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Irritable husband

Posted: Nov 22, 2010

I need some advise on how to handle an irritable husband. Of late, my husband is so irritable. It is driving me nuts. He is always biting my head off or just impatient with me and my children. He works nights, and it is so bad that when the children hear him getting up for work, they go to bed. They do not want to be around him. I am feeling the same way. He can put me in a bad mood instantly with his irritability and negative attitude. I don't know what his problem is. I have tried kindness, snapping back at him as he snaps at me, etc. He is very argumentative. If he says something and I answer back, he will argue. If I agree with him, he will still argue, and state what I was going to state as my point of view in the first place. For example, if he says it is white, and I say it is black, he argues. If he says it is white and I agree, he will say it is black -- AGGHHH! He is just being mean and miserable, and I do not know how much more we can take.

;

Sounds like my husband - Lisa

[ In Reply To ..]
Sorry, I have no advice to offer, but just know that you are NOT alone! My husband has been argumentative, negative, condescending, disrespectful, and just plain miserable to be around over the years, the past few being by far the worst. At first, I drove myself to distraction trying to figure out what was wrong and how I might help him. When all avenues failed, including endless heart-to-heart talks (when he would still actually talk to me with some civility), suggestions of counseling, pointing out how upsetting his behavior is to the family, etc., I finally gave up and just decided he's an insufferable @ss! There was no reaching him. I now barely speak to him at all because anything I say is grounds for immediate contradiction, arguing, minimizing, one-upping, etc. I have lost all respect for this man, and frankly, I don't give a damn what's bothering him or not anymore. He makes everyone around him miserable and upset and simply doesn't care! Since I am not in a position to leave, I just steer clear of him and hope that we don't have to have a conversation. I know it's not a healthy way to live, and I would never have imagined my life ending up this way, but I pray everyday that I will be able to get out soon! I hope your situation isn't this bad, and that your husband will at least hear out your concerns and be willing to work on whatever is bothering him.

I wish you all the luck because I know how hard it is to live with someone who you dread having interaction with everyday.

irritable husband - Cloverport

[ In Reply To ..]
Lisa, I am sorry to say but I am in the same boat you are in, doing the same things. I have been married for 35 years, and he has been this way off and on throughout our marriage; however, it is getting worse. I too just steer clear of him. I will lie in bed until I hear him leave in the morning before I get up, etc. His mood just ruins my day. It is better to just avoid him. It is sad. I just wish I knew what his problem was. If I try to talk to him, he turns it around on me, and states that I am the one this way -- I am about at my wits end. My home is not a refuge anymore :-(

Wow...35 years... - Lisa

[ In Reply To ..]
I've been married for 23 years and thought that was a long time! Every day seems like an eternity though, as I'm sure you know. Our husbands' behaviors sound extremely similar, especially with their behavior having worsened over time, and how they turn every situation around on us, trying to make everything OUR fault. You finally start to doubt your own mind, your own sanity after awhile!

For the other poster who's husband eventually sought help and got a diagnosis, I am most happy for her and their marriage. However, some men just don't have the desire or insight to recognize their dysfunction or the damage they are causing, and choose to blame everyone but themselves for everything wrong in their lives. I finally sought therapy for myself before I totally lost my mind. My therapist helped me to see that his issues were not caused by me, nor are they mine to resolve. If he doesn't care enough to seek help for himself and for the sake of our marriage and family, there is nothing I can do. My only goal now is to keep my sanity, and keep the peace in our home until I can escape this nightmare. I know he will never change, and even if by some miracle he were to finally seek help, it would still take years of intensive therapy and hard, committed work for him to resolve these behaviors (so says my therapist). I have already (stupidly) sacrificed 23 years of my life to this man, and I am not willing to sacrifice anymore time or energy on what I now consider a lost cause. Believe me, there have been many ultimatums made over the years, but they were really just empty, desperate attempts to get him to wake up, because he knew I didn't have the means to walk out the door with our kids.

I should also add that this man has a long history of drug and alcohol abuse, having been clean and sober only a scant number of years throughout our marriage. I believe these addictions are only additional symptoms of the underlying issues he has carried all of his life. His problems are deep; his denial even deeper, but this is where he is most comfortable and wants to remain. That's his choice, but I also have choices, which I didn't recognize for many years.

Cloverport, I can truly empathize with you and hope you will consider seeking out a pastor or counselor to talk to about your situation. It has helped me tremendously to have a professional sounding board to keep things in perspective and to stay focused on my goals. Before this, I was deeply depressed and extremely hopeless about my life...and I still have my days! But I no longer feel "sad" for him or for the loss of our marriage. I know I've done all that anyone could do. It has to be a 2-way street and, unfortunately, I'm married to a 1-way mule.

