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Can you be friends with an ex spouse.

Posted: Aug 16, 2012

my husband (soon to be ex) has said some things to me that are hurtful. He complains I don't clean house well, I have let myself go and hateful to his mom. I tried to fix the things that he said needs fixing. I stepped up on the house cleaning, lost a little weight though I still am not skinny. I have tried to be more inviting to his mom, apologized for any wrong doing, took her on trips, tried to make her feel welcome in my home, fixed meals for her but he was still adamant about divorce so I filed.

He says he doesn't hate me, a part of him still loves me but he doesn't want to be married anymore. He still claims he will be there for me and our 2 kids. He claims he has no intention of getting into another relationship. I have been married to my husband for nearly 13 years, been together 15 actually. I am still grieving. I feel marriage counselling could have prevented this but he didn't want to go.

There is so much I can probably get him for. He bought his mom a car, she paid us back but still kept it in his name. According to the lawyers that is community property and I can ask for half that money back. He has separate property we spent a little money on though not a lot but I can still go for half of that back. We have been paying car insurance on some vehicles he had since before marriage and registration. I could try and get some of that money back. My family says go for everything...do it for the kids. Make him pay. THere is a part of me that does want revenge but another part doesn't want to make an enemy out of him. I do believe we can be friends. He claims he will help me with repairs with the car/house to save me money like what he did when we were married. I just want this nightmare over with so I can get on with my life. I was just hoping he would take all the debt because he makes more than twice as much as I do. However, the debt is household and even though it might be tough, I can take half. We have no fights about how we will split the assets. I get the house, all the furniture, the car. He gets all his farm equipment, tools for work and the vehicles he had before marriage.

What is so crazy about this whole thing, we are still sleeping together in the same bed.

;

now that's just nuts.....sorry, no offense meant - alias

[ In Reply To ..]
talk about having your cake and eating it too! He wants a divorce, but he is still sleeping with you and making all these promises about still taking care of you or expenses after the divorce! HA! don't believe a word he is saying! He is lieing to you bold faced! Tell him to take one side of the fence or the other....he either wants a divorce, in which he should "leave", or he doesn't. Sounds to me like he just wants to "torture" you a bit before he does actually leave. I don't agree with going after revenge what with all the household items, debt, etc., but what exactly is he doing to YOU? You are entitled to half...that's your right for dealing with this. You contributed just as much to the marriage as he did, no matter what he thinks your "faults" are. He is just as much to blame for everything as you are. If he wants a divorce, then he should LEAVE and get the divorce, but don't lie in the same bed with him, take his verbal abuse and/or take on all of the blame for the way things are because that is what he WANTS. talk about control! Perhaps some couples can still be friends after a divorce, but I know of very few. You "don't want to make an enemy out of him?" Honey, he IS the enemy! He wants this, let him have it. Take what is rightfully yours, not what he wants to "allow" you to have...and move on with your life. Please don't still lie in the same bed with him and take this. He is getting some sort of sick thrill out of hurting you, and you are just accepting it. Get the divorce, take what you deserve, and get away from him. what a jerk! sorry, again no offense, but he is using you for a doormat and you are just letting him. Get a backbone, stand up for what you deserve, and get him out of the house. You deserve so much better. I think he would have so much more respect for you if you showed him that you are not going to take this any longer. The meek part of you who only takes what he gives you is the part of you that he does not truly like. Show him who is boss of you!

I don't want to be friends with anyone who treats me poorly - why would you?

[ In Reply To ..]
Nothing wrong with being "civil", but "civil" does not mean friends. Preserve your boundaries - do not cross them and do not let others cross them. Do not allow him to be involved in your private life by allowing him to "help" with repairs. I would not take on half the household debt, if possible. Get child support.

You got a lot of advice about this the first time you posted - about it. Was that helpful? nm

[ In Reply To ..]
x

Every situation is different - Follow your intuition

[ In Reply To ..]
It sounds like thus far, this is amicable, as far as divorces go. Yes, he has said hurtful things to you, but it sounds like he hasn't said anything horrible, called you names or destroyed your property (that happened to me!).

Personally, I would look at the marriage you had, how you feel about him, whether or not you believe him when he says he will help you with the cart, etc, how much money he makes, how much money you make, how much money you will need to live on...

