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Can I vent here?

Posted: Jan 4, 2010

I sure hope I can!

Today has been a bad one. Getting dinged on reports for things I shouldn't. I have sent more than 5 emails to various QA people about things they are changing on my reports that shouldn't be changed. But that's not my major gripe.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now, and have recently moved in together. He is going through a nasty situation with his ex regarding custody of the children, etc. It has been going on for over a year, and I've been with him every step of the way through the thick of it.

Several times in the past year she has told him that she wants to mediate and settle things out of court. He has always been open to this and wants to finally be done with all of it and move on with his life. So, I don't know, 3 times now, they have mediated. They agree on terms and all is fine and dandy, and then right at the last minute, when it comes time to sign on the dotted line, she backs out and begins making his life, and mine, he** once again.

He did not get to see his children for Christmas. Didn't even get to speak to them on the phone. All because she had a wild hair up her azz and wanted to be a, well, you know.

Now, if he was a deadbeat and didn't care for his kids, I could understand. But that isn't the case. He's the most upstanding, kind, loving, caring man I have ever met, and he loves his kids more than anything.

Anyhow, she now says she wants to settle out of court AGAIN. He wants to try it AGAIN. I am so skeptical after the failed attempts in the past. I am struggling with being supportive of his attempt...and just screaming. Something is fishy. She said it had to be done this week or all deals are off. What is that about?

Anyway, there is a LOT of history here that I obviously can't divulge on the internet. There is so much that your heads would spin. After getting the text from my boyfriend about her wanting to mediate today and having QA on my back, I had to log off early and take the rest of the day for mental health purposes.

For the past year I have been able to deal with her and all her crap. Now, suddenly, I am so tired of it all.

Thanks for letting me vent. Any advice is appreciated, although I know it's hard to give when you don't know the whole story.

;

Rather than mediation going on, sounds to me - L

[ In Reply To ..]
like you said, something fishy. Settle out of court on what? If she is like you are saying, there should be nothing settled out of court. It his word versus her word and that winds up being nothing much. Deals being off, sounds like or else I will tell so and so. This is coming from a very older female and I have heard, seen and been around the block more than once. You trust your instinct, whatever way that is leaning because you will find out it is true.

She is that way. - So very tired

[ In Reply To ..]
When he comes home from work, we are going to have a long talk about this.

I'm not sure what her ultimatum is all about, because when it comes down to it, we could bury her with all of the wrongs she has done over the past year (to the children).

This is a pattern with her. When she feels backed into a corner, she becomes sweet and nice and wants to work things out outside the courtroom.

Then she changes her tune and becomes psycho again. He always has faith that it will work, and he always gets punched in the stomach in the end.

It's time to put a stop to it, but convincing him is difficult. He is so very "unskilled" with all of this. I have been through a nasty divorce/custody battle, so I know the ropes. I tell him what I think, but ultimately it is his decision.

I'm just fed up with all of it. I love him so very, very much and will stay with him because he is the best man I have ever known. I just have to get through to him once and for all....somehow. I don't want to go down the "mediation" road again because it never works!

Baby Mama Drama... - Stepmom

[ In Reply To ..]
My husband's ex is the exact same way. I have been with him for over 7 years and she still gets crazy sometimes. In the beginning, she was PSYCHO! They were never married and haven't went to court for custody/support, just work it out between them but she threatens to go to court all of the time. I wish she would so that we wouldn't have to deal the drama. My husband is the best father and tries to keep the peace. We even give her extra money all the time, like when she needs to pay her rent or she moved and needs deposit money. When I got pregnant, she immediately said she was going to court but as soon as I miscarried she never said another word about it.

Basically, I just wanted to let you know from my experience...the craziness will NEVER go away, but hopefully it will get better over time (as it has in my situation).

