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Problems with controlling mother...
Posted: Sep 25, 2011
I'm hoping this doesn't get too long winded, but it probably will, lol. I have an exceptionally controlling mother (I'm 44). She makes snide remarks about my parenting, my clothes, my job, you name it. I got fed up about a month ago and blocked her from calling into my home (comcast can do that). Her world's record of calling me at home was 12 times in one day. Now she can only call my cell phone. Stupid me I thought this would work out better. Her world's record on the cell phone is 8 times in one day. Now granted sometimes she has my daughter with her and they are going to see her cousins or they are runnig around places together. At that point, I feel obligated to pick up the l phone. I have a prepaid cell. In just 1 1/2 weeks, she has gone thru 50 minutes of just her calling me to signal me to call her back on the house phone. I don't talk on my cell phone, don't like it, never have. It is for emergencies. I don't answer the cell and use up all my minutes. I call her back from the home phone. She is more than a little pissed that she is still blocked from calling my house and makes a point of it by calling me on my cell for mindless, pointless questions and conversations. Meanwhile I am trying to work and she knows it. I rent from her so if she wants rent she has to let me work. I don't know what else to do here. I have to answer the phone if my daughter is with her, but this is more of an I'll-show-you thing. She loves to "get even". She hasn't had a relationship with her sister or her son (nephew) in about 18 years. It started when she wanted grandma in a nursing home and my cousin said he would take care of her at home. His fiancee at the time was a CNA. So in order to I'll-show-them, she showed up any time day or night (6am to 12 pm). They had to finally put their foot down and set some reasonable hours and to insist that she please call first as grandma might have been asleep (she had cancer). This is what my mom does to anyone she disagrees with - when things don't go her way. She finds a way to circumvent the situation and make life miserable. I cannot take it anymore. The stress is making me crazy. I can't move away. My son is in college here and one of the stipulations is he is claimed by someone in state to receive a substantial state grant. I really don't want a blow up. I would LOVE to get along and have bent over backwards to do this, but I'm done. My sister sometimes will not take her call for a couple of weeks at a time. Mom is in her early 70s and on oxygen recently now, so I try to keep track of her at least once a day due to fall risks, etc. My sister figures mom is old enough to know what to do and if she doesn't do it then oh well. Does anyone out there have any more suggestion to get some peace in my life???? TIA
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Maybe unblock her from your home number - sm - Quite a dilemma
[ In Reply To ..]and tell you have unblocked her but can only take 2 five minute calls from her a day, maybe one in the morning and one in the evening, and unless the house is on fire or someone is dying not to call. If you find she disregards your wishes just let it go to voice mail or your answering machine. Tell you that the calls disrupt your work way too much and no work, no money to pay rent or buy food, or clothes, etc. Maybe stop letting mom have your daughter, especially since her health is declining. Maybe get her one of the medical alert button things if you can afford that, or if mom can, or if you can split the cost with your sister. If you stop letting her have your daughter then block both your phones...or as that is a bit drastic just turn them off while you work...worst comes to worse you can always get a restraining order for your own mother but obviously that is pretty drastic and would kill any relationship of course. ---- another option, get a new prepaid cell and don't give the number to your mom, but make sure the school has it , etc, so they can reach you if necessary (since the other phone will be off)--- good luck!
