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My back seat driving friends

Posted: Oct 25, 2015

I have a friend and she has 3 kids. I love to take them places and enjoy activities but there is a huge barrier and I do not know how to handle this. I have driven for years and years, never had an accident much less a major one. I have had probably 4 tickets in my life, years ago also, most for speeding, none in the last say 10 years. The woman and her daughter are terrible back seat drivers. I can truthfully say I have never had people to ride with me that act like they do. Yesterday I took the family for an early present instead of buying Christmas gifts. The mother sat in front and even though I have a GPS wants to motion with her hands, turn here, go this way and the teenaged daughter in the back seat almost yelling out when I was stopped as a stop sign and easing off my break some, thinking I was going to pull out which was not the case at all. I have told the mother before I love myself, really love myself and try to be as careful as possible when driving because I want to make it back home. I told her take a deep breath and know how I feel. It has done no good. We went on a trip this past summer and 3 times I left the gas tank top off, something I have never done before and have not since, because of being on edge because of their trying to be helpful but doing exactly the opposite with me. Just to let you know I would not ride with them because their car is not in good shape and tires not that good and I do not let others drive my car. Am open to suggestions as to how to deal with this because I like them as friends but the back seat is getting to me.;

Suggestions. (sm) - Long narrow road down a mountain

[ In Reply To ..]
Your post brought to mind the time a person I knew informed me he was flying in from the UK for a stop in California to see a few people on his way to Australia and thought he's stop by and say hello. He arrived shortly thereafter. I pulled up to his hotel room, and noticed his car (very nice convertible he rented, sporty, hunter green, soft top), had side swipe markings along passenger side of car, from top to tire well, evenly imprinted and remarkably similar. He informed me he was looking at ocean on Highway 1 and failed to see a big rig parked on side of road...and I guess, he just kept going.

So, I was in middle of divorce, postop and new job...was so tired and did not want to bring him to my home...so, I took him to Yosemite, figuring I could just drive, no real effort. On the way up, at the top, you reach an area which is 2 way, 2 lane, and RVs are what you must contend with. For some strange reason, there are no guard rails, and it looked to me like a 400 to 1000 foot drop..straight down, for 10 miles.

On the descent, this man decides to become a tour guide with "look at that mountain," and "oh did you see that bird," and doing so in a startling manner which automatically caused me to look away.

I finally had to tell him to not talk to me while I was driving or we'd end up in a different kind of car and someone else would be driving. Was a very busy travel day, and cars were bumper to bumper and I was getting angry....I may have even said, Why are you distracting me while I am driving. Do you want us to have an accident? He got quiet. It ruined it. But that gives you an idea of what happens when someone says what you want to say (essentially, if you get lost, or take a wrong turn, it would be easier than having verbal or hand commands coming at you when you are in control of a moving vehicle on a busy highway.

Good luck!

OP: The long, narrow road you talked about - I know well

[ In Reply To ..]
I drove that several years ago to Yosemite and what a trip! I swore in getting into Yosemite that I would not let dark catch me before I exited. I had a death grip on the wheel, the first "Oh my God" from my lips my husband said he shut his eyes and said not a word, knowing that I was, shall we say scared? My husband drives for a living and yet when home I always take the wheel when we go out. About a month ago he told me he thought I was a good driver. Thanks for that tip about the non-talking as far as directions, yelling out, etc. I hate to lose their friendship but hard on me.

My backseat driving family. - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
My husband and mother do that to me too. I have come to the conclusion that they hate not being in control. I always just yell back at my husband, but I can't yell at my mother or she will fake a heart attack. I think a better way to handle it would be to calmly reassure the backseat drivers that you know where you are going or you can find it with your GPS or you are a good driver, whatever the case may be. I need to take my own advice sometime because I think it might work.

Big church going folks and this summer before - our trip I suggested a

[ In Reply To ..]
prayer, after I told them how safe I try to be, take a really deep breath and how much I love me, etc., etc. and still about the same. I have the GPS, I always have enough time if I miss the road (going down that little pink thing) that I can always go to the next turn, make that and still get to where we want to go, told them no accidents ever. The mother was talking (hinting) the other day about going to the Smokie Mountains, about 4 hours from here, but I just do not think I can stand the trip because of the constant. Just the other day I was on a street, right hand side had 2 lanes, the other left hand side one and the daughter in the back seat got scared and yelled out when (on the right side I was driving) she saw another person right next to me and thought I was not letting the person into the lane thus going to cause him to crash into the 1 lane person on the left. I hate to lose as friends but I think a face to face between the mother and the 18 year old is warranted.

Meet them wherever. - Finally put my foot down. sm.

[ In Reply To ..]
Similar situation years ago with a couple of friends. I finally gave a warning: Stop backseat driving, or find other transportation, because they were distracting me to the point of being a dangerous driver. This was said in a nice way. They behaved a few times after that, but then started back up. I stuck to my warning and we then met at places in separate cars. I since moved away, so cannot say if the friendships would have continued.

Good idea for when we want to go out - to lunch

[ In Reply To ..]
The 4 hour away from home mountains would not work. I pick up the tab when out, they really cannot afford but I enjoy my time with them once I get there. I will tell them about meeting them somewhere next time, maybe a change on their part?

Set your boundaries - and

[ In Reply To ..]
stick to them. You have been very kind to these people, and they have rewarded your generosity with criticism and disrespect. They seem to be happy enough to take advantage of your good nature and generosity but don't seem to feel the need to treat you with respect or even gratitude given how they treat you when you are driving.

If it were me, I'd just stop taking them anywhere and let them fend for themselves. If you want to keep providing them with free rides, you are going to have to make some rules and enforce them to reduce the stress this is causing you.

Sometime when you are with them in a neutral (i.e., not in the car) environment, have "the talk" with them. Explain that you can no longer tolerate their constant commenting and criticism of your driving and that if it does not stop, you will no longer drive them anywhere, ever. Then stick to it.

If they do not comply and continue to criticize and harass you while you are providing them with free taxi service, turn the car around, take them home, and let them figure out their own transportation issues.

As long as you tolerate their behavior, they will continue to abuse you.

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