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Sister and mother problems
Posted: Dec 27, 2011
I am at a complete loss as to how to handle this situation. My mother and sister have done this before and I pretty much just let it go, but they have done it again. I have an 11-yo daughter who loves to see her grandma and her aunt. My sister has 2 smaller children that my daughter also loves to see and play with. My sister seems bent on telling my daughter things I did before she was born. Nothing God awful- like when my much older child was younger, I would go out once a week with my girlfriends. I was a single parent and needed the break. Instead my sister actually tells my daughter I went out and got drunk all the time with my friends. This is so not true. My sister does not drink AT ALL. Anything involving a drink means you're an alcoholic to her. She managed to bring up something else the other day and my daughter told me about it. I was surprised my daughter told me any of it because she knows I get angry and I don't want her seeing my mom and my sister if they are going to include my daughter in this crap. Unfortunately when I won't let my daughter see them she feels like SHE is being grounded, and I see her point. So mostly my daughter just doesn't tell me what's going on when she visits. My mother pulled this with my older child years ago - like asking him what was going on in mommy's life if I wouldn't answer her questions - prying him for the answers I wouldn't give her. Somehow they seem to think it is alright to bad mouth me to my kids or practcally making them choose sides. I think this is seriously crossing the line and trying to pit the kids against me is harmful to the kids. I just don't know how to handle this. I don't want my daughter feeling like she can't tell me things, but also don't want her feeling like she is being punished if she does. My sister is one of those that thinks everything she does is right. She took child development courses in college. Her kids are 4 and 1. I could read a flight manual, but it won't make me a pilot. I know in the end raising kids is going to be a big shock to her. My oldest is now almost 21, in college and on the dean's list. I'm very proud of how he turned out, but raising him had its moments. My sister is also of course my mother's favorite. So anything my sister does my mom won't say a thing. If she did, my sister would cut her off. My mother is a strange person to begin with. Even my lovely sister says mom has a personality "quirk" that she goes after people's weakness, even her own family. Her sister won't even speak to her and that's been going on for 17 years. (I call it a character flaw!) Any advice here? I've talked until I am blue in the face and threatened as well. Nothing stops. How do I either get them to quit or find a way to end visits with them without making my daughter feel like a traitor??? I want her to have an extended family and have a family that loves her, but this is ridiculous!
;
We must have the same sister - ugly duckling
[ In Reply To ..]I dont think there is a solution. My daughters are now 23 and 21. My sister has done the same things to them. Your mom did this, your mom did that, you dont have to listen to your mom.
My sister took my kids and a friend of each of my kids (4 total) up north 4-wheeling. I told her that they MUST wear helmets. When they got back, I found out one of my daughters friends had fallen off the 4-wheeler and had marks all over her face and head. When I asked my sister why she didnt have a helmet on, she said, "she did" right in front of all of the kids. Well, she lied! The kids were told they didnt have to wear a helmet because they were not going too fast!
This type of undermining behavior is not right. Never once has my sister told my children, "you should do what your mother says because she is right, and she wants what is best for you, and she is your mom." Instead, she tries to be the "cool aunt" and it has caused serious problems with my children.
I wish I would have cut her out of my kids lives a way long time ago. I figured after multiple talks, she would change. No, she just got worse.
I have no advice for you, except that if your sister and mother will not listen to your rules, including no prying for information and no bad talking their mother, then I would stop contact.
I cannot stand people who have to cut others down to make themselves feel better. They need serious help.
Same sister... - anon
[ In Reply To ..]Thanks for the advice! I know how you feel definitely. I don't understand all of this bad mouthing. My only problem with telling them not to do it is that my daughter doesn't want to tell me when they do it because she is afraid I won't let her see them anymore. It's the only way I know that they are doing it again. Mostly I feel sorry for my kids. I personally don't give a **** what they say about me, but making the kids feel so torn is horrible to me! If they think they are hurting me they're nuts! I don't think I will get the point across unless there are serious repercussions. I've even wondered if there is a way to get something through the court, but hate to go that far.