controlling mother... - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I could do that with the cell phone I guess, but I think she has made it perfectly honest that her behavior is not going to stop because now she just does it to the cell phone instead of the house phone. If I got a new number I would need to give it to the kids and mom would grill them until they told her. She has always done this . If she does get her questions answered to her satisfaction she will grill the kids. How's that for putting them right in the middle. It's like a bad divorce. She actually went and told them a complete lie the other day. When I was younger and a single parent, I would try to go out once on the weekends when I could with some girlfriends to let off some steam. She took it upon herself to tell my oldest who is 20 that I was drunk the whole time he was growing up. He said he barely remembers me even tipsy maybe 2 times in his whole life. I NEVER drink at home. I never drink when I have to pick them up. I don't throw wild parties, this is mine and my kids home and that part of my life did not enter this part. But why, please do tell me, would she go out of her way to say something like that!!! Like in a divorce, she puts them in the middle of everything! Questions has your mom been working enough, is she dating anyone, is she REALLY broke? My oldest just says "Mom, Nana's crazy!" and leaves it as that. He still loves her and so does the younger one and I would want to deprive them of a relationship with her - she's now in her early 70s and I would never forgive myself if something happened and the kids were unable to see her before she passed. She goes around telling the kids that there is nothing she hates more than a liar. I've gotten to where when she does this I just say "Mom, that's a lie" and hang up on her. When I blocked the house phone at first I felt guilty, then I felt a tremendous relief, but that has slowly gon away again and now the every day, practically every hour stress is back. I cannot handle much more of this. Single parenting, have some health problems of my own, and in this business always broke, is bad enough, but this kind of head game is just going too far. I am starting to feel completely defeated again! I dread every day again - what will it be this time? Still open to any suggestions. I have thought about a restraining order, but she is my landlord! I know I need to move, but money is soooooo tight right now I don't know if I could afford it. Aren't there laws about emotional distress and harassment? I don't want to go this route, but I need some peace, and if it is offered to me, I am getting angry enough to just take it and to hell with what it costs me. Help please!!!!!!!!!!
I don't have an immediate fix for your situation - mthead
[ In Reply To ..]but I have heard of a great book by Dr. Susan Forward called, "Toxic Parents." It was recommended by a group of woman on another site I frequent. Hopefully, your library will carry it but it might be something you want to own as a handy reference guide to managing controlling parents. I'm sorry about your predicament but I wish you the best of luck.
Controlling mother - Mgc
[ In Reply To ..]I understand all too well what you're going through. My mom will say anything; nothing is too private for her to question/criticize, and I struggled for years to try and keep down my negative feelings for her.
My guy, who is also my best friend, taught me to change my attitude since I'd never be able to change my mom. I learned to answer her mean questions in a positive way and to keep my positive attitude with me every time I'm with her. I was truly surprised, but it worked! I could tell she was caught completely off guard by my "new self" (for want of a better way to say it).
She's a very negative person and can't/won't stop digging until she can find something bad to talk about. I've been married 3 times, so you can only imagine the questions, the innuendo, etc. "What in the world made you marry him?" This is one of the milder questions she loves to ask me. I just smile and tell her how much I've learned and how much I appreciate her interest. It took some practice, but things are better now between us.
Hope this helps you out a little.
keep the kids away from her; don't answer phone; don't engage in conversation. - Be persistent and don't feel guilty. n/m
[ In Reply To ..]nm
sandwich generation (kind of long) - wrkn4pnuts
[ In Reply To ..]I wrote a reply to you earlier before I hit the wrong key and lost it all, so I'm trying it again...your mom's behavior has really affected you and your family, and not in a good way. The short-term things you have tried are just that---they're temporary. Do you think it might be time you and your siblings talked about assisted living, or possibly a live-in caretaker, even if just for two or three days a week? It may be just what your mom also needs right now. It's not easy, but you have to think about what is best for you and your family, and for your mom. Hopefully you and your siblings can agree on something and then carry it out.
My dad put us all through some extreme acting out behavior before he passed away, a little bit of a different situation, but... His health had been marginal just before this all happened, although he was still able to drive, so he could get out and about. He had always had a gambling problem, but this time was the worst ever. He got several cash advances on his and my mom's credit cards that added up to almost $100,000. He hid the bills from mom, but she eventually found out. She ended up having to get another mortgage on their house to pay off the credit cards, and at the time they were both pushing 70, and neither of them in great health. I don't know how my mother survived some of the things he put our family through. She is an exceptional person to me.
