A community of 30,000 US Transcriptionist serving Medical Transcription Industry
Handling a disrespectful, unappreciative adult son
Posted: May 3, 2014
I am hoping to make this a short post, but I am at my wits ends here. My son, from the age of 15 has been such a rebel. He ran away from home, etc, caused great heartache to our family (his father, sister, and myself). When he was about 18 he came back into our lives, and we accepted and moved on. He continued to drink, do drugs (including meth), continued to be very disrespectful towards his father who has bent over backwards for him. He was on his own and not in our home, but it still was hurtful. He married a wonderful girl and had a daughter of his own. He continued to be disrespectful to everyone including his wife, continuing to drink, do drugs, not caring what others feelings were. Two years ago, he was in a serious motorcycle accident just 2 blocks from his house. He left a bar on his motorcycle without a helmet, 3x the over the limit, and ended up in the hospital for almost 3 months in an induced coma. He has a slight brain injury and has experienced 3 seizures since that time. He was so mean and hateful towards his wife that she could not take it anymore, took their daughter, and ran (I DON'T BLAME HER). Now, at the age of 39, he is about to lose his home, etc., because he says he cannot work due to the seizures, feeling dizzy, etc. I think he can work, he is just milking everything and everyone, and wants everyone to feel sorry for him. He has always been a very manipulative person. My husband has made sure his utilities are at least paid, and has been there for him. This little twerp continues to be disrespectful towards his father, is very unappreciative. He is mean spirited. He continues to take his father's money and assistance, but then posts, in round about ways, cutdowns and hateful things about his father on Facebook, taking Bible verses out of content, and just being a jerk. I am tired of it. I have been trying to help him get on Disability, but the way he has been treating his father, my husband, I am about ready to tell him to take care of all of it himself. Then, I feel guilty, because he will be out on the streets... I don't know what to do. It just makes me sick. Thanks for a listening ear. I just needed to vent :-(
;
Disrespectful son - mtinmi
[ In Reply To ..]It is horrible not understanding why your child would treat anyone this way. In your heart you still want to protect him. As hard as it is, there comes a point that you have reached your rock-bottom and have to walk away and know that you did everything you could. Sometimes the person straightens up and sometimes not, but that is a choice they have to make. Sometimes as parents we enable these types of behaviors, we think we are helping but are enabling. I know, I have been there. It is a horrible place to be as a parent. Feel free to e-mail me if you need someone to talk with that totally understands.
walk away - 55
[ In Reply To ..]You have to walk away. The only way to help an addict is not to help. You cannot support them in anyway. They have to lose everything and realize there is no family to fall back on anymore. You need to be done and stay done. Only then is there any chance of recovery. Being around to help the addict is only enabling them to continue their lifestyle as an addict.
Just my opinion, but I have done it.
The addict in my life, once realizing there was no family going to "help" anymore, that he had lost everything, his wife, children, home, and after almost a year of time, finally turned his life around.
It was the hardest, but best thing I have ever done.
It is long past time - xx
[ In Reply To ..]to allow him to experience the consequences of his behavior.
Wash your hands of him and walk away. You've done everything you can and he has chosen to be an ungrateful jerk. It is now his problem. Let him deal with it.
Walk away and get on with your life.
I debated whether to post - Sad
[ In Reply To ..]but decided to join in the support. This is my current life, with my 30 YO daughter and me. I do not know about her addictions but I do know that even the people who care the most get tired. The FB thing was happening directed at me, the manipulation, the never helping themselves, the lying, the only being nice when she needed something and then turning nasty when she did not get what she wanted, until finally all my friends and family said - you are enabling and must walk away. And I have.
Its a very difficult thing to do and I am in the early stages of this, but I am learning, with much guilt, that I was not helping by enabling. I am sad, but I know that what I WAS doing, all the helping, all the "catch them when they fail," all the donating of furniture and gas money and items to sell and bailing out for cars and utilities and computers, etc., was not working, so maybe this will.
Big hugs. :(
Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. There should - be a support group for
[ In Reply To ..]Parents with disrespectful & troubled kids. I have thought about going to counseling to help me deal with the painful things I've gone through with my daughter. I am seriously considering it once things calm down at work (working extra hrs).
SON - xoxo
[ In Reply To ..]I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I am afraid you and your husband have helped him too much. Unfortunately, our children are our hearts, but please for your sake and maybe his cut the strings. Let him hit absolutely rock bottom. No one can get him clean and sober but him. I know it is a complicated situation - extremely complicated. I have sort of a reverse situation. I am 39 and 10 years ago my dad put alcohol down for good. He was a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Our lives were a living hell. I could write a best seller about it, but we helped him for years and then 10 years ago we said to hell with you and he made the decision himself. These past 10 years have been the best of our lives. Unfortunately, you and your wonderful husband are only enabling him. Cut the ties for your sanity at least. So sorry for your broken hearts. Drugs and alcohol suck!
