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Spouse with possible cognitive problems?

Posted: Feb 15, 2013

Hubby and I went out for Valentine's dinner last night. We've been married 26 years. He's 59. Now, we've lived in this community for almost 20 years. He knows these streets up and down and sideways, but on our way to the restaurant he turned the car into an oncoming ramp with a car coming right at us. I tried not to freak, but was not completely calm when I said, "We can't go that way!" He stopped short of committing to the ramp and made the proper turn into the restaurant.

That was when the problem started. He was furious at me! I imagine he was embarrassed, but he turned it into anger and accused me of not trusting his driving (!?) and of "Jumping all over" him. Sum it up, the evening was ruined, we're not talking.

A few months ago he was about to miss an exit which I pointed out, and got exactly the same response, fury, anger, denial. He tried to convince me that he deliberately decided to go 20 miles out of our way, just like last night he tried to convince me he knew what he was doing.

My daughter told me that a few weeks ago after a long conversation with him about which college she had chosen, and going over the FAFSA information and all, he came to her a few days later believing she had chosen a completely different college.

Question: What do I do? I really think he may have a real problem, but he is in complete denial. About everything. He has diabetes and thinks that just cutting out bread will do the trick, then buys and consumes boxes of PopTarts, for instance. I'm not his mom, but I'm beginning to feel like it, and I'm starting to worry about driving with him. He's in therapy, which he just cut down to once a month. Should I talk to his therapist behind his back? Ask to go to a session with him? Talk to his doctor behind his back?

;

Talk to his therapist, his physician, his pastor, maybe - even kids. He needs to go to a SM

[ In Reply To ..]
doctor and you by yourself will probably not be able to get him their. He feels "safe" attacking you when these things are pointed out, he might not have that reaction with another. If it is early ALzheimer, getting on meds as soon as possible will give him the best cognition/life for the longest time possible.

Don't become this wife. - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
This really happened. I was in a local diner with my Kindle and an older couple came in and sat behind me. Few minutes later a young man came in and sat with them. Such close quarters, I wasnt tring to eavesdrop but couldnt help overhearing. The younger guy had come in to pick-up the older guy and go run some errands. Younger guy said, I saw both cars in the parking lot. THe older woman said, Yeah, I was not about to ride with him."

I could not beleive it!!! She knew he wasnt safe enough driver that she felt ok riding with him, but he is okay enough driver to put stranger's lives at risk!!

I am not that person that confronts strangers about issues, but this time I wish I would have been.

Talking behind your back - Precious

[ In Reply To ..]
The way the offices are today I doubt very seriously you would get anyone to talk with you about their patient even if it is your husband. I went behind some backs one time, my mother and then my aunt, her sister. My mother suffering from cancer and I knew when I visited during the week, weekend she was not doing physical therapy like supposed to and I made appointment to see her physician out of town. She was in the hospital next door in intensive care unit and I had no idea she was there, her husband had not told me. She died a week later. As far as my aunt, made appointment to go by her doctor's office and they said they could not talk with me. I said fine, but take a pen and paper and listen to what I have to say. My aunt needed to not live by herself and she LOVED her physician, would not listen to her son or me. I told them she was falling in her house, probably low on blood as complained of feeling cold excessively plus other things and I knew she went there and I knew how much she loved her doctor and something needed to be done. That afternoon while I was visiting her the office called, asked her to come in to have her blood checked, the physician told her it was time she made other living arrangements and there it was.

Could you drive when you go out or is that his thing? I do all our driving. With hub's job he drives 18 wheeler and does not want to drive while home. I like my driving better anyway. With what you are saying I would be terrified of his driving alone much less with me in the vehicle.

This could be an issue with his blood sugars, high or low will cause dysfunction but also sounds like perhaps early dementia of some kind? I would definitely make an appointment with therapist/physician and even if they do not talk about him with you, you can certainly sit there and tell them exactly what is going on and that they should listen because if anything should happen, they have been made aware of it. Good luck!

When my dad had Alzheimers, his doctor would talk to - mom, me, brother. I mean, it was SM

[ In Reply To ..]
obvious we just needed info to care for him, no HIPAA issues. It wasnt as if Dad was going to go to a lawyer and sue anybody.

That is good but that was my story - Precious

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and I was not allowed to discuss my aunt and when she fell in her home she asked me NOT to tell her son. Well, her son and I were the 2 people who visited her mostly and I could tell she was very frail, getting unable to care for herself, trying to, not working out and I would have loved to discuss but got the point across otherwise without doing so. It worked for me.

Thank you all for your thoughts - Worried and frustrated

[ In Reply To ..]
It's so hard, because most of the time he seems so normal it's easy to believe it was just a "senior moment," and I guess I'm a little afraid of rocking the boat - but this one last night really rocked me! He's always been the driver, used to drive for a living and never had an accident that was his fault. And he always comes back home safe when he goes out, so far. But it makes me wonder if he's making other mistakes that I wouldn't know about when he's driving alone.

I guess I'll start with our family doctor. Part of me feels I'm "ratting him out," and that I'm blowing this way out of proportion, but what if there really is a problem?

Yeah, I better talk to our doc. Thanks!

basis of anger - fear

[ In Reply To ..]
The last 5 years of my mom being able to live independently were very difficult. She would say things, do things, and later deny those things. Would get mad as a hornet if I contradicted her perception that things were okday. I started telling her I was going to walk around with a video camera to prove myself (I was always wrong, according to her, and it was infuriating).

