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VENT! DIL's mother...

Posted: Jun 9, 2010

So, my DIL and son have been married 5 years. My son is in the service and they had the good fortune to have been stationed in DIL's hometown for the whole time they have been together. Her whole family is there and have been a great source of support when my son has been deployed. I had opportunities to visit and thanked them for being supportive of him when he was gone.

6 months ago they were stationed one state away from me, 3 hours away. DIL was super excited about the move to a whole new state. My son was deployed again for 6 months, and they (my son and his wife) decided as a family that it would be better if she came to my home so we could help with the baby and she could work the summer at my husband's company. It seemed a win-win situation and like I said, it was a family decision. She could have gone home, but she wanted to be closer to their new home, in case she felt at anytime like she wanted to go home. Her mom went ballistic and insisted that she "come home". DIL held her ground. I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS DECISION, simply supported theirs.

Well, it's been heck since. Her mom plays the "woe is me" card CONSTANTLY. I hold my tongue, but she has taken to calling DIL on my home phone when she won't answer her cell (because she doesn't want to hear her mother telling her how mean she is for not coming home).

We are at the halfway point. I think I can make it, but that woman is NUTS! She even told me that she thought her daughter was selfish for moving away "from her". When I told her that I was HAPPY that both of my kids wanted to strike out on their own and chose to travel and live in different places, she looked at me like I WAS CRAZY! She says that she thinks families should stay together. So when I asked her about how she felt about my son being away from his family, she says "oh well that's different" !!!!?????

All I want is for my DIL to get some peace. She is slowing realizing that her mother (and sister by the way...) are manipulative and it's not good for her while she's just trying to keep balanced while her husband is away. I am enjoying the heck out of having this precious child here for these few months! I just wish her mom could be happy for her instead. She is an awesome woman, but they treat her like an unappreciative child. (she's 28, my son is 29.)

Her mom told me once that "she knew what I was trying to do"... I guess she means steal her daughter away. No wonder she was excited instead of sad when they got stationed...

Well, that's all, just wanted to write it down before my brain blew up from frustration. Feeling better.

;

My thoughts - just venting back - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
If you ever get a chance to talk to the lady and she mentions it to you tell her that your son and daughter in law are grown adults and they can make their own decisions. Tell her that it's very selfish of her to want to keep them their under her foot and there are times you have to let your kids make their own decision "just like you had to let your son go when they lived closer to them". And I'd make certain I'd tell her that you are very happy to be closer to your grandchild for a change and that if she wants she is always welcome to visit, just like when you went back to visit them when they lived closer to her. I'd tell her there is no fairness when kids are from different parts of the US to keep it balanced and in no way is it fair that one of the families is treated like it doesn't matter what they want as long as she gets what she wants. My DH and I are on opposite sides of the US. My mom wanted me closer to them and even came right out and said to me, the daughter is supposed to live close to family. Any way you look at it one side is going to get hurt.

I have a similar situation having been in the military myself and been away from home and my mom wanting to have me closer to her and the jealousy because I was close to DHs family. It's an awful thing and after mom died I still have never gotten over the guilt of not being closer to her. If anything tell her she will drive her daughter away if she keeps acting like a spoiled little girl that is throwing a tantrum because she's not getting her way. I'd also say, I'm not stealing your daughter away, you are pushing her away, and if you keep it up you are going to give her a guilt complex she will never get over and never forgive you for. - Oh yah...sure that would go over nicely. Okay, know you didn't want advice and of course will not say what I just wrote, but I wanted to vent too. This hit me very close. Kind of how I felt when I went through it with my mom, but the poor woman has passed on. I still don't blame her, it's my fault I did that to her and now I have to live with it the rest of my life. That is what is going to happen to your daughter in law if her mom keeps acting the way she does. It's an awful thing to live with guilt.

BTDT too. - Nana

[ In Reply To ..]
When my daughter and SIL moved within 40 minutes of us, his mother threw an absolute fit and acted like it was my fault!! I had nothing to do with this decision either. It was his job opportunity that brought them here, andhe has been very successul, with his income more than doubling. But believe me, there is nothing for anyone to feel guilty about. Furthermore, it has not done any good to try to talk to her. Since the grandchildren have come along, it has only gotten worse. She is very jealous and is soooo competitive. She is even talking about moving near them!!! They just cringe at the thought.

Oh, and get this. My grandson calls me Nana. The child was 2 years old, and she still had not decided what she wanted him to call her. His parents started calling her Grandma and so did the child. She got upset about that because it sounded so "formal," but said she would have to settle for that since I HAD ALREADY TAKEN the name Nana. Good grief - IT HAD BEEN 2 YEARS.

I listen to all of this pettiness from my daughter about her, but when I am around her, I just ignore it. I do not engage in the competition she tries to employ when she is in town. It will not do any good for anyone to talk to her. It is like trying to change the stripes on a zebra. It would hurt me very much if my daughter and her family ever moved away from me, but I would never ever make her or the grandchildren feel guilty over it. That is just too selfish to voice, even if you do feel it sometimes If they are successful and self-suficient people, I am proud of them.

Two books that changed my life.... - Duchess

[ In Reply To ..]
"Confronting the Jezebel Spirit, How to Defeat the Spirit of Control" by Steve Sampson and "Boundaries, How to Say No and Take Control of Your Life" by Drs. Townsend and Clark....what can I say...These two books totally changed my life because I kept having instances where people walked all over me. I would advise anybody to read these books just for dealing with life.

Thanks for the book recommendations - StartrekMT

[ In Reply To ..]
These are great suggestions. I am going to get these books at the library. As a child I was taught to turn the other cheek, and I do it constantly but don't realize it means to do that and have boundaries. This will be great reading for me. Thank you!

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