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Loner as a child and now hardly any friends


Posted: Feb 6, 2014

I spent hours while growing up doing things I enjoyed. I spent hours at my house in the attic looking through big storage trunks that contained so many interesting things to me. I also loved going to a small stream close to my house to watch and collect things like minnows that I tried to grow into a frog, salamanders. Now as an adult I have not really one close friend, no one that I talk with on a regular basis. Am married and that is a close relationship, not lonely because I keep busy with my pets, with reading, surfing the web for interests that I have including Pinterest and Etsy and travel. How many others here perhaps have the same situation? ;

Just - because

[ In Reply To ..]
you are a loner (me too)does not mean you are lonely. I have my pets, my son and my husband. I talk to my sister on the phone (we live far apart). I'm quite satisfied without friends. I consider myself lucky because there are many people who have lots of friends and are lonely. As long as you are comfortable with how you are and not lonely, you have no problem.

Question - Not OP

[ In Reply To ..]
I find it interesting that you listed your pets first, your son second and your husband last. Are you saying your pets come first, your husband last? Just asking, because I know people like that.

I think that would vary from one person/relationship - to the next. - Keypounder

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Yes, just worries me - When people put pets before people-nm
[ In Reply To ..]
xxx
People who value animals are, for the most part, - better people. Nothing wrong with that.
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..
People who value animals - Over humans are not better people-nm
[ In Reply To ..]
xxx
to value an animal does not mean valuing the animal over people. - nm
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I didn' say "over". I said "EQUAL". - And BTW -
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Each situation IS different. If my apartment building was on fire, and I could only save one: My cat, or the guy I don't like who lives above me, guess which one I'm gonna save?
That is simply your - opinion
[ In Reply To ..]
which I happen to think is wrong. My opinion
It worries you - LS
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And the relationship of others to their pets is your business because.....?

That would be me, too. It's my nature and comfy in my own skin. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I've had really close friends in the past both more than one at the same time and also one at a time. And then, there's people who claim pals but not really.

Having 2 sisters close in age to each other, and years later down the line there's me, basically I was raised like an only child.

People do tend to look at me and try to feel sorry for me because I'm a single parent empty nester. I just laugh and say, "Honey, I'm not alone. I LIVE alone, but I'm not alone. No need to 'woe is me' over me." In a consoling to them type of way, warm smile...aka trying real hard not to laugh. I'm not defined by others, but others try to define me all the same. People are funny.

In this world there are so, so many more fulfilling beautful experiences to have outside of relationships, kinships, friendships but do include others, that I'm never lacking with the few true friends and family I do have/enjoy tho not as often, we're all in different states.



Loner as a child, just me and my cat now. - L&L

[ In Reply To ..]
The older I get, the less I worry about having friends. I always wondered if my detachment from people was due to being in an incubator the first 3 days of my life and not really bonding with my mother. Interesting to consider.

My thoughts - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I have a lot of friends, but I'm extremely comfy in my own skin. I have 2 girlfriends I consider myself very close with who I confide in, share feelings---that sort of thing. I have several other friends, but we're more for commaraderie and having a lot of laughs. I love to laugh and I like to hang with fun people.

Everyone is different. I wouldn't want someone to assume I'm not comfortable in my own skin just because I have a lot friends, any more than I would assume you're lonely because you choose not to have a lot of friends. I can spend hours in a day with just me and be perfectly content.

There are some people who CONSTANTLY need people around them, the roar of a crowd, and when they're alone, they're lonely. I can do either and be happy.

I wouldn't trade my alone time or my friend time for anything. I like both.

I do want to add - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
If you are feeling you want some friends, you can find some. At this stage of your life it may seem difficult, but there are churches, hobby groups, reading groups, etc.

I wasn't clear on if you wanted to enter some friends into your life. There's no rule that says you have to, but it's never too late if you do, and it can be nice to have people you can count on. You wouldn't have to get serious, confiding and all that, just some friendship.

Best of luck.

friends - anon

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It is quality, not quantity.
Five well-said words! - Keypounder
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I, too would classify myself as a "loner". - One Is The Easiest Number, Sometimes!

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I could probably count on half the fingers of one hand the number of times in my entire life I've ever been bored. There's just too much to do and think about. I probably had more friends as a child, fewer as I got older because by then people grow apart, and go off in different directions in life.

For a number of years I only had 3 "close" friends: One was my boyfriend (who is now my "ex", though we're still friends), and I had 2 very long-time female friends that both live a long distance away, so nowadays we mostly send XMas cards (when we happen to remember).

