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Husband problems

Posted: Aug 11, 2012

I need some opinions about some of the things my husband does.

Basically, I feel that he is very controlling. He is always making remarks when he can't get me on the phone that I must be with my "boyfriend". If my phone goes off, he'll say ask if it's my boyfriend, and it is usually just an email from work or some type of business that I have an account with. We have been married for 16 years, and I have never cheated on him. My best friend since high school who lives in a different state wanted me to come see her in a couple years when we both turn 40 within a couple weeks of each other, and he said that I'm not allowed to go by myself and run amok with my friend because neither one of us have enough sense to take care of ourselves. I have no friends locally because every time they asked me to do something, I made up some excuse why I couldn't go because he didn't think I should be out "running around" with my friends, so they have just stopped asking.

He has no respect for anything I need to do. I work two jobs, one in an office and one at home, and when I get home late from the office job, sometimes there isn't a lot of time until I need to start the at-home job, but if there is something he wants me to do, he'll just make me late for work. If I get upset and fight with him about it, he just disables the internet connection so I can't work at all.

I have told him several times that I can't take it anymore, and I will leave if it doesn't stop. He just says that I will end up homeless and having to depend on someone else and that I'll never get the money to get another house again which may be true but I'm getting to the point that I don't care about losing all my things. I'm just so sick of dealing with him and pretty much any love I ever had for him is basically gone. We have been together since I was a teenager, so I don't have any real comparisons, but normal relationships aren't like this, are they?

;

No, they are not - These are classic abuse behaviors

[ In Reply To ..]
Maybe he hasn't hit you (yet) but his behavior towards you is classic emotional abuse. Abusers isolate their victims so that they have no friends and feel that they have no one they can turn to. They demean them verbally at every opportunity. If he can make you lose your job, he will (such as disabling the internet connection). That way you will be completely dependent on him.

Do you have pets? The rest of the stuff in your house is just that - stuff.

Quite frankly, I'd pack up any pets or kids and see if your best friend in another state can put you up for a while until you find an apartment with an internet connection. You may even find yourself better off financially if you're not having to support him, although you didn't say if you were or not. I'm just assuming that since abusers such as him also tend to be lazy a$$es and make you do all the work.

Walk away now and NEVER let him know where you are. People like him can turn violent very, very fast.

Good luck to you.

mental abuse - Gerri

[ In Reply To ..]
This has been in my "favorites" a long time. But I had an abusive husband (both mentally and physically). I stayed with him for 24 years because I was afraid of him. Twenty-four years and five kids. He finally left me for another woman, and I was very glad to get rid of him. So glad, as a matter of fact, that I now get none of his pension even though some of the time I could not work due to kids.

Just be careful, and take care of No. 1 (you). No, all marriages are not like this. I re-married several years later and my husband passed away last year. He was a very kind, generous and thoughtful man. We were together 16 years, the most wonderful years of my life. So, I hope you find someone like my last husband who will respect and love you.

Agree - No, they are not - MT

[ In Reply To ..]
I think you already know this, because what you wrote was so well-written. Go with your gut. It's evident you are very intelligent and you know you're at a crossroads. I'm sure that there are friends you haven't spoken to because he "convinced" you to cut them out of your life (so they wouldn't be able to tell you years ago this was not a normal relationship and break up with him) who miss you, would be so happy to have you "back", and would support you.

Think about this - if you had a friend, daughter, sister, anyone you cared about and they told you that even after 16 years of marriage, their husband "is always making remarks when he can't get me on the phone that I must be with my boyfriend" or "that I'm not allowed to go by myself and run amok with my friend because neither one of us have enough sense to take care of ourselves" or "has no respect for anything I need to do" or "if there is something he wants me to do, he'll just make me late for work...or just disables the internet connection so I can't work at all". Well you would be HORRIFIED that someone treats their wife like that. Because I guarantee that every single of us reading this who is in a normal, happy relationship, IS.

Stop trying to make him happy (it's evident that's impossible), and after 16 years, no one would say you haven't tried. Get away, be happy again :), and good luck!

