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A friend cheated on her husband

Posted: Jan 31, 2010

a one night stand.

She is beating herself up and is a terrible mess of tears. She wants to tell her husband about it.

I think that is a BAD idea.

What do you think should you tell your partner if you have had a one night stand?

;

No, I don't think she should tell him. - NM

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..

Tell him - sm

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This is not just her secret...there was someone else involved...who can talk...and he can tell too...tell a friend, who tells another, who tells another.

Then the DH hears it weeks, months, or even years later....then he is mad...what else has she she lied about. Has his whole marriage been a lie?

She needs to tell him...and they need to decide where to go from here.

Not to mention - (sm)

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what she may or may not be exposing him to. He deserves to know. Yes, her marriage may be at risk, but she is the one who screwed up and she should tell him, as the other poster said, before he hears it though the grapevine, which may or may not happen, but if it does it is much worse to hear it from somebody else and feel like the fool and that everybody but him knew about it already. She should have kept it in her pants, but too late for that now and she needs to do the right thing.

cheating wife - oldone

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Before she tells her spouse she should weigh these 2 things...is she wanting to tell him to help alleviate HER guilt versus just how much it will hurt HIM. Confession is good for the soul but hurting someone so deeply is not good at all. She should say her prayers and do her best by her husband from here on out.

If I was married, and my spouse had ... - a one night stand

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I would want to know. Even if spouse used a condom, there is still the risk of disease, and I have a right to know what I'm allowing to enter my body.

I do not expect to be disrespected by a spouse, and by not telling me, and not letting me make an informed decision, that is what one-night-stand-spouse would be doing.

I would allow the same courtesy for my spouse, and tell him.

Therefore, I think she should tell him.

It probably is a bad idea - Sara

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I too would advise her NOT to tell. If she is Catholic, maybe confession would help.

There have been many times when I beat myself up over something I cannot change. I tell myself that I have learned something from the exeprience (whatever it is) and I will NOT make that mistake again. Perhaps she can do the same....learn from it and vow to never repeat it again. Telling her husband isn't going to change what she did, it will just make another problem for her.

That's what I think too - just confessed to me

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Telling him might make her feel better ( probably not but...) But it definitely will make him feel worse.

Nothing to be gained by telling him.

She is Catholic, I think I will mention confession to her. Perhaps that will help.

If she goes to confession - hopefully

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the priest will remind her that according to the Bible, the one thing that allows for a "scriptural" divorce, is fornication, and though the innocent mate can choose to forgive rather than divorce, they should be given the right to make their own decision. For anyone to keep the secret that gives that right, is withholding something that person has a right to.

She has already disrespected the sanctity of her marriage, how would adding dishonesty to it possibly help in the long run, no matter how much it can be rationalized. If the marriage is to have a chance, the dirt has to be removed to have a clean start. Otherwise it's like trying to put a bandage on a serious wound without cleaning it first. With burns, they scrape all the burned damaged skin away before they even begin to treat it. Same with a marriage, if it is to ever be clean.

Her most serious accountability has nothing to do with human opinions. She would be wise to NOT add more to it. In fact, forgiveness is dependant on true repentance, and true repentance requires honesty. I wish them well.

Very good analogy - (sm)

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And as far as confession making her feel better, I am not Catholic and so do not know much about that, but I believe confessing to the one she has sinned against would be more cleansing to the soul. Honesty is the best policy. She should ask herself if she would want to know if the shoe was on the other foot. I know I would, even though I would be very hurt and it would be very hard to hear/know.

No, I never told mine - nm - Hehe

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g

I bet you are still married, had you told him you would - you see

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be divorced, most probably, chuckle!

No, after I started the 1 night affair which - Hehe

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turned out to be months and maybe years after that, I left the husband soon after starting. We have been divorced for many years now. Talk about a fling! Oh, and the person saying you lose self-respect, I never felt that way about myself. Just a fling, an affair and I enjoyed every minute of it.

well, this was an AFFAIR, not a 1-night stand, you married the wrong man.. - nosmg

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nm

It depends. Was he a one night stand she just met - cheat?

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or is he a "family friend?"
I doubt that she told a stranger her real name, address, etc...then she should not tell her husband.

If it's a family friend, that's different, the possibility of another encounter is greater, and he might start talking.

The possibility of STD? How to solve this is a bit tricky. She should get herself tested and proceed from there.

Best way: Don't cheat, no matter what, especially as a woman. Believe it or not, a woman loses much more when she cheats than a man: her self-respect. This is how I see it.

oops! Just noticed, should be "1-night stand" hyphen, I'm an MT, lol!.. - nomsg

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nm

I can't believe anyone is - Wow

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actually advising this woman NOT to tell.

What about marriage vows and the sanctity of them?

"Oh, OOPS! I went and slept with someone else, but it was just this once. I'm not gonna tell because it will just upset my husband and make him hurt and mad!"

Amazing that hardly anyone here is saying that she should own up to what she did and tell her husband the TRUTH, no matter how it hurts!