I really do need a lot of "me" time - quiet time - to just think and reflect, or do do thinks like what I'm doing right now - reading and posting on MT Stars.

As a child I spent every possible moment with animals. I would walk to my friend's house (the one with an un-spayed female cat), and who always had a litter of kittens scampering about the yard. I'd knock on her door and ask her mom, "Can the kittens come out and play?" I'd spend hours sitting in the bushes, playing with the kittens.

When I got a dog, although I did lots of group walks with her, and went to a few dog shows (she was an obedience trial flunkie!), I also took long, long walks through the neighborhood hills with her alone, or with one other friend who had an Irish setter.

As a teen, I got to have a horse. This was actually a good thing for me socially, because by 10th grade, all my school girlfriends had horses, and would go after school together to go riding, and I'd ride my bike home alone, and draw pictures of horses. Having a horse is a great thing for an introverted girl: Gives her confidence, and is a great equalizer in social pecking orders. It also gave me the option to socialize when I felt like it, riding in the arena or on the trails with friends, or to go off on insanely long solo grail rides. On more than one occasion, I'd be 'way out in the boondocks after dark on my horse alone, and the stable owner would have to get in his truck and come look for me.

Now I work from home, and it can be pretty isolating, if you let it. However, I live in a really great neighborhood, and by being around all the time, have come to know all my neighbors, which is great. The friends I have now get together and do things on the weekend mostly, in a city nearby. Most live in the city, I live about an hour away in a semi-rural area. So that isolates me a bit from being one of the more "inner" people of that circle of friends. Still, they're all good people, and I enjoy their company. We have each others' backs, too, whenever needed.

So that's kind of the best of both worlds: I see people when I want, yet I have the solitude to come home to, so I can "decompress" from the weekend socializing. I live alone (with pets), by choice, even though by choosing that it's a lot harder to make ends meet. But I just can't see my self sharing living quarters with another human, it would be too stressful. If I did, it would have to be in a fairly big house, where I had my own quiet room to retreat to.

I don't ever recall feeling lonely, either, other than maybe the summer all my friends went away to summer camp, and I had to stay home with no one to play with. However, I filled the summer with building projects: Tree houses, home-made wagons and go-karts, painting and drawing, and lots of reading. I was also a wanderer, and my trusty JC Higgins balloon-tired, 1-speed bike took me far beyond the neighborhood boundaries my parents had set for me. (LOL - I mean, 'WAY beyond!) They, too used to have to come looking for me when I'd strayed too far for too long. I was always getting grounded for going AWOL!

I've never been able to afford to travel much, but when I do, I prefer to go alone. That way I can go where I want, at my own speed, and see what I want to see, for as long as I want to see it, without having to "entertain" a traveling partner. I've traveled abroad that way a few times, and have done some wonderful solo car trips throughout the Western US, often without an itinerary. I'd just load myself and my mountain bike into my car, and point it Eastward, usually towards the Rockies, or North towards Oregon and Washington.

Surfing the web has become a true addiction for me. But I don't consider it too much of a "bad" addiction, because what I'm doing is just filling up a thirst for knowledge, and for answers to questions. I love how you can find answers to things at the click of a mouse, rather than having to drive to a library, look up the books you're interested in, find them, and then plunk yourself down between two homeless guys (they all seem to live at the library) to read the books.

I love Facebook, and am an Etsy addict, as well. I've bought some lovely jewelry pieces on Etsy, and have all sorts of ideas for artistic crafts to make and maybe sell on Etsy, myself. And don't even get me started on eBay! Next to the local thrift store, what better place to get almost everything you need at a great price?

I liked your story about going to the small stream - I used to do that, too. One time I brought home a can full of pollywogs (just-hatched, future frogs). I kept them in the laundry room. Then I forgot about them for a couple weeks, and when I happened upon the water-filled bowl I'd been keeping them in, it was filled with tiny, almost tail-less baby frogs! I used to bring home all manner of things: Baby birds that had fallen from the nest, baby rabbits, a king snake (my mother freaked out because she thought it was a coral snake... she didn't believe me when I tried to explain the difference). Also lots of kittens.

I also had a thing about rocks. (Long story - goes back to my ancestors, I think!) I was always lugging rocks home with me. One time I found a huge, probably 80-100 pound, rounded small boulder that I decided I absolutely MUST have! I spent about a week, going out to the woods daily and ROLLING that thing out of the woods, across a field, and up to the curb next to the street. Then I got my red wagon, made a ramp so the boulder could be rolled into the wagon, and dragged it home with me. I no sooner had unloaded it, than my mom said, "Oh, no - you can't keep that thing!" But of course I did, because I didn't take it back, and no one else wanted to!