My son was not into drugs, but gave up his maternal - side of the family including me
[ In Reply To ..]When my son married it was as if I lost him. His wife's family came first. Freebies were done for that side. I paid if I wanted anything done at my home, i.e. painting rooms, new roof, moving things, anything. I gave and gave for him and his family, bought his kids clothing for school, vacations, took them on vacations, bought cars, paid bills, all. I raised him by myself without a penny from his father. Now years later my father died, left me money (he had also given my son and his family over $50,000) but my son made the statement of "I got it all" and when I asked him what did he say, he repeated the same thing again. I was tired and disgusted that a child could be that disrespectful and broke all ties then. That was in 2005. He and his family live about 15 miles from me. The grandchildren when they grew up never came by to see me. This was before my final visit with my son. I never thought this would happen but money really breaks a family up sometimes. I went on with my life and just try to lead as happy a life as I can.
Kid has no respect - Because...
[ In Reply To ..]...you don't come across as someone who should be respected. Why should he respect someone who doesn't command respect?
Sometimes parent unwittingly do too much out of some sort of guilt. Not sure what the deal is here, but your kid is a mess. And why are YOU helping him get disability? You said yourself he can probably work and just uses his seizure excuse to get out of it. Since you feel he's basically able-bodied, let him do the applying for disability; not that I think he should have it, since he sounds fine--he's just a mess and needs to clean up his act. By the way, fraudulen disability is something we all pay for with our paychecks, so by helping him collect, you are not much better than he is.
answer - cloverport
[ In Reply To ..]First of all, no you do not know the who situation. I would have to write a book to tell that. I did post that the kid was in a coma for three months after a tragic motorcycle accident where the full impact of the motorcycle (900 KZ - not a small motorcycle) came down upon his head. He is lucky to be alive. Thus, he does have some disabilities, one of them being unable to comprehend written language now. He can read forms, but does not understand what is being asked of him (other than the simple what is your name, age, etc.). This is why I am helping him with his Disability forms. I do think he is capable of working, but that is my opinion. He is the one who truly knows how he feels and what he is capable of doing. Yes, he is very disrespectful towards his father, more so than me. This is a kid who even though he has his issues, was a hard worker. He worked hard construction his whole life, climbing high, and I mean high. With his seizure disorder he cannot do this now as for fear of having a seizure when he is high in the air. That said, I did come on here for advise... but again you do not know the whole story, and I feel your reply was a bit harsh.
I can certaintly feel your pain, not a son but a daughter - no drugs involved, but
[ In Reply To ..]A lot of very bad choices that not only affect her, but my grand baby. She has hurt me so much till I don't know what to do. Having a troubled child no matter how old they are can be one the most painful things in life.
stepson or biological son? - nm
[ In Reply To ..]
answer - cloverport
[ In Reply To ..]He is my biological son.
Jason's story - cloverport
[ In Reply To ..]This is long, but this is Jason's story he posted on Facebook today. Everything in it is true; however, he leaves out the fact that this all came about because of his rebellion, and that he is disrespectful towards his father, even though his father has bent over backwards to help him. Please read below:
"Almost 3 yrs ago July 8th 2011 I was in a motorcycle wreck , I was flown to Oaklawn IL. where I laid in a coma for 2 months and now have some major brain injury in the front left lobe it took the doctors about a month to realize I had shattered my left elbow my dad came to see me and asked what was wrong w/ my arm that I now have about 50% of use w/ 5 peices of metal in my elbow. A yr later almost to the day I had found a job with insurance because before I worked construction w/o insurance and had to file bancruptcy on a 400,000 medical bill that I could never pay off.While at work I was electrocuted while I was alone in a holding tank that contained 2 ft of liquid acid where a light fell over behind me while I was trying to get out.This was not my normal job but I was told it had to be done that day on top of my normal dutys. Only by the grace of God did I get out of there alive. Shortly after, a week or two I had a seizure. My Doctor would not allow me to do the thing that that job required therefore that company would not take me back. I was told I could drive my truck, but that I could no longer drive a forklift , no heights no heavy equipment. Ive also been told that in the state of Indiana if I have a seizure behind the wheel knowing that I might have one I go to jail as if I was drinking and driving. Since than my wife left me cuz " I was no longer the guy she married". I had been with here for 18 yrs married for 6 and have a 12 yr old daughter w/ her. She had tried to help get me disability from the beginning but I had been denied twice. Here I am now about 3 yrs from the time I had the motorcycle accident its May 3, 2013 ... Last Jan I had gone back to working construction because I had no where else to go and was receiving no help. When I lost my job no fault of mine so I was actually on a side job at my parents house shoveling snow off of my dads pole barn when I had anouther seizure , thankfully I had a freind w/ me who did not let me fall off the roof and called 911 . Since then my anxiety levels have gone thru the roof. Im having problems sleeping , eating , Im shacky not only externally but also internally Im scared to death to even drive to the grocery store in fear that I will have anouther seizure and hurt not only myself but others. I have not seen my daughter in about 4 months due to this not only am I afraid of driving w/ her but my ex wife will not let that happen which is very understandable. I am now recieving food stamps, my parents have been paying my electric bill , freinds have been driving to the store when needed. I have again applied for medicade and social disability but again have been denied. I NEED some help I have worked my ass off my whole life I was a guy that was out riding wheelies on his motorcycle building houses. I can no longer be that guy. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!"
