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Need opinions on an ongoing debate between DH and me

Posted: Sep 21, 2011

My DH and I have been having an ongoing argument about family obligations on the part of grown children. We are so invested in our points of view that we sometimes get almost hostile and have to stop the conversation.

His stand: Parents have the right to expect their grown children to help with house maintenance, upkeep, etc and that the children are letting them down if they are not available/offering. Gets angry when we have yardwork, etc that needs to be done and nobody is around to help.

My stand: Yes, we did raise them, but they never asked to be born, and if we haven't earned their love and concern, why should we expect them to come and work? I don't want any kids coming here, dreading it, because they "have to," and by "kids" I mean 40s and 30s (we do have two still at home in early 20s). I want them to come to us because they want to, not because they have to.

Is this just an excuse for me to not put any expectations on my kids? I feel that when they're grown they have their own lives and if their lives cross with ours, great, but if not, that's okay.

Any thoughts?

;

Question - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Do the kids he expects to help still live with you? If so, I would say yes. If they have moved out of your house, I would say no.

opinion - 1mt

[ In Reply To ..]
Kids that are still living in your home should definitely help with the work that needs to be done. If they have busy lives and are not around, then let them know a day or so in advance (or maybe a few hours) that you want something done. As for kids that are no longer living there, I don't think they should be expected to come to your house just to do yard work or whatever and if that's what your husband expects, that seems a little selfish. They're out on their own and have their own responsibilities to take care of. If there is a major project and you need help with it, then call them in advance and see if they are available to help, but you certainly cannot get mad at them if they have other things to do... especially since you still have kids at home who could help. My teenage kids are expected to help around the house. They certainly don't volunteer their help, but are told what they need to do.

The ones who moved out are off the hook. I would - have the 2 at home help with the work. nm

[ In Reply To ..]
.

I see both sides of this. Grown kids should offer - Fly Birdie

[ In Reply To ..]
to help their parents with work around the house, especially when they start to get older and things like mowing the yard become a little harder. However, kids don't always do that, but then again I see your point in that you don't want to have to force them to come and help either.

Maybe you could be sort of a go between and just mention to your grown kids that dad needs some help sometimes with the yard work and it would be nice if they would offer to help him out sometimes.

Now with the two you still have home, I wouldn't feel bad about making them do anything. They live there free of charge. I would just give them chores same as you did when they were younger.

My 19yo son is still at home with me and threatens to move out all the time when I gripe at him about doing chores. Like I would have a complete breakdown if he moved out. OMG! I'd have a big 'ol party! I love him, but it's close to time for him to strike out on his own.

I have locked up my fridge and my pantry when he hasn't done chores after days of me griping. he has a mini fridge in his room and I just put a package of balogna and a loaf of bread in there and tell him that's what you'll eat until you mow the lawn!

Think of it this way. - Same Boat

[ In Reply To ..]
What if NO children lived at home? Does he still expect them to come over and do the yard work, etc.? What if they have moved a couple of states away? I am afraid you probably will not see much of your children once they are gone. They will feel like they are expected to do work when all they want to do is visit.

Of course the ones living at home should pitch it, but I am sure it will not be long before they leave. Then what?

Honestly, if it is getting to be too much for you guys to handle, once the nest is empty maybe you should think about getting a smaller nest, maintenance-free anyway. Bring that up to your DH and see what he thinks. He may like that idea. If not, his grown children are no longer obligated to come over on any kind of regular basis to maintain your nest.

I have called my daughter twice to come over and help with a big project. Since I really never ask that of her, she came immediately and actually enjoyed helping out, but I would never make her thing she is obligated.

Sort of along the same thread sm - CrispyCritterMT

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm a 50+-year-old single woman. My father thinks I should move in with them to help take care of my mother who is a paraplegic. My other siblings are married with kids. I do try to go once a week. I live an hour away now. One of my brothers goes about once a week. My father refuses to pay someone to come in and help even though they could afford it and they have long-term care insurance. My mother unfortunately is not very pleasant to be around. Should I feel obligated to do this?

Sort of along the same lines but not. - Me too, CrispyCritter

[ In Reply To ..]
I had to move back in with my parents a couple of years ago after my mom begged me to because their bills were so high they could not afford groceries. Fast forward a couple of years. Mom diagnosed with terminal cancer and died 2 weeks later. Father is bed ridden (his own fault - won't go there). Abusive verbally. Was physically abusive to us as kids. I was "expected to do everything for him including wiping his a** when he used the bathroom. If no one was there to do it for him (he is capable of doing that himself) he would crap on himself and lay there in it until I came home from work or the home health aide came. Needless to say, home health turned me in for "elder abuse" because he was in dried feces. He would never say if he needed help, and sometimes would wait until I was in bed asleep or on the way to work. He would refuse baths with home health, etc. To make a long story short he is in the nursing home and rather than call for help, he will go on himself and then complain when they don't get down there fast enough to suit him. He's had therapy and was walking and able to go to the bathroom. Came home and plopped his fat butt back down and refused to get up and help himself.

