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Husband dilemma

Posted: Apr 8, 2015

On Friday, my husband I got our tax returns back. When he saw how little money I'd made thanks to Nuance, he hit the ceiling. Said we'd never be able to get another loan with that low an income. All night he was snotty and short with me. Even said in a nasty way, "You've got a problem" referring to my craving for junk food that we didn't have. (I never was like that before. This is due to his influence which I let him know.) So Friday night he goes to bed without so much as a goodnight or anything. I usually get a kiss goodnight. Nothing. So I start feeling like a piece of crap because he pretty much showed me how disgusted he was with me because he knew I worked hard for that pittance. It wasn't like, oh, you worked so hard and he felt bad for me. It was like, if that's all you made for working that hard, you need to do something else. Well, that's another story. I'm in my 50s and I don't know HOW to do anything else. Anyway, Sunday it hits the fan. I don't want to go to Easter dinner with somebody I haven't spoken to since Friday. He says really nasty, "Are you coming? Dinner's at 1:30." (It's usually at 2:00 which is what I was expecting.) Since it was after 1 and I wasn't dressed yet, I said I guess I can't be ready on time. Well, then he said none of us are going. I was hoping and expecting him to take my daughter and go without me. It's what happens next, that is really important. He then says in no uncertain terms, "I want a divorce. I'm done. I want half of everything." Wow I said to myself, where did that come from? By the way he's acting, I think he expects this is not the end of our marriage. I have to ask, is it possible to just ignore that? I don't think it is. I think he crossed a line, a point of no return if you will. Neither one of us has ever said anything like that before and if he said it, I think he's been thinking it for a long time. It's like one of the worst times for me to bring this much stress. I just started a new job and am still in the early phase and have to show them I can do the work and qualify for insurance. I'm depending on the insurance. I have some major health issues and right now have NO insurance at all. He knew I was just trying to keep calm and ride out this time until I have insurance again. I'm afraid to drive the way it is and he's forcing me to do it at a time like this. I think he really hates me. What do you think?;

The communication in your marriage has broken down to sm - acuteMLS

[ In Reply To ..]
nothing if you are asking strangers what he means or what he's going to do.

Personally, I think he's either thinking about or having an affair.

Much of the time, we don't get to choose how things line up for us. If you need the insurance, then you're going to have to block his "stuff" out and just do your job the best you can.

As for him, you need to have an honest discussion about the state of your marriage. You seem to be flailing around trying to please him without knowing what his issue is. Find out what it is, if it's reasonable, decide what to do about it or decide to part ways.

I don't think of my coworkers as strangers - the OP

[ In Reply To ..]
Thank you for your input. I appreciate it.

I think you need to be smart and careful--sm - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
First of all, anything I say is assuming there is no physical/other abuse. If there is physical abuse, first priority is to get to a safe place.

With that out of the way, I do think you need to start making some calculating decisions. I would not rock the boat in any way until the job situation is settled and you have insurance. During that time, I would do a lot of soul searching to determine what it is you want. What do you want/need out of the relationship. Everybody has different expectations for their relationships, some really need stability, some need a partner that will elevate their soul, some need companionship. What do you need and do you think you can get it in this relationship?

Now, your husband has shown his hand. Even if he had not been contemplating it before, it is out there now and is a possibility. Counselling would likely be helpful. It may not save the relationship but can at least let you know if it ends, you tried.

Just in case, I would make copies of everything you need to before things escalate, just in case, bank statements, taxes, credit card bills, etc. Hopefully you will not need the information but it is better to have it. If things look like they will be getting worse, it may also be a good idea to apply for a credit card in just your name. After a divorce when the household income is less, it may be harder to qualify for one. Of course, this depends on your own money personality. If the credit card is just likely to get you in more trouble, don't do it.

Hopefully, this was just a difficult episode and your relationship can grow and you can get your health into a better place, but if it is not, I hope that you are prepared for the battles ahead. I wish you luck.

Thanks - the OP

[ In Reply To ..]
Thanks. I probably have better credit than him even with my pay cut. I've been trying to decide how to proceed. Thank you for giving me a little guide.

I think the poster below has it right though. I think he is really mad about something else and taking it out on me. Well, he's mad at me too, but there's more to it I think and probably will never know.

dumb men - universe

[ In Reply To ..]
wow, he's pissed off at something other than you. Typically when a person spouts off at the mouth, it's "their story". Stay focused on YOU. Keep up the initiative and get that insurance. We all have taken huge paycuts and work longer hours - Not much to say about that aspect. He's a big jerk, no empathy. Don't take his antics personally. And if he brings up the divorce crap again, give him what he wants. You're a spring chicken, life might be better without him.

Thank you - the OP

[ In Reply To ..]
That's exactly what I've been doing. I can't stop crying and today I'm having the hardest time concentrating on my job. I'm afraid I'm going to blow it. I will keep repeating what you said.

Married my get this, last husband at age - 59, him 49 and life is

[ In Reply To ..]
sweet and couldn't be better. Don't think a divorce or death of a spouse is the end of the road at your age.

Thanks. Will keep that in mind. So glad I posted. - You are all wonderful nm

[ In Reply To ..]
x

I should add - the OP

[ In Reply To ..]
Holidays have always been important to us. We usually alternated having the holiday dinners at our house and my sister-in-law's. In the past 5 years I've only been able to have 1 holiday dinner here. At first it was because of my health but later it was on account of Nuance and not getting any of them off. But again, not my fault.

