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Husband is addicted to the gym.

Posted: Jan 17, 2013

This is the stupidest problem ever, but my husband is addicted to the gym. He doesn't stay all day, but he goes every day. He gets off earlier than I do and goes. Then I get home and am expected to cook dinner while he is there or while he is showering afterwards. If I don't cook, he will go get fast food. He does NOT cook . His gym time has precluded us from doing other activities such as keeping our grandkids in the afternoon/evening and he has even let the yard go until the weekend because going to the gym is more important than mowing. He is very healthy and always been on the skinny side so he doesn't NEED to be there. This has been going on for 3 years. I thought he would burn out on it, but nope. It is such a serious rift we have talked about separation over this.

Any ideas? I tried going --- can't go with him as he makes me feel bad (I am overweight and not athletic). I tried going early in the morning before work, but it is very stressful. I walk on a treadmill at home instead so my going to the gym is not happening. How can I be hating him over something this idiotic?

;

How many hours is he there? - RC

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm admittedly a gym addict myself. I used to hate going, but if you do it enough times, it DOES get addicting. And it's not an addiction you exactly feel guilty about because, well, it's the thing you're supposed to be doing anyway!

Do you think that maybe he is using the gym as a way to have "me time?" Because I know I do. I want that me time, I need it, and when I don't get it, I get snappy at my husband.

Is it possible for him to go on his lunch break? That's what my husband does.

PS--You could always surprise him with the "gift" of a home gym, LOL

spidey sense - btdt

[ In Reply To ..]
How's your relationship otherwise? Because it doesn't at all sound like an addiction but you might want to check into who he's working out WITH.

Especially given that he seems to be shirking his duties with you and family. The talk of separation is significant.

Check in with yourself. Something is making you look at this and it is something deeper than him going to the gym.

I'm a divorce recovery coach and can't tell you how many times things start at the gym. :(

hmmmm..... - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
me thinks there is more to his story, was my first gut response. I'm with BTDT on this one.

No, its not idiotic. As your husband, he needs to realize that - your wife should always...

[ In Reply To ..]
take priority in your life. If him spending too much time at the gym is affecting your relationship, then he needs to make some adjustments or invest in some exercise equipment at home. If nothing else, limit the amount of time he spends there.

Also, why do you feel bad going with him because you are overweight and not athletic? You dont have to be thin and athletic to go to the gym. In fact, thats the reason most people go to begin with either that, or they are there trying to remain thin or fit or whatever.

Anyway, thats neither here or there. I say get busy on your work out routine with your treadmill and get yourself down to a comfortable weight and keep up the exercise even after you maintain your desired goal. It will make you feel better about yourself and get out more and do stuff with friends or family members.

I know that when you are married your husband is suppose to be your best friend and vice versa; however, some men seem to forget about that (women too sometimes). Maybe once you become more comfortable with your body and start getting out more doing stuff on your own and your not there making his dinner every night, he will take notice and see how it feels.

Sorry if I sound harsh, its just that Im married too and I go through similar situations with my husband from time to time be it hanging out with the buddies and not spending enough time at home or whatever, I know how you feel.

You are not ignorant, I applaud you for stating.. - bshel

[ In Reply To ..]
this so publicly. We are in the same club! I never thought I would ever talk to anyone who had the same issue as I did. My husband started going from one, maybe two times a week to just about five days a week. He didn't even need it, was in great physical shape, not one medical issue. He is now my ex. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I loved him so but could not take it. He was gone constantly. I too tried to go with him but it just wasn't for me. Besides, I was in great shape too. God bless you and I hope your relationship does better than mine did. Thanks again.

Glad to know I am not alone. - no name

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't even want to change his behavior anymore; just want to know how to quit being so angry and petty about it. He is a grown man and I am not his mother. If I wanted to go to the gym, I would. I just can't seem to get over this. I get home from work every day and he is either there or showering from it. I get angry and stay angry all evening over it. It just seems nuts to me to be angry over it.

anger is a choice that - you are making

[ In Reply To ..]
If you are not happy with your situation (and you have every right not to be) then YOU have to change it. Don't wait for him to change, or hope that he will change, because obviously he will not. But we are all in control of our own emotions. Nobody can make you angry unless you let them. If you let them make you angry, then THEY control you. You have to take a mindset that you are happy, you are going to remain happy, and live that emotion. It will change your life. You may leave him (and the situation) because of it, but that is you seeking out your own happiness. I am really surprised that nobody on here suggested that you were "playing the victim" as so many are so quick to say, but in this situation, you ARE. Make happiness your choice and just CHOOSE not to be angry over it. Only you can do that. Nobody else. I wish you all kinds of luck.