It is difficult being part of the "sandwich generation." I will be 50 next spring. My mother is now 82 and lives across the road, and I take care of her as well as my own family. (My 17-year-old daughter is still at home with my husband and me. We have three other kids, one is away at college and two are out on their own.) I'm not sure how long this arrangement is going to work, because mom is elderly and her health is not good. For now what we have been doing is working, so we will stick with it until we need to do something else. She doesn't drive any longer, so I take her everywhere she needs to go, and we do grocery shopping together. We live in a rural area, and her numerous doctor appointments are at least a 25-mile drive one way. I don't have any living siblings (my older sister passed away some years ago) so am pretty much on my own as far as having help. I don't get a lot of time to myself for anything, but I just do what I have to do.
There are many of us here who are caretakers for aging parents as well, and I think I can say I speak for a lot of us when I tell you, don't hesitate if you need suggestions, or if you just want to vent or talk. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do.
I'm so sorry. hugs. - Been there.
[ In Reply To ..]Dear sweetie,
It sounds like you might have a narcissistic mother. Google it and see if it fits. It sounds like my mother, and honey, I've been there. One way to help yourself is not to fight back when she says something cruel, like the poster below said, don't engage her. Simply change the subject, like, if she were to say, "I can't believe you wore those pants the other day." Your answer? Just a pause, and then, follow with a neutral question or comment on another subject that is unrelated. Have limited contact and don't let her suck you in when she's "fishing" to start trouble. I also found books on the subject online that I ordered, such as, "How to take care of your Parents when they didn't take care of you", would be very helpful as your mother ages. There's also a support group online for daughters of narcissistic mothers.
My mother has been gone for almost a year now. I know it may sound wrong to say this, to some people reading this, but I am finally free.
XX
Wow, you understand! - MT
[ In Reply To ..]Wow, you understand! I thought I was the only one who felt that way after my mother passed. She died almost 3 years ago and I am slowly, slowly recovering from her years of criticism, learning to love myself. I used to go to those support groups online when she was alive, but since she passed, its hard to relive all that pain. I can literally feel the pain of the OP, I remember what it was like to feel trapped, so stressed out, no where to turn. Your advice to research daughters of narcissistic mothers is great. That's what I did, was the answer I was searching for my whole life, put things into perspective. Good luck and thanks for sharing.
Father was like this too - I do understand
[ In Reply To ..]I also understand about caretaking and abusive parents. In this case it was my father. All my life he criticized me unmercifully, and even told me that my children were not his grandchildren, mainly because he treated me so poorly. I never talked back to my father, and treated him with respect, but when I was an adult and had children of my own things changed, because he got worse. For a short time we lived with my parents after we moved in order to move into a home of our own. My father often came home from work angry, and while we at the dinner table he became violent. My children at that time were only 2 and 3. He started in on me and would not let up, and said something so horrible I could not take it and responded to him. When I did that he plunged across the dinner table and had a drink in his hand. He could not reach me and crashed the glass on the table and glass flew everywhere. He was lunging for me. My husband at the time tried to stop him, but did not do anything else, like telling him not to ever try that again, nothing. I left the room in tears. Another time, I was holding my oldest son, who was an infant at the time, and he took the back of his hand across my face. At that time I was 25. These are just 2 incidents of what I grew up with. The hatred grew over the years, and it was horrible. He would embarrass me in front of friends and people who had known me all my life. When he was in his 80s he had end-stage renal disease and they told him that he had a choice, he could come off of dialysis and live for 1 week, or be on dialysis and live for 3 months. He chose to come off the dialysis. I could not go home at that time due to having no money, and no one to help me. I had 2 brothers, who chose to go home to be with him, but he was especially mean to my sister-in-law, and my oldest brother thought it was best that I was not subjected to his rath again. He did request me to be there with him however. I still have times when I cry and I am definitely a survivor of this type of cruelty and he definitely abused me growing up. How do you ever get over this type of thing? It has left scars that don't seem to be healing. I did, however, take care of my mother and grandmother when they were in the final stages of life because I loved them so much. I know I was a good daughter, but I know that the way I thought about men was definitely hurt by my relationship with my father. I really do have sympathy for anyone who has difficulty with a parent, whether it be this kind of abuse, or in taking care of a parent that has been difficult.