Marriage - Dotts

[ In Reply To ..]
Instead of ranting at you about everything, sounds like your income is just the "tip of the iceberg" in your marriage. He should not treat you like that anyway. Sounds like he is someone who "reacts" instead of taking "proper action." Would he be open to marriage counseling? There should be free help available in this regard where you live. In the meantime, hold your head up; I will say a prayer for you and hang in there.

Sending you a hug - Mary

[ In Reply To ..]
(Sorry this is so long)

First of all, I want to send you a big hug. We MTs live such isolated lives, and we depend on our families to be kind to us. Apparently, our husbands forget that sometimes.

It seems your husband threw the equivalent of a toddler tantrum while in an adult's body. The silent treatment is cruel and is a form of emotional abuse as is the verbal abuse.
Look at the history of your marriage and objectively determine if there have been other forms of abuse.

I am wondering what kind of loan he might be wanting to get. If finances are not ideal for the household, borrowing money might not be wise. He should know that if he has good common financial sense. Besides, having a temporarily "low" income does not determine your creditworthiness in the future. On the other hand, his being a divorced male with credit not as good as yours (as you mentioned in another response) certainly damages his credit, so he should tread carefully (to quote Walter White.

Another point is this: I don't know which state you live in, but not all states split things 50/50. If you are in any fear at all of your husband actually taking action on a legal separation, get yourself to see a divorce attorney now, right now. This is especially important if you have a minor child in the household whose financial well-being you need to consider. Your husband could already be moving funds out of household accounts into accounts in his name only as well as taking out credit cards in both your names (or even just in yours illegally) and running up the balance. Unless you were to go bankrupt in the future, you would be held legally responsible for any debt he incurs while you are legally married. With an attorney's assistance and advice, you could prevent your husband from getting the upper hand on you, should the marriage indeed end. If it does, he may very well find that his economic condition has deteriorated, and he would have been better off doing his best to treat you well and keep his marriage intact. After all, his child support payments would not be cheap.

Grab a ringbound notebook RIGHT NOW and start taking notes. We MTs are excellent at documentation, and while events are fresh, you need to document them. Keep this baby hidden. If you need to, start acquiring and squirreling away cash, all your legal documents (birth certificate for you and your daughter, social security card, any life insurance policies, deeds, car titles, etc.) and keep them in a place where you can grab them. Include an extra set of keys to the house, to your car, and perhaps a "burn phone," a phone that can be used and then thrown away. If you need to, pack a small bag with toiletries and a couple days' outfits for you and your daughter, and keep the above documents in that. If you need to even further, have someone you trust outside the home hang onto that bag for you.

Hang in there with your new job as best you can, as you need health insurance, but more than anything, you need your emotional well-being long term (as does your daughter).

Please keep us updated. Don't let him step all over you. I know where I'm coming from. I've lived that life for 35 years, but just this year, I've started sticking up for myself, and I'm not backing down. I love myself and respect myself too much for that.

We'll be thinking of and praying for you.

Update. Thanks everybody for the support. - the OP

[ In Reply To ..]
He finally came and apologized to me. We talked about it and I was mistaken. He was indeed mad at me but it was about something else entirely.

I'm just so sensitive about how low my income has gotten that I was certain that's what it was about.

I told him that he went too far. He said that he just said it without thinking at all and regretted it.

I know abuse. My first husband was abusive. He knows I can't live with that. We've had a few problems but I was confused because a while back we were talking and said we'd both be surprised if we ever split up.

The loan he was referring to was to refinance an interest only loan I had taken. It's important because we've hardly paid anything on it and when it comes due, it'll be the whole thing. I sure hope it isn't more than that. We've been nervous about that loan for a while because we would lose our house. When we took it, I was making a lot more money.

What a relief - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Was praying for your marriage, and now I'll pray for your financial situation, too. God can do anything.

Thank you so much - the OP

[ In Reply To ..]
I really believe it will be better. I have a new job now that I think is way better. I hope more people can get away from Nuance and MModal because they are so intrusive and destructive to a person's well-being.

We Only Know Your Side - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
We only know your side of the story, but rarely are these things "out of the blue." So, he's never shown so much as a hint that he wasn't happy with his home life? That sounds very odd to me. Unless he's mentally unstable or you picked a real jerk.

Don't know what to tell you, you need to - sm - Anon123

[ In Reply To ..]
talk to him and find out if he is serious. If he is, then get thee to a lawyer pronto, find out your rights, etc. Do not wait for him to file for divorce. Get all the info on your assets, debt, etc.
.
If he is willing go to a marriage counselor, air out the issues. It cannot hurt.

If you do get divorced you can always try have it written in that he pays for your health insurance and any children you have, especially since he make more money than you, and get alimony if your state allows it too. Hope it all works out for you.

Guess what? Your lack of income - Sk

[ In Reply To ..]
From the previous year had nothing to do with it. My guess is he took that as an opportunity to find fault where YOU are concerned to start a standoff and then say he wants a divorce. You could have made a lot of money the year before and he eventually would have found some other reason to be angry with you... My guess he's been doing you wrong for a while and had to find what he thought was a legitimate reason to now bring it to a head. Been through this myself in the past.. Don't let him get away with it....you need to talk to an attorney ...KNOW YOUR RIGHTS!

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