Why does it have to be the woman who goes to court - the husband or significant other

[ In Reply To ..]
could do just as well as the woman can. If I wanted to see my children, wanted a certain amount of money going towards that child's support, i would step up myself and do that. Why keep paying this and that and having threats going on? Does this make sense to anyone? You should never just work out between the 2, if psycho goes psycho again, then she could say no money given, need receipts in that case.

baby mama drama never goes away!!! - Amanda

[ In Reply To ..]
I've been dealing with the BS now for 7 years and it never get better...G

Sorry, but I am going to give it to you bluntly...sm - me

[ In Reply To ..]
That's what I think:

Both do not want a divorce, if they wanted they would have already "meditated" something to a conclusion.

Be careful that all these "meditations" do not end up in reconciliation.

BTW, if children are involved, the case has to go to court, because of the custody of the children and the child support. Child support is only legal if it is determined and put down by a court, in written.

Why does she not want to go to court? Because she does not want it to be final. Like the other poster said, why does he not file for divorce?

You better have a good talk with him, tonight, and insist that he gives you an honest and clear answer, if he can!

My thoughts exactly!! NM - L

[ In Reply To ..]
g

That's what I found out in my life............sm - me

[ In Reply To ..]
Love makes you blind and you can only think clearly and focus if your heart belongs to you.

Yes, you're not married to him yet. Run away. nm - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
xx

Well, like I said, there are - So very tired

[ In Reply To ..]
a lot of details that I will not divulge on the internet. He does want a divorce, but he can't file himself. It's a complicated situation and he lost his lawyer because of inability to pay. She has sucked him dry of money, destroyed his business that he had for 15 years, and he lost his house.

He would LOVE to file for divorce and get it over with....he can't afford it right now.

As far as court goes, they have been in and out of court a million times over the last year. Child support is already determined. So is custody and visitation. She drags him into court anytime she isn't happy and wants more money. There have been lies upon lies told.....

Anyway, I could probably write a book. It's like one of those made for TV movies it's so crazy. Most people that I talk to can't even believe half of the things that she has gotten away with.

We did talk, and things are ok. And don't make this about him wanting to reconcile. He won't even be speaking to her this time...his father will be doing all the talking. They will not be meeting face to face. She is not even allowed to pull into my driveway because of past behavior. Because of her pattern of agreeing on things and then backing out, this is all going to be done completely different, and this is the last time she's pulling this crap. It's now or never. I laid the law down last night and made several things very clear to him, and he understands where I'm coming from.

The ultimatum is her just blowing smoke. This is how she operates...we know this and have been here before. Once again, it's just a matter of weeding through the psycho and finally getting her to sign a document and it be filed to make it legal. That's when she always backs out.

We'll see.

From what I am reading you are accepting of the - L

[ In Reply To ..]
way it seems to be going and has gone over the years you have known him. What I would suggest, therefore, is just to go with the flow. Things will not change as long as he does not stand up for his rights. No money for a divorce? I have seen them in the paper before for under $500.00. What about the divorce papers on line. Can those not be printed out. If not mistaken, I think my daughter and her ex did exactly that and the divorce was not that much. I think Legal Eze- that might not be correct spelling. If the ex is bleeding him dry now and in the past for money, why in the world not have something legal. From your story, money seems to be going out in fist fulls anyway. I would put an ending to that money flow. By the way, coming up I was told can't never could do anything, saying from my mother. You said he "can't." I say where there is a will there is a way. The answer is always NO until you ask.

I am not accepting - So very tired

[ In Reply To ..]
and I have made myself very clear with him about this.

When he was with her, she controlled every aspect of his life. She wouldn't even let him look at a freaking Victoria's Secret commercial on TV! She was extremely obsessive and controlling, and very very jealous. He was kept in a box.

But the kicker was that SHE was the one who was having affair after affair after affair.

He was treated that way for so long that it's difficult for him to stand up to her. Over the past year, he has been doing better and better, with my help and the help of his family and his pastor. He has started standing up to her more and more.

It's not an easy pattern to break when you lived it for 14 years. He's working on it and has come leaps and bounds from when I first met him.