Anway, I think the word "loner" gets an unfairly bad rap. They always use that word to describe the latest serial killer or theater massacre perpetrator. Yet most people neglect to notice that most of us have a solitary part of our personalities, and that even amongst the true "loners" out there, most are intelligent, compassionate, NON-BORED people, who enjoy their own company rather than trying to avoid it.

OP here and one is the easier number - I know we are the same person

[ In Reply To ..]
You and I sound so much alike. I never had a horse but in high school after we would get out a friend of mine and I would go horseback riding at least 2 days out of the week. I would also bring home all kinds of things including a dead snake 1 time and put it in alcohol to preserve it I guess. Had a white rat (my mother did not love it like I did, Sug was its name), dogs mostly, parakeet that I spent hours teaching to talk. I also travel solo because my husband does not like travel like I do and I want to do my own thing. I go with a place called vacations to go or Diamond tours. I have heard stories about others who thought they wanted to share a room with someone only to have so many differences. I love animals so much but my only thing with a rock. Well let me tell you. A guy working here at the house used a special rock to catch deer, told me you put one of those out and you will have plenty of deer coming around so I let him put one out in my back yard. Got to thinking about it and then thought what would my husband say if he came home and 20 deer in the back yard so about 10:30 or 11 one night I take a big flashlight, go out in the back yard and retrieve that really big rock, almost a boulder. I hope the neighbors didn't say, well bless her heart she is an older lady you know. Buy things off Etsy, Ebay and going in the morning to get some large paintings from a lady on Craigslist. We are meeting in a place other than her home so know about public meetings. I am so engrossed in my own thoughts, activities I am doing and so on hate to even answer the phone when it rings. Never bored, too much to do.

I have always been a loner - I just prefer to be

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by myself, with my dogs and my books. That's all I need. It's always been that way since I was a little kid. That is one reason it's so hard for me to think about getting another job in the "real world" since this MT gig is going south. Trying to hang on til retirement. 29 months!

To OP & Others - Anon

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I loved all your posts! I, too, am a "loner" by choice. I had a lot of friends as a child and in high school, but that was because my home life was bad (raging alcoholic dad), so I spent as much time away from home as possible. When I went to technical college, I had roommates. From that I learned I HATED living with others and never had roommates again. After that I moved far away from my home state by myself. I have a couple friends I meet for dinner once in a while. I have one "best" friend, and we talk about everything. She has a lot of friends but always complains about being lonely. She will not sit at home alone and has to go out to bars (we are in our 50s). She has made many bad relationship choices and lived with many different people because she just hates being alone, but then she is miserable living with somebody. She absolutely cannot understand the concept that I do not get lonely, ever, and that I prefer to be alone. To the post questioning why somebody mentioned their pets before their husband, I understand that too. I hate being married, am childless by choice (smartest decision I've made), but love my dog and cat. During my last MT job, I worked from home, and loved it. Now I work in an office and, for the most part, like my co-workers and the doctor, but would much rather work in isolation at home. My best friend tells me I'm not normal, and I suppose she's right, but I'm perfectly okay with that. So, I guess it's good to know there are a lot of people like me out in the world! :-)

There is no right or wrong here - But people are of more value than animals

[ In Reply To ..]
I cannot imagine my life without people. I have pets, but do not value them above the people in my life. Gosh darn, the humans in my life are the most important to me. If the humans in my life ever question if the pets are more important, then I've done something wrong.

Cherish all those you love, human or animals. Geeez,though, if your human loved ones think your animals are more important to you, then they should go find humans who love them and you can just stay with your pets who you deem more valuable. We all deserve humans who love us. I personally would not stay with someone who loved a pet more than me.

I disagree. People, animals, fish, birds, all - species on earth have EQUAL VALUE.

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

And I would say - dont let the door hit

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you on the way out.

So sad - That...

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Very sad that you can't find comfort in human beings. I'm sorry that has happened to you. We've all been hurt by other humans, but to close yourself off is depriving yourself.
I dont need your sympathy - and nothing has happened
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to me. I am not closing myself off. This is the way I am. I don't tell you how to live your life. I don't know why you think you have to insinuate yourself in mine.

RE: SOCIAL LIFE - Jasmine

[ In Reply To ..]
Hi there,

If you work at home as an MT/QA, etc. I know it CAN be pretty isolating at times! It's too bad we can't all have some sort of meeting place where you can get together for lunch or something, but we're all over the country!