Always someone else's fault. - Sorry.. he is a loser manipulator
[ In Reply To ..]He is DELUSIONAL. Blames everything on someone else. Takes no responsibility.
Cut your strings mom. Find your granddaughter and her mom and make bridges with them.
the little twerp may have bipolar disorder and organic brain syndrome - vent away
[ In Reply To ..]My brother had two major head injuries during his life - run over by an 18-wheeler coal truck while driving his motorcycle at age 16 and a head-on collision in a suicide attempt 25 years later. He survived both but died later of deliberately untreated lung cancer.
Your son sounds very much like my brother. Your "little twerp" probably needs routine health care from a neurologist/psychologist. Best of luck with your venting.
I'm outta here - cloverport
[ In Reply To ..]I don't understand why some people can be so hateful. You some day may need to vent.... I hope you get some kind, honest directions... not hateful ones.
before I go - cloverport
[ In Reply To ..]I have laid the responsibility in Jason's lap. I am bowing out. Thus, his post on Facebook today. He is contacting lawyers on his own apparently, which is what I wanted him to do. I want him to take responsibility for whatever he needs to do to make his life work.... be it finding a job, getting on Disability, etc. He is on his own on this... I am no longer going to enable him in anyway... until he starts to respect his me and his dad. You know as a parent, you doubt your decisions at times. I had come to this conclusion before I posted, doubted what I was doing, and came on to vent and get assurance that I was doing the right thing. Thanks to all you answered kindly, gave advise in a kind way, and for sharing your stories :-)
I had started off avoiding this thread - but then I re-read your OP
[ In Reply To ..]and the "little twerp" statement just jumped out at me. Maybe it's because Mother's Day is coming up and that elicits mixed emotions inside me; I don't know. But for all your venting, what I think you really wanted was support to justify turning your back on him. None of us here have walked in your shoes, know what you have put up with, but what jumped off the page at me was a total disconnect of maternal empathy/sympathy.
My mom had to finally wash her hands and stop trying to help my brother. He got along okay after that. The final straw had been when he showed up at her home and confronted her in the driveway with a gun. She told him don't come back, justifiably so.
He was a normal kid before the head injury at age 16. It changed him forever. First he started with drugs and drinking. During his divorce, he was diagnosed with manic depression (now called bipolar disorder). This was not part of who he was before the accident. He was more and more out of control. My parents tried letting him live with them, they paid for him to live somewhere. When he had a kid, they paid for a sitter/housekeeper to help the small family for the first few years. Then my dad died and the ex-wife kidnapped the boy to live in Holland (never came back) - and he tried a head-on collision in the car. He was in a coma for two months and after that the organic brain syndrome got worse and worse until bipolar disorder was schizophrenia. He hated the adult he had become. He knew there was some disease racking his body, and in his final suicide attempt allowed it to kill him by refusing to go for any medical care.
My mother never ever called my brother a "little twerp." She had empathy and sympathy for what he had been through. She had to disassociate from him, hated the things he did, the disrespect he heaped on her shoulders - but she never disrespected him by calling him names.
So if you want to vent, go ahead. I won't support your disrespect of your son. I'm sorry your family is going through this and wish he could/would seek proper care so his life has some measure of quality before it is too late and you bury him and clean out his house and find all his writings where he tried to keep himself sane like we did.
Blessings to your son. I wish the best for him. I wish you wished him that as well.
I in no way felt disrespect for my son - cloverport
[ In Reply To ..]"Twerp" is a nick name we throw back and forth in our family when they have done something such as scare us or poke fun at us. I am sorry you took it that way. If I disrespected him, I would not be going without sleep, eating, and seriously gaining an ulcer here. I love him with all my heart, and I as his mother want the best for him... but he has to want it himself, and apparently he doesn't. He wants to project blame on everyone else in his life (his father, me, his sister, his ex-wife, etc.). I honestly feel that until he comes to grips with all that has happened is due to his choices in life, he will not move on with his life.
replace those will not statements with - cannot
[ In Reply To ..]He may not be able to move on. He may not have a choice in wanting something better for himself. People seem to assume that everyone around them has a choice about how the world is perceived. Someone with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, organic brain disease is not able to make good choices, want things to be better for him/herself. You will always be frustrated if you don't change your perspective of his ability to make choices.
