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Mother of an addicted adult child, trying to practice tough love.

Posted: Jul 11, 2015

Seriously. I am always amazed when my heart physically hurts in my chest. I feel horrible and alone all at the same time. I can't stop crying, or worrying, or wondering what I should have done different.

My heart goes out to anyone else going through the same.

;

It's hard - Anon

[ In Reply To ..]
It's hard to let kids do things that you know will harm them. Most kids will learn what you teach them & survive their mistakes. The kids who are addicted will make mistakes & not learn, not til they hit "their" rock bottom, not "your" rock bottom. My kids aren't addicts, but I saw very clearly what my neighbor's addicted daughter did to her parents. She moved back home after giving them a sob story, then stole a full truckload of stuff from them right in front of them. They were too disabled to stop her. I got to know these neighbors very soon after this event. She came back & acted like nothing was wrong, helped herself to more stuff. She can be very nice, but she can turn mean quicker than the wind changes direction & leave you wondering what just happened. Both her parents have since died & it's been crazy dealing with the aftermath. When you have an addicted child, the best thing you can do is be strong enough to take care of yourself. If your child ends up in a hospital or jail, sure, go visit, be the parent you want to be, but when they get out, you cannot take them in no matter how sorry you feel for them. They won't feel sorry for you when you're left with nothing. If they want help, it has to come from somebody who is trained to see through the tricks, not the parents who only see the little kid who used to be so cute. Unless you're also trained in the profession they need to see, you can't help an addicted child. What they did to themselves was their choice, not yours. Either they picked up the habit willingly or they got involved with somebody who got them started, but whatever it was, they chose to continue. If they want out, they have to seek help from somebody who can really help. You can't feel bad about their choices, not if it's going to cause you pain. When they fall down, dust them off, then send them on their way. You have to see the damage they've done. What they did to themselves they can do to you. Love them all you want, just don't let them close enough to do harm. It might be tough love, but it has to happen that way. Please let yourself heal. Talk to one of the people who work with addicts for perspective. Find out what the programs offer & how they get through it. Talk to an addict who's doing well. They'll tell you the truth. Even if your child never goes for help, at least you'll know what's available. Sorry this is so long, but I just want to tell you what I think. I feel for you.

Thank you both. - Heartbroken

[ In Reply To ..]
I appreciate both of your words.

Anon - your words mean so much. You are right on with what you are saying. It is so difficult to do with your own child. I AM doing it, but I feel so horrible, and sick about it.

Thank you for taking the time to write.

Sickened - Thank you for the support. So very kind.

Hugs and a big thank you to you both.

Hi - Anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I hope things get better. You're not the only one going through it.... it's limited help, but the club you're in is large & well-populated. I may not have this within my own family, but I can still empathize & support you at least this way. I hope your child can & will seek help.

Means a lot when people offer a few nice words. - Heartbroken.

[ In Reply To ..]
TY. Just reading comments fills a few minutes. Sometimes those are the minutes I just need to "get through" and it helps.

I sure wish I could wave a magic wand. Every time the phone rings, it is sheer panic.

My heart goes out to you as our family went through - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
a very difficult experience with a mentally ill family member a couple of years ago. The pain was crushing and all consuming. It comes to my mind that a family support group like Al-Anon or Narc-Anon might help. Sometimes it helps just to have someone who really understands what you are going through.

Sadly, - Heartbroken

[ In Reply To ..]
I had not even thought of that. After all this time and all the lies and hurt, it is really just hitting me how real this is. You may be right. It might be something to look into. Thank you for the suggestion.

Its all-consuming. And I still have to get up and work and try to live a life, probably mostly in a daze. It just feels like the end of the world.

TY again.

Heartbroken - I've been there

[ In Reply To ..]
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I went through the same thing. My daughter was an addict for about five years. She lied, stole, etc. My life was basically put on hold. I could not work properly or do anything during that period. I tried to talk to her, get her professional help, but I became an enabler. I kept taking her back and it almost destroyed me. AL-Anon may be an answer - as you will have people to talk to who are going through the same thing. I did not go that route and suffered and suffered through it. I swear I have PTSD from that period in my life. A wise person once said to me....Remember, you are NOT dealing with that little boy/girl that once was your child. You are dealing with a stranger and sometime a monster. An addict does not care about you, they care only about their next hit. So, DO NOT treat them as that wonderful little kid you used to have. I remembered that over and over again during the process. THIS IS NOT MY KID. Thinking that way helped me realize that and made that TOUGH LOVE thing easier for me. Look at them as horrible stangers --- you would not let a stranger constantly lie to you and steal from you and treat you badly, so don't let your "stranger child" do it.

I have no answers for you on how to treat your addicted child. They really do have to hit rock bottom and sometimes that results in dire circumstances, but YOU must realize that you have tried and tried, and you did your best - the rest is up to them.

I don't know if you are a religious person or not, but I prayed and prayed and prayed --- and not only for my child, but for the strength to deal with the situation without letting it destroy you.

By the way, my daughter hit rock bottom when the child she was carrying at the time was born dead and her wonderful boyfriend beat her up to the point of hospitalization. It was a hard road back for her. She enrolled in a methadone clinic (and is still attending albeit at a very low dose), but she is a functioning wonderful young lady again. I still worry because an addict is always an addict...

I wish you well. You must know that so many families deal with this and you are not alone.

Thank you. - Heartbroken

[ In Reply To ..]
Your words mean a lot. We have also gone through a stillborn and hospitalization due to husband and then boyfriends.

That was years ago and still going strong with the lies and stealing and addiction. And the excuses keep coming.

Great advice, and I WILL try to remember THOSE words and your advice.

I think the rock bottom is mine. I about can't handle it anymore. It's so difficult to explain the amount of stress that goes along with this. :(

Heartbroken - I've been there

[ In Reply To ..]
You don't have to explain how difficult it is. I know!!! Towards the end with my daughter, I did start to take my life back. I just sat back and fully expected the phone call from the police or the morgue, but I gone on with my life. Shortly after that, she did come back, pregnant again and after being held at gunpoint by a boyfriend who was mad at her because she wouldn't give him the last 10 bucks she had. She pressed charges on him and he went to jail for a long time. When he got out, he overdosed and died. She then finally got on with her life.

Like I said, you have done all you can and you can give yourself a pat on the back for that- it's up to her now. You know if she steals from you (especially from your bank account) you can press charges. She will be arrested and hopefully be sentenced to some sort of rehab program paid for by the state. Just a thought. My prayers are with you. Hang in there.

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