I know in other lines of work everyone usually has some "work friends;" I thought most women, especially kept their friends from high school and college. I see some of mine but not NEARLy as many as I used to.

Jasmine, OP here and have kept in touch with - some of high school friends but

[ In Reply To ..]
they are out of town and do not visit on a regular basis. I have emailed/talked to 1 girl over the years. Ex-boyfriend/classmate just died and I was in touch with several of my classmates then. I so relate to the person above who stated she has a friend who complains about being lonely all the time. My friend also complains all the time but instead of being lonely, this one is just unhappy, all the time. Nothing seems to make her happy, nothing. You can talk about the pretty spring flowers and her reply is she hates spring. Fall makes her sad, winter too cold and gets her down, too hot in the summer. I am not in the same town, try to chat every now and then but I would hate to spend every waking minute like that. The people talking about pets, I get that. I love my animals, that is LOVE my animals. They are a huge part of my life and I get it. If people only have their animals and want to live without people in their lives, I get that also. I also get the part of the woman who said childless by choice. Hard work, endless input and sometimes feeling like you're an afterthought. This has been insightful for me knowing others out there that think like me and almost sound like my life. The reason I started thinking so much about this was the death of my friend and how many entries his wife had on Facebook from friends, etc. I do not put much on FB, might post a kittycat picture every now and then, not much personal about myself ever, just not me to do that.

To OP & Animal Lovers - Anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm the one who is childless by choice and loves my dog and cat (and hates being married, even though I still am). Thank you all for posting honestly. You have all just made my day. It's such a good feeling to know there really are others like me. I often say I'd rather spend my time with dogs and cats than people.
Why are you still married? - see msg pls
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I don't understand why you are married, then, if you hate being married. You have no small children to look after, so I say get the divorce and let your husband go find someone who cherishes marriage.

I adore my husband and he me. You get what you give.
Why I'm Married - Anon
[ In Reply To ..]
I know I'll get a lot of bad feedback and dislikes for this. I stay married simply for financial reasons. I have tried to divorce my husband twice, and both times he begged me not to, and we went to counseling. Things changed for a while, but are back to the way they always are. Basically, he's lazy at home and does nothing. I love him but, as I said, I hate living with others and just hate being married. It's like having a kid which, again, I chose not to have. He's a good person, has a college degree, has a very good job, and works extremely hard at his job. I know I'm fortunate for that. We are in are early 50s and have everything paid off (house and vehicles) and have absolutely no debt. We have both worked very hard to build up our retirement funds. Since I'm no longer an MT, the amount of money I make is about what I made in the late 1980s as an MT. In other words, not a whole lot. I have a comfortable life and don't want to give that up. Yes, it's very selfish. I know. If he were to ask me for a divorce, believe me, I'd grant him one. To add one other thing, we got married very late in life, in our 30s, first marriage for both, so it's not like I didn't put a lot of thought into my decision, and I waited for what I thought was the "right" man to marry. As for your curt answer of "you get what you give." Trust me, that is not always the case. You just got very fortunate so, yes, cherish what you have.
OP here, you do not always get what you give - really wrong in that statement
[ In Reply To ..]
I understand about the financial end. I also know you do not always get back what you give. If that were the case I would have never divorced. I was not the one running around. I gave and he took.
My point - see msg pls
[ In Reply To ..]
I'm the one who said you get what you give. I believe if you marry a good person and give wholly to that good person, you will get what you give.

That means no bitching all the time (like we women tend to do), not rejecting all the time, not complaining, etc., you will get what you give.
Not so - Wish that were true
[ In Reply To ..]
That would be living in a perfect world. We can give until our heart breaks, but many people don't get that in return.
I guess your husband - Just wants to stick it out
[ In Reply To ..]
I am sure you married a decent man (sounds like it), but I'm also sure that if you hate being married, you are not giving the best of yourself, and therefore, not getting the best of him.

Good luck with that. Sounds very lonely to me.
Thanks all! - Anon
[ In Reply To ..]
Thanks all for the positive feedback (about hating marriage, liking pets, and not wanting kids)! I'm thrilled that so many of you get where I'm coming from. To the person who said "sounds lonely to me," if you'll read my (Anon) previous posts, I said I never get lonely and enjoy and prefer being alone. I know that's not the norm, but that's how I am.
I understand your point. - Trampled underfoot
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I understand why you stay married. And you're right; you don't always get what you give. But there is something to be said for having someone else around, even if the relationship is far from perfect. I assume by this point you have gotten to where you are fairly comfortable with your set up and it's nice to have someone around as you grow old. Pets can only fill so much of the void, and unfortunately, we usually outlive them.

