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Perfection From Our Children

Posted: Feb 18, 2012

Most people are worried when they're kids are "out of control." Okay, that's a concern.

What about when they are walking around tryiing to be perfect for parents' with ridiculous expectations? A note below sparked the thought. A kid who is doing competitive gymnastics (a horror in my mind), plus horseback riding, dancing, singing in a chorus, on and on is not being a kid. When would there be time for THAT?

Gymnastics, in my opinion, is a horror. Little perfect skinny beings. Can we spell eating disorder? Dancing? Not as bad, but perfect little body. Nothing lower than a B-grade? Perfection only, a recipe for some serious issues, eating disorder in the mix, burning out before finishing their goals. Little perfects are not happy, no matter how big the smile or how perfect their little routines to please mommy and daddy.

Yes, I've seen it happen.

;

I agree about the over-emphasis on sports - Trampled underfoot

[ In Reply To ..]
We have friends whose kids are involved in EVERYTHING. All kinds of sports, all year round. Basketball, soccer, lacrosse, etc. Plus there are 4 of them and the parents spend all their after-school time running them from here to there, dropping them off individually and then running here and there to pick each one up.

I don't get it. I preferred that my kids play with each other - go outside, play, get some fresh air, do kid stuff, not this constant adult-organized nonsense.

It is not always because of the parents... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I have 5 children and it was THERE choice and what THEY wanted to do. My oldest played basketball, softball, track, and soccer..all things she ASKED to do, so we complied, the 2nd did track, volleyball, and basketball, same reason...3rd did football, basketball, and track..again, what HE want to do...4th did dance, soccer, and softball..what she wanted to do, and the 5th is only one, but she will be able to do what SHE wants to do.

Do not assume that it is the parent making the decision, as in my case, it was not. The ONLY thing we require is that they maintain a 3.0 grade point average and then they can do whatever they want. I think it keeps them active, healthy, and happy, taught them,about winning and losing, helped with social skills including sharing, respect for others among other things. We now have 2 in college 4 and 2 years respectively, one in the Air Force, and 2 still at home...10 and 1 year olds. Just another prospective.

Nonetheless, I would have limited it... - Trampled underfoot

[ In Reply To ..]
Even if it was what they wanted to do, I would have limited it once it got to the point that all you are is a chauffeur running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Or once it disrupted your family's time together - no time to eat meals together, etc. I think there is a lot of peer pressure to join all these sports ("everyone else is joining!), that I'm not sure how much of it IS an independent choice on your child's part.

But you don't really know, do you? - My son is very young and he

[ In Reply To ..]
is involved in martial arts and just asked to do baseball. I will comply because it makes him happy and it keeps him active. The schools only do PE twice a week and he only gets one 20 minute recess at school. I guess that he could stay home and play a video game, but if he wants to do soccer and baseball and martial arts, as long as he is able to keep up in school, why do you feel that it has anything at all to do with you? My son is 5, he is healthy and happy. When he gets older, if he is at the ballfield or in the gym sparring, at least I know that he isn't somewhere having sex or doing drugs, right? I was a busy kid. I played soccer, volleyball and softball, did cheerleading and participated in rodeo. I loved every minute and was NOT unhappy.

what...limit THEIR happiness and fun??? - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Why, because YOU have a problem? It did NOT disrupt my family and our time together...we were TOGETHER all the time. Do you have children? If so, I feel sorry for them. My kids were HAPPY! They are now SUCCESSFUL, respectful children because they did not have so much free time that they were running the streets getting in trouble as we allowed them to something THEY enjoyed. YOU have a problem!

I agree... - Silly Girl

[ In Reply To ..]
My child does taekwondo - and not just one time a week. He TRAINS Olympic style 5 nights a week. He is 10. Him and I travel all over the country (was just out of state this past weekend) for his competitions. The only thing I ask/require out of him is to maintain A's and B's on his report card and do his chores around the house. He is a happy kid and very well rounded. As long as the child is not overwhelmed, I see nothing wrong with them participating in sports to the extent they do now-a-days.

