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mother in law help

Posted: May 31, 2010

Long story short, I have not spoken to my mother in law for about a year now. We have some issues that my husband and I have tried to sit down and get resolved with her, but she does not want to get anything resolved, she just wants to fight with me. A few days ago, about a week after my birthday, I got a card in the mail with a check in it. I do not want this and am going to send it back to her because why would I want money from someone who does not want to resolve anything with me, only wants to fight with me! I need advise on what I should write in the letter that I send with the check. And for anyone that is going to say that this is her way of reaching out, it is not! She only sent it because my father in law made her do it! and I have told her before that I do not want a gift from her when she cannot speak to me! I need to write this letter in a way that gets my point across to her, but she cannot go around showing the rest of the family "how rude" it is! Any advise would be appreciated!

;

Just say, Instead of a gift I would rather resolve our - yochana

[ In Reply To ..]
issues and be friends again. That would be the greatest gift you could give to me.

mother-in-law - been there

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Instead of adding fuel to the fire, don't do anything. Don't send the check back..just tear it up. Ignoring her bad/rude behavior is the best option you have. Only YOU can allow her to keep this up. Only YOU can stop this with silence. She will never change and don't expect her to. Silence is golden. If asked by other family members what is going on..just shrug and smile..if they don't know by now..they just want gossip to keep the discord going...Good Luck!

wholeheartedly agree - with been there

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You can achieve some amount of freedom from the stress by not responding. If you feel the need to write a letter, do so and then shred/burn it, but don't send it. It was well intended by your FIL for the attempt at trying to build a bridge between you and your MIL, but this remains between the two of you. Wish her well and go on with your life. Do your best to maintain your composure and dignity and leave things be.

Sending a letter - No letter

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I can understand how you feel, but I would not send a letter. I would, instead make a quick call to her, even if it is difficult for both of you, and thank her for the check, but tell her you hope that some day the two of you can have a better relationship. Someone has to be the better person. Even if it doesn't resolve the issues between the two of you, you can say you have done your part. If a phone call is too difficult I would send a pleasant thank you note expressing your feelings. Good luck.

I would cash the check and move on with life. - sm

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I never got along really that much with my MIL either, but I still accepted her gifts and also gave her gifts. I DID IT FOR MY HUSBAND NOT FOR MYSELF!!!! Your post sounds immature. Be the better person, cash the check and send her a thank you card. End of story. Why write a letter? You must want to fight with her. JMO. Save it! Your husband will appreciate it! trust me!

my husband feels the same way I do - mt

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His mother got an attitude with me because of things my HUSBAND did! Instead of getting mad at him, she got an attitude with me and started coming to my house and acting like I did not exist. I asked her to talk and resolve things for my husband's sake, but she refuses! So I am not being immature, I told her last year for my birthday to please not send me anything because if she cannot talk to me to resolve things, why send me a gift? My husband tells me to stop trying to resolve things, but I feel bad for him, that is why I have asked. I sent her an email thanking her for the check but stated that I would much rather resolve things than receive a check from her, so if she would call me so we could talk. She wrote back saying she did not know what to get me so she sent a check, not a word about us talking to resolve anything!

everything is done and there is - NothingLeftToDo

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I really think you should have bitten your tongue and not mentioned trying to resolve anything. That continues the agitation for all of you. Be a grownup, learn to leave for happiness instead of bitterness.

sorry, but I am not the kind of person that can - mt

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just pretend like nothing happened! There are a lot of different issues going on here that I did not mention. I feel that in order to move forward, things need to be talked about, seeings how she is mad at me for things my husband did, that have nothing to do with me! My husband talked to his mom and told her that she needed to stop being rude to me over things he did! My husband told her that when she came to our house she needed to treat me like I exist, that she at least needed to say hello to me when she came to my house. After that, she was invited to our daughters birthday party and did not come because she was not willing to say hello to me! So then I get a card with a check in and my daughter whose birthday was in February still has not got her birthday present, who she claims is so important to her! Since all of this started over a year ago, my husband and I have tried to talked to her about things 3 different times and all she does is bring up things from 10 years ago and a bunch of lies. They have not seen our kids since all of this started either, they have seen them 3 times in the last year and they live 15 minutes from us! But, that is a whole other issue in itself!

I think your immaturity is showing - LeaveItBe

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When my kids were little and would say, "Mom, he started it!", how many times did I say, "you can keep it up or you can finish it"?

