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When did having friends become such work!?!?!

Posted: May 24, 2011

I have three very close friends, two of whom I have known my whole life and one I've known since the sixth grade. Whenever it's someone's b-day, the other three take her out to dinner. We started doing this a couple of years ago. It's sort of a girl's night out we do four times a year. We go out to dinner and sit and talk forever. Anyway, the friend I've known since 6th grade has all of sudden decided she wants to bring her husband and her 19yo son out with her when we go to dinner and suggested we all start bring our significant others and kids. Well, we three said no. These girl's nights is our time to get out without the kids or the husbands. It's our time. Well, this didn't sit well with her and she made a comment that she LOVED her family and they like to do everything together, as if we don't love our families because we want to go out four times a year without them. But then she let the issue drop. However, this month was my b-day and we all made plans to go to Olive Garden. We get there at the at the decided time and the one friend is already there. She immediately lets us know that she's been sitting there for 15 minutes. Okay, we all just ignore that. Then we sit down at our table and start to order and she informs us that she is going to "eat and run" because she's made plans to go fishing that evening with her husband and son! So now we are irritated, but nobody says anything. We just eat and talk like normal. Then at the end of her meal, the friend announces that her birthday is next, which it is in August, and for her birthday she wants us all to bring our husbands and kids to wherever she decides she wants to eat and then she leaves.

So now the remaining two gilrs tell me that they don't want to take her out now for her b-day. They want me to tell her since she is "more my friend than theirs" which she is. I'm the one that introduced her to them back in middle school and I've always been the one to make her part of the group even though they never really liked her all that well because she is a loud mouth and catty. So we've decided the best thing to do is to just quit the birthday dinners alll together and that is what I should tell her, but personally I think she ought to know that she has basically ruined it for us. Should I be honest or sugar coat it?

;

be honest - no sugar coating

[ In Reply To ..]
When you bring husbands and kids to a usual girls lunch it completely changes the dynamics.

It is three against one here, and she is in the minority. You all should continue with your bday lunches, and if she wants to join you by herself she can. Let her know that.

friends - 1mt

[ In Reply To ..]
Don't give up your birthday dinners. You all seem to enjoy it so don't let that one person ruin it for you. If you and the other two friends don't want to bring your husbands, I would just politely and matter-of-factly tell her that you three are not going to be bringing your husbands to dinner when it comes time for her birthday. Tell her that this has been the tradition for many years and that is the way you three like it. If she chooses to bring her husband and son anyways, then let her. You other three should go on with the dinner like you usually would. I doubt that the husband and son will want to stay for too long talking after dinner and will probably leave. Maybe she will stay with you, maybe she will leave with them, but either way, the three of you who still enjoy this "girls night out" should continue to enjoy it. Or the other option would be to not stop the girls night out for your birthdays completely, maybe just the three of you continue having dinner for your birthdays and leave her out of these get-togethers since she doesn't seem to want a girls night out anymore.

I also agree, let her have her husband kids for her party, and the other 3 of you - go as usual alone

[ In Reply To ..]
I would just do as the other poster said and let her know that you guys are not bringing spouses and kids and leave it at that. When it comes time for the next B-day, make sure the rules are known for that peron's B-day, no spouses and no kids. That seems fair. I wouldn't stop the going out just because of this one situation. Besides, if she decides she cannot do it, you guys will have the B-days to yourselves anyway.

My Take - Old Lady

[ In Reply To ..]
Sounds like she needs more family time and it's kind of nice, actually. But, she should do her family time on another day, not the all-girls day. That being said, why can't one of the days during the year be a family day? You girls all go out 3 times a year, and on the 4th bring the husband's, kids or whatever.

If that's offensive or undoable on your all parts, then I think this girl should just quietly drop out of the group dinners all together and do her family thing, and not dictate and try to change the dynamics of the girls night out. Her life has taken a change and that's her prerogative, but she shouldn't be dictating the whole new scenario.