I might add... - Silly Girl

[ In Reply To ..]
that my child also is very active in his youth group at church, is also in Cotillion and plays soccer.

Perfection - Concerned Person

[ In Reply To ..]
I never said it was the parent's decision. I said the KIDS felt they had to do it.

I'm not talking a sport or 2, or expecting reasonable grades, or taking up a piano lesson, but it's over the top that gets me worried. Who are they doing this for? Nobody should be "expected" to do gymnastics, dance, horseback riding, chorus. That's either the kid feeling OBLIGATED to the parent, or the kid not wanting to stick around the house at all. Most of the time, they kid would say (if they dare) they'd rather hang out once in a while.

Lighten up, parents. You're probably the type that would have a hissy fit if your kid slept in until 9 a.m. on a day off.

What makes you think that you know better than - anyone else?

[ In Reply To ..]
I think that people who allow their children to get grades lower than B's are doing them a disservice, but I also understand that just because it is not my way does not necessarily make it wrong. Maybe that's a lesson that you could look into.

Um, Not all kids are "A" Material, hello? - Make Them Feel Inferior, Why Don't you?

[ In Reply To ..]
Geez, you people must have some happy kids, anything less than an A and they're an idiot? Nice.Won't you all be surprised when the kid burns out, ends up on drugs, or lands in a nut house.

I believe that I said that B's were okay. - Again, just because it's not your way

[ In Reply To ..]
does not make it wrong. Won't you be surprised when your kid pumps mine's gas?

Pumping Gas - I'm Not a Snob

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm not a snob and don't expect my kid to be a snob. If he has a talent other than executive or "talent" material, then that is my kid and I love him DESPITE.

What I do expect is for my kid to do his or her VERY BEST in whatever they endeavor, as long as it't not illegal or immoral.

THAT raises a happy kid, not someone doing someone ele's aspirations.

You really think that ending up in a dead-end, - minimum wage, job is going

[ In Reply To ..]
to make your child happy in the long run? At any rate, I love my children unconditionally, but what is the harm in having them strive to be the best that they can be. I do feel that every child can maintain B's in school and those who don't, chose not to. I don't see how that is more harmful to a child's self esteem than telling him that it's okay, I guess he's just to stupid to do well. My children know that I believe in them and that I expect a certain level of achievement and, guess what? Not only can they deliver, they do.

Not All KIds Are A/B Students - Not Perfect

[ In Reply To ..]
Not all kids are A/B students is all I'm saying. You're the ones who are making them feel DUMB if they don't make the grade.

I have always maintained in my mind that our children need to absolutely DO THEIR BEST. But too often, THEIR BEST is the parent's dream.

I'd rather have a C-average kid (nope, don't have kids) who is fun-loving and relaxed, then an anal A/B student cuz mom/dad said so.

And there it is---you don't have kids. - I guess that maybe it is okay

[ In Reply To ..]
with some people for their kids to get average grades, but my kids are not average. I understand that not all kids are A/B students, but I truly believe that the vast majority of them have the ability to be. Why not teach my children to make the best of their potential? I suppose that I am a horrible person for wanting my children to grow up to be responsible, contributive, members of society, but maybe our country would not be in the mess it is currently in if more people felt the way that I do.

OMG! She is not even a parent!!! - give me a break. sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I am the lady in the post below who explained that my girls were in chorus, horseback riding, swim team, softball, skating, dancing etc. They were pretty much allowed most privileges if they delivered good grades, AND THEY DID.

ANY PARENT would realize that these activities for 2 kids over a period of 11-12 years IS NOT excessive.

ANY PARENT also knows that this does not mean I expect "perfection" from them. They were pretty bad at some of the things they chose to do, but that does not matter - they deserved to try. I was right there cheering them on no matter how bad they were.