If a man did this, you guys would be singing another tune.

It is better, NOT TO TELL, for both! - see mess

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It was a 1-night stand, not an affair!

If she tells her husband THIS is teh end of their marriage, even if they stay together. He will keep it in his heart and never forget. Would you? And blame her for this his whole life.

Don't tell, but take precautions not to infect your husband, see doctor.

Her husband has the right to know - Honesty

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if she is potentially bringing home some disease to him. Condoms don't always protect.

She has to tell him and let the chips fall where they may. And you know what? She SHOULD be beating herself up over it. Cheating is BAD. One night stand or not!

Tell him and let him have the opportunity to get tested and to protect himself. If he wants to forgive her, that's HIS decision. Leaving him in the dark is completely wrong.

No, she should let herself tested, only tell him if - no

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it's positive, even better, find a way to prevent that her husband gets infected, and not tell him. If negative, she should swear to herself never to do it again, and be a very nice to her husband.

Who knows WHY she cheated?

It is VERY demaging to a marriage if somebody cheats and confesses. He/she might never be trusted again, and will be blamed over and over, and accused, even if it's not true.

I would never cheat, is it worth it?
NO.

If you can't be honest with the person - Honesty

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that you are married to, then you don't have a marriage.

It doesn't matter why she did it. It's wrong.

If she is unhappy in her marriage, then she needs to work on that, or leave.

Being unhappy in a marriage is not an excuse to hop in the sack with another person, no matter what.

A marriage is sacred. And if I were her husband, I would want to know...one night stand or not.

Eventually it will come out. One way or another. It would be better for her to fess up now then let him find out later on.

I agree, 1 should never cheat when married, BUT - whaaa???

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why would a person CHEAT and then TRY TO BE HONEST?

Ridiculous!
Hypocritical!

An honest person would never cheat in the first place!

"An HONEST person would NEVER cheat." - no need to tell!

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nm

No. A person only confesses to make themself - sm - XXX

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feel better. DUmb. Plain and simple. They may feel better about clearing their conscience but it will probably be the end of her marriage or at least the trust, and probably in time the end of her marriage. All depends on the guy of course. If she needs to talk to someone she should see a therapist to get over her guilt.

Correct analysis. I never cheated and never will, - yes/no?

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hopefully, but if, I would bury it deep, deep down in my conscience and brain, so deep that nobody would find it, and never tell it to anybody.

Regarding the woman who cheated, think of this:

"Virtue is 90% lack of opportunity."

How immature! If she told you she might as well tell her husband - ?

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bn

Speaking from experience. - Tell it like it is.

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I have been cheated on. My husband had a 1 night stand.

I am remarried now to a wonderful man. His wife cheated on him as well. First it was a 1 night stand and she got caught. She didn't confess, he found out on his own. He was devastated. They worked it out. She vowed she would never do it again. Then he found out she was living a lie and having another affair. She left him and moved clear across the country with another man...even abandoning their children.

Cheating is terrible. I don't care what all these other people are saying about "she shouldn't tell because it was only a 1 night stand" or "he will never trust her" or "it could destroy their marriage".

I'm sorry, but she should have thought long and hard about that before she spread her legs for someone else.

Having been cheated on (1 night stand, mind you) and not being told, only to discover it myself months later by a slight slip up on his part, I can tell you right now that she should just tell him.

Loss of trust? Why does she deserve to be trusted right now? So, she should just pretend it never happened? Right.

I can't believe that people are so cavalier about the bond of a marriage and will use so many excuses and "reasoning" to justify having sex with another person and then covering it up.

It is a shameful act, and if she doesn't come clean, she will regret it. Maybe not now, but sooner or later. And that's not even to mention the potential risk to her husband's physical health.

Why is honesty so hard to come by in our society. Why are people so quick to do the worst things and then hide them from the one person they have vowed to be honest with?

Lying and cover-ups don't work well. And if she is already this torn up with guilt, crying her eyes out, she will either have to come clean, or she will end up sabotaging herself anyway.

People can make excuses and justify it all they want, but in the end, cheating is cheating any way you slice it.

Yes. The whole basis of marriage is trust and respect. - Lies just destroy. nm

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nm

STD - check

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She needs to get HIV testing, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, and anything else they can test for. She needs to protect her husband by using condoms until she is certain that she is not going to kill her husband by sleeping with him.

Yes tell him, and blame him for driving her to cheat - HisFault

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It's what most men do when they cheat and get caught.

She should leave and file for divorce . . . - Then she can tell him

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or not. That doesn't really matter. She gave up her marriage when she had the 1-night stand.

Alcoholic friends - MYOB

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These are adults, right? Why is it your place to contact someone in their about it? Are they your family. If so, I would drop a few gentle hints (when they are not drinking). Do not be confrontational with these people. If you are not related to them, you may still drop a hint or two in casual conversation, but it is best to MYOB.

sorry, posted in the wrong place - Post above NM

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x

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