Ok miss psychosocial expert - who obviously
[ In Reply To ..]Does not have a child of her own that has made life threatening decisions, gotten themself into bad situations and circumstances that have effected their livelihood and will continue to negatively impact their future & on top of it acted out abusively torward you.
How many sleepless nights have you had? Losing weight & shedding tears on the count of you being worried and stressed for your son or daughter? You sound like a person who has never walked in the shoes of a parent with a troubled child. Your opinions are harsh, hurtful & judgmental.
you can deduce all that about me? - blocking psychic powers
[ In Reply To ..]You are over-thinking what I wrote. I had a brother who could NOT make better choices for himself. His brain was damaged. It was not until we changed our perception of his inability to act like a "normal" person that we were able to accept the adult he had become. Didn't mean we had to like what he did, but it allowed us to better cope with his words and deeds.
Whether or not you allow yourself to feel peace now is a personal choice, not mine to make for you.
As to all the other things you said, you have absolutely no idea of my life or what my experiences are. You don't like my responses to you and are trying to be "harsh, hurtful & judgmental" in your own right.
Did saying all that really make you feel better? I have to tell you, they didn't phase me.
Funny thing is, your remarks weren't - directed at me. SM
[ In Reply To ..]I'm not the OP, just an observer CAN relate. You are absolutely right in that I know nothing about you or your experience, just as you know absolutely nothing about the OP's - Other than what she posted. Yet, you assumed she did not wish her son well? Sounds a little hypocritical to me.
yes her comments were hypocritical - not mine
[ In Reply To ..]She really bashed her son in all her posts, spewing a lot of venom about his behavior since he was a teenager. He is now 39 and she is still worked up to no end over things. I wished blessings on her son; she had nothing but venom towards him. She posted how they dumped him in another state at the age of 17 and is surprised at the emotional cripple they created, wanting us to lend a soothing word. My criticism is not that he turned out the way he has, but ask how could he not turn out any other way with parents behaving the way they have towards him - rejecting him, blaming him, offering no comfort, strong direction or intervention for him.
She won't find peace until she wants peace, and that peace comes from inside, not from an anonymous chat board with words from strangers. She isn't going to change the situation when she won't change how she is dealing with the situation.
You can relate, ergo, you need to find some inner peace as well, because you aren't demonstrating much of it yourself. I'm no saint, but it seems I harbor less ill will towards others, even strangers on an anonymous chat board.
Unbelievable - How can you.....
[ In Reply To ..]Imply that this woman does not have well wishes for her son? That is an awful thing to say to a hurting parent. Yes, she called him a twerp, but that in no way means that she does not live and want the best for her son. She & her husband have paid his bills and have continued to do for him. And shes been working with him to help him get his disability - All this despite the verbal abuse and hurtful things their son has posted on Facebook.
If they are not demonstrating the fact that they wish him well then I don't know what the heck you call it. People often say things when they're hurting and the OP obviously is. But in no way did I get the impression that she doesn't wish the best for her son.
The last sentence of your post was downright mean.
Cloverport - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I don't think you are seeing the reality of this.
Your son may have been obnoxious before, but now has a brain injury. You are describing it very clearly. So is he. Please look up "traumatic brain injury."
He can't work at his old job. He can't drive. He feels terrible. His family has abandoned him. He isn't making that up.
Sounds like he needs to be in rehab and therapy. If he was ever in the military, I would suggest taking him to the VA, because they have programs for it. If not, find one in the private sector.
Sounds like he needs a less hazardous job. How about yard work? Detailing cars? Something therapeutic like baking Jason's Homemade Bread?
Sounds like he needs a place to live. How about a spare bedroom? How about a bicycle?
Cloverport - mtinmi
[ In Reply To ..]I read your son's post. As much as he has hurt you, it saddens me to read how he feels. He is scared. That does not justify his treatment to you and his dad. He may be suffering from PTSD but has not seen the right physician/neurologist/psychiatrist to get the type of help he needs. Maybe you can help without him knowing and do so research to find where he can get some help. Regardless boundaries have to be set between the 3 of you. He may have an attitude problem and been rebellious as a younger person, but he does have a heavy load with all that has happened to him traumatically in his short life. I did not see anything negative towards you or his dad. I don't know what state you are in but maybe there is some type of social service help there. I am sorry you had to read some of the snarky responses here as that is the last thing you need. You have to decide what is best for you in terms of what you want to do. I will keep your family in my prayers and ask God to help you and your family through this time of darkness to find the light that once again brings happiness into your home and hearts.
tried - cloverport
[ In Reply To ..]Tried the spare bedroom...it was disastrous. My husband has even offered to travel the 15 miles one way to pick him up, bring him back here to help him around here (mow grass, work on motorcycles -- which both love to do). My husband offered to pay him $100 a day to do these things (even though he owes us money...). He has a bicycle, but refuses to use it. I can walk less than a block and get a job at a local gas station, working behind the counter, but he states this is beneath him. What else are we to do?