ANY PARENT knows that if you do not keep your kids busy and stay involved in their lives, there is trouble on the street just waiting for them. Depending on where you live, organized activities is the ideal solution for kids.

ANY PARENT knows that these things the kids choose to do gives them a well-rounded childhood. No, the PARENT does not always enjoy the responsibilities of these things, but you ARE the parent and it is your job to support them whether they are good at it or not.

ANY PARENT knows not all kids are capable of all A's and B's, but you do expect and demand their best, whatever that may be. Again, it is your responsibility as a parent to push them when they get lazy because they can not see how it will benefit them in the future.

ANY PARENT knows that the opinions of someone who has not walked in our shoes and, in fact, is not even a parent, matters so very little.

So, What You're Saying Is... - Not a Parent

[ In Reply To ..]
...a kid can't be a kid, they have to perform? And why would they be out on the street IF YOU'RE HOME TO WATCH THEM? Are these activities baby-sitters for you?

Correct, I'm not a parent but I would spend every precious moment I could with them, not ship them out elsewhere under the guise of making them well-rounded or whatever it is you think you're doing.

You get to know your kid by actually sitting with them, talking with them, getting into their little heads. Okay, send them to an activity, karate or dance lessons, but let then let it be. Music is what I would choose. It's good for the soul--piano, or other instrument. Doesn't matter, but you have your kids flitting around all over the place.

You just keep digging yourself in deeper, don't you. - I will try once more to explain

[ In Reply To ..]
First of all, I did not "ship my kids out" anywhere. I took them to all activities and stayed there with them. Some things they did were "performing," yes. But again, these activities were THEIR CHOICE. What is it you do not understand about that? There was no baby-sitting. They played, performed, whatever because THEY WANTED TO! And whether you understand or not, that is part of "a kid being a kid." There is no "guise." And, having been a parent for 30 years, yes, I do KNOW WHAT I AM DOING! It is appalling that you would even offer an opinion on that.

As I posted before, I did spend time with them every night at dinner, with the TV off (controlling rule) so that I could LISTEN TO THEM, and "get inside their little heads."

And BTW, you would "choose music." Honey, it is not YOUR CHOICE. It is the child's choice. Don't you get it?? At any rate, you would have your kid "perform?" Aren't you being just a little hypocritical by saying I have my kids "flitting around all over the place," but it would be okay for YOU to choose music for your kid, which you do not even have!!! And what do you mean by having them take lessons, and then let it be? Being a parent is a 24/7 job whether it is talking to them, spending time with them, doing activities that they choose, homework, etc.

Your post, and you being childless, it just about one of the most ridiculous posts I have seen and, sadly, you do not even realize what you are talking about, or the fact that you are embarrassing yourself.

Have a couple of kids and get back to me in about 8-10 years. Nuff said.

Not a parent - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
You really should stick to posting opinions on topics you know something about because you seem to be clueless on parenting.

"You would choose music, piano or an instrument." Is that not performing? Plus, you should not be the one to choose.

As far as spending as much time with them as you can. What makes you think a child wants to spend every waking moment with their parent? They do have friends and activities they enjoy more than your company 100% of the time. Again, a well rounded childhood.

Parents give up or sacrifice a great deal of their time for these activities that their children choose to do. It does not matter if it is sports, music, skating, anything.... You do this for your children. That is your job as a parent, to be involved, to make them happy with what they choose, not you. It is just not realistic to think that parents should keep their children at home all the time, besides going to school. They learn to win, to lose, responsibility to a team, social skills, and have fun while they do it. Parents should definitely be supporting this.

And yes, I would have a fit if my kid slept - until 9 on a day off.

[ In Reply To ..]
But that is my decision because he is MY kid. There is no reason to sleep half of the day away.

9 a.m. is Half the Day? - Aren't we a tad controlling?