You're not being selfish; he knows how you feel yet wants to remain married.

Sigh. Another know-it-all, this time about marriage. - Sure is tiresome.
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I absolutely agree - anony
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I'm divorced, childless by choice, and there isn't a person alive I prefer to my dogs.

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My soon-to-be ex recently moved in with his buddy and his buddy's wife and their grandkids (whom they are raising) because his utilities were shut off because he doesn't have a job and didn't pay his bills.  Long story short, he hasn't even looked for a job since moving in with his buddy.  His answer to his financial woes is to try to get into a drug study where they pay you cash for being a lab rat.  He has tried to get into three studies.  The first stud ...

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a death in the family? My mom has gone to my sister's home on hospice and it is just a matter of time that she will pass.  My mom has been the grandmother symbol for my child.  Because of loss of family contact from being placed with me to live, this child has experienced a lot of losses.  She is about to turn 8.  I would encourage her to be at the funeral and grave site ceremony, but do you think she is too young to be at the wake as well?  It could be an opportuni ...

Does Your Child Go To Any Movie You Do?Nov 08, 2009
I went to the movies today, a new one that just came out about an overweight teenager from Harlem who was sexually abused by her father and mentally and physically abused by her mother. This movie was rated an R. Several years back it would have not had that lax of a rating. No prude here but the movie was completely filled with the most vile language I have heard in a movie but on top of that simulated rape scenes of the young teen with the father being the perpetrator. I saw many, many familie ...

ODD - Anyone With A Child With This? Does This Sound Like It?Nov 09, 2009
My 12-year-old son argues with me about EVERYTHING.  He is now saying that he wants to not go to college and live in a van. I told him fine, that is his decision when he is 18.  He kept on with it because he wanted me to argue with him. I told him at this point when he is 12 there is no reason for me to argue about something like that...he kept on and on and on. It really bothers Melissa and she cries because Jake and I end up in debates/arguments almost every day and they are lasting ...

Getting Your Child To SleepDec 15, 2009
This is really cute, but this guy got himself in quit a predicament.  Read the info at the top right about the poster of the video, this was him and his baby.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLErNXIYjMg ...

Advice About My ChildDec 10, 2010
I have a 10-year-old son and I probably shelter him a little too much, but the world is crazy these days.  So, he knows this boy from school and we see the kid EVERYWHERE at events that we go to, but I rarely ever see him with an adult or his parents.  He is always wandering around alone.  We even saw him at the fair (a place where I don't even allow my children to step 10 feet from me without me holding on to them) and he was alone. So, we were at an event a couple of weeks ...

Child SupportApr 29, 2011
Anyone out there have a child with a disability and recieved child support from their ex after the age of 18?  Both of my boys have Asperger's syndrome, high functioning autism.  My older son is turning 21 in May and his dad had stopped the child support after he graduated from high school (about two weeks after he turned 18).  Now my younger son is turning 18 in May and his dad told me today that he is cutting off that child support at the end of May.  Neither boy is ab ...

Sleepwalking Child...Mar 30, 2010
So we finally were able to catch our 11 YOS sleepwalking this weekend. We had suspected he did this for a while but were not able to catch him...Saturday night I woke up to find him at the top of the stairs bending over the railing looking down into the foyer! What a creepy sight...I was freaked out! Anyone have any experience with this? Just needing some options to either keep him in the bed or keep him from going outside, which is our main fear. We have put bells on the bedroom door in hopes ...

Opinions About My ChildMay 21, 2010
I am not sure what to do about my child and would like opinions on who to see or what.  When my son was around 5 years old, we lived in a house and he would say he "saw people" in the house.  I would see him standing there and he would jump as if something startled him, but of course nothing was there.  It got to the point that I couldn't even step out on the front porch without him being right under me, afraid to be inside by himself.  Well, later on, my 16-year-ol ...

Poor ChildApr 26, 2012
VR caught "The mother did the child in today for examining of" Dr dictated:  "The mother brought the child in today for examination of ..." ...

Not Getting Child Support ??Oct 16, 2012
Dtr owed over 8,000 in child support now and the sperm donor apparently has no intention of working.  Child support enforcement will try to do "address verification" when we give them a new address but that's as far as that goes.  Has anyone ever tried one of those companies that are supposed to help get your back owed money for a percentage?  Do you know what the percentage is?   ...