As far as the money for the divorce, there isn't any right now. He had to close down his business and because of the economy, he has not found another job yet, and that's not for lack of trying. His family is helping out as much as they can, but my income is all we have right now for the most part, and let's face it, I'm an MT, so once the rent is paid, food is bought, and gas is put in the car, there isn't much left. And then there's the child support that also has to be paid so he doesn't end up going to jail.

When he starts working again, the divorce will be the first thing to get done. It's a mess, that's for sure, but we have stuck by each other through some very hard times in dealing with her. One of these days, I truly believe it will get better. Yesterday was not a good day. Hopefully today will be better.

Child support comes out of your earnings?...sm - duh?

[ In Reply To ..]
Are you sure he is not "playing" you?

If his financial situation has deteriorated, he MUST go to the family court and ask for a re-adjustment of the child support payments.

In no way should you pay for the child support of his children, you are not even married to him, and also then not. But I understand, you do this all voluntarily.

As long as he is not divorced, separated is not enough, he cannot even marry you, this would be polygamy.

What are you thinking? You are a "Dr. Phil case."

Good Grief - Why Do Women Do This? - For Love?

[ In Reply To ..]
This is not love. This is no obligation. I do not know what it is. One relationship has to end before another can be successful. Do you really need all this drama in your life to feel loved?

Even if you continue to live with this guy, you need to remove yourself from this situation.

How many children are there? And, sorry for asking,...sm - me

[ In Reply To ..]
did he tell you that he is married when he met you?

If you knew that he is married, or separated for that matter, how could you get involved and even move in with him?

I would also be mad, like his wife, with how many children?

There are 5 children. - So very tired

[ In Reply To ..]
She has no reason to be mad. When people get separated, they are allowed to live their lives as if they are no longer married. Their marriage ended long before anyone actually left when she cheated, abandoned her children, and disappeared clear across the country with her new boyfriend for 6 months, not even telling anyone where she was.

Yes, I knew he was separated. She was nowhere to be found when I met him. She lives her own life as far as men go. People that separate do so and then move on with their lives. It's not like he was cheating on her with me. They were long apart before I met him. I have been married myself. I know what separation means, and at least in this state, separated means the marriage is over and you are free to move on with your life.

Anyway, the children are well provided for by him. As a matter of fact, she stands a good chance of losing custody of them if we do go back to court.

There is a great deal of history here. The only reason she might be mad is because she's not getting the huge amount of money she wants and the court actually reduced the child support because the amount literally made him lose his home and his business because he could no longer pay his mortgage and operating costs. But that's a completely different facet to all of this.

She's not mad about me. She has thanked me more than once for taking care of her children when she up and left them. She actually likes me, but I can't stand her. I'm cordial to her for the children's sake, but that's as far as it goes.

He treated her like gold when they were married and she crapped all over him more than once.

Word to the wise....if you ever go through something like this, make sure you have an outstanding lawyer. His was a joke, and that's why he is in the situation he's in now. Now he can't even afford a lawyer, so going to court is the last thing he wants to do right now. He represented himself at 1 hearing and it was awful. But then again, the judge....

Ugh. I'm telling you, I should write a book.

No, you are wrong: Being separated does not mean..sm - me

[ In Reply To ..]
that a marriage has legally ended. Maybe it ended "emotionally" for him, although it does not seem so.

Why do you blame everything on his wife and picture your boyfriend as "saint?"

You are the "other" woman, he is still married, get out of their marriage and stop pity yourself. You should have never started a relationship with him, knowing that he is married with 5 (FIVE) children.

No wonder that judges side with his wife. I think your boyfriend had a fair and good lawyer.

That's your opinion - So very tired

[ In Reply To ..]
and you are entitled to it.

If you knew the full story, I'm sure you would see things in a different way.

I doubt: Bottomline is they're are still married...sm - me

[ In Reply To ..]
He should not have started a new relationship with you (are you the first?) and you should not have started a relationship with a married man.

This is the bottom line, everything else are just excuses and manipulation.