I have never understood the "blood is thicker than water" - sm
[ In Reply To ..]phrase. I cut my entire family out of my life after I was molested by 2 brothers, came out with it and mom laughed, sister said I was lying and only "non evil" brother did not believe me either. If you have to, cut him out completely. Just MO.
Disrespectful son - Karen
[ In Reply To ..]I just happened to stumble upon this post and OH HOW IT SPEAKS TO ME!!! I feel your pain, as a Mom, b/c I have a son who will turn 29 the middle of this month and only recently told me I was 'dead to him.' In short, I was a single Mom raising him and struggling when my stepfather passed away from CA and my mother asked "us" to move in with her. It sounded like a good idea at the time but was probably the worst mistake I have ever made in my life. I worked long hours and she pretty much took over my son. If I told my son "no" she would just wait until I went to work and then let him do whatever he wanted. When I finall did wrangle control back from her the damage was already set in place. It only got worse as time went on. He doesn't do drugs (not that I am aware of) but does drink and cannot seem to create a meaningful relationship or maintain one with a female, I think, in large part due to no one wanting to wait on him hand and foot like his Grandma does. In fact, he still lives with her. He hasn't ever had to cook his own meals, clean a home/apartment, pay anything other than his truck payment and insurance or do his own laundry. I tried over and over to get her to back off and let ME 'raise' him but it was no use. He is EVERYTHING to her and all he sees is how 'good' she is to him and I am nothing. It hurts me deeply but I am more concerned about what his reaction is going to be when she passes. She is 83 years old and I feel has advanced senile dementia. I think it is going to be like a train hitting a brick wall; he will be lost and devastated and unable to cope.
I guess I have needed to vent, too, but when I read your post I felt compelled to respond to tell you all you can do is keep him in your prayers. That is what I am doing. If he falls, he falls. Tough love is exactly that--tough. God bless you and I wish the very best for you but DON'T let it take YOU (or your husband) down any more roads. Maybe this will be the wake-up call he needs. Best of luck and God bless. XOXOXO
Oh my Karen - cloverport
[ In Reply To ..]Your story about the grandma is soooo my story, the original poster. My apologies, but this is going to be long. Maybe those you don't get where I am coming from, will now.
Jason was very rebellious at the age of 15, lied to his maternal grandma and she took his side. He ran away to live with her. She said she only took him in so he would stay in school, and then she let him quit school at the age of 15. She allowed him to run with friends we would not allow him to run with. He got into drugs at that time (everything you can think of including meth). He got into Satanism. He was a mess.
She took us to court for support and for being unfit parents. We had a 7 year old daughter, who we were afraid the court was going to take away from us because of his lying. It was a nightmare time for us. He was stealing form her, being out for days without her knowing where he was, etc. The behavior that we, as his parents, were trying to deal with before she stuck her nose into it. She took us to court for support, but then when he got beat up so badly at the age of 16 over a bad drug deal and when he almost lost an eye, she wanted us to pay for his hospital bills, which of course we did. Then, she basically threw him out on his ear because she was unable to tolerate his behavior anymore. All the while, she is being disrespectful to us along with my son. He came running back to us after 3 years, and we took him back in (at the time not knowing all he had been into the year he was with her). Then, the nightmare really started. We had his drug friends hanging around our house. He would be sneaking drugs out to them via his bedroom window, or they would be sneaking drugs to him through the window. He was even more disrespectful when he came back. My husband was a truck driver, and I and my little girl were alone with this mess at the time. My husband finally said enough. No, he didn't throw him out. He left his job, took Jason to Alaska to try to get the kid straightened out. YES, my husband the horrible father in Jason's eyes, left a good job of over 11 years and took him to Alaska to get him away from his drug friends and try to spend more time with him and get his straightened out. Of course, Jason found his like of friends (rebels just like him), in the little town of Skagway, Alaska. My husband was gone for almost 4 months in Alaska with my son, as my daughter and I were alone back home in Indiana. My husband only left because his father had a heart attack back home, and he needed to come home. My husband was going to leave Jason in Alaska because he was not yet 18 (had 3 months to go), because he was at his wits end with this rebel (he and one of his friends broke into a store and stole items and money). The people in Skagway told my husband no way are you leaving that kid here. So, on the way back home, driving mind you, from Alaska to Indiana. My husband asked him where he wanted to be dropped off because he was not coming