Just remember you're not alone! Hang in there and just get on with your life and career and don't let his moods (good or bad) affect you anymore!!

depression, maybe? - flcmt

[ In Reply To ..]
My hubby was like that too and when I finally gave him the choice of seeing an MD or me leaving, he went to MD and was diagnosed with major depression disorder and generalized anxiety. He's now on Lexapro and Xanax, doing talk therapy, and MUCH more pleasant to be around. His family is astounded at this; though he's not always "chipper", he's never as bitter as he used to be While meds aren't the answer for everyone, he's been told he can't get off them or he'll drop right back into it again.

Sometimes an ultimatum is the only thing that makes men act on their problems...though I guess you gotta be prepared on what to do if he says no (I knew mine would agree with me).

Jeez, I think we need to form a support group! - Mine too

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm in the same boat - married 24 years. I'm still trying but my 19 year old daughter is so fed up she won't talk to him. I sought counseling almost two years ago, but he absolutely refuses to go. Leaving is not an option for me - I'm the one who makes the money and I work too hard for this house to leave it. But I'd have to pry him out with a crowbar. He runs his own business out of the same office I work in but the profit from this business is only about $8,000 a year. And I still care enough about him I don't want him out on the street and unable to get a job at 57.

In some ways he's been a model husband. He doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs. He's home all the time. But he sits in our bedroom watching politics on TV while the rest of the family interacts.

This is not the man I married! That man was outgoing, fascinating to talk to because he's so well-read and knowledgeable, appreciative and loving. Now every request is an interruption, every accomplishment met with a snide remark or joke, never just a simple "thank you" or "good job!"

I'm holding out for the kids moving out, which should be within the next couple of years. We've historically been at our best when we're one-on-one and working towards a goal together and I hope with money pressures of college tuition and lack of medical insurance easing up maybe I can find him again.

And yes, he is depressed, and on two different antidepressants, sertraline and trazodone, thank God! He's absolutely unbearable when he's not on them!

Wish I could offer you help, but I can't even offer me help! All I know is my therapist and I work on changing patterns of responding that are different, since what I've been doing obviously hasn't worked.

Good luck, to all of you!

Mine acted like that because - our home, and with me, was not where he wanted to

[ In Reply To ..]
He wanted to be with her in her home.

re: irritable husband - nail on the head

[ In Reply To ..]
EXACTLY! That would be my FIRST suspicion. My ex used to blame his moods on ME, start stupid arguments and even blame the kids for his moods, any excuse to steer clear of us and/or leave the house for hours on end to carry on his affair. He prefered to be with his GF.

When I FINALLY caught on and sent him packing, SHE DIDN'T WANT HIM EITHER! She was just one of those who liked messing up marriages and being with married men because they don't normally leave their wives! scum bags, the both of them.

He sulked, begged... Once bitten twice shy. I never ever looked back. He made a fool out of me.

If I were you (you women who "steer clear" of you husbands in your own homes like you're afraid to poke the bear), I'd be checking cell phone bills, mileage on cars, sniffing shirt collars, calling work to see if he's there. Become your own PI.

If it really turns out that he's just an A-hole, they STEP UP! Why let your man rule you? I would never be a subserviant submissive woman. HEAR ME ROAR? You can roar too!

Re: Nail on the head - Lisa

[ In Reply To ..]
Don't just assume those of us who "steer clear" of our abusive husbands haven't already thought about and done the PI thing. I did that years ago (when I still cared) and never came up with a scrap of evidence. If he's cheating now, I don't give a damn, plain and simple. In fact, she's welcome to him if that's the case!!

I'm also not afraid of confrontation or hearing the truth...if he were ever willing to actually speak it! But some men are just miserable, sick jerks with deeply seated emotional issues who take out their misery on everyone around them, and yes, some of them are cheaters too.

As for "stepping up"...I have done so MANY, MANY times but it has gotten me nothing but more heartache! He's a self-centered liar and addict, who is adept at playing horribly abusive mind games that used to send me into emotional meltdowns, whereupon he would blame ME for escalating things and then casually walk away LAUGHING to himself. But all that has ended now because I have chosen NOT to engage him on any level. He doesn't play me or rule me, because I don't allow him to!

It's easy to tell others what to do in these situations if you've never actually been in a long-term, emotionally abusive relationship, so I understand that your frustration comes out of ignorance; but there needs to be compassion and understanding for women who are trapped in these situations and living empty, lonely lives with unresponsive, uncaring men. Most of us never imagined that our lives would turn out this way, and no one would ever choose to live this way. I just keep praying for a lottery win since my current MT income isn't steady enough to allow for my "escape" just yet.

