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Adult Sibling Rivalry?
Posted: Sep 23, 2012
My youngest brother, "Rick," is a 50-year-old doctor, never been married, and a loner (not in the bad crazy sense, just isn't that interested in people). For the past few years all holidays have been at his house because Rick doesn't like to be away from home (I think he might have some anxiety issues, but he uses his medical practice as a reason for not wanting to go anywhere). Rick lives about 2 hours from each of us. His house is very nice, but all the work of bringing food, dishes, etc. falls to my mom, me, and to a lesser extent my sister-in-law. The problem is that my brother who is married and I have kids iin high school and college and they have various activities, so we would like to change the pattern of the holidays with some of holidays being at our houses. My mom is totally against changing thiings because she says it will upset Rick, and she's probably right. She feels bad for him because "he has no one," he's totally alone, the holidays are all he has, etc. i don't want a rift with Rick and I don't want my mom to be in a tizzy, but the rest of us want to change the status quo. My dad says that changing the holidays is about convenience and that the grandkids' activities are less important than the family being together. Am i a doormat? Jealous sister? Irked at my kids AND my parents AND my brother? Has anyone coped with this type of thing? Successfully?
;
If this was me and I wanted - do to a holiday at my own
[ In Reply To ..]I would probably (politely of course and assuming everyone else was on the same page) just explain the situation to Rick that you were having the holidays at so and so's house this year just to change things up. Really, unless he has serious mental issues, is it all that hard to leave his comfort zone for one day of the year.
If this is not possible without causing the rest of the family to go into a tizzy, probably best not to rock the boat and you will just have to live with it.
You pretty much nailed it - sm
[ In Reply To ..]though from the below posts it's obvious there's a lot going on emotionally with family holidays that's not about food or driving.
Same with my family - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Holidays are spent at my MIL house and she does absolutely NONE of the cooking. We all have to cook dishes and take them to her house. My SIL makes the turkey, ham, stuffing and it is a lot on her to have to carry all of that to my MIL house.
So, last year my SIL said it would be much easier that since she cooks the majority of the meal if we all had the holidays at her house, so she would have time to put the finishing touches on her meal and not have to transfer everything into other dishes to drive them to MIL house.
Well my MIL had a FIT! She was refusing to even participate in holidays if they were not at her house and was saying, "I only ask for two days a year and you all are taking that from me" She asks for much more than that actually, but anyway, yet again the holidays ended up at her house.
Some people are stuck in their ways and no changing them and really for a couple of days a year I guess it can't be so important to cause an upset.
Things like this - make me glad
[ In Reply To ..]I gave up the "holidays" years ago. Who needs the extra stress?
Giving up the Holidays - Just Curious
[ In Reply To ..]I see so much of my own family in the above posts. It is hard to admit it, but the holidays have really become a chore. I am glad when they are over and don't enjoy them anymore at all. Sad, really. So how do you "ease out" of the holidays? Or do you just say, "Christmas is cancelled"? Do you do something else in place of the holidays? Have you regretted not having traditional holidays? I need to have some kind of plan to change the holidays in my family before it becomes an issue in a couple of months.
Ya know, all these changes do not have to be a bad thing. - Merry Christmas
[ In Reply To ..]We used to all do Thanksgiving and Christmas at my mom's. My siblings have children, and I have children. Mom was not cooking anymore either. My sister and I decided we would switch off from her house to mine each year. As time went by, our children grew up and did not want to go for whatever reason, or in my case, they were home from college and I wanted us to have our own holiday celebration at our house.
Now my girls are grown. My sister and I agreed she would have her holiday celebration and we would have ours. We also agreed to no longer exchange gifts between us and our children since our grandchildren had come along. My daughter who is married and I now switch back and forth from her house to mine each year. My other daughter is still single but she does all of the baking no matter whose house we are going to. To be honest, I would not care really if my other daughter gets married and the 2 girls switch back and forth from their houses. It is tiring with all the cleaning, shopping, and expensive shopping as well. I would certainly take something to their house but I would not insist that they do anything. It is the holidays for everyone, not just the host.