back home (my husband was thinking of our little girl, and that she no longer needed to be around this mess). He said Nebraska, as he had a drug friend there. My husband told him he did not want to see his face back home in Indiana until he was 18, and we were no longer legally responsible for him, as this kid had nearly bankrupted us by then. My husband gave him the car they were driving, walked across town and bought another car and drove home. He wasn't home 3 weeks, and Jason, who had no driver's license, headed home, and sure enough as soon as he was back in the state, he was arrested for getting in trouble. This pattern of him getting in trouble, us taking him back in, him literally pooping on us, etc., continued for the next 18 years. He finally married a wonderful girl and had his own daughter. He continued in the same behavior, on and off... then the accident.... then us again trying to be there for him. I know I shouldn't even mention this, because people would say, well you shouldn't put a money value on things, and I only mention this for some to understand. We sold him our family home, the home he grew up in, for approximately $50,000 less than it appraised for. We gave him $10,000 of equity that he was to repay us over 5 years. After the accident, we made his house payments, utility bills, bought new tires for his car, the list goes on and on and on. Never a thank you from him .... NEVER!!!! His wife thanked us. We have continued to help him out financially, only for him to disrespect his father ...... SOOOOO, that being said this behavior was way before his accident... We are getting older now, we are tired and worn out.
Maternal grandma - cloverport
[ In Reply To ..]Sorry folks the flood gates have opened. This "maternal grandma," my mother could not raise her own kids. I raised my brother and sister basically from the time I was 8 years old. She was seldom home... would leave us alone for days with no food in the house. My brother was 6 and my baby sister was not even walking yet. Then, she would come back home after being gone for 3 or 4 days at a time and act as if nothing had happened. I married at 16, I think subconsciously to get away from her. When I was 9 years old, probably because she was not there in the home, a neighbor man raped me. I didn't tell anyone about it. I knew she wouldn't care, wouldn't be there to support me. I was alone physically and mentally. Finally, after my husband got tired of being woke up in the middle of the night from my nightmares, did he confront me at the age of 42, asking me what happened to me when I was younger. I finally opened up, went to counseling. I confronted my mother with it and this is what she said... are ya ready... she said, "Oh my, that happened to both my girls." No feeling whatsoever. I didn't know that my little sister had been raped after I left the home. I was heartbroken... that I wasn't there to protect her. This is the woman who tried to take my children away from me.... this is the woman who had an influence on my son. I have not talked to my mother since... do not care to. When all of this was going on with Jason, we had a meeting with her at a public park because she is very mean and nasty. She was horrible toward me. My husband told me to go to the car, that I did not need to take the abuse from her anymore. He then turned to my mom and told her that she could stop all of this right now, and if she didn't she would be a very, very lonely old woman. His prediction has come true. No one wants anything to do with her. None of her family (brothers or sisters), and none of her children or grandchildren want anything to do with her. Having a relationship with her is very toxic.
This is an - Nina
[ In Reply To ..]appropriate "take a note" moment for mothers. If your kid is around 14-15, rebelling out of his/her skin, doing drugs and what not, try to support him/her till 18 years of age and then kick him/her out of your life if he/she fails to mend his/her way.
I know, where was the appropriate intervention - when he was young?
[ In Reply To ..]He needed a CHIN (Child In Need of Supervision)intervention by the court. You never made him face his consequences, conducted an appropriate intervention, left him in a state unsupervised by a guardian and tell him don't come back...and then complain about the adult he became.
Doh.
WHAT THE HECK - cloverport
[ In Reply To ..]You have no freaking idea what you are stinking talking about woman!!! We did not leave him in the custody of an unsupervised guardian.... SHE TOOK HIM! We had no say at the time. Man, I wish I never came on here for advice. You don't know the whole story... so go jump. Jason was raised in a good home, he went to a good school, he was not a problem until he turned around 14, then he began to rebel. We were trying to deal with it, and he did not like it, so he ran away to his grandmother's home. We did not tell him not to come back.... he didn't want to come back, because he was getting everything his way with her. I am so glad your life has been so rosie.... DOH!!!!!
this is what I meant - your words, not mine
[ In Reply To ..]"We did not tell him not to come back.... he didn't want to come back, because he was getting everything his way with her."
You are his parents. You allowed him to go live with her. You DID NOT TELL HIM TO COME BACK.
You failed him.
