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Don't know if I'm asking for opinions or just ranting -

Posted: Sep 4, 2014

I've been married to B for almost 29 years, and it's been going south for about ten of them. He quit work to start his own business ten years ago and since I am one of the lucky MTs that still has a well-paying job, we agreed that I would carry the family while his business was getting off the ground, three to five years, he guessed.

Well, it's been ten years now, and his yearly profit is only about $10,000, which is his contribution. Meantime, I'm typing with arthritic fingers at least 1500 lines a day. I finally got up the courage to tell him I want out in June, with all kinds of cheers and accolades from family (even my step-daughter, who sees her father for what he is - lazy). We decided to sell the house, split the proceeds, of which there will be plenty even if it's not up to snuff, and move on. He only asked me to let him handle the money until that happens. Oh, did I not mention? He has been "taking care of" the family finances ever since we married, and has run us into huge debt, ruined both his credit rating and mine. He has our finances in such a shambles the thought of sorting it out is daunting.

He refuses to leave the house, and I can't force him out because he's not physically abusive. At first we agreed that we would fix the house up in order to get more profit from the house. It's not horrible, but it needs carpeting and painting. Trouble is, all the money I make goes to just sustaining our weekly budget and he won't even entertain the idea of getting a part-time job. He contends that his contribution is as big as mine. If we wait until we come up with the money to fix it up, we'll be here another two years.

Yes, I know what I have to do. I have to grow a backbone. But over the 30 years we've been together my spine has turned to jelly. I know I HAVE to call the realtor and tell her we're going to sell "as is." I already opened a checking account of my own in another bank, and it would seem so easy to just put my paycheck into that account instead of the family account, but I just can't seem to do it. Is that lame, or what?

It seems like it should be so easy just to DO IT! I don't know what I'm afraid of. He's never been physically violent. So what's the worst that could happen? The silent treatment? Sulking? He'll move out? That's exactly what I'm wanting anyway. So WHY AM I SO SCARED?

I think about this all the time. It's behind and underneath everything I think and do. It's interfering with my work and my sleep. I tell myself that it would be an immense relief just to Do It and have it over with. My most recent paycheck is sitting in my purse and I could just take it and go over to my bank and deposit it. The power company is calling three times a day, the mortage company is threatening foreclosure.

I know I'm going to get slammed by some of you for being such a weenie. Like I said, I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just wanting to vent. I don't think I'll get any magical key that will make it all better. I just wanted to hear what you have to say. But please be at least a little kind!

;

not alone - pal

[ In Reply To ..]
I had a similar problem years ago. I put my income in separate account & it kept us out of foreclosure since the bills could be paid on time after that. Mine also had his own business & it failed, "my" fault for not helping while I was working in an office full time. We're still together, the accounts are now joined again, but I have control of it. He got another job & things have improved, but it'll never be what it was. You're not alone. Do what you need to do.... for starters, separate the income. You keep bills paid if you need to do that & let him deal with success or failure of his business based on what it makes.

Prior marriage ended in his death, remarried for - over 14 years now

[ In Reply To ..]
I had everything in my name in the previous marriage, the cars, the house, I controlled the finances and good reason. There was no trust there and I wanted control and had it. This time around finances are totally separate. He has his (although we are on each other's accounts in case of emergency) and I have my accounts. The bills are divided up, I pay household, he pays cars and home and then split the bigger bills in half. We buy at Costco, he pays half and me also. It works like a charm. I can breathe now and be at ease. I tell people always, life is terribly short and don't waste time and your life on things that are not working. You seem to have gotten in a rut, we all have but grow some backbone and do what you have to do.

