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Opinions - Is he just not that into me - or something else? sm

Posted: May 17, 2010

Ok... so I met this guy about a month ago - I am the one going out with a guy almost 11 years younger. He's a very nice guy! Every time I see him he is nice and we talk literally for hours. He told me off the bat he is not much of a phone person so he doesn't call much, but he sends a few texts every day. At first he wanted to see me several days a week... one of my friends called him my "boyfriend" though and I think it freaked him out. He had told me he was definitely not going to go out with anyone else, and does not want me to go out with anyone else. But after the "boyfriend" word, he sent me a text saying he wanted to "date" and that if I couldn't handle it I should let him know. So, now that I'm all grown up ;) I said, "fine, I can't handle it. You said you were not going to date other people and if you are, then I will respect myself and tell you to move on and take care." He said he was sorry. I did not contact him again for two days. Then he called and said he was sorry, wanted to work things out and that we should talk. So I went and talked with him for a couple of hours. He said he was not ready to be called "boyfriend/girlfriend" yet because that is a huge step to him that involves meeting each others' families, etc. I said that to me it just means seeing each other exclusively but that it is not a huge milestone where you have to meet family, etc. He asked my definition of dating - I said my definition of dating is when you are casually seeing different people, not sexually, just going out to coffee, dinner, etc., before you commit to one person. He said he calls that being single, and committing to one person "dating." ok. Fine - we have different definitions.

I saw him last Wednesday. He asked me about going out Fri or Sat night but then said he was busy both of those nights. In his defense he has a friend in the hospital who is dying and he says he is spending time with friends and relatives of his dying friend, and doing things for the family. Which is very honorable and nice if it is true. Then he asked me about seeing him Monday or Tuesday. It has seemed that every weekend he has something to do, and then he wants to see me on the week nights. Maybe I am just being paranoid because of my age, thinking he wants to save his weekends for better things to do.

My friend said maybe he is "just not that into" me. And that is possible, but i can't tell for sure. I am thinking of waiting until next month - by then his friend will have unfortunately passed away and I can see how his schedule is under normal circumstances. I am not going to contact him first or invite him to do anything and just wait and see what he doe on his own. Does this sound like a good idea to you guys or do you think he is really not into me?

;

just not that into you - Linda

[ In Reply To ..]
Read the book - "Just Not That Into You." 11 years makes a lot of difference. If he gives you any kind of run around, your friend is probably right. Especially if you want it to be a serious relationship. Don't waste your time.

Yeah, I'd say just not that into you - Truthfully

[ In Reply To ..]
Sounds like he's trying to keep his weekends clear for something "better" to come along.

You deserve better. Cut him loose and keep fishing :-)

My opinion - Been There

[ In Reply To ..]
This sounds a lot like a relationship I had several years ago. The guy just couldn't see enough of me until he sensed I was very involved with him. Then I got the "I have been so busy" speech when the phone calls and dates became less and less. Finally I got a phone call from him saying he was just not ready to be "dragged down the aisle." This came after being with him almost every evening for many hours each time, and unfortunately after intimacy. I regret going that far because it was evident that this is what he was looking for and apparently missing. He wanted the advantages of a permanent relationship without the financial/legal part of it. He was married before and wealthy. He was angry at his ex-wife and said when he broke it off with me that he would never, ever marry again and lose so much of what he worked for. What a shame he didn't share this with me in the beginning when he made comments like "It's such a wonderful time of year (close to the holidays) to meet someone and he was so "glad we found each other." When he sensed I was in love with him (never verbalized) things cooled off in a hurry. This is just my opinion, but having read the statement about not wanting to be referred to as a boyfriend it brings back memories. I told my ex that if he wanted a casual relationship he should have conducted himself that way. He agreed and said he was sorry. I told him next time you see a woman be up front, take her to a movie and out for coffe and say goodnight. Funny how when he told me he just couldn't say goodnight and kept holding me I "got the wrong idea." Good luck. Didn't mean to lecture . . just sharing. I wish you the outcome you want most.

Yes, very similar & thanks for all replies - ok either way

[ In Reply To ..]
Thanks- yes very much like that! He kept telling me he had never met anyone like me - had been looking for someone like me all of his life - was feeling addicted to being with me, felt like he was dreaming, etc. But as soon as I acted like I missed him or wanted to see him...he started being busy. I think the best idea right now is for me to back off and if he pursues me then good, if not, c'est la vie. I will know better next time to keep my feelings to myself no matter what a guy says to me.

many men are hunters, if there is nothing to hunt anymore - see inside

[ In Reply To ..]
they lose interest.
Your "boyfriend" is 1 of those. Weren't his compliments rather suspicious?

He seems to even have a sadistic streak, every action and reaction preplanned and premeditated.