Hard to get over - MT
[ In Reply To ..]I think its something you can only understand when you have been through it. My mom passed 2-1/2 years ago and her birthday is coming up and I still cry. I know I was the best daughter I could be (only child and I stayed with her until she died). It hurts to realize that she never really knew me or wanted to know me as a person. She was so scared to be alone, she manipulated me to keep me close, criticism to beat me down, guilt trips, you name it. I struggle with the idea of forgiveness. On the blog Narcissists Suck, Anna makes a good case that there can be no forgiveness, as the narcissist will never acknowledge the pain they cause. So I think there is just acceptance and I think that comes with time. For the 1st 6 mos or so, I was in denial, after that, the hurt came, but now not so much. When I am haunted by her memories, I remind myself its only been a few years and I find reading Gina Lake's books on meditation very helpful, letting go of the past and living in the moment.
I don't know if we can ever get over what was done to us, but we can try to be happy now. You have kids, hug them, laugh with them, love them. I myself knew from an early age I would never have kids, I would not allow my mother to hurt them the way she hurt me. I saw how it ran in our family, ie aunts, uncles, cousins, all narcissists, stemming from my maternal grandfather. The only advice I can give is to live in the moment, cut yourself some slack and do something nice for yourself. We have lived with so much pain, time to let go and live your life.
controlling mother - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Thank you all for your wonderful support. The narciccistic (Sp?) bit is exactly what it is. I also have read lots of books and it is like they knew her personally. Her mother was that way too! I refuse to be. I try very hard to be everything to my kids that my mother was not. I can't always buy them self, as I am a single parent, but they know I love them and I tell them everyday. When I make a mistake or hurt my hcild's feelings in some way, I own up to it and apologize. With her it is amazing how different she is in public and how horrific she is away from others. I always wished I had a soft place to land wiht her so to spreak. I envy people who have good relationships with their mothers. My dad was my comfort zone and he passed away almost 25 years ago. I can still her him telling her to leave me alone. My best friend said it best - when she is gone I don't think you'll miss her as much as being relieved. I remember for birthdays and Christmas all I ever prayed for that I wanted was for her just to be nice to me that day. My latest ex was so like my mom even my friends felt they needed to point this out to me. They were very, very right. I am glad that is over now. My sister is of no help. She like my mother claim nothing ever happened like this to me. Of course my suster thinks that, she was the baby and very sheltered from mom's wrath, which I think made it even harder for me because I had to take the brunt of all of it. Now at 43, one kid in college, on the Dean's list and doing great, and one kid almost 11 and unbelievable extrovert, I am left with a lot of questions. Both of my kids know that once they are thru college, I am probably going to move away. There isn't anything to tie me to here after they are grown. I can't take care of mom anymore, and she makes HUGE point of telling me that I don't. NEvermind the 17 yrs that I did take care of everything after dad died. My sister was busy with her 7-year college education, it took her 7 years and she still graduated with a 2.0 and can't do anything with her degree because no master's program will take her. I was very mean to my sister growing up. I mean very mean. I would beat her up, etc (did protect her from others though, aggressively). I wish there was a way to explain to her that I blamed her because as a kid there was no way I could blame mom for the special treatment my sister received. It had to be my sister, mom could possibly treat me like that, she could be the one at fault, the one who didn't like me. It has caused a major riff between my sister and I for years. I do avoid calls, seeing her or much else for that matter. Mom will grill the kids if she can't get an answer out of me, it's like watching them go thru a bad divorce. Thing is now that I have cut her out of a large part of my life, I don't know what to do now. I've always been her emotional punching bag. Trust is a huge issue for me and I don't think I want a relationship with a man right now. I guess what I am asking after all of the wonderful support have received here, now what? How do I get on wiht my life and have a good life? Do you ever get past the abuse ringing in your ears? For the first time, I can choose my life and I don't know what to do. I feel frozen, excited but terrified.
