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Depressed husband

Posted: Apr 17, 2012

I have been married for 25 years and together we have two wonderful, grown kids, 20 and 22 who are still living at home. No problem with that.

My husband has major depression which is usually (okay, about 50%) under fairly good control. He's on a couple of meds, which I'm not sure are still working right, but what little health insurance we have doesn't cover either mental health services or medications, so he's very resistant to going to a psychiatrist to get them changed, and not sure how much good a family doctor would be at prescribing something different. Right now we're paying so much in health insurance premiums we literally dont' have enough left over even to pay copays, much less $150 out of pocket to see a psychiatrist.

When he's well, he still resembles the man I married - intelligent, caring, witty, conversational, and that's what keeps me going on. I keep waiting for the time to come when we can get this sorted out. It doesn't help that he has always been in charge of the money and with the added expense of the premiums (we've only had our health insurance for a year) it's fueled his depression. When he's depressed, he's curt, sullen, given to teasing relentlessly, and so cynical that even a simple question like "what do you want for supper" gets what he thinks is a funny but is really dark and rejecting response.

I get so tired. I'm not willing to throw out the baby with the bathwater. The man I love, the man I married is still in there. But looking for help would be expensive, which would just exacerbate the depression. And frankly we're both terrified of what might happen if he tries a different medication and has to wean off what he's on.

There are times I fantasize living alone or with my daughter, but it's just a fantasy. It would be nice not to have to deal with this on a daily basis. Then I think of my sister, who is taking care of our mother who has end-stage Alzheimer's and think, If she can do that, I certainly can do this! but I'm so tired!!

I guess I'm just looking for sympathy. I'm not going anywhere, really, but every time he "troughs" these escape fantasies rise up again. I need to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel!

;

I'm sorry for your situation.. sm - MM

[ In Reply To ..]
but I think the first place I would start is a family physician. At least you can go to them and say the meds aren't working and can we try something else if that's what you think needs done. I understand not wanting to pay the $$ for the psychiatrist, but I do think a family doc could be helpful here, if nothing else to just talk to. Good luck to your family, I'm sure it's not easy and I give you lots of credit for hanging in there. Tomorrow will be a better day.. :)

I'm sorry also. My husband is not quite that bad......yet. - me

[ In Reply To ..]
He had to retired from a state job in 2006 due to peripheral neuropathy. It took us close to 4 years to get his SS Disability. During that time, I worked as much as I possibly could to keep us afloat. He finally got his money. He has had these weird moods for a couple of years. Gets snarly, downright rude, yells - I, too, have had fantasies of leaving, but like you said, the other times, he is the guy I married. And what if the shoe was on the other foot? Would he leave me because now the going got rough? I'd like to think not. I think it's depression, but he'll never talk to his doctor. I would said 80% of the time, he's okay. I have depression/anxiety, have been diagnosed, and my stress level is up there. I'm on a new job for the past 4 months and learning VR. What has taken a lot of stress of my shoulders is the fact we had to file bankruptcy last year when I lost my other job, our house is upside down over 100,000 (yes, we refinanced in 2007, big mistake) and we had a lot of credit card debt from living off my salary.

I am making 1/2 the money I made with my other company so we would have had to do this now anyway. We are still in our house, haven't been served yet. Mortgage company still has to foreclose on us (we're in FL, judicial state, takes a looooong time). We'll be moving and renting for now. Once we are settled, I am definitely looking for a job - something that pays better and is less stressful than being a MT.

Sorry I vented so much - keep your chin up. Do you have a health clinc that you can pay on scale? How about seeing a therapist, not necessarily a psychiatrist? You also should see someone. You are under a lot of stress, not good for you.

I hope you can find some help. Isn't it wonderful to live in a country where if you don't have the resources to pay for decent medical care, you're out of luck?

Well, it's better than living in Canada where (sm) - Lola

[ In Reply To ..]
a person I know has been on the list for years and years for a knee replacement...finally nearly to the top of the list and found out she has cancer. So their wonderful government health plan TOOK HER OFF the knee replacement list in order to cure her cancer and she will not be able to have a knee replacement until cancer issue is resolved. As rotten as it is - I still prefer our healthcare plan.

Just when I thing I've got it bad - - Getting tired

[ In Reply To ..]
It sounds like you're way deeper than I am. I'm sorry for your plight. I don't know if I'd recover if we had to lose our house.

Our illustrious County Mental Health Clinic used to take people on a sliding scale. Now they take only the "Chronically mentally ill," meaning schizophrenics and bipolars, I guess. The wouldn't even evaluate my husband. Thanks a lot, folks.

I was seeing a therapist, who was seeing me pro bono up to a year ago, but things got better and I stopped seeing her. I'd hate to have to ask her to see me again, although it might be an option. She might be willing to give us a break on the cost, but I'd hate to ask her to take us for free again.

Good luck to you. I hope things work out and you're able to find a job you like that will pay the bills.

Sorry....I didn't mean to have myself a pity party. - me

[ In Reply To ..]
Felt good to vent though. :) Yes, we are losing our home, but it could be worse. On the plus side, we'll be moving closer to 2 daughters. I look at it as a fresh start.

I did forget to mention my fantasy. I'm 40 lbs lighter, lightened my grays, living on the beach drinking Miami Vices and I meet someone who truly respects and appreciates me. Or, maybe even better, I'm living alone for once. Peace and quiet. Doing my own thing. A girl can dream can't she? :)

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