She fought so very, very hard not to show her symptoms of dementia. She was aware of what was happening and completely out of control of being able to control her decline. That was the basis of her anger. If she just protested enough, then it would not be true. If she just fought hard enough, she would not lose her faculties. It happened anyway.

I really do think you should not feel like you are "ratting" out anyone. You love him, your family loves him. It will take all of you working together to help him to figure out what is wrong and the best way to approach it. He probably will not cooperate, but all of the rest of you should.

Also check for UTI - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
My grandmother was starting to forget things more, moods were altered, etc. Turns out she had a SEVERE UTI that had gone unnoticed. After being on antibiotics she started to return to "normal". It's amazing how something so simple can cause such a huge shift in cognition and moods. Good luck

OMG, Yes!. I do geriatric acct and UTI can really mess with - the minds of the elderly. nm

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x

Yes, do not jump to conclusions - Depression, worry, vision problems

[ In Reply To ..]
hearing problems, migraines. I think there could be multiple causes. Perhaps TIAs. A really good checkup with a complete past medical history/chief complaint/family history would be a really good thing to have. Pain can be very distracting--arthritis?

From experience, my hubby got very distracted and withdrawn. I attribute it to boredom. We invested in some vacation property and he has better concentration and interest in the world again. Perhaps even an antianxiety med would help concentration. Don't imagine the worst.

He is 59. That is NOT elderly. Just saying. NM - Maggie May

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:(

Ever hear of early onset Alzheimers? People in their 40s - can have early onset Alzheimers. nm

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x

59 being elderly? - PR

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Years ago working inhouse at hospital I had a physician dictating, as most did back in the days, and noticed he would call lady 59 and elderly and then maybe a 59 year old man would be middle aged. I asked him why the difference and he told me just the look of the patient. I don’t think 59 elderly but then past that age- that may be why I consider around 95 elderly now.

Sleep apnea - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Hubby at about 55 started having close calls, almost running red lights. He was diagnosed with sleep apnea, got a CPAP machine, and now I don't worry anymore.

Two things... - Bindi

[ In Reply To ..]
1. Are you listed as your husband's power of atty for healthcare? If so, you have the right to discuss him with his physician and to be present at visits.

2. Make sure the doctor checks his thyroid. When my mom was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's, her Internal Medicine doctor stated that he wanted to first rule out thyroid disorder, as left untreated this could mask dementia.

Good luck. I'm sending good thoughts your way.

Not sure I worded that right... - Bindi

[ In Reply To ..]
Re thyroid disorder, doctor stated if undiagnosed and left untreated, could be mistaken for dementia.

Update - Worried and frustrated

[ In Reply To ..]
We talked today and he agreed for me to come to his next doctor's appointment as well as his next therapy appointment, and he offered to let me do the driving while we're sorting it out.

For a little more background, I'm a little jumpy because ten years ago my father died of Alzheimer's, and now my mother just went into Hospice with Alzheimer's. It's really rare to have both parents die of Alzheimer's, and right now everything looks like dementia to me. I called my sister, who is my mother's health care proxy, and she said a lot of the things you people have suggested - meds (he's on two antidepressants and two diabetes meds), pain (he's had chronic back pain since an accident in 2004), deafness, which has been getting worse for years, and even possible night blindness. He hasn't been to an eye doctor in about eight years. So we have a lot of places to look first, and I'm glad to be reminded about that. I'll keep you all posted, and thanks for all your good wishes!

Good luck - BTDT

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm glad to hear he's agreed to go; that's a huge step in the right direction. There are quite a few other things it could be, so maybe telling him that could ease his mind a bit. We had to tell my mom that she was accompanying my father to his appointment for collateral information, and then took it from there! She was fine with it afterward. Good luck with it all.

Your plate is way full - Adults/children

[ In Reply To ..]
You have been there and have seen so naturally you're worried about your husband. I remember when my last husband was really sick with kidney failure that he was angry, upset, mad and I knew illness was playing a big part in that and just said a prayer like "Lord, I know he's ill"- hard to put up with because of their illness then the spouse sometimes catches the verbal abuse, etc. I think your driving is paramount, really good thing and hopefully you can find out what is really going on. The best of luck to you and please give update. There is a wealth of knowledge on this board and people will share what they know, what they have been through and lots of time it has been so helpful to me.

That's great news (sm) - Angie

[ In Reply To ..]
My first thought when reading your post was that his blood sugars are no in good control. I used to supervise a large department and one very good employee was making very unusual mistakes. I counseled her one day and she did the same thing the next day. When I asked her if she remembered our meeting the day before she didn't. When I mentioned that to the manager I found out she was diabetic and this happens to her when her sugars are out of whack.

Other possibility is that as we age we can get a vitamin B deficiency which can cause dementia-like symptoms.

I'm so happy to hear your update! Please let us know how it goes. Sounds like he realizes there is a problem and thank goodness he isn't being too stubborn to see the doctor!

Dementia - GrateMT

[ In Reply To ..]
If the doctor gives him the Mini Mental Exam and he has problems with some of the answers, then he can be mad at the doctor and not you. You may recall, my MIL has dementia. She knows she has problems with short-term memory so is not angry with any of us. She also knows she sometimes does not remember her directions when she is driving. But, she has always been the main driver in her family and so takes her sister with her whenever she has to drive somewhere. (They are both retired and widows, so it works out okay) Even just to the post office or grocery store, everywhere... They usually turn it into an outing and have a quick lunch out, too.

Hoping you find a diagnosis soon so that you can begin fighting whatever it is.

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