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Dating younger - one more question (sm)

Posted: May 23, 2010

So what would you do if you dated a younger man only to find out that you both had started to have a very strong instant bond, only he wants to have children so he began struggling with that issue? He says it is unfair to take things any further with me because we have gotten so attached...him included, but that he knows he wants to have children. I am 42, already have two children, and have had a tubal ligation in the past. Obviously, trying to keep him with me would be unfair to him as the desire to have children is a very personal and important decision. We want to remain friends but that will be very hard to do also... we both think the other is the greatest person we have ever met. It's extremely difficult. Do I just suck it up and let him go or do I suggest alternatives? I would gladly adopt children with him. But I am afraid to mention that to him at this point.

;

he either 1) wants out 2) wants children; let him go. - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

Grrr.. .I hate having to be mature :( sm - older woman

[ In Reply To ..]
x

sorry, meant no message nm - older woman

[ In Reply To ..]
x

Do you not realize that you answered your own question? - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I read your previous posts.
It is you who is head over heels into him, but he is not.

Sorry, but he is desperate to wiggle out of this relationship.

Well, speaking as a man, what have you got to lose by discussing-- - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
--the possibility of adoption with him? You already know that it's not a workable relationship if he wants his own children with you since that's not going to happen. If you really are that sympatico, discuss adoption with him. The worst that can happen is that you will part as you would have had to, anyway; if he truly is into you and is open to adoption, then no worries (well, one down, anyway :-).

IMO, you either need to discuss it with him or break it off for both your sakes.

He will only agree to adoption if you are - adopt ?

[ In Reply To ..]
more important to him than biological children, what I, sorry, doubt.

I mention this only in reply to 1 above poster's comment. I doubt that YOU have the desire to adopt children since you demonstrated clearly that you do not want any more children by undergoing a tubal ligation.

So, move on and look for somebody who doesn't want children or not any more children, like you.

P.S. I would never adopt a child, I hear a lot of horror stories.

What about "I would gladly adopt children with him" did I misunderstand? - NM

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

are you serious? you would never adopt a child? sm - older woman

[ In Reply To ..]
I had a tubal ligation because for health reasons I should not get pregnant again. I would gladly adopt a child, regardless of the "horror" stories. I don't even understand that way of thinking to be honest with you. You sound pretty selfish to me.

there are topics about which it is totally useless - omg!

[ In Reply To ..]
to argue about.
Examples: adoption, abortion, political parties, interracial marriages, etc,.....

The best is to avoid any arguments and agree to disagree. You will never be able to pursuade me otherwise and vice versa.

What you are saying is:

"I am ready to adopt a child to chain this man to me." You would be ready to use this child as means to your end.

Let this man go, he does not want to marry you.

Wow. If it weren't for adoption, my nephew - would have died long ago.

[ In Reply To ..]
For any horror story you hear, there are 10 times as many happy endings.

That was kind of my thought - what do I have to lose? sm - older woman

[ In Reply To ..]
If he is so desperate to get away, as the poster above said, then why does he keep calling and talking to me and telling me that he is sad also? At this point the relationship will be lost over the issue of children... I feel I should at least put my cards on the table and if I lose, at least I lost with all the info out there that I could have given.

are you THAT naive? His goal is - omg

[ In Reply To ..]
sex, yours is marriage.

He smoothtalked you into sex, now he is smoothtalking you out of marriage, but still wants to keep you around for occasional sex.

To adopt a child will not cause him to marry you, he wants his biological children.

As a proponent of the older man/younger woman relationship - Married to my younger guy 3 years

[ In Reply To ..]
I've been following your posts and, I'm SO sorry, but I honesty think this guy is now trying to back-pedal and, as several of us indicated below, he's "just not that into you."

I can't quite figure out from your posts whether he's trying to let you down gently or if he's just looking to hang onto perhaps a "friends with benefits" relationship, but in all honesty, and definitely speaking from experience, I'd cut him loose.

You deserve someone who shares your interests, your goals, your ambitions, and a REAL relationship.

Cut this dude loose and find someone you're more compatible with. This has nothing to do with age so much as it does a guy who is either (a) trying to let you down easy so beat him to the punch or (b) is really just hanging onto you for the sex while he keeps playing the field.

Go find a new playmate and HAVE FUN!!!

lay all your cards on the table right now - sssdt

[ In Reply To ..]
I've been reading your other posts. I think you need to tell him very bluntly you can't have kids and that will not change except by adoption, and you want to continue with the relationship. If he doesn't want to because of the children issue (or any other issue) then he needs to tell you NOW.

He's just been a big ol' flake, as far as I can tell, and he's tossing out excuses left and right to try to derail the relationship. The more you waffle around and try to cover all the details, the worse it's going to get. He has to grow up and decide. You tell him EXACTLY how you feel, clearly and concisely, and then give him a few days to think about it.

And if it was me, if he couldn't decide and just kept coming up with new problems to work through, I'd dump him. Enough is enough from this guy.

I agree - .

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

Thank you, I think you're right sm - older woman

[ In Reply To ..]
I appreciate honest opinions, just not the self righteous ones I was getting above.

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