[ In Reply To ..]
LOL. Someone here said it: The Kids Choose Your Nursing Home

And mine will be able to afford a good one. - How 'bout yours?

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

Point is... - Who Says He'll Choose a Nice One?

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

You imply that I am unkind to my children, which - is not the case.

[ In Reply To ..]
The truth is that I have taken up martial arts, since my son has been involved, but really had no prior interest. I can think of many many things I would rather do than watch a
tee ball game, but I'll be there to cheer him on because it is what he wants to do. If I had my druthers, he would be into horses and want to learn to rope. That is what I am interested in, but he shows very little interest in horseback riding. If I were the big meanie that you seem to think I am, I would be forcing him to take riding lessons, but the fact is that I want my child to be happy and successful. I am sure that he will choose a nursing home that works just fine for me. Thank you for your concern. More likely, he will let me choose my own nursing home because that is how I raised him.

Good grief. Get over yourselves. This is supposed to be - a forum where we dicuss, not judge.

[ In Reply To ..]
This will probably aggravate a few but others will get it. I played basketball & volleyball and I was in 3 different bands on 5 different instruments. My parents in no way pushed me. I was also in gifted and went to a private college, yet not on a sports scholarship. My opinion is that if your kid truly wants to participate, you need to support him/her. Do not thrust the sport/activity du jour down their throat so you can be a soccer mom or whatever...I played ball because I loved it, but I also loved writing, English, grammar, anatomy, and learning sports med in HS.

That's Fine... - The Not Parent

[ In Reply To ..]
I just get crazy when kids are so involved in activity after activity, they don't even know their own little minds. Then end up with NO CLUE what to do with their future, never even had a second to think about it.

There's a balance is all I'm trying to point across. Of course no kid should be left to their own devices, cripe they'll be into drugs and alcohol at the age of 12.

But let them EXPLORE themselves, not exhaustion. I think activities to the extreme is nonsense.

Dancing does not mean a perfect little body - sm - XXX

[ In Reply To ..]
Kids in the dance studio range from skinny to fat, this is not a Dance Mom's type of place. Most of the kids are in relativey good shape but not all. Classes are just 1 day/1 hour a week. But I am one that drives a bit, my kids are doing somthing almost every day but it does not consume every waking hour of their day. Each kid takes 3 dance classes, but it is for fun and exercise. Neither competes. They participate in the school recital every year which is a big production (3 hour show). One child has 3 dance classes though (on 3 different nights), but is dropping to 2 next year as she is doesn't like the one class this year (it was something she wanted to try, likes it but does not want to continue with it, fine by me), also has 2 clubs at school she is in beta club (like an honor society) and Odyssey of the Mind (competition thing where they take a problem and solve it using a skit they write, act out, etc, big competition for that, goes on all over the world). My other one also has 3 dance classe, all in the same night which makes my life so much easier), and is also in the dance company which is only for 4 months out of the year (Jan-April), and they practice for 4 hours on Friday night and Saturday mornings, yuk, and she is also in Girl Scouts but that is 1 Friday night a week.

Both still have plenty of time to do homework after school, both are straight A students (no they don't spend every waking hour studying either), have plenty of time for friends and family. At least two weekends out of the month one of them is at a sleepover. We do plenty of family things too. It can of course get hectic depending on the day of the week or the time of the year it is, but that is par for the course with kids.

I agree some parents have their kids massively overextended thinking a busy kid is a kid that won't get into trouble. Acquaintance of mine had her kids in 3 different softball leaques, and 2 different swim teams, it was crazy. I felt so bad for those kids, they would do their homework in the car (had at least 2 hours every night), and and night at like 9pm at night. When they hit about 12 they started to complain and now they only do softball and 2 leagues, I think every one is happier there now. Parents were hot for them to get swimming scholarships for college but guess that is out the window now.

Meant to say GS is 1 friday a month (not week) - nm - XXX

[ In Reply To ..]
x

never mind - empire lady

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

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