Wicked sister - Laine
[ In Reply To ..]Have you asked your daughter why she enjoys the company of these people? They clearly have no respect for you and treat you with contempt, yet your daughter wants to be with them. Maybe if you can understand what the attraction is, it will help you to help her understand why you want to cease contact. At the very least, she needs to understand that the chances are very good that when she has children of her own, your sister will turn on your daughter and do the same thing to her.
Toxic, hateful people love new targets.
I think your instinct to cut contact is the right one. Those people are toxic. You might want to choose a time when you and your daughter are alone and there has been no conflict or visits with your sister recently and just talk to her calmly about this toxic relationship and how wrong it is. Explain again how terrible it makes you feel and how hurt you are by it and ask her to help you come up with a way to deal with it. Find out why she even wants to be around those people. Tell her it's all right for her to ask them to stop lying about you and badmouthing you and to stand up for you when they do. Help her understand why it's so wrong and why it would be better to stop contact. You are the adult. In the end, you get to make the decision you think is best for your child, but maybe you can help her understand why it had to be done.
Goood luck to you. I hope you are able to find a solution that will bring peace to your life.
Reply to wicked - anon
[ In Reply To ..]I know I gonna probably have to cut off visits. I know why my daughter likes to go over there. They get to take her places and do things with all of the kids. I work too much to do a lot of that and I'm a single parent and money is often too tight. I'm thinking about asking for a split shift this summer as that is when my daughter goes the most. That way if I have the money (sigh) I can take her places some this summer. I feel bad telling her she can't go with them when the other option is staying here and doing nothing while I work. I think she should be able to tell them to stop too, but again unfortunately my sister is very confrontational with her opinions and it is hard even for me to approach her. Her answer to me the last time I brought this up was "well I talk to everyone this way and if you don't like then I guess we don't need to talk anymore". From the prying and the complete nosiness into my life, my mother the cameleon (sp?) tells my every move to my sister. (Mom is very much one person to the outside world and a completely different one with me - it's almost creepy). I'm thinking maybe instead of a big confrontation about my daughter not going over there anymore, maybe I should just find excuses to keep my daughter at home - you know, let's go to the park or let's go to McDonald's. Something so that she doesnt miss going over there as much. Again money and time are issues, but I think I'm gonna try just nudging them out of the picture. I know my daughter doesn't want to hurt any of us and doesn't want anyone mad at her.
Why not let her visit but not alone - make sure you are always there - so you can correct them on the spot
[ In Reply To ..]Sort of like when 1 parent has to have someone present when they visit with their child.
To me, it's clear your daughter wants to see them and they want to see her, so just make it that you are always there too. Then you can nip all the bad mouthing right in the butt. Or better yet, when you get together with them say all these nasty things about her that aren't true. Like say when she was younger she used to go drinking and get drunk all the time and when she says that's not true then say - gee now you know how I feel.
But then again I like revenge. But seriously I'd let them get together but I'd also make it clear to both of them they cannot be trusted to be alone with your daughter so they either get to see her with you or not at all.
Also to wicked - anon
[ In Reply To ..]I also know when my daughter visits mom or sister they tell her "now don't tell mom or she won't let you come over anymore". So sick and sad. Somehow they always make me out to be the bad guy here!
I hope you are able to find a solution - Laine
[ In Reply To ..]Families are hard.
Hugs and best wishes to you.
I can so relate - Single mom
[ In Reply To ..]My sister had the nerve at one point to tell my kids that she always considered them HER children, as she was the better parent than me. That's when my daughter stopped having anything to do with her. My son followed suit soon after. One other poster made a good point that happened to my kids, once they became adults my sister then went after them, telling untrue stories and lies about them. Needless to say, no one has anything to do with her except my parents. Oh, and yes, my sister has a grown son who has been in and out of trouble for assault and battery, and her husband uses drugs. I always figured she got consumed trying to ruin other people's lives so she didn't have to concentrate on her own. So sad.