Sorry, but you are blinded, you know this man only1 year and it is all about THEM. What do you get now out of it and what will it bring for you in the future?

To So Very Tired - What you should do

[ In Reply To ..]
What you should do is nothing. You should stay out of this. These are not your children and not your problem. THEY will have to resolve all of this before you can really move on in your relationship. It sounds like the wounds are still fresh and this is just getting started.

My hubby had been divorced for 13 years but when we married his ex did not like it at all. She tried to get a rise out of me a couple of times, but when she would call with a nasty question or comment I would say, "hold on," and put him on the phone. She tried again and I said, "This is something you should be discussing with their father, not me." After this went on a few times she got the message and stopped. All discipline problems were turned over to him. I refused to get involved unless it affected me or my kids. That way I could not be blamed for anything by any of them.

My hubby paid everything for his children, child support, cars, insurance, college, and weddings. It was none of my business. I gave my opinion to him once in a while in private, but I did not make any demands and I did not get involved. He and his ex settled out of court with written agreements. Whenever she threatened to take him to court if he did not sign a new agreement, his standard answer was "go ahead." It never happened.

It takes two to argue and as long as more than one person continues these discussions, the longer it will go on. As soon as this woman sees that she can not get a rise out of you two, the sooner this mess will stop. Try to make it happen sooner. Do not let something ruin your life that you have no control over.

They are still married, being separated is not divorced - Answers

[ In Reply To ..]
You need to let him go to jail. Maybe then you can get yourself out of a hole and refurbish your money supply. Why do you pay for his children? If his family helps him out with this and that, let them help him out with a divorce. It sounds like he is using you, and you are being the sucker for letting him. Wake up. Let the law take him. I would be willing to say if he spent a few days, weeks, etc sitting in jail he would be able to get back on his feet and make some kind of money. Again, you have no claim on him, the wife does.

Let's see - So very tired

[ In Reply To ..]
since none of you know the full story here, your judgments are unfounded.

First of all, it is drawn up in the separation papers (a LEGAL document) that both parties are to carry on with their lives as if they are no longer married.

Secondly, he DID go to jail already. Spent a considerable amount of time there.

Thirdly, I am NOT paying for his children. I never said I was. I said that after the bills are paid, we don't have much money left, and there is child support on top of that. I don't pay for his children, he does side work when he can and his family helps him out with that.

I have now been called the "other" woman (oh, by the way, the judge ruled that it was ok for us to move in together and they were already long separated before I came along), I have been called a polygamist (we aren't married and don't pretend to be or want to be right now, so that blows that one out of the water), and have also been called a "Dr. Phil case."

I'm glad that all of you live such happy lives. My life, believe it or not, is VERY happy. I am with a man who loves me and treats me like I am a queen. I have an open and honest relationship where nothing is hidden. I have a wonderful child of my own and also am very close to 5 children who are very near and dear to my heart. He's using me? That is probably the funniest thing I've heard yet.

Stay out of it, you say? I absolutely do. I do not make the decisions regarding dicipline or his dealings with her, I simply offer my opinion on situations when it is asked for. Helping him learn to stand up to her is part of all of that.

When you have read the 87 page journal and have listened to the court transcripts and have read the 450 pages of court documents and have seen the situation first-hand, maybe then you can call names and make assumptions about me. Nothing about this is cut and dry. And don't get me started about his former attorney. Mountains of evidence against her that he NEVER presented in court, so to the person that said he had a good and fair lawyer, ha! His lawyer was a joke and did NOTHING to help him, even when she kidnapped the children and left the state and was gone for over a month. He had no idea where his children were and didn't even know if they were alive, and his lawyer did NOTHING about it. It wasn't until they went to court again that the judge told her she had to bring the children back.

I was just venting because I had a bad day. Ever have one of those and need to get something off your chest? Feel free to carry on with your happy, drama-free, perfect lives. Apparently no one is supposed to move on with their lives regardless.

I'm outta here. So sorry I even bothered. Carry on.

I have never heard a judge rule on it is alright to - live together before marriage.