Marriage - got out

[ In Reply To ..]
Your marriage sounds almost just like mine. My husband ran us up in debt, ruined our credit. He tried to start his own business too being a landlord and that went down hill and most of the apartments went into foreclosure. I inherited some money when my dad died and pretty much went through that trying to keep us afloat. Finally, after years of my friends and family telling me to get out, I finally did last Dec. The only thing is he didnt follow the divorce decree and stayed in the house rather than keeping it up for sale. He spent the money he owed me from the house on a car for him. I went back to my lawyer and he said to take him back to court to make him put the house up for sale. I havent yet. I bought byself my own condo and my daughter lives with me and let me tell you, it is soooo nice not to have to worry about what HE is going to do, when HE is going to start making money, if he is going to get fired again (this is another story) from his 40th job. Just do it. I finally did and it feels great. We are cordial to each other, no hard feelings right now. But if I take him back to court there probablly will be. I just say DO IT. Line up somewhere to live, call movers or friends and just do it. Go talk to a lawyer and get it started. Once it gets started then it just all falls into place.

For Had It. Thirty years is a long time. No wonder you are scared - see message

[ In Reply To ..]
When you live with a person for 30 years, good marriage or not, it becomes part of who you are and your way of life. To abandon that is scary. Even though you know you are right, and what the right thing to do is, it is only natural for you to be scared, which in turn makes you feel weak and have doubts.

Just a suggestion, but please consider going to a counselor or therapist. Voice what must be a sad decision for you. Certainly you envisioned things differently. Certainly you are not where you thought you would be at this point in your life. Work through your fears. Use a counselor to help you gain the confidence that you need. It is hard to only look forward, and not back, after 30 years. If you are going to do this, you need to do it with a sense of power and confidence, and have no regrets and no doubts.

Take a deep breath and a leap of faith - Nori

[ In Reply To ..]
The reason you may be reluctant to deposit your paycheck in your own separate account is that up until now it has all been talk. When you deposit that money, it is an actual action. You are going your own way. I would be concerned that your husband wants to handle the money until whenever. Why? Maybe he doesn't believe you are truly serious or maybe he plans something shady. In any case, deposit your check in your own account. If you choose you can always withdraw it later and put it into your current account. At the very least you will see what your husbands says or does and that might be helpful in knowing how to deal with things down the road.

Talk, talk, talk. Don't let him touch the money - Val

[ In Reply To ..]
"He won't entertain the idea of getting a part-time job and contends that his contribution is as big as mine." You've heard his excuses for too long. Deposit that check in your account and see a counselor. You will grieve the relationship for awhile but your physical and mental health will improve.

To Had It - OCMT

[ In Reply To ..]
Your post reminded me of a saying that has been circulating on Facebook that I just love.

"What if I FALL?"
"But what if you FLY?"

Take the leap. You owe it to yourself. :)

No slamming here! - ETOHPRN

[ In Reply To ..]
I agree with the poster who says "talk, talk, talk."

Finally, after years of denial of chronic depression, my husband decided to try going to a professional. His motivation was his daughter and he wanted her to see him in a better light.

Turns out, for the past, oh, lifetime, he has been misdiagnosed as simply depressed and with testing and interviewing was felt to fall in the bipolar spectrum. With completely different medications and approach, he has done a 360 and it has been AMAZING.

Within the past 9 months he found the motivation and courage to get a grip on our finances, spent days calling creditors and getting payment plans set up, cleaning up our credit, and cleaning up our basement, which has been a major source of shame and embarrassment for him due to hoarding. The impulsive shopping has also ceased.

He is 50 now and has been treated for depression off and on since he was a little kid--all this time the wrong way. What an awful waste of so many what could have been extremely productive years.

I wholeheartedly agree with talking to him and getting professional help if you want to save your relationship and life. We are living proof it can be done, and we have only each other, as all our family is deceased and we have no support system. You are extremely fortunate in that regard, so definitely use their strength and encouragement as well!

I wish you all the best!

It will all work out sm - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
and you will do what you need to in your own time.

My only thought is, if you put your checks in your own account maybe he will see what he is/isn't contributing.

Just take a deep breath and use your own bank account to start improving your own situation. If is making as much money as you, he should indeed be okay. Handling your own money and your own finances is a first step in the direction you want to be, especially since he has done such a lousy job up until now.

What's the worst thing that can happen if you put the money in your own account?

Good luck to you; none of this is easy.

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