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Dating again - issue with adult children

Posted: Jul 12, 2016

I was divorced about 12 years ago. I dated a little, but have had NO dates in the last 10 years. Recently I met a wonderful man. Things have progressed wonderfully and we are now in a serious, committed relationship.

I have 2 adult children who live with me. My son is 26, my daughter is 22. They are causing major problems. They REFUSE to spend any time with my new boyfriend. They DEMAND I tell them when he is coming over, so they can hide in their room or go somewhere. He has slept here twice, both resulting in HUGE fights because it makes them uncomfortable.

My boyfriend has said several times he doesnt want to be the guy who comes between a woman and her children. The thing is, they arent children anymore. They are ADULTS.

We only spend nights/weekends at his house. I would like him to come over for dinner a few times a week, but dont want the arguments.

How do I handle this? FYI - neither of my children contributes financially to the running of the household, nor do they do chores, which I know is my fault for not enforcing it.

;

Dating - BT

[ In Reply To ..]
Wow. They're acting like kids. It's your house, your rules. If they don't like it they need to move out. Sounds like they want to keep you for themselves because you do everything for them. You have the right to be happy. Lay down the law.

What a mess. I have something similar, and am ending it. - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
Your man sounds wonderful. I'd keep him over the adult children who are doing nothing but contributing grief to your life.

Put your foot down; they do NOT rule your life, they demand NOTHING of you, will NOT tell you who you can see or have over as a guest/whatever terms, and if they contribute nothing financially, in my opinion, they could go out the door tomorrow.

This shows your children have NO RESPECT for you, and likely never will.

I'd give them 30 days to find their own place. Even if you give them the ultimatum to keep their opinions to themselves and their mouth shut, there likely will still be sulking and ATTITUDE, neither of which you should put up with.

You deserve to be happy. Seems like you've got a good shot at it, so hang on to it.

I posted before, about my boyfriend with his sad codependency with his adult children who are nothing but a mess, create chaos in his life, treat him badly until they want something from him, and he continues to put up with it, and continued to try to force them on me to fulfill his fantasy of One Big Happy Family.

As a result, it spilled over into our life, and I've had enough of it. He and they were the problem, so I'm in the process of getting rid of all of them.

Maybe someday I'll be ready to date again... I dont know, not right now.

This should be handled with as little hostility as possible - and it is possible

[ In Reply To ..]
Whatever their problem is, I am sure it comes out of love/jealousy/possession regarding you. They are your children, even though they are adults. Stop arguing with them. Once you tell them that this person makes you happy and you hope he will be around long after they are gone, that he makes you happy and you feel you deserve that after all this time. Also tell them it is not up for discussion. It takes two to argue so do not participate. If they start with comments or insults just say, I will not listen to this period. End of discussion.

You say this relationship started "recently." Give it some more time. They will probably come around. If not, you need to come up with plan B.

Adult children - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
My brother is a widower who raised three children on his own. He dated occasionally and, when his children raised objections, he told them, "You don't have a vote."

Sounds like they are afraid - they will

[ In Reply To ..]
soon have to take responsibility for their own lives and actually act like adults. They seem very selfish and ungrateful.

Maybe it's time they moved out on their own and took care of their own lives. If they are uncomfortable because you have found happiness, they can find all the comfort they want in homes they provide for themselves.

They might be angry that their place at the center of the universe is no longer assured. Again, sounds like it's time to let them create their own universes and put themselves anywhere they want in it.

You have a right to make choices about your own life without having your happiness sabotaged by a couple of selfish, immature babies in adult bodies.

Time for them to move out and move on to the next stage of their lives.

I am generally of the my house, my rules persuasion, but--sm - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
At this point, them refusing to spend any time with the new boyfriend is not important. They are not dating him. It seems that it would be a courtesy to all involved (boyfriend, the kids, and yourself) if you let them know when you are expecting company and that the company may be spending the night. If they want to go somewhere else, that sounds great.

I am ascribe to the school of the thought that I do not care about my kids "attitude" about something they do not like, I am just interested in their behavior. I would have a family meeting with the kids and explain to them that you and only you determine who you spend your time with and who is invited into the home. I would tell them you understand that they are not happy with your decision, and you can respect their opinions. However, their opinion does not influence your decisions and that in turn, you expect them to treat any person you have invited into the home and your life with respect and dignity. Having your SO there for the conversation may be a good idea as well. If he is there, at another time I would have a discussion with your kids about expectations of their contributions or begin developing an exit plan for them to leave the nest.

My Take - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
Well, kudos to you for not bringing boyfriend drama into the kids' lives while they were young. You should be applauded for waiting until they were grown before embarking on a serious relationship.

However, you didn't have any expectations of your kids to contribute to becoming independent. Sometimes this is done out of guilt for divorcing, but you apparently let them rule the roost. They are too old to be living at home, unless they are in college and going for a degree, or working to contribute to the household expenses. And for sure they should be doing chores no matter what! They must change their own sheets if they aren't doing so, do their own laundry, and clean up the dishes, etc.

It's probably too late to gain their respect at this point, but you CAN enforce your rules that you make.

I agree with no arguing. "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I think you would be happier in your own apartment. I will get some boxes so you can get yourselves packed up." Then get some boxes and put them in their rooms.

I think this new boyfriend has no reason to stick around if it's going to be nothing but grief from your kids. Think about that, and I think you'll find the strength to do what you need to do.

What I think. - abc

[ In Reply To ..]
I think you should just keep seeing your wonderful man, spending nights at his house and giving your kids a heads up when he will be at your house for dinner. Let your children make other plans if they want and don't expect them to spend time with him. It sounds like that would keep the peace and be a manageable way to continue your relationship. I wouldn't even tackle the issue of them not contributing financially to the household or doing chores at this time. That is a separate issue and shouldn't be lumped into the boyfriend issue. Maybe at some point in the future that could be a conversation you could start with them about how it's time for them to progress to the next phase of adulthood and take on more responsibility either by getting their own places, contributing financially if they are going to stay, or by starting to do some chores.

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