BULL@#$#! - cloverport
[ In Reply To ..]The courts were involved.... we tried to get him back.... he was LYING to his grandmother ....... court sided with her.... WE DID NOT FAIL HIM..... We tried everything we could. I would sit down the street from where she lived, just to see him get off the school bus, when she did have him.... I cried and had nightmares when he ran away, worrying about him.... I cried and started to have failing health myself at the time.... I cried when he was in a coma for almost 3 stinking months, not knowing if he was going to live or not.... if he would be a vegetable.... I CRIED... PRAYED... LOVED....
You have no idea....So... take your snarky %#@@ comments and keep them to yourself. .... as I go and cry now, because I cannot believe there are such heartless people in the world.....
If I could remember my post password this post would be deleted.
Have a nice day.
WHAT THE HECK!!! IS RIGHT!!!! - Karen
[ In Reply To ..]Don't let those naysayers get you down. I am TOTALLY on your side. My son's Grandma (as I said in my earlier posts) TOTALLY RUINED this kid!!!
They don't know what you (or I) have been through and never will. Don't give them the time of day or a second thought; go enjoy your life GUILT-FREE!!! God bless.
I actually do get what she is saying - but that is beside the point
[ In Reply To ..]The point is other people than you have an opinion. You don't like that opinion, and that is fine. You did to your son the same thing she did to hers - not being your child's fiduciary and allowing grandma to "take" your child. Grandparent rights are not protected by the US constitution and upheld by state laws, but parental rights are. If you chose to exercise your parental rights and responsibilities, that was your choice. But when you fail to be your child's fiduciary and then want stranger support for your choices, you have to accept the fall out from those choices. That fall out is people not agreeing with your choices.
A child under the age of 18 (or 19 in some states) doesn't get to "run away" and never be "asked" to return to the parental home. They are children, you are the parent. Act like one by protecting and nurturing your child, not tossing him out on his ear in a state you happen to be driving thru.
You have no idea what interventions - were taken..SM
[ In Reply To ..]She wrote a single post, not a detailed book. There is not enough information in her original post to make that assumption.
full of details - shonuff
[ In Reply To ..]I didn't write this - the OP poster did in a separate post further in the thread:
"So, on the way back home, driving mind you, from Alaska to Indiana. My husband asked him where he wanted to be dropped off because he was not coming back home (my husband was thinking of our little girl, and that she no longer needed to be around this mess). He said Nebraska, as he had a drug friend there. My husband told him he did not want to see his face back home in Indiana until he was 18, and we were no longer legally responsible for him, as this kid had nearly bankrupted us by then. My husband gave him the car they were driving, walked across town and bought another car and drove home. He wasn't home 3 weeks, and Jason, who had no driver's license, headed home, and sure enough as soon as he was back in the state, he was arrested for getting in trouble."
Her husband gave a 17 yo minor the option of which state he wanted the dad to abandon him in, gave the kid (who had no driver's license) a car and left him in a location that was four states away from the boy's home, telling him don't come back home until the kid was 18 years old.
I don't call that an intervention.
I call that abandonment and grounds for criminal charges against the parents.
For all of those - cloverport
[ In Reply To ..]who think they know it all. I pray you are never in our shoes. I pray you never come on this board for advise. Man, did I learn a lesson. Snarky women or what? I needed some assurance, some help... This is to all of you who have never been in my shoes, who think they should win a mother of the year award.
First of all, - Nina
[ In Reply To ..]expecting favorable advice on a free-to-all board is an oxymoron. Secondly, you made the decision amongst yourselves to support your kid from that rebel age of his up until now. Why backtrack now? If you want to call quits, then talk with your hubby and do so. You have to be at peace with whatever you decide, not anyone else.
For your sake, you might try Al-Anon - NYMT
[ In Reply To ..]I'm a little surprised that in this whole thread not one person mentioned this. You need support for yourself to detach emotionally from his drama and figure out how to back off and let his deal with his consequences. Even if he has traumatic brain injury, he's still an addict and and has all the mannerisms and manipulative behavior of an addict. You can't change him. You already know that. But you can get help for yourself and people to talk to, vent to, and share ideas.
Please consider Al-Anon. It could do you a world of good to have a weekly place to go and someone to call. God bless you. I hope you find serenity.
Similar Messages:
What Is The Answer To Handling ISIS?Sep 16, 2014
I've read a lot of bickering about this topic and yet I have yet to see someone give an answer or at least a good suggestion of what to do. We never should have gotten rid of Saddam Hussein. Yes...he was a dictator and treated his people poorly but he also kept extremists like ISIS out of Iraq. We went in and got rid of Hussein and the extremists have taken over that country. We got rid of Bin Laden and that hasn't stopped the craziness. We got rid of Mu ...