wicked sister - MT
[ In Reply To ..]Your kids are only going to be kids once. They are impressionable right now and you are allowing this behavior to happen in front of your children. You say they lie and spread rumors so is a trip to McDonald's or a trip to the park really more important than the person your kids are going to become as adults after being exposed to such hatefulness? Kids don't know what to believe when they are little and are often times impressed upon by preying adults...eventually your kids are going to listen to their aunt and grandma thinking you must be the bad one. This is only going to culminate in a nightmare for you as the teenage years progress because that is the time when life is confusing already. In order for kids to appreciate things, they need to experience not getting them all the time. If you can't afford a trip to McDonald's or wherever, then when you are able to, it will be a special treat. You are trading your children's morals, values, and self-esteem so that they get to go to McDonald's. How petty does that seem? I, for one, do not tolerate such behavior by anybody in my life. You have ONE CHANCE to raise your kids and that's it and everything you do and everything they are exposed to is what makes them the adults they become. Congratulations on your son by the way, but remember that boys are much less traumatized by drama than girls are. You need to cut contact and if you have to work an extra hour at the end of the day so that you can take your daughter to McDonald's, well then so be it. Your daughter will see just how hard you work to earn enough to take her to these special places versus being thrust into a situation she cannot control or stick up for you. Does she have enough fun to outweigh the uncomfortableness they put her through? By not telling you what they are saying for fear that she will not be able to see them again, is teaching her to lie to you. She is learning that if she omits the truth than she will not be punished. How well do you think that's going to go over as a 16-year-old and she wants to go to a party? She will just tell you she's staying at a friend's house because as long as she omits the truth, she cannot get in trouble. You need to think about the long-term ramifications...not just the immediate. This is your child, your one chance at raising her the right way....I myself would say the sacrifice of cutting her off from your family and maintaining her innocence as a young child would very much outweigh the very petty trip to McDonald's where she has to endure hours of lies about you and being pressed for information she doesn't feel comfortable giving.
I agree - ugly duckling
[ In Reply To ..]That is precisely what happened to my 2 girls. They are now 21 and 23 and the younger one hates me, believes all the lies, and is living with my sister. The older one lies so much that you never know what she is saying. The older one just now is starting to see what my sister has done, but suffering through those teen years with my girls being influenced by her has been HELL.
There is no way to repair that damage that they cause. Kids are impressionable and they want love, that is all. They just dont have the capacity to know the truth and the lies they are being told become their truth.
I would surround them with positive people, get friends to help in place of the family. Get the big brother big sister program or something like that.
I know over time my girls will figure it all out on their own, but I am missing precious years with them that I will never get back and the hate in their hearts now is not worth the "supposed love of their family."
when it gets uncomfortable enough, - surrounded by passive-aggressive
[ In Reply To ..]You will do something about it. What advice did you take after the last time you posted this same message? I understand if you want fresh insight and advice, but if you post and then don't do anything, then ask again, well, IMHO you are living the life you choose.
If someone doesn't respect me as a person or as a parent to my child, they aren't in my child's life or only when under my control (meaning I am present to stop their intrusiveness). Either you aren't interested in changing your situation (it is not uncomfortable enough) or you are being passive-aggressive and just post as a victim unwilling to change anything.
Come down off your high-horse. Who are to determine whether - Someone wants to change
[ In Reply To ..]Until you have walked in someone Elses shoes, keep your psychologic opinions your own. You have no idea until you've lived the exact situation.
actually I have been in those shoes - surrounded by passive-aggressive
[ In Reply To ..]and the people in my life who tried to sabatoge the way I wanted to raise my child are no longer part of the child's (or my) life. My feet are planted firmly on the ground, not in the stirrups of a saddle on a high horse - with my opinion completely intact, thank you very much.
We definitely DO have the same mother and kinda same sister - Good advice from someone still paying the price
[ In Reply To ..]My girls are 22 and 11. I left my ex-husband when my oldest was 6 weeks old and had to move in with my mother due to physical and mental abuse.
I will be the first to admit I wasn't always the best mother throughout her younger years. Not to make excuses, but I was a single 20-year-old mother who married at 17 ( ha to get away from my mom, ironic?). However, I was NOT the type of mother that my mom (grandma) has portrayed me to be back then. Accused of drinking 5 nights a week en actually I worked at a hospital nights and 2nd shift just getting my feet wet in the MT field. It's funny that my mother now considers that partying 5 days a week. Did I go out? Heck yes I did. More than I should have? Oh yes and I will be the first to admit it and ALL my mistakes as a young mother.
My biggest mistake was letting my mom have so much control and influence in my daughter's life, and I pay for it to this day.