There is help out there to get out...SM - Old Anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't know where you live, but most communities have women's shelters that you can get in touch with. Most have counselors who can advise you on how to plan a stealthy get-away, like getting all your legal documents like birth certificate, etc. together, making copies of anything you will need to take, etc. and stashing them in a safe place that you alone can access. They'll help you make preparations for a place to live and/or stay with them while you're doing this preparation. They may be able to help you plan to have personal possessions removed from your house in secret and placed in a storage unit, etc. If you need a restraining order down the road, they probaby have experience with that too. Just call them, to see what they can offer. Look their number up in a phonebook and try to call on a secure phone outside the house. I'm hoping you have the ability to leave the house to do this. Also, clear your computer browser history so he doesn't even know you've been to this website as he may read it and know what you're up to. Keep acting the way you usually do with him, so he won't have an inkling that something is up. Please do this now. You won't regret it. Be very careful and good luck and blessings to you.

I feel for you. - Anon

[ In Reply To ..]
This is not a normal relationship and no all marriages are definitely not like this. Your husband has some mental issues which make him act this way. He must be very insecure and paranoid. But you do not have to live this way anymore. Just be glad he is not physically abusive -- that would be really hard to deal with. I lived with a physically and mentally abusive man for about 5 years. I know exactly how you feel as this was like being in a nightmare. Just be glad at least that he does not hit you or break things in your home. But who knows -- it may come to that too. So you need to make arrangements as the above poster recommended. There are shelters and services provided for women in domestic abuse situations. You need to get started now. You will be so much happier, like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders and you will have freedom to make friends and go places without having to answer to anyone.

Good Luck. Hope to hear from you soon.

That is not normal; however, there are men who act - like this. See msg.

[ In Reply To ..]
Is he the one making the bulk of the money? I ask this because you said you are working two jobs and he threatens that you will be homeless if you leave him and also, why is he disconnecting the internet? does he feel like you two dont need the money from your second job?

About his behavior..he obviously does not want you to have a life outside of him. He does not want you to know or be close to anyone but him. Not all relationsips work like this, but I am all too familiar with this type because I have been there with my girls dad and he was my high school sweetheart. He acted the same way except he was violent and abusive. I eventually got away from him.

I had a couple 2-3 year relationships that weren't like that afterwards. Now I have been in an 8yr relationship with a guy who I sometimes feel has similar tendencies only he is not violent.

I was going to visit a friend of mine a couple of years ago who only lives 45 minutes away and when the time came he started packing his things too. I asked him where he was going and he said "with you." He didn't like it, but I told him no, your not. This is my get away and I would like a couple days to myself to do girl stuff, with my girl friend. And I went and did just that.

Not sure what to tell you to do. But I know your situation all too well because I have been there. Maybe when you are tired and fed up enough you will leave.

Thank you - fedup

[ In Reply To ..]
Thank you for your replies. I know I do need to get out of this somehow; it's just a matter of getting up enough courage to actually go through with it. To answer some of your questions, he makes no money. I have supported him for pretty much our entire marriage, which is why he says he will get the house and I will have to pay for it in a divorce. I never really believed that until I read about a woman whose husband beat her to the point that he actually went to jail for like two years for it, and the judge still ordered her to pay him alimony because she had been supporting him. The mortgage is in my name only, so if I walk away and let it go to foreclosure, it's going to go on my credit, and there is no way he is going to willingly leave this house. I appreciate your responses. I guess I have a lot to think about and a big decision to make.

Legal Services...SM - Old Anon

[ In Reply To ..]
Please, please at least call the women's shelter. They can provide emotional support, practical advice, and probably even can set you up with legal aide for a separation and/or divorce, and like I said before, maybe a restraining order if need be. You may be able to get him out of the house at least temporarily. A lawyer can also advise you about splitting up assests and who gets what. If it's a community property state, you might be able to sell the house, pay off the mortgage and split what's left with him. Then at least you'd have a small nestegg to get into an apartment. Walking away and going into foreclosure would be the last thing you'd want to do. Just talk to the women's shelter people. There are also a lot of resources on the internet. Do some research. Getting the facts may help you decide your action plan.

Stand up for yourself - wrkn4pnuts

[ In Reply To ..]
I went through a similar situation a long time ago, and understand what you're going through. You know it's wrong for him to treat you like this. Stop allowing him to control you. You seem like a woman who has a lot of patience and whose tolerance level is high. But at some point your patience will leave you (if it hasn't already) and you will do what you have to do. Make a plan, and don't wait - do it as soon as possible. I am praying for you.

The next time he goes to the bar call a locksmith - and change the locks

[ In Reply To ..]
And then put his stuff out on the front lawn. And THEN file for divorce.