Gym issues - Anonymous

[ In Reply To ..]
Invest in a home gym and set it up in your basement or garage, cancel your gym membership and he will need to work out at home. It could be worse, he could be lying on the couch drinking beer and watching sports 24-7. BTW, I used to train that hard and was in the gym 5 days a week, 3 days of cardio and 2-3 days of strength training is really not excessive. However, the workouts should probably only take an hour, 2 at the most.

Yeah that is the best thing I have come up - with that he is not

[ In Reply To ..]
doing anything worse. Still annoying when I am working and he is playing --- every day.

but he is playing AFTER work, yes? - ...

[ In Reply To ..]
I thought you said he gets off work earlier than you. It's not like you are working and he is not.

Yes he goes after work - no name

[ In Reply To ..]
I would draw the line at NOT working and hanging out at the gym.

"Playing the victim"......Why does this poster - noneya

[ In Reply To ..]
pick at this person who needs support. I don't call people names, it is rude and unproductive. I would say she has enough on her plate without being categorized and demeaned by someone who clearly wants to start something. Jeeze, get a hobby.

Thank you for support. - I really

[ In Reply To ..]
hesitated even posting this because there are so many unsupportive people, but I thought if even one person had any suggestions I could overlook any negativity. Thanks again.

As with my situation...the gym problem - bshel

[ In Reply To ..]
was not the main issue. It went alot deeper than the gym. I'll bet you know that too. He would go Saturday mornings and NEVER give it up for anything. I wanted to do things with him on Saturday mornings and he would choose the gym over me every time. That really made me feel so bad. I tried to talk to him about it and he wouldn't, didn't think anything was wrong with it. It was "my problem" and how I thought about it. So, I started seeing a counselor and that helped tremendously.

Thanks, another good answer. - no name

[ In Reply To ..]
I really would love to see somebody and talk about all "my" issues, but not sure if insurance covers it and really difficult to take off work regularly for counseling. I can't even hardly get off work to go to the dentist or get a mammogram, so couseling seems way down the list. Getting counseling is always the advice people give on TV and in magazines, but it is really difficult to do, both financially and if you work 8-5.

The same issues for seeing a counselor.... - bshel

[ In Reply To ..]
you mention applied to me as well. My employer at that time had an EAP (employee assistance program)and I went to my supervisor, told her I had some personal things I needed help on and she directed me to the EAP providers and saved my life, literally. The first three visits were free. The other visits, they let me pay a little each month. Check it out, it may work for you too. I really suggest it.

Counseling - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
If something is really important to you, then you will find the time to do it and not sit and make excuses why you can't get it done...be it going to counseling, the dentist, the library, the gym, etc.

There are plenty of counselors who will work with you financially and have office hours past 5.

Friends - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
If you have a friend you really trust, make a weekly Saturday or Sunday date to have coffee. Take turns discussing your respective issues/problems. For instance, you talk for an hour or so. For the most part, she listens. At the end, she can give you feedback in the form of her impression, affirmation, advice, a shoulder to cry on, etc. Then it's her turn.

I am in therapy, and it does help, but my therapist does not solve my problems for me. He helps me to see things more clearly by offering objective observations and then discusses my options in any given situation. A good friend, while not necessarily a professional, can do that, too. That's what friends are for! Therapy can be great, but until you're in a position to take advantage of it, please lean on those who love you.

I'm glad, too, that you reached out to the people on this forum. I'm sorry you're upset because of this problem. Many of us care and hope you are successful in finding a solution.

Does he ask you to go with him? - 007

[ In Reply To ..]
I think that is a key question. You mentioned having tried to go with him, was that at his encouragement and does he still ask you to come along and get involved too? Very important question, if he is asking and you don't feel comfortable going or if he is just doing it on his own with no thought to you.

I have been through similar things with an ex and somewhat with current. Ex started seriously working out, running, etc., to the exclusion of me, which ended up in him leaving for 6 months to "see if he still wanted to be married to me." It did not end up well in the end, even though he decided to return, while I sat there like a numbskull and waited for his gracious decision.

It would put up a red flag for me, just because of my past experiences. When a spouse chooses to do something to the exclusion of the other, there is something wrong, could be a variety of things, but first thing that crosses my mind because of my experience is interest in someone else.