We went to counseling when she was little and I was told then to get her away from my mom because of the mental damage she was doing!! I didn't want to do it as it was her only grandma and they loved each other so much. My daughter still has issues from being played the pawn. Our relationship is anything but healthy as there have been things told to her that were not true, and even if they were, they should NEVER be told to a child about true parent!!
My advice is cut ties now before too much damage is done!! I especially would not allow visits without your supervision.
To paying the price - anon
[ In Reply To ..]My gosh we definitely have a lot of the same issues. Mine are 20 and 11. I also married at 20 to get away from mom. Actually mom and sister. My father died when I was 20 (my best friend). I got married to someone who abused me. I wanted to get away from the mom-and-sister club. One of my saddest was when my father was in a wheelchair and at 19 I asked him why he didn't defend me anymore from my mom's abuse and he just looked down at his feeting sitting in that wheelchair and said he had no place else to go. I realized then I was going to need to get away from her. Unfortunately I was also dad's shadow and was the only one who knew certainly handyman things and felt obligated to help my mom after he died. Sister of course did very little. As a single parent mom did help with watching the kids sometimes and taking them to do fun things when I had no time because I was working so much. I too did go out with friends 1 night a week. I too became a "bad" parent because my mom of course never went out with friends when we were young, of course she was also married, and never going out with friends wasn't true - they just happened to go out as a couple. The mental and emotional abuse I took all of these years is unreal when I think about it. My kids also love their "nana" and aunt. I also felt obligated to continue with all of us being "close" as I felt bad that the kids had such a limited extended family (just me, mom and my sister). My son turned out great, but has told me growing up he felt like he should be able to "fix" my relationship with mom and sister. My youngest isn't old enough yet to voice those kinds of ideas. You know, if they want to be mad or think poorly of me I don't real care, but what they do to my kids is awful. I guess I just don't understand how they can't realize what they are doing to them instead of me. I do depend on them too much as a single parent, but it always has seemed like it would be worse if I had to deny the kids all the time. I know that's really not true, but like most single parents I carry a lot of guilt that I have to work a lot and still don't have much money to take them places like my mom and sister. Counselors have told me the same thing. Get away from all of this for my sake and the kids. I know I keep hoping they will change or I will be able to get thru to them to stop this behavior around the kids. I'm just gonna half to suck it up and deal with the repercussions and cut ties. Most people don't realize that even tho they do things that are very upsetting from an adult's perspective, but my kids love my mom and my sister. They don't see what they do is now finally in my opinion abusive. I sooooo appreciate you telling me your stories, especially the people who have shared with care and concern and not more judgment that I really don't need. I pray that I'm doing the right thing and not hurting my kids more than they have already been hurt. In the back of my mind I think that if something happens to my mom (she's mid 70s now) that my youngest won't resent me for breaking off ties with them. I'm thinking about getting her in some counseling after breaking ties to help her understand and be able to cope with the separation. Any prayers are truly appreciated as I know this is going to be tough on my kids. But I also have come to see there really is no choice here. Thank you again all of you who have been supportive and encouraging!!
You are welcome and see below - To paying the price
[ In Reply To ..]The break can be subtle. I have my 11-year-old now who has limited access to my mother compared to what the oldest did. She doesn't tell my little one bad things about my past though (yet), but she does hear arguments that I have with my mother regarding the oldest child and how she was raised.
My point is that your daughter can still see them, but I wouldn't allow it without you being there. My 11-year-old is smart enough that she wouldbunderstand how it's wrong that her grandma and aunt treated her mommy, and that it was also hurting her, too.
I wouldn't make a huge deal with anyone as to tell them they are "cut off". I would just make their time alone with her be done and make sure I took her for visits. I think that being as "subtle" as you can with this situation (I know not easy) will work out best. Take the counselors advice!! You can e-mail me at any time and I will be happy to listen and talk if you need it.
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The sister of the boy who brought a suspected hoax-bomb to his Texas high school said she was suspended from a school in a prior bomb scare. Her suspension occurred in 2009 while she was attending middle school in the same district. Lesley Weaver, a spokeswoman for the district, said school officials can’t release any information about the 18-year-old sister’s episode because the Sudanese parents won’t sign the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act, The school has already sent the ...