Good for you! - MT
[ In Reply To ..]Good for you! Feel excited, life is calling. It is terrifying, but freeing too. I posted just above about living in the moment.
We have some similarities in that my dad died 25 years before my mom. I remember my mom fell apart and I had to be the strong one, picking her up, supporting her. I was NEVER allowed to mourn my dad. It was all about mom, her being the center of attention. I didn't have any sibs, but it sounds like your sister was the golden child and you were the scapegoat. My cousins are in that situation with my aunt.
As an only child, I was both golden child and the scapegoat. Like you said, an emotional punching bag. Can you go "no contact" with her? Can your sister assume some responsibility instead of throwing it all on you? I struggled with no contact for a couple of months when my mom was in the nursing home. I couldn't bring myself to do it. At the time, I felt like I had to choose between my own sanity and my obligation to her. There was no one else and I couldn't leave her to die alone. But that was my decision. I have great respect for other daughters who can go no contact. I felt I wasn't strong enough to let go, wished, wanted to, but she kept pulling me back. I just read your post above, you rent from her? Sounds like what I went through. I was having trouble paying the bills so I asked my mom to move in with me to help me with the rent. You have my prayers, I know how stressful that can be to have to depend on her and she soaks it for all its worth, I know. The manipulations, guilt trips, phone calls, I know. Try to have some time to yourself, go for a walk, just time alone. Do the best you can.
One of the posters above suggested to not engage her. That's a good thing to do, when she makes a caustic remark, change the subject and make an excuse to leave the room. It was like she fed on my emotions, so I had to appear emotionless when I was in her presence, like a flat affect. It was the only way to save my sanity.
There is some good information in the blog called Narcissists Suck about going no contact. Anna helped me so much to find myself and separate myself out from my mom, to find my own identity, my own voice, after 45 years of being silenced. I think it just takes time. My mom died 2-1/2 years ago and I am still trying to find my voice, but its getting easier, baby steps. Like I told the poster above, I try to live more in the moment and enjoy what is right in front of me, play with my cats, enjoy the sunset, watch a good movie. You have kids, hug them, laugh with them, love them. Don't let your narc parent steal any more time from you. She's already taken 40+ years, from here on out, it's your turn to live.
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Hubby and I went out for Valentine's dinner last night. We've been married 26 years. He's 59. Now, we've lived in this community for almost 20 years. He knows these streets up and down and sideways, but on our way to the restaurant he turned the car into an oncoming ramp with a car coming right at us. I tried not to freak, but was not completely calm when I said, "We can't go that way!" He stopped short of committing to the ramp and ma ...
Did President Obama Know About The VA Problems?May 19, 2014
It's being reported that the president knew about the problems at the VA since 2008, and so he should since he is Commander in Chief. So, if he knew about those problems and all these other scandals brewing, just what has he accomplished during his presidency other than the colossal failure known as Obamacare? Of all the scandals, the one involving Veterans is right up there with Benghazi. The very people who have volunteered to protect America, including the President, and this is the than ...
Problems With Voting Machines, Now In MD.Oct 27, 2014
It's apparently the same problem as last week in Illinois, changing republican votes to democrat votes. Draw your own conclusions. ...
Does Anyone Know The Difference Between Heart ProblemsApr 11, 2015
First I do have an appointment with my doctor at the end of May. That is the soonest they could get me in. Going back for a followup from my last visit where I was diagnosed with diabetes. Just found out that 3 months ago my hemoglobin A1c was 14.5 and my glucose levels are always high (between 250s -350s, occasionally over 400). Took it night before last before dinner and it was 215. Woohoo! But that was short lived, so now trying to recreate what I did that ...
71% Of Doctors Believe Hillary's Medical Problems AreSep 08, 2016
I hope she strokes out just ahead of election day. ...