk of not seeing your grandchildren and daughter either though. I really would not want to upset her because she is on psych meds and obvious she has a problem already, but it is not fair for you to be a victim here either. I would buy my grandchildren anything I wanted to and not let people dictate to me, but I feel the best thing is to just do it and not say anything. You do not owe anyone an explanation. If she would ask you why you did not cooperate with her new plan, you are not obligated to give her an explanation.

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