You do not owe anyone an explanation to change things. Just very politely do it. Do not defend yourself. Do not argue about it. Just say, "this is what we are doing this year," and then do it.
I still make it a point to see as many relatives as I can during the holidays, but I do not dictate what anyone else does, nor do they dictate my time. Once the change is made, you might be delighted at how people will go along with it. If not, it really is their problem and they will get over it.
I don't know... - I guess it helps when
[ In Reply To ..]you don't have a big family that wasn't all holiday crazy in the first place. I am single with no kids, so for something like T-giving I just started volunteering for work when everyone else wanted the day off. Ends up being kind of nice, plus extra cash and fewer calories! I always had an excuse when someone said I just had to come for the dinner. Would be OK I guess if I could limit the visit for a meal and a little polite time, but definitely not into these marathon visits with just about anyone.
Christmas was easy to get rid of. Decorations always struck me as a lot of work, especially the older I get. As far as gifts, if I see something I think someone will really like, I just get it for them, no matter the time of year. This is something I don't miss whatsoever, and then on December 26 when everyone else is cleaning up a big mess I am relaxing and getting on with my life.
I guess this attitude might not work for everyone, but it definitely works for me, and I sort of feel I have outsmarted everyone by not buying into the madness!
WHY do we celebrate Christmas? - If we remember
[ In Reply To ..]and focus on that, it becomes an actual celebration!
cooking - mt1347
[ In Reply To ..]Pardon me for stating the obvious - why doesn't your SIL cook AT your MIL's house? Then she wouldn't have to transport the stuff. You people on this thread are a bunch of selfish little biddies. Your husband's mother wants her family with her on Christmas - and you're bee atching about it?
I agree! nm - anon
[ In Reply To ..]nm
rivalry - mt1347
[ In Reply To ..]I agree with your parents - it is about family. If you decide to put your own family above that of your family origin, that is your right. But, you're teaching your kids that convenience and selfishness is more important than family traditions. So, when they grow up, don't be surprised when they don't have time for you at the holidays. Glad you're not my sister.
Your bitterness is showing - Sister issues much?
[ In Reply To ..]The OP's problem is that she is trying to please everyone and in doing so will wind up pleasing no one, even herself. You state it's about family, yet make a distinction between the OP's own family and her family of origin--aren't they all in the same family?? You sound like you come from a family where there's a tug-of-war over loyalties. Sounds like you've felt second-rate or snubbed by your own sister. Too bad, because in the long run family is all we have.
Similar situation - sis
[ In Reply To ..]I'm 1 of 4 kids. My older brother and younger sis live about 2 hours away, in the same area. My younger brother still lives at home and I'm only about 10 minutes from him and my parents. My older brother's wife does holidays with her family on opposite years. The problem is on her years with our family, she doesn't want to travel the 2 hours to spend it at my parents'. Since she travels 2 hours to spend them with her family, she doesn't want to have to travel on her "off" year.
She does offer to host, which would be nice, but for the fact that she has indoor animals and several in my immediate family have allergies. She's also not the best cook or housekeeper, so my husband and I are not thrilled with that idea. We used to always give in and go, then spend 2 hours driving home wishing we hadn't.
About 4 years ago, we quit. I told my parents they were welcome to spend the holidays with me or them (it really didn't bother me either way). I've been a lot happier since.
holidays - mtalso
[ In Reply To ..]I always thought holidays were for making memories for my kids and for my younger siblings. My mom and dad used to party with friends and go out, so when I married, I did holidays so my siblings wouldn't be home alone and my parents showed up as well because after all, it was a "party". We had to give it up because of sibling rivalry after the bros and sisters got married and threw a monkey wrench in all of it. Too long to get into. All I can say is that I missed it dearly for two years and cried over it. It was like a "death." Now I have only my kids and their kids at anytime of convenience so they can go to their inlaws as well. If my kids told me they could no longer come here, I would be devastated. I honor Christmas and Thanksgiving with all my heart and soul and every breath that's left in me. I pray it never gets taken away because it's my celebration of God's gift to me - my beautiful family. That's only my humble opinion. I hope and pray the tradition carries on. It's not about the material things like food and gifts, it's getting together in the old homestead, humble as it may be, "it's home."
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