Honey, you've got ALL of the cards in this hand. The mortgage is in your name only. I'm assuming you pay all the bills. Do you handle all of the finances as well? Do you have all of the records? Change the passwords if he knows them.

You could put the house up for sale tomorrow if you wanted to and since the house is in your name there's not a darn thing he can do about it.

He's blowing smoke at you if you actually think he would get anything from you in a divorce. Is he capable of working or is he disabled somehow?

Do what the other poster said and call the shelter and ask them for advice. If there is a university near you call their law school and see if they have a program that helps people without a lot of money in situations like yours.

The only way this gets better is when you cut useless stuff out of your life. You would/will be so much better off in so many ways.

It's tough for men these days - yepyepyep

[ In Reply To ..]
Way back in the day, men owned women--you were under your father's control until you married, then your husband owned you. Literally. If you had anything valuable, it became his. As time went on, men still called the shots. If you were a white male in America, you were king of the world, but *any* man of any race, religion, or economic background still had more rights than women for decades. Until the 1920s in the US if you wanted a divorce (a rarity) your husband automatically got the kids, which pretty much meant that you had to be married to Hannibal Lecter or someone if you could bring yourself to leave your children. And that was if your husband "allowed" you to divorce him. Men really could do anything and get away with it. And there are still enough men alive from generations past to goad younger men into bad behavior ("I would never let a woman get the better of me, keep in her place, you're the boss" blah blah blah. How completely sad that your guy has to disable the internet in order to feel like he is in control of you. (BTW, if you can operate a computer, you can figure out to reconnect the net.) A lot of things in life can be worked out, even if not perfectly, but when you stated that he had no respect for you, the writing is on the wall. The only thing worse than that is when *you* have no respect for you, and that's not far in the future if you stay with a guy like this.

He disables your internet connection so you cannot work? - I would be gone.....sm

[ In Reply To ..]
How would he like it if you disabled his vehicle so he could not go to work?

This is a control freak!!!

Interesting. I hear taking out the thingamabob (distributor?) - if easy to do. What a great idea. nm

[ In Reply To ..]
x

LOL! Do cars still have those? I used to - stick a pen in my

[ In Reply To ..]
carburetor (sp) to get my car to start. I wouldn't know how to find either on cars these days!

Ha! I used a toothbrush - in my old trans am

[ In Reply To ..]
to get it to start!!! Also my windshield washer sprayer wouldnt spray, so I would have to stick my arm out the window while driving and spray a bottle of the stuff to clear the salt and snow off! I had some real beater cars! Had to bungee strap the drivers door to the passengers door when it was cold out because the door wouldnt shut! OH, the memories!

Don't take that. I would talk to a lawyer - BTDT

[ In Reply To ..]
See what where you stand legally as far as assets, liabilities and such. Call several in the area. Most give free consultations. The more lawyers you talk to the more that eliminates from him. Also, it will get your confidence up.

Don't listen to H. He is putting ideas in your head that you're trapped so you will bend over and take it because that is what you deserve (He wants you to believe that not me). My soon-to-be x did that to me too. Talk to an attorney, several of them. You will find out you're not as stuck and helpless as he wants you to believe. No one deserves to put up with abuse either.

Get out!! - Backwoods Typist

[ In Reply To ..]
Even though you have been married to this man for many years, you said yourself that any love you have for him is basically gone. BIG RED FLAG. Once the love is gone, its done. He clearly has no respect for you and frankly you have none for yourself having tolerated his childish behavior for so long.

Find a good lawyer and get out. There are good men out there willing to help you as you help them, that love and respect you, and make your life utter joy. I have been married for the last 9 years and couldnt imagine my life without him (though when Im angry that can change, but only for a while). He is abusing you mentally, isolating you from friends and eventually family. Physical will follow.

The important thing to remember is this: You ARE SO MUCH BETTER than what he tells you you are. You can survive and make do without him. You are a special person and frankly, he does not deserve you. Not saying it will be an easy process, but you can get through it. How you go about things is up to you, but help is out there. Your friend is one outlet. There are also women shelters that will assist in helping you (and children) get out safely and establish a new life. Talk to a lawyer to see what your options are. It wont hurt. Good luck to you. I will keep following this to see how things work out.

Indeed, get out - MCG

[ In Reply To ..]
Life is much too short for you to waste another minute on this "man." Much, much too short. Think about how it would feel to be rid of him and be free for a change. I've been there, done that, and I hate to think about others having to go through with this kind of abuse.

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