It may not be someone specific, although in my ex's case it was. I have known personally several guys, married, who just made it a point to be at the gym at a certain time each day because that is when a certain number of eye candies were also there, and that turned their crank to be there at the same time to watchy. Heard them talk about it, though don't think in those cases went any further.

I have been there and not proud of how I let it take me down. I had let myself go somewhat taking care of the kids, working, etc., and eventually, I ended up going to the gym on my own early in the morning and got back in shape, although I was a lot younger then and was easier to do. Don't get angry, get even, and maybe that sounds mean, but don't let this get you. If just to make yourself feel better about yourself, try going on your own. If he doesn't have time to help around the house, then maybe you don't have time either. When he gets home, maybe that would be a good time for you to go, and he can get his own meals since he doesn't have time for you. Anyway, good luck to you and hope it works out if that is what you want, although sometimes what we think we want is not necessarily what we need I have discovered.

More thoughts - Anonymous

[ In Reply To ..]
I have not been in a situation like this, but would like to share some other thoughts. I think someone else mentioned it, but maybe your husband does need some "me" time. It is okay for couples to have different interests. I would not expect my husband to go to garden club with me or attend my weekly knitting group, find some activities that you enjoy and invest in your own "me" time. I can't say what else is going on in your relationship, but the harder you push this gym issue, the more he may perceive that you have a control problem and do it to annoy you. I wouldn't say it's worth separating over. Have you thought about marriage counseling or meeting with your pastor at church? I'm a stranger so it's really none of my business, but I think there must be a way to come to a compromise in regard to the gym in order to save your marriage.

Would not want to go with him - no name

[ In Reply To ..]
as he is very competitive and everything we have done together has not turned out well (dancing, bike riding, even walking -- he walks off and leaves me behind). I have been going at 5:15 a.m. by myself for about 6 weeks. Not seeing any results so far. Our daughter tried going with him in the afternoons. She won't go at all now. He has that effect on people it seems, so I don't think it is just me.

No offense, but husband or no husband, I would tell him to - get it together or kick rocks!! sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I know I dont know your or your husband from Adam, but being a married woman and having put up with much crap over the years, I just got fed up and I dont take it anymore. I put my foot down. I refuse to let any man stress me out or worry the living daylights out of me anymore. It was all about the hubby for many years, but now its all about me. Good luck and best wishes to you. You dont deserve that.

My 2 cents worth - Ayn

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm not entirely sure exactly what you are asking or if you are just venting, but it seems to me that your biggest question is "how do I quit being angry about this?"

If that is your question, my suggestion is that you can't stop being angry about it until you figure out exactly what it is you are angry about. I can't tell from your original post what you are angry about, so maybe you aren't sure either? Is it the time away from you/home, are you feeling left out or jealous, are you upset not because he goes but because he goes to often/too long, are you suspicious of what he's "really doing" or his motives, are you jealous because he has his own individual activity and you don't, are you feeling like all you do is work/cook/clean/sleep & get up and do it all over again while he gets this "break" in his days? I just can't tell for sure what it is you are angry about, but I think for you to let go of the anger you first have to understand exactly what it is about the situation that is upsetting you and then you can work on resolving that issue.

I wish you and your husband all the best!

In regards to "My 2 cents worth" - you said...

[ In Reply To ..]
"I can't tell from your original post what you are angry about"

Wow, when it read it I immediately was able to comprehend. It sticks out like a sore thumb as to why she is angry. If you missed it, then maybe you should re-read the post. They have had an ongoing issue with this and the OP said that they have even talked about separation and that it interferes with stuff they are suppose to do with their family like babysitting their grandkids.

Ummm...I can totally see why she is angry. The man is spending way to much time away from home and he is letting it interfere with his marriage and the time he has with his grandkids. I mean I could go on, but I would think its a no-brainer as to why she is angry or upset. She came here to vent from what I gather and she asked on feedback if people thought she was being "idiotic" for being angry with her husband's behavior.

The fact that he knows this is upsetting to her and he still chooses to do it and not limit the amount of time he spends there shows that he is inconsiderate of her feelings. In one post the OP stated that she tried going with him and so did the daughter, but he is so competitive that neither of them feel comfortable going with him anymore.

I mean its not rocket science. *If* she is jealous, she probably has a right to be. I mean with all due respect to the OP, I would probably be suspicious if I were her. Sounds like he is behaving very selfishly and being inconsiderate of his marriage and letting whatever it is about that gym get in the way of him spending time with his grandkids.

