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Should you lie to your children?


Posted: Sep 2, 2016

I just recently found out my ex-husband lost his house because he hasn't paid the taxes on it for four years.  He is an alcoholic, doesn't work, and is bipolar as well.  He somehow manages to come up with money to buy his alcohol, but won't get a job to pay his bills or taxes.  He's a veteran and gets charity organizations to pay his utilities.  He doesn't even own a car that runs anymore.  He's just really pathetic.  I divorced him for the drinking and not working, but since the divorce he's become just completely pathetic.

Since he found out he lost his house, he first came to me to help him buy a car so he could "get a job".  I said no.  He wanted me to help him pay the taxes.  I said no.  He wanted me to let him move in with us.  Again, I said no.  I did some research and found out that in our state, you can redeem your property sold in a tax sale.  How much time you have to redeem it depends on a number of factors.  So I told him to call the county and find out if he can redeem it and how long he has.  If he can't redeem it, he needs to find out how long he has to vacate.  I told him to call friends and family and find somewhere to stay temporarily.  Advice was/is the only way I'm willing to help him.

Instead of making a phone call, he decided to go on a week long bender.  He basically dropped off the grid, locked himself in "his" house and has been drunk ever since.  Of course, I didn't know this for sure, but I assumed that was what he was doing.  Generally, he bugs me every single day.  He calls me at work or texts me needing a ride here or a ride there or whatever.  Very rarely does a day go by that he doesn't at least text me (he gets a free cellphone and food stamps!).  So when he went on his bender, no one has heard from him for a week.  My kids (I have 24 yo son and a 16 yo daughter) started asking me if I had heard from their dad.  Both were aware that he was losing his house.  I kept telling them I'm sure he's okay.  I told my adult aged son that if he was so worried, he could go check on him himself, but he didn't want to.  Understandable, but just quit bugging me about it!  My daughter, however, since she's still a kid keeps asking me about him.  She was crying about it last night, saying she knows he's an alcoholic and he won't work and that we can't help him, but he IS her dad and she's worried about him.  She keeps asking me where's he going to go, what's he going to do, etc.  So I lied.  I said I had talked to him and he was making arrangements to move in with a friend.  I just hated to see her so worried and upset.  I just wanted her to calm down and stop worrying about him. The truth is I did check on him and I was right, he was completely drunk and high on Ambien, sitting half naked in front of his TV.  I really just wanted to make sure he was alive and since he was, I just left.

Was I wrong to lie to my daughter?  She never sees him, but maybe once a month and then it's just to say Hi.  She never goes to his house to spend weekends or whatever like other kids of divorce do.  So it was just easy to lie to her instead of watching her worry.  I didn't tell her about him losing his house.  He texted her and told her because he thought she would be upset and persuade me to help him somehow.  He's always done that, upset my kids just to get to me.  I took her phone while she was sleeping and  I blocked his number.

;

Lies - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Your ex should be providing answers to your kids, not you. Not telling everything you know, in these circumstances, is not necessarily lying. You should have said, "Yes, I checked on him. He is the same always, and I encouraged him to move in with a friend, so I THINK he is going to make arrangements to do that."

Now, I am not so sure about blocking his number from your daughter's phone while she was sleeping. I see your point in doing it, but would she? While that is not a lie, it is certainly dishonesty. But let's not play with words and the technicality of their use. You have bigger problems.

I think I have read a post on here from you before about this man. My advice to you is to have as little contact with him as possible, so you can get to the point where "you don't know." He may make this hard for you to do. Do not answer his calls/texts. Go as long as you can without speaking to him, giving him advice, or supporting him. He is probably not going to do anything about trying to salvage the house. He would probably need a job to do that. DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY. See what happens when he is homeless. Be prepared to give him names and numbers of shelters, but DO NOT EVER let him move it. He will be there forever.

Lastly, understand that you cannot protect your children's feelings from this man, what he does, and how he lives. These are HIS choices and you should not try to explain them. That is for him to do. Besides they already know, so sugar-coating it is useless. What is also going to be hard for you to do is make your children understand that even though he is their father, he is not YOUR responsibility. You are divorced, you cannot help his mental/alcohol/financial problems, and you cannot and will not support him. They will just have to come to terms with it. I would suggest some kind of counseling for your daughter. She is going to need it for herself, to try to understand him, and to understand your position. Good luck to you. Sounds like this man has made your life a living h......

Thank you for your advice and yes I've posted about him before. - AnnyMoss

[ In Reply To ..]
I sometimes feel it's therapeutic for me to just rail about him until I'm spent. I hate him. Then I feel guilty for hating him. Then I pity him. Then I'm angry because I pity him. Then I hate him again. It's exhausting.

I pretty much agree with everything the above poster (sm) - LM

[ In Reply To ..]
said. Get to "I don't know" being truthful as quickly as you can. I understand you feel sorry for your daughter, but you really can't help him. I also think I would unblock the phone. This is really a crappy situation for you, and I feel for you.

blocking - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
i agree with blocking his number. your daughter is 16 and your responsibility. she should not have any contact with her father while he so unstable. i would have done exactly as you did.

....and if he does something desperate, mom will - be in trouble because he couldn't contact dau

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

if he does something desperate - what idiot would involve a 16 yo

[ In Reply To ..]
you could not possibly be a parent to have made such a statement.

Let's face it. The kid is 16 and probably knows how to unblock a number on a phone.

Parents should act as fiduciaries and protect them against abuse, especially when directed by the other parent suffering from a mental and physical illness.

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