Seems to have a lot of experience how to hurt a woman.

Now you're talkin' - Been There

[ In Reply To ..]
I know it hurts,believe me. It took many months to get over him, but more to the point to admit to myself that he just didn't love me. That's a painful thing to admit. I learned a very difficult lesson; one I'll never forget. Good luck to you!

It would be much easier and less painful - JMHO

[ In Reply To ..]
for women to hold back with getting intimate with men.
There are women who get intimate much, much too fast, BEFORE men fall in love with them.

Well, this woman has learned a lesson :) nm - Ok either way

[ In Reply To ..]
x

I agree. He's just not that into you. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
If a man really wants to see a woman, he'll work hard at making that happen, even to the point of being a pest. If he's not pestering you, he's just not that into you.

If you have to ask yourself that question, he's not into you. - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

Why do they do that though? (sm) - ok either way

[ In Reply To ..]
Why spend 3 or 4 hours sitting and talking and laughing, saying things like "I've been looking for someone like you all of my life" if they are not into you? Why bother? If I am not into a guy, I just tell him that I don't think we are a good match, wish him the best and move on. I wouldn't spend hours on end talking to him and tell him all sorts of great things about himself.

Because our goals are different. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
We are usually looking for a relationship. Doesn't matter whether we want a permanent relationship like a marriage, or whether we want a friendship. We women want our relationships to have some substance to them. Men... not so much. They want to have fun, and I don't just mean sex, though there are definitely a fair number who would put that at the top of their list. They may simply just be enjoying themselves at the moment when they have those long conversations and are simply hanging out. They are happy to hang out. We want more substance. Men may not be able to name it that way, but they know we want more substantial relationships. They sort of play into it, but when it gets too binding, they'll back off faster than you can say hey.

Of course, I'm painting with a very broad brush.

Different goals - Been There

[ In Reply To ..]
I agree totally with your post. However, for me it comes down to an issue of integrity. Everyone wants something. I would like financial freedom, but I'm not going to steal or cheat to get it. In my case I had a several-hour long discussion with the man I met about what I was looking for. I even told him I had been hurt badly before. He said he was thrilled to meet a nice woman who felt exactly as he felt. It was five weeks of seeing him literally every day(missed one night because I was so tired) and talking on the phone each night when he called to say goodnight before our relationship became intimate. I had never, ever done that so early in a relationship before. He was from a very good, well known family in my town. He did all the right things; holding the doors for me, speaking politely, caring, and even leaving blueberry muffins on my doorknob one day, as he knew they were my favorite. I painstakingly looked for signs, evaluated everything he said, all to no avail. There is something wrong with a man who has no more integrity than that. I am proud to say that each and every man in my family and extended family is a true example of a good man. My niece actually sits her teenage son down and has talks with him about the proper way to treat women.

he doesn't seem to know himself very well - sssdt

[ In Reply To ..]
I think your guy said one thing and then when the reality of what being a boyfriend meant hit him, he realized he didn't mean what he had said to you before. He sounds kind of immature, honestly, especially since he pushed you away and then almost immediately wanted you back again. Do you want to spend that much time with someone who doesn't even know what he wants? I think that's a good question to ask yourself.

Well, don't be too hasty with your decision... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
My husband (of 20 years) and I started out that way. Granted, we were only 21 at the time, but he didn't want a serious girlfriend, just wanted to date, and said he wouldn't sleep with anyone else. When I started to fall for him, he pulled back. I thought it was over. Until I pulled back even more than he had, and then he came back with a vengeance! It helped that I went out with someone else during that time, and he happened to see me; totally unplanned. I had gone someplace off the beaten path and never expected to see him there. The key though, is that when I pulled back I meant it. I was willing to walk away, not just playing a game. Of course I hoped he would turn towards me, but had no way of knowing. The dynamic of our relationship has totally changed over the years, and now HE is usually the one who may tend to get insecure or needy.

The whole point is, some men truthfully do get scared of the intensity early on, but that doesn't mean that is who they'll always be. Sometimes they just have to get past a certain point, and your backing off can definitely help that, until they can feel safe enough to allow themselves to feel (or admit that they feel) what is really in their heart. That being said, some men are just dogs who say what you want to hear to get you into bed. As long as you're not giving up anything or hurting yourself in all of this, I don't see the harm in pulling back and riding it out. But you have to TRULY pull back, and mean it. If he senses that you're just putting on an act, but pining away underneath, it'll probably send him running.

With my husband, I gave him the total freedom to go as far as he wanted and do what he wanted, and just by my giving that to him he didn't want it. He just needed to know he could have it if he wanted it, if that makes any sense at all. The more free rein I gave him, the closer it brought him to me.

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