If you and spouse will not let it die, then you are welcome to being miserable. People are not bulldogs and are capable of letting go of something that isn't good for them. good luck with side of spite.

so, if your MIL came to your house and acted like you did - mt

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not exist, you would be fine with that? When she comes in and you say hello and she puts her nose in the air and walks past you without saying a word, when you ask her something and she totally ignores you, you would be okay with that? And then goes and tells the family (that do not know you) how completely rude you were to her and you said all these awful things to her, you would just let it go, when all these other family members now think you are a horrible person (for things you did not do) and now are making comments to you about how rude you are, you would not want to get things "resolved"

Boy I'd be very happy if my in-laws never came over - sm - ---

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if they were only 15 minutes away. Ours used to live 20 minutes away, we moved 2 hours away so we would not have to see them every day once grandchildren came along as they had quite clearly told us they would be over every day once we had children. My DH was very much against that so when offered a transfer he jumped at it. Over the years it has gone from every 2 weeks to now every couple of months so at least that has gotten better. But you both sound like 2-y/o's, you need to bite the bullet and be the bigger person. You are both obstinate stubborn women who hold grudges. Whenever the next time you see her kill her with kindness, YOU go up to her, say hi, how you are Gertrude? I hope you are feeling well. The kids are thrilled to see you, blah, blah, blah, be sweetness and honey. My MIL for a long time thought it was me keeping her from having the kids on the weekends, but it is my DH, he even told her flat out it was him, though I really don't think she believes him. But I agree with him now as I have seen some of her behavior and lack of common sense. It has been a family fight between us and them now for 12 years and many a tear has been shed in a couple blow outs between him, them and BIL who won't mind his own business. But we still get along with them on ever other level, we still visit them, they still come here to see the kids. It has not stopped the family dynamic and the kids know both sets of grandparents and families. I have always taken the high road, my mom never did understand it as she would rather freeze someone out too, but I acted in the best interest for my family and harmony. You need to learn some tolerance, patience and how to kill with kindness and let all the other stuff roll off your back. No way to go about life worrying about how she won't say hi to you, or blames you for DH's misbehaving, there are much bigger issues in life to worry about.

as I said in previous post - mt

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she acts like I do not exist. I have tried killing her with kindness, she completely ignores me, does not respond at all, but then goes and tells the rest of the family how rude I was to her! This all started over a BIL that my husband has not gotten along with since well before I was around. He is a drug addict, in and out of jail and still lives with MIL. My husband told her that we would not bring our kids over there because of him and that is when all this started. She blames me and says that if the BIL is not allowed at our home, she will not come here either, but then says we are keeping our kids from her! All I want to do is get past this, but I cannot when everytime I turn around she is telling someone else some lie about me! It is very frustrating!

okay, you finally hit the nail on the head - ForClarity

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I hope you will come to understand that you cannot control what your MIL or BIL think, say or do. To worry about what other people think of you is a waste of time. You need to hold your head high and let go of it. I really do know what I'm talking about. My dd is not allowed in my home because of her drug abuse. She says lots of bad things about me - see, I adopted her child to keep from losing the little one to foster care/stranger adoption. Now, according to my dd, I am a child stealer, the cause of all her problems, ad nauseum. When all this started, my dd said the child's coming to live with me was the best thing for her (my dd brought her to my home and left her here). I don't not wake up every day letting my bad relationship with her keep me down or stand in the way of how I live my life. Her problems are hers, and I will not make them mine. I have enough on my plate by being the single mother of a wonderful child. Half the people in my family hate me, the other half think I am a hero. Shrug. I can't control what they think, say or do. I'm going to live a happy life and my child will see a happy mom.

You have choices if you chose to exercise them. Don't worry about what others think, do or say. Live a life you can be proud of and be happy in it. If you really want good things for your kids, you need to live your life in a way that makes them proud.

Wow, awesome post! - RoadRunnerMT

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It obviously shows more about the family too and it sounds like MIL is in denial about her son's drug abuse.

Cash the check and send a letter - see message - anon

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Send a letter thanking her for the check and that you endorsed it over to your husband.

If you feel very very strongly about resolving the differences, I would write a letter telling her thank you for sending "Bob" (whatever your husbands name is) the check. I would simply tell her if she is not interested in resolving the problems please do not send you any more gifts as the only gift you would like to receive from her is her friendship, but if she feels strongly about sending another check in the future to please make it payable to your husbands name.

Years ago I had a "riff" with my mother-in-law. She told me exactly what she thought of me and told me some choice words and what she would do to me (this requires me making my own funeral arrangements). We didn't speak for probably 7 or 8 months. SIL, BIL and DH wanted this resolved (more than I did) so I decided (and told them flat out) that I would get together, but under no certain circumstances were they to leave me alone with her as I did not have the proper funeral arrangements made. It turned out for the best and I learned to move on with my life. Of course easier for me to say because I live out of the area from her and now we get along very very well. But I would put in the letter that the only thing you want right now is to resolve whatever problems there are between you, and if she respects her son and wants what is best for him and everyone you would welcome any family gathering to get this done. Or something like that.

I would do nothing, just rip up the check and leave- sm -

[ In Reply To ..]
at that. All you are doing by writing back is flamming the fire. You are playing her game by reacting. Do nothing. Say nothing. If she asks about it for some reason tell her you must have misplaced it and not to worry about it or if you want trouble and it sounds like you do, tell you you ripped it up as you did not think it was sincere, etc. No matter what you do, note or no note you will be rude, unless you just write her a thank you note (taking the high road) and just never deposit the check - something like, Thank you for your generous gift. -- maybe you could just sign it over to a local charity, and tell her in your note you donated it to the local animal shelter, or wherever cause has your sympathy. That may be the best way to go.

it's money, take it, sign it, have hubby cash it, spend it; let it be. - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

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