[ In Reply To ..]
Judges go by the LAW. If I went before a judge like that I would have to see credentials. A judge does not rule by his heart. He has laws and so I am very, very doubtful this person said OK to live with someone. I do not care about a legal separation, the man is still married. That is the bottom line. No wonder his wife is ticked. I would be also. He works "when he can." Sounds like a good relationship to me.

Hun, you came on here asking for advice - Did you really want it

[ In Reply To ..]
Personally, I don't believe a judge would say it was great that you live together. I don't know what state you live in, but where I come from it is illegal if minor children are involved (not to mention he is not divorced yet). My ex tried that and his overnight visitation was suspended until his living situation changed.

So very tired - You are just too close to this situation. Honestly, take a step back and look at it as a third party would. Is this crazy or what?

She does not want advice - D-I-V-O-R-C-E

[ In Reply To ..]
She wants people to agree with her: Her married boyfriend is a prince, his (still legally wed to him) wife is a monster, and she is the understanding, patient girlfriend (aka the other woman). Validate that she is totally right and justified! It is everyone else's fault!

Poor poor so very tired you.

Bleh. Grow up or wake up.

In all honesty, I do not believe anyone here - Ummm

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't believe anyone here was being pretentious or acting like their lives were perfect and drama-free. I suspect your post to vent reflects a lot more unhappiness than you're willing to admit at this time. It sure sounds like a frustrating situation, but these women offering advice were only being honest. It's much easier to be objective when one is on the outside looking in, and these woman (some of whom are seniors), have BTDT and see the writing on the wall.

No one was pretending to be perfect or to have drama-free lives. Although some sounded a bit harsh, I honestly believe they are speaking from experience.

Peace out and good luck to you.

In all honesty - I agree because - No Brainer

[ In Reply To ..]
You are stressed out to the point that you cannot work???!!! You have only been with this man 1 year???!!! None of these problems really have anything to do with you. He "works sometimes???" His family has to help him make ends meet?? He has spent quite a bit of time in jail over this??? You are totally broke over this???? Not to even mention, he is legally married to this psycho who he cannot afford to divorce with FIVE children who are going to be psycho over all of this well!!!!

And you need advice????

read your 1st post and this one, they are full of..sm - somebody

[ In Reply To ..]
contradictions.

In your 1st post you said that you are so confused and tired that you cannot even think straight, and that you had to cut your MTing shift short because of emotional exhaustion.

Then you said that she left the children in your care, now she kidnapped her.

You were called the "other" woman, what you are, you were not called a polygamist, it was said that he cannot marry you because he is ONLY separated, not yet divorced, and if he marries you, what is your aim, for sure, he would be a polygamist.

I have NEVER heard that "separation papers" are drawn up. Legal ones? By whom? Probably by you. Does not exist.
Your boyfriend is committing adultery with you. Open your eyes.

Why did you come here and told us your misery? This was it acc to your 1st post. Now you attack us and say that you are sooo "happy" and your boyfriend treats you ike a queen, and that you are even happier than we are. What do you want? Approval, encouragement? I have more empathy with his wife.
At least have the decency to stick to the truth.

No empathy from me, you are in for a big surprise. Even if he marries you I cannot imagine that this will be bliss.

What is Dr.Phil saying?
"If he does it with you, he does it also to you."

You did not answer the question: "Are you his 1st girlfriend and are you sure the only one?"

There is such a thing as a "legal separation" - signed by a judge

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't know the details of such an arrangement, but I do know that a legal separation is an actual thing and it goes through the courts and a judge.

(The separated couple is still legally married, however)

so tired... - you might like this -

[ In Reply To ..]
There's a nice website called second wives cafe where you can find lots of support and advice from women in similar cicumstances.

Sorry you're having a difficult time. Good luck to you!

Question: Are you his 1st girlfriend or were there others before you?...nm - girlfriend

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

If his wife is that bad, how come that she has all the children?..s - prison?