I guess what I'm saying is, you have to do what would make you proud of the way YOU handled this situation. Would going after all he has make you feel good? Or would it make you feel like a typical ex-wife? If you NEED all that stuff to get by, by all means go for it. But I would not want to start a fight where one does not yet exist if it was not necessary.

Just curious - if he wants a divorce

[ In Reply To ..]
why is he still there, and why are you still sleeping with him? If you are not good enough for him to the point that he wants a divorce, why does he still want to sleep in the same bed with you? Not trying to be mean, but really wondering what you both are thinking.

Like someone said above, you need to try to be civil, but I don't think bosom-buddy friends is very likely to be in the cards. What is going to be really difficult for you is when he decides, ok, he's ready to actually act on what he wants, move on and someone new comes into the picture, and I can almost guarantee that they will at some point, he's just not quite brave enough to venture on alone yet without your familiar "comfort." Again, not trying to be mean here, just cold hard questions that have to be examined in a situation when someone really doesn't want you anymore and there is nothing in the world you can do to change yourself to be "acceptable" once that corner is turned in someone's mind. How will you feel then? Will you still want to be "friends" then?

How old are your kids? You want to try to keep things on an even a keel as possible and not have them be pawns in the situation. It is going to be very difficult, but keeping things civil is do-able. You're hurting right now but do the best you can and move on. Your kids are going to have to deal with the whole thing and probably be involved in complex relationships in the future. They will remember how you handled it all. They will remember if you are bitter and spiteful but they will also on some level, depending on how old they are, see your level of self-esteem. I'm sorry, a very difficult time.

I have asked myself the same question. - divorcing.

[ In Reply To ..]
That is probably it. The familiar comfort.

It just breaks my heart. We lived together 12 years and all of the sudden I am not good enough. I asked him again, why does he want this sooo bad he is willing to go leave this house we both bought and paid for and live in a small shack. He again told me it was because I was filthy. There is food rotting in the refrige and the bottom of my feet are black. I had gone outside to feed the rabbits barefooted so yea they were black. He claimed it was because our floor was filthy. Not true, I had vacuumed and mopped.

I just don't understand why if the rotting food bothered him so much, why not just throw it out. I found what he was talking about and tossed it in the trash, took the trash outside. Took all of 2 minutes maybe.

I am so filthy dirty he is still living here...is willing to leave the kids in it. He doesn't want to take them. He wants me to file for physical custody so then he can come and go as he pleases and not have set visitation.

None of it makes sense to me.

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too - sm - XXX

[ In Reply To ..]
He wants you to have all the responsibility it sounds like, and he will "help"....from the sounds of it he does not help now so why oh why would he help later when you are divorced. I expect he wil just take off when you are divorced. Work for cash, not pay child support, etc. I have friend whose ex-husband bailed when they divorced, oh they were still in touch and he paid child support sometimes...still oves her about $5K...daughter is 18 or 19 now...keeps stringing her along and won't get a regular job so his wages won't be garnished (yes she filed with the state). They divorced when daughter was about 2....he has seen daughter maybe 10 x in 16 years, though my friend has bent over trying to get him to have a relationship with her. But he is very deadbeat dad in terms of actually having a relationship with his daughter (he has 2 other children from wife #1), same situation there. He married wife #3 but luckily no children, now divorcing promises he will pay my friend from his divorce settlement (yes wife #3 has to pay to divorce his butt), but that is a load of hooey and she won't see a dime and she knows this). His family enables him and takes care of him, lives with sister, barely works and when he does it is for cash under the table.

So I expect your ex-to-be might have no where to go, or is just comfortable despite the "fithy conditions" and won't go. He is full of hot air. Go to lawyer, get it all pounded out legally, and I bet you he won't sign the papers.....LOL...will come up with some lame reason. You are better off without this guy. Let him go, get sole custody, make him pay child support and alimony since he makes 2x as much, and no don't be his "friend". Deal with him only as the father of your children. Do not bad mouth him to kids, always take the high road and get on with your life. You deserve better than this loser. Oh, and kick him out of the bed tonight. He can sleep on the couch in your LR.

I'm great friends with my ex... - L&L

[ In Reply To ..]
He left me for another man. He tried for 24 yrs to be something he was not. He treated me more than fairly and helps me out all the time.

Your guy, I wouldn't walk across the street to pee on him to put him out if he were on fire.

sweet story - great advice

[ In Reply To ..]

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