Just friends vs emotion affair.

I found some text messages on my husband’s phone to this other woman.  They ready “hay miss you shouldn’t have to work so hard”  and “You working behind a counter is not right” and “Hay a friend of mine sent me this and said it was the answer to all my problems”  A picture of a man kicking a woman out the door.  I confronted him and his explanation was that “Hay miss was him addressing her as a Miss.”  And the picture was meant to be sent to another male friend not her, it was accident and he was wondering why that friend never texted him back. I asked him why he was so sympathetic over her working so hard and where she worked.  Where was his sympathy for me when he slept all day or was out and I took care of the house and kids.  He looked at me like “you don’t do sh!!!t.”  He just said she was my friend.

We have been married for 12 years.  Lately it has been hard.  He hadn’t been at home.  He rents property with this said woman and if he wasn’t over there tending to the property he rents from her he was here asleep.  He would sleep for hours.  I’d have to take care of everything while he slept, was out or whatever.  I griped and nagged.   Now all of the sudden, he woke up from his coma and nothing I have done measures up to his standards.  He acts like I haven’t done anything at all.  Laundry didn’t get down itself.  The cooking, the dishes, getting the kids up and dressed for school didn’t get done itself.  

He says gripes because I have gotten fat, I don’t clean, I am not taking care of the kids right, I don’t make enough money.  He is acting like he has to do all of it.  So he is in super dad mode, cleaning, taking kids to school.  His job was always to keep the yard up, he hasn’t touched it in years.  Our grass died because of the drought, our rose bushes are about dead.  There was junk galore out there.  I went out and picked some up and oh man he blew up at me.  He accused me of only doing that to make him “look bad.”  I asked if that was what he was doing to me inside wanting to make me look bad.  He says “I am tired of living in filth.”  He has also been throwing the word divorce around. 

I have tried to take measures to help improve myself.  I have ADD.  I went back on the medications.  I am also taking medications for depression.  I started walking more, dressing up, wearing make up, got my line count up, vacuumed more, sweep more, cleaned behind furniture but still not good enough for H.   

At work we got across the board pay cut because the clinic went to EMR and upgraded to a new system.   We do mainly VR work.  We went from 9 cpl to 8 cpl which is still  good pay for MT.  We are IC status btw.  The workload isn’t what it used to be but there is still work.  They have been throwing around the word penalty more often though.  They sent a universal E-mail saying that if we didn’t start putting the dates in right there will be a penalty.  Then 2 weeks later I got my QA score, one was 98.4 and a note saying this needs to improve.  I thought 98 was passing but that may have changed I don’t know.  I got a 97 point  something on another one and a note saying my work is going to be closely monitored and if I don’t get that up, there will be a penalty.  For a year already my scores were 99 and now I am getting threatened.  So I have been reviewing my work before I turn it in now.  The kids are out of school for Christmas holidays and that makes working harder.  Money is very tight.  We are in debt up to our eyeballs and more often then not we have a negative balance at the bank come payday.

Before I was an MT, I was a certified nurse’s aide.  My certificate expired.  I am thinking of renewing it.  I don’t want another penalty.  I don’t want to work for another low-paying online MTSO.  I have already been down that road.  I have been working from home off and on for over 10 years now.  The thought of putting on a uniform and going back to work sometimes excites me and sometimes scares me to death.  I have 2 girls, ages 6 and 10.  They are not old enough to stay at home by themselves for long periods of time anyway so I would have to pay for childcare.  I don’t know if what I make will cover the cost.  Then I think, I’ll probably end up dropping someone on the floor and make my boss there mad too, or I won’t work fast enough, hard enough.  I have got to change somehow.   On the other hand, I think getting out of the house and focusing on others who are worse off than I am might help me get out of this pity party I am in.  I have been sitting around bawling, can't do anything right.  I am nearly 40 years old.  I may live another 40.