[ In Reply To ..]
Why was he in prison?

This is what happens when you hang out such dirty laundry!! - Fingers - would not even touch this!

[ In Reply To ..]
x

Think long and hard about THIS... - BTDT

[ In Reply To ..]
You're already obviously entangled with this separated man on a deep emotional basis and I make NO judgments about your situation in that regard; however, here is something you must think about and decide if you really, REALLY want a future with him.

This woman is the mother of FIVE (5!) of his children. She is not going away anytime soon, trust me on this. She is going to be there for every single event in their lives; Christmas, New Year, Easter, Valentine's Day, birthdays, Labor Day, summer vacation, etc. She's already apparently shown her true colors, so to speak, and if she's gone to this extreme to create havoc in your lives, she WILL. NOT. STOP.

If you are this exasperated at this point, do not lose sight of the fact that this is FOREVER. As long as you are involved with this man, you are involved with his children AND that invites this woman into your life. Your hands will be pretty much tied about doing or saying anything derrogatory because she is the mother of their children and, in the end, if push comes to shove, this man will side with the children's mother on major decisions, if for no other reason than to shut her up and keep the peace, such as it is.

I have no idea how old you are; if you're 30 or under, I'd strongly suggest taking a break from this man and his deplorable personal situation so you can breathe and explore what else is out there. Children are FOREVER and, not to be cruel, but he apparently thought enough of her to impregnate her FIVE TIMES. He helped to create those children, and it is his responsibility for the rest of their lives to stand by them.

Do you REALLY want to get any deeper for the long haul? Neither has even filed for a freaking divorce yet (and don't kid yourself, either could have IF they really wanted to; they both sound a bit borderline to me in this regard), can you imagine what the future holds for you?

My only advice is to think LONG and HARD before you get into deeper water that is over your head.

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a dryer outside and not sure what to do as I have been going to the laundramat. What a pain this is. There is just no way to vent outside. This is electric we have. ...

Feb 27, 2014
I recently talked to a young man who got married in December 2012. They keep mentioning they never got to be newlyweds. I am sorry but i dont understand - they got a 1 week honeymoon, came home to their own apartment, then 3 months ago decided to move back in with his parents to "save money, pay off bills, and get a fresh start" Ummm you only been married 9 months - and one of you came into the relationship with bad credit - these are young people 25 and 26. Now living wi ...

Dec 23, 2010
Every year at Christmas my hubby is able to take two weeks off, which is wonderful for him but is beginning to stink for me. By the time his vacation is over I will be extremely resentful towards him and I hate that. In years past he has always done everything he can to help me out while I am working, cleaning the house, wrapping presents, picking up little odd and end gifts, etc. However, this year all he has done is lay on the couch and sleep after sleeping until 11:00 every ...

Mar 09, 2010
Just a vent, frustrated at one my younger daugher's troop leaders. They have a goal of 170 boxes per girl to sell. Generally if she gets 30 boxes on her own we are lucky I drive them to all the neighbors (14), and hit up grandparents (have agreement with siblings not to bug them with this sort of stuff), and we sell about 60 boxes that way. But.I have two daughers in two different troops. So I take them out soliciting here and they split the sales.&nb ...

Jul 29, 2010
I bow to no political party. I just wanted to get that out up front before people start bashing me for what I'm about to say here. I live in Indiana and I'm annoyed that Dan Coats is running for senate. This man is a lawyer, politician, and lobbyist. That right there makes me not trust him. Dan Coats worked as a lobbyist and the firm he worked for was hired to advocate for a cap-and-trade proposal. Now that Dan Coats is running for senate in Indiana ...

Jun 14, 2010
Thank heavens, no children in their 11 years, but his ex won't leave him alone. She's constantly calling him wanting money or furniture, or just to hassle him. She had taken everything out of the home they once lived in and he only wound up with a kitchen table and chairs. That's it. Now she wants that back. He's going to do it hoping she will get off his back. BTW, she used to hit him when they would fight. He came over one day with red marks all over his ch ...