Wow - Cloverport

[ In Reply To ..]
Wow Lisa, we sound so much alike. My husband has cheated twice. I too do not give a damn if he is now or not. If I do catch him again it is adios amigos.

re: Lisa - kimber

[ In Reply To ..]
How sad that you have to live this way. I hope you can escape soon. Emotionally you sound a wreck and I pray that when you do get out that you will find a love (not necessarily a relationship) to make your life whole and happy. Your man is an emotional abuser and will get no where in his life.

If I win the lottery, I'm looking you up and getting you out of there.

Something that made me open my eyes and realize - how much I was giving up

[ In Reply To ..]
My "ex" was an alcoholic. The nicest guy you would ever want to meet until he had a few beers under his belt. He finally went for help after I told him to leave and he found himself sitting alone in an apt. with nothing but his 12-pack of beer for companionship. When he started his rehab they had counseling for the addict, for the co-dependent, and couples counseling. Our first couples session the counselor told us, this may or may not work to repair your marriage. Sometimes there has just been too much damage done to repair. It was true 10-years of tip-toeing through the house, hoping he would hurry up and pass out so my kids (not his) and I could have a normal night. But what I thought was normal was never normal. I made sure the bills were paid (he did work and make fantastic money), I cleaned the house, did the yard work, washed my car, I did it all just so the household would run normally (or what I thought was normal.) All of that took it's toll on my feelings for him. Him getting popped for being under the influence at work was what finally woke him up, he had already lost me, his kids, my kids and he had nothing and was on the verge of losing his job. So I went with him for counseling and I went to my own co-dependent counseling and that was when I realized how much damage I had done to myself and my kids. The point I am trying to make is, I ignored his behavior, I avoided him so there would be no confrontation, I handled all the everyday problems and through all of that I LOST MYSELF. The day the counselor asked me "What are you going to do for YOU this week"? I think I replied something like clean my carpets that I have been wanting to clean and she said to me "No, I said what are you going to do for YOU." It was at that moment I realized I had lost myself. She kept at me and said I want an answer, tell me what you are going to do for YOU this week. I finally said I think I will go to a movie. She said good, when you come back next week I want you to tell me what movie you decided to go see and what it was about. By doing that she knew that when I came back the next week I would have to tell her what it was about or admit that I had done nothing for myself and hadn't gone.

What I am trying to say is by doing what you guys are doing, I lost ME. I lost the person that was happy and confident and had alot to offer the world and I turned into "Mrs. I have to handle everything and nevermind what my needs are."

So my question to you is "What are you going to do for YOU" next week? I want a reply, O.K. and you can tell us all about what you did and how it made you feel. Trust me, it will be the first step you take to finding yourself and your inner strength again. When you are finally financially able or you finally realize that financially, if you wait another 20 years you will still be saying you are not able. Whenever that time comes you will walk out knowing who you are and what you want and how to get it. Emotional abuse is just as bad if not worse than physical abuse. Emotional abuse stays with you for a long, long time and takes alot of work to repair. Physical abuse if you manage to walk away from it....it is over and done.

this is what I'm doing, though not next week - flcmt

[ In Reply To ..]
I finally told hubby that we're going to move back home when our lease is up. We moved out to Denver from FL so he could be closer to his 93 y/o grandma and uncles, but that hasn't done anything at all and in fact has made his moods worse. So I made the decision it's time to go back home where I have some extended family and friends for MY support. We have to finish our lease here and wait for tax refund to do it, but this will make me much happier. Now I'm just working as much as I can to save money for that.

You say below he has already cheated 2 x - sm - ECMT

[ In Reply To ..]
I would not wait for a third time, though it certainly sounds like that may be happening now anyway. Presuming he is a wuss, he is trying to be such a jerk to you as to get you to kick him out, or leave yourself (don't) or file divorce so you will be the "bad guy" in a divorce. I am sure he would spin it that he did nothing wrong and you kicked him out or left/abandoned him. I would go talk to a divorce lawyer, lay it all out, find out where you would stand financially, depending on the state he would not end up with everything even if he paid for most of it, my state has equitable distribution, while my DH would get more than I would, I would still get about 30-40% of the house though he provided the downpayment, as well as half his 401K from the time we married, etc, on down the line. I would come out way ahead of him in the end with all debts paid off and enough for a hefty downpayment on a house (or able to buy our house from him in full with money left over) if I chose to go that route. I looked into a while back as things were getting bad, but we were able to discuss our issues and have been able to avoid divorce which neither of us want and things are much better now. My DH has never cheated though and he knows he'd be toast if he ever did. There is no point in living that way if everyone is miserable. Call a lawyer on Monday and get the wheels in motion.

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