Agree with what you say - sm - XXX

[ In Reply To ..]
I think she is also angry because he is off doing his thing and she is home working, and he expects dinner on the table when he gets home, etc. and is not willing to help out or compromise at all from the sounds of it. Yes, very selfish, does what he wants and poo poo on anyone else's wants or needs. I would be angry too, and she has every right to be upset.

My DH did something similar with his ex-wife, he would get home from work and then go hang at the neighbors house for hours, avoiding his wife, as he did not want to spend time with her. He told me all this one time. They did not have children so at least he was not evading that responsibility. He was being the typical weanie guy and did not want to be the one to initiate a divorce. Eventually she got sick of it and left him. They had not been happy together for a long time (married 13 years). I don't have that problem with him though, my DH is around too much...lol...I'd love it if he would hang at the neighbors sometimes just for a break now and then.

Is the OPs DH avoiding her? Does he want out? She said they had discussed divorce/separation. If he wants out, which certainly seems that way, then fine kick him out. Do the test, am I better off with him or without him. If he is just going about living his own life with no regard to OP and her feelings then I'd say she has her answer. But OP wants to keep it together then it will only work if he is willing to compromise on time at the gym, and when he is home try to plan some things you can do together even it is only yard work, or go out to dinner or a movie. My DH and I try to out out every now and then but usually I am too busy...I have to fix myself actually in this regard, and take a break and spend more time with him myself or someday he may decide I am too wrapped up in this deadend job (thought he likes the fact I bring in extra money)...the work can wait a couple hours, it is not going anywhere, but need to work at marriage to keep it alive. If you can see if you can get your DH to a marriage counselor, if he won't you should go on your own, it will give you a clearer perspective on your situation. Good luck.

Ouch! Could you have been any more blunt? Kills me - how people go out of their way to

[ In Reply To ..]
kick a person when they're down. If making her feel bad is what you guys set out to do, I would say you probably have accomplished it.

In case you hadn't noticed - that is the whole concept

[ In Reply To ..]
of this board....to make others feel bad anonymously, so one can feel better about themselves! I am not condoning this and have been a "victim" myself, but that is just the way of this board. If you say anything at all, but most particularly anything positive, you are in for a crap storm. I feel sorry for those who have experienced it. It is not fun...or "funny."

The concept of this board - You are right. I noticed that - a long time ago and

[ In Reply To ..]
Seldom post or come here anymore. Some of the people on here are like vultures, just waiting on the oppertunity to jump all over someone or rain on someone's parade. It should be called the bitter/hateful/misery board instead of MT stars.

My intent is not to kick anyone when they are down - sm - XXX

[ In Reply To ..]
and I am sorry if my thoughts come off that way. I was just suggesting possibilities, not in a mean spirited way either.

That is the problem with this forum, the intent of the written word and how some interpret it can widely vary in meaning.

I support the OP in her feelings of anger. I would be ticked too. But she needs to figure out what she wants to do about the situation, not how to not feel angry....the problem is still there then...get to the root and fix it is my thinking. If that seems mean then so be it.

Where is that DH of yours? Should'nt you be spending time with him - or working instead of hanging on the internet?

[ In Reply To ..]
.

Meow, actually spent some time with my kids - sm - XXX

[ In Reply To ..]
another thing I don't do a lot of except for driving them from point A to point B. We went shopping for a few hours, had a nice girls time out together. Was doing my usual morning on the computer reading the news, looking here, reading my daily comics when I posted this morning, taking a short break right now. Unfortunately spending the rest weekend working, again, but we did not have plans this weekend, he knows I am drowning in work, quite happy about that had not been the case for a while, but steady before but things have changed over the last month or two, much more work and new job though actively looking to get out so I can have a normal life again like so many of us do not. Apply to jobs here and there, but think I will get a bit more serious about it and see if I can land something that is not 14/7 like I do now, and get out of this rat race. Then I can spend more time with both my DH and my kids.

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His question was if, under the Romney/Ryan plan, they want to send people vouchers for their healthcare....would they have a way of knowing that's what it was spent on? How would they guarantee that people didn't just keep the money and go without any insurance coverage--still ending up in the ER like they do now, where they can't be denied treatment, and we all end up continuing to shoulder their unpaid medical bills. Would it be an actual paper check or voucher of some so ...

Oct 31, 2012
And now that it's over (on our end, anyway), somehow comments on this board are not so frustrating. I don't think my blood pressure has gone up a single digit today. I hope you all find the same peace after you cast your ballots. :D (just kidding!) ...