Yemen's Handling Of Ex-Gitmo PrisonersNov 29, 2009
ADEN, YEMEN -- Two years ago, Mohsin al-Askari was released from his prison cell at Guantanamo Bay, but he has found neither freedom nor a new life in his homeland. Potential employers are afraid to hire him. At 28, he depends on his father for financial support, charities for medical care. With each rejection, his frustration grows, as does the temptation to return to his old life of jihad. "The government hasn't done anything to help me," said Askari, his voice filled with bitterness. ...
Hillary Clinton Is Under Investigation Again For Her Handling OfJun 21, 2017
The former Secretary of State and her aides could have their security clearances revoked Clinton and her staffers still have security clearances which could be revoked depending on the outcome of the investigation The inquiry will be looking into whether Clinton and her aides violated government rules with her use of a private email server Senate Judiciary Committee Chair Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa, confirmed the State Department's formal inquiry Clinton's spokesman, Nick Merrill, said: ...
10 Voices Weigh In On Handling Long-Term DebtMar 08, 2011
Finally, some people with some sense. They are: 1. Rep. Mike Kelly, (R), PA 2. Rep. Dave Cicilline (D), RI 3. Rep. Colleen Hanabusa (D), Hawaii 4. Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D), NY 5. Bill Gates, Microsoft 6. George Allen, Former VA Gov. (R) and Senator 7. Joe Scarborough, MSNBC 8. Glenn Hubbard, Dean of Columbia Business School. 9. Joe Stiglitz, former Chief Economist at The World Bank 10. Andrew Sorkin, NY Times Read what they have to say. ...
Handling Of Iran Versus Israel In ISIS ThreatSep 30, 2014
Netanyahu did his best yesterday to equate Iran with Hamas with ISIS--now will the administration buy it and go back to protect Israel at any cost or are we going to negotiate with Muslim countries to defeat ISIS? If we don't negotiate with Muslim countries for this objective, I think it will definitely take a land invasion to get this done (otherwise labelled World War III). I don't think the rest of the "coalition" is up for that--just don't think they will show up. ...
Adult ADDApr 22, 2016
I was recently diagnosed with adult onset of ADD. I've been doing a lot of research and found that this is quite common, it's not just for kids anymore. As an MT, it is important for us to concentrate on what we are doing and be able to multitask; i.e. listening, interpreting, typing, correcting, etc. I have started to find this extremely difficult for several months now to the point where when I'm listening to some of these monotone, obnoxious dictators that my mind b ...
Wow. That's A Lot For A Relatively Healthy Young AdultJan 21, 2011
Dictated: Patient has been in the hospital 1 or 2 times in the past. ASR: Patient has been in the hospital 102 times in the past. ...
Adult Sibling Rivalry?Sep 23, 2012
My youngest brother, "Rick," is a 50-year-old doctor, never been married, and a loner (not in the bad crazy sense, just isn't that interested in people). For the past few years all holidays have been at his house because Rick doesn't like to be away from home (I think he might have some anxiety issues, but he uses his medical practice as a reason for not wanting to go anywhere). Rick lives about 2 hours from each of us. His house is very nice, but all the work of bringin ...
Halloween Costume Ideas For Adult?Oct 19, 2009
Anyone have any good (and easy) costume ideas for an adult? I'm in a chilly part of the country. Thx! ...
Any Young Adult Fiction Readers Out There?Dec 29, 2013
I love getting engrossed in books and lately I cannot find one. Any other young adult fiction fans have some suggestions? I loved the V.C. Andrews older books, never could really get into the series within the last five years or so, they changed. I absolutely LOVED the Twilight Series and read it a few times, which is against what I do, I never usually read a book more than once. I also really enjoyed 50 Shades of Grey, the first one, but couldn't get into the second ...
Dating Again - Issue With Adult ChildrenJul 12, 2016
I was divorced about 12 years ago. I dated a little, but have had NO dates in the last 10 years. Recently I met a wonderful man. Things have progressed wonderfully and we are now in a serious, committed relationship. I have 2 adult children who live with me. My son is 26, my daughter is 22. They are causing major problems. They REFUSE to spend any time with my new boyfriend. They DEMAND I tell them when he is coming over, so they can hide in their room ...
Menu Ideas For Young Adult Gathering.Jan 06, 2010
Please toss out some ideas to me! My son's girlfriend is turning 20 this weekend, and he is inviting some friends of theirs to our house to watch movies and hang out. They're all home from college and are great young folks. I offered to make some food for them, which of course he was pleased to hear. I asked him for ideas, but he just said, "Oh, mom, you know everyone likes anything you make." Nice compliment, but I need more specifics. I want to mak ...
Mother Of An Addicted Adult Child, Trying To Practice Tough Love.Jul 11, 2015
Seriously. I am always amazed when my heart physically hurts in my chest. I feel horrible and alone all at the same time. I can't stop crying, or worrying, or wondering what I should have done different. My heart goes out to anyone else going through the same. ...