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How much should a child be included when there is

Posted: Mar 22, 2011

a death in the family? My mom has gone to my sister's home on hospice and it is just a matter of time that she will pass. My mom has been the grandmother symbol for my child. Because of loss of family contact from being placed with me to live, this child has experienced a lot of losses. She is about to turn 8. I would encourage her to be at the funeral and grave site ceremony, but do you think she is too young to be at the wake as well? It could be an opportunity to see extended family (while a wake isn't the perfect way to have family reunions, I tend to grab at ANY opportunity for her to cement bonds with family). On the flip side, funerals can bring out some nastiness in some family members and I don't want her to remember that her grandmother's funeral was when Aunt Sally told off Cousin Susan and had to be escorted out (thinking of the most outlandish thing that could happen). Because I am single and only let one or two family members babysit my girl, all of whom would naturally be going to all these functions, it may be difficult for me to find sitters unless I hire a sitter service. Would that be worse? That she would want me nearby to help her deal with it and then I stick her with some stranger instead of including her?

I'm leaning more toward just having her there for the chapel service and graveside service and maybe I can get her uncle to stay with her during the other times I would need to be in attendance as she trusts and loves him deeply. Or take her for a private viewing and graveside only?

Thoughts?

;

I would take her to the viewing - cindy

[ In Reply To ..]
My boys were probably somewhere around that age when their grandmother died. I took them to the viewing. (I was divorced out of the family but they still welcomed me with open arms) I told them if they wanted to go to the casket to see their grandmother they could but they did not have to. Usually the funeral home has more than one room and there were several rooms open. The kids kind of stayed in one of the rooms and played together while adults moved in and out of the rooms. Neither of the boys wanted to look in the casket but were glad to be around their cousins at that time. She is 8, so I would say she is old enough that you could sit down and explain all that is happening and see how she feels about it. She might really want to go or may really want to stay home. I image between the two of you, you will come up with the best solution for her. My sympathies to you during the difficult time.

How much should a child be included when there is - MT Girl

[ In Reply To ..]
I would follow the lead of the child. Inform the child of the steps involved in the process. I believe in being brutually honest with children as they are extremely smart. Children are naturally curious. Personally, my three children were at everything from funerals, worship services, weddings, etc. and they are entitled to be a part of grief or laughter. Again, inform her and follow her lead. Thinking of you.

re: AARP - just me

[ In Reply To ..]
I went to my grandmother's viewing when I was 9, not my choice. I had been told that "abuela" had died and I was sad and cried. Then a few days later the family told me we had to go pay our respects to her and I was terrified. The viewing was very traumatic for me. Death was still something that was confusing to me and very scarey.

I was so very relieved to leave the church. IMO and suggestion, allow her to skip the viewing and just attend the graveside service, but I had nightmares for weeks! To this day I rarely go to viewings and if I do, I won't come to the casket at all.

Since family issues are involved, it would probably be best to not have her around when there is a concentration of emotions and the chance of a scene taking place. It would be further traumatic and scarey.

Maybe it is just the south, but kids here go - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
to funeral homes from the day they are born. I can remember going very young. Death is a fact of life, and my opinion is that the younger children are introduced to it, not hidden from it, the better off they will be in the long run.

Thank you for your kind words - AARPMom

[ In Reply To ..]
I think it will be best just to play it by ear. I find it difficult to think seeing the body will be scarey to her (I could be wrong, though) as we have been talking about this for about 3 years now and she seems to be comfortable discussing it (plus she sees lot of medical books here at home!) But talking and seeing will be two different things.

Living and dying are natural functions of our lives and I recall going to funerals as young as the age of 5 without fear. I do think having family around her will make it easier, so I believe I will nix the idea of hiring a sitter.

Again, thank you for your support.

My Opinion - Oldie

[ In Reply To ..]
I think open caskets are morbid and I personally would not expose a child to a dead body for goodness sake. Not exposing a kid to a dead body isn't hiding anything. They can still understand and participate in another capacity, or you can choose to have a closed casket and all can come.

I appreciate your thoughts, but - AARPMom

[ In Reply To ..]
will have to respectfully disagree. For me and my family in the region where we live and having a lot of cattle farming, we don't consider viewing the body as morbid. As I said, dying is a part of living, and I can embrace it as naturally as birth. My young child has already been exposed to talking about the process of dying, what my after-life beliefs are, exposing her to rituals like grave yards (we honor our passed loved ones), so she appears comfortable with the concept. I will be there for her when we are at the funeral events and will support her every step of the way, being sensitive to her needs and reactions. There is no such thing in my family as a closed casket funeral, and I wouldn't want it that way.

I respect your view; I just have a different one.

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