I wouldn't mind doing a "family" get together every - Bad Friend

[ In Reply To ..]
now and again, but the problem is her husband is the most obnoxious man. He's very condescending, a know it all, and very demanding. One of the few times my husband and I went out with her and her husband, her husband made a HUGE issue over lettuce. He ordered his BBQ sandwich without lettuce and horror of horrors they forgot and put lettuce on it. Rather than just simply taking the lettuce of the sandwich and eating it, he made a huge scene with the waitress. The waitress didn't think it was that big deal and said sorry, thinking he would just take the lettucs off. When she didn't immediately pick up the sandwich up and run back to the kitchen, my friend says very loudly "WELL, he's NOT going to eat it like that!"

He's also screws around on her or did in the past. I don't know what he's been up to presently. He's just the most vile person.

Her son is okay, a little strange, but okay. He doesn't have any friends or a girlfriend, and really does spend all of his free time with his parents. I have an 18yo son who would rather be hit by a bus than go to dinner with his parents and our friends, but this kid is different.

Lettuce - Silly Girl

[ In Reply To ..]
Not to get off subject - but the lettuce on the bbq sandwich caught my attention as I've never heard of doing this before! What region are you from? Now, we put cole slaw on ours (not a fan of that though but wouldn't throw a fit if it mistakenly showed up on it). I love how different areas of the United States incorporate different things on seemingly universal things!

It's Kansas City BBQ baby! They put lettuce and tomato on brisket sandwiches. - Bad Friend

[ In Reply To ..]
I've tried the cole slaw way which I did not care for at all.

Dump her altogether. No one - likes her anyway

[ In Reply To ..]
And I'm betting she doesn't like any of you either and that's why she wants her family there... to make being with you three more tolerable.

Break up with each other and move on.

Find the courage in yourself to tell her what - you and the others SM

[ In Reply To ..]
want, which is to continue with the girls night out like you have always done. It's tradition. Stand up for yourself, please. This is a problem for alot of women (me included BTW). We don't want to hurt the feelings of others so we suffer in silence. We were raised this way, to be nice and please other people. Get over that. Tell her that if she doesn't want to continue with the tradition, then you are sorry about that but that is how it is going to stay. I think another poster said she might be uncomfortable with all of you and wants her family there as a cushion. This might be something you could ask her in a nice way. Ask her why she wants to change things, doesn't she enjoy the night out with just the girls? If she says it would be nicer with family or she says what you posted, she loves her family, insinuating that you don't, tell her to spend other times out with her family. Do not let her manipulate you.

Girls night out - MT

[ In Reply To ..]
Maybe her husband has become abusive. Maybe she doesn't have a choice but to bring him with. Maybe he's jealous and accusatory and she is bringing him with so that he believes what she is doing and she still can stay in contact with friends. I would just tell her straight up though that you and your other two friends look forward to these nights out four times a year and that if her priorities have changed and she no longer enjoys the nights out with just the girls that you understand, but that you three aren't changing your plans. Tell her that you will keep her posted on the dinner times/dates and that she can feel free to come if she changes her mind, but that you all prefer there not to be her husband or son there.

No need to change..... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
the tradition. A girlfriend's birthday dinner is your tradition, not bring your husband and kids dinner. Maybe you can suggest a family bar-b-que or something on another day. She should not be able to change things up for three friends who want it to remain the same. I have a feeling all it would take is one "family bar-b-que" and that would be the end of it. Stick to your guns....if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

I firmly believe that women need GF time, no husbands, no kids, just alone time with close GF's. I also find it hard to believe that her son really wants to tag along with his Mom and Dad and three of his mom's girlfriend's at his age, he would probably rather get run over by a train. :)

What I can't understand is why you can't - Kendra

[ In Reply To ..]
do it her way for her birthday. If she wants to include families in her birthday dinner, why not? You other three could feel free to keep your birthday dinners however you want them and do whatever she wants to do for hers. I can't imagine being so offended at someone wanting to include not only her family, but yours, as well. If you don't like her, then stop doing things with her altogether, but if you really are "very close friends," then try to make her birthday exactly what she wants it to be. Good luck!

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