Anyway, before we moved back in with them, he would call me and say "when are you going to help me with my bills" - like I didn't have my own. He ran up huge credit card bills on my accounts for car repairs over the years, tore up every vehicle I ever owned. I was treated like I owed it to him for the privilege of being alive.

I say the grown kids are not obligated to help. If the grown kids are living at home, they should help but I would not demand every cent they make and make it so they are not able to save enough to be able to get themselves set up when they do move out - like my father did to me.

If the family dynamics were good then the kids should want to help out with projects and stuff but not all of the time. This kind of sounds like my father, who feels like we owed it to him.

Thank God my DH isn't that bad! - Almost empty nest

[ In Reply To ..]
He's more "all blow and no show", in that he complains to me all the time but won't say it to the kids. I'm learning to just let him rant, but it does wear me down. I agree with you that if we've done our job right they will want to come visit, and help sometimes, but if we've done our job right they will first want to be independent, resourceful people who make their own families. I'm fine with watching them live their lives and enjoying the grandchildren when they come along (so far one granddaughter who is the light of my life!).

The two who are still at home do help, especially my college junior daughter, who has taken on the cooking when my work gets backed up. But I won't hate them if, once they move away, they don't feel obligated to come and mow the lawn. They'll have their own lawn to mow!

not the grown kids, but yes to grandkids - Loved my grands

[ In Reply To ..]
My parents helped out my mom's parents from time to time when there was a big event going on, but they put us kids to work as soon as we had hand/eye coordination of any kind. They lived on a large farm and there was always work to be done. That continued long until my cousins (there were 24 cousins!) and we were adults until my grands died. My GPs never asked for help, but showered us with appreciation for even the smallest thing we helped with. They left us alone to do our work, too, never micromanaged.

I helped my mom with her business after I got married, so I wasn't expected to do a lot at the family home.

I know today's society is a lot different, but I still see that as a better expectation than your husband has. Now with my own parents having to be cared for in old age, I'm glad to have been able to live my life without guilt of not helping so much after having moved out of the house. I think it's reasonable to let the grown kids have some kind of life now because when you need to be taken care of, they are going to give up their life to be there for you. At least, that's my view of the world. I know not everyone can do that for their parents, but I think it is more the norm.

The kids he's concerned with are the ones not living at home - Almost empty nest

[ In Reply To ..]
Unfortunately, I think what you said about them not coming because they just want to visit may be right on. Nobody wants to come to visit just to be harangued about not helping out. My stance is that I want to just enjoy them when they come and if they want to join on a project when I invite them, great! But it shouldn't be expected.

We've talked about getting a smaller place, but both of us were moved around a lot as kids and we worked hard to give our kids one house to grow up in and make memories in with the hopes that they can bring their children here for more good memories. I want to do whatever it takes to stay here. Once the last two are on their own, we should have a little more money to spend on paying other people for what we can't do. I just wish he agreed with me.

Well thanks, everyone, for your opinions and comments. I was afraid that maybe I was way out of line and you all would be agreeing with him and at least I feel supported in wanting my adult kids to be able to live their own lives!

I have to agree with your husband - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Growing up we always helped around the house until we left.

I don't agree with your stand at all. They were never asked to be born, therefore they shouldn't have any responsibilities? That's like saying, hey they were never asked to be born therefore they should never have to get a job and we'll pay for everything for them forever.

Then you said why should we expect them to come and work. Are they not living at home. My sister and her husband adopted a boy years ago and they never asked him do to anything. They did everything for him cos my sister is panicked he will leave home. So, he doesn't clean his room, doesn't help out in the yard, does whatever he wants to do. He's got it so he doesn't even flush the toilet cos mom and dad will do it.

Household chores/yard work is a part of growing up. At 50 years old I'm thankful my parents made me help out. I never once didn't want to go home cos I might have chores to do.

My sister tells me now she regrets not making her son clean up after himself or help out. She said he's lazy and just lays around and watches TV while everyone else does the work and he doesn't feel guilty about it.

Make them do the work. When they are adults they will be thankful you did.

uhhhh... - maybe you should read above

[ In Reply To ..]
cos they ARE adults and they don't live at home anymore. Just FYI... just cos...

kids - Gerri

[ In Reply To ..]
I think it depends on the situation. My husband (who was my kids' stepfather) passed away two months ago. My kids do not help me with anything even though I am grieved by the loss of my husband. Their stepdad was much better to them than their abusive father. He also was very good to their mother. I worked 7 days a week for 9 years to finish raising the last three kids. Their stepfather loaned them money (which they paid back sometimes), sold land to them cheap, rented to them cheap, always was there for them. They all (with the exception of one) live on land that was his.

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