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ASKING SPOUSE FOR PERMISSION
Posted: Jul 15, 2010
I am wondering how many people out there have to "ask" their spouse for permission to do things, buy things, own things, go somewhere etc... I was outside chatting with my neighbors, (one man, one woman) it was getting hot so I suggested we take our conversation to my covered patio and have a couple of beers. The man said he had to go "ask" his wife, came back and sat with us, but said his wife said no beer... He also always says things like, "she doesn't want me to, she doesn't like when I, she says I shouldn't..." My female neighbor and I think he's hen pecked, but whatever.
Another friend said she wanted to buy some new shoes, but her husband didn't like them so she didn't get them. (?? is he going to wear them??) She said that if she did get them, he wouldn't "let her wear them". (!!)
My brother and his wife always "ask" for permission from each other to go hang out with their friends, go to the store, ake money out of the bank, stuff like that.
My husband and I don't ask for permission from each other. We are both grown ups and don't need permission to make purchases, buy shoes, drink a beer, hang out with friends. We do respectfully tell each other our plans, but we don't "ask" each other.
It's annoying to me, I mean, yeah, allow each other the courtesy of knowing when a major purchase is going to take place, if you're gonna be gone for a long time..., but do you as independent adults "ask" your spouse/partner for "permission" to do things?
;
re: mousy - sl
[ In Reply To ..]I come from a family of strong headed, hard working women. We don't play that game. To me its weak.
urgh hate asking! - :)
[ In Reply To ..]I have about had it with my BF. I feel like I have to ask him just if it is okay to sit next to him while he is watching t.v. This keeps up and he won't be my BF any longer.
Some of what you call asking permission I consider - courtesy to a partner. sm
[ In Reply To ..]If my partner is going to take off somewhere or I'm going to go some place, I consider it courtesy to ask my spouse if he minds if I go. In this hectic overworked world, he may want to spend some quality time together without all the daily pressures. There may be things that need to be done at home that should be given a priority. He may have wanted to spend some surprise romantic time with a picnic basket down at the pond. Maybe they were in the middle of a project they had been working on for weeks before you presented them with an excuse to set it aside once again.
Also, you don't know what goes on in the house, either. Maybe the husband has a couple beers with you and then goes home and once rolling, comes home and finishes off a 12-pack and has some alcohol-related problems. Maybe some people don't like the idea of sending off a sober spouse and getting a tanked one back.
In this time of tight finances, I don't think asking if the budget can handle the expense of a $100 pair of shoes is out of line.
It's also possible that they don't really want to do whatever it was they were invited to do, and they can use the spouse's refusal as an excuse to make them the bad guy.
I'm sorry that you don't think being courteous and respectful to a partner can go hand in hand with being independent. Obviously, we look at relationships differently.
re: sm - iHop
[ In Reply To ..]Courtesy, yeah... but if there are things that need to be done around the house, then they should be taken care of by either of you. Are things around your house only taken care of when both of you are there? As far as the beer thing, sure you have a point, but to have to "ASK" you spouse then come back and say "my wife told me no..." rather than just refusing the drink sounds like another poster put it "weak".
If both adults in the relationship are working adults and responsible equally for the finances, why should they ask for permission to make purchases? Courtesy and respect is fine, but I do think it's silly and odd to "ask" if you DH wants to to hang around when you want to go somewhere... ~just me
Yes, there are things that fall to one or both to do. - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Say you've been waiting for a month to get a dry weekend so you can get outside and get the fence built, the garage painted, or the grass mowed. So after getting breakfast taken care, inside chores, or wanting the ballgame, SO now wants to go kill a couple of hours over at the neighbor's house hefting a few brews. Having seen the handiwork of some folks after a few beers, it comes down to putting the project on hold again until both your schedules allow or you let someone under the influence operate power saws, hammers, and a plumb line.
And before you spend the money on a pair of darling Jimmy Choos that you simply must have, your partner has made note of the fact that your tires are need replacing.
If you're each going your separate ways spending your money as you want, it seems more like you have separate lives rather than a partnership. JMHO, of course.
I agree with you totally - I learned a long time ago - you don't just "tell" the other
[ In Reply To ..]what you are going to do. You need to have respect for the person you live with whether or not you are married. It was a hard adjustment to make after being single and living alone. Did what I wanted, when I wanted, bought what I wanted. Then I married. The first couple times I "told" him I was going to do this or that, he explained that he doesn't just "tell" me he's going to do something. He has courtesy and respect for me that he should check to see if I had any plans or wanted to do something and I should give him the same respect. If you feel like your an adult and just can do whatever you want when you want then you should stay single.
We don't have friends, family, or neighbors we get together with, but when we lived in an area where I did get together with coworkers and went out for desert and coffee sometimes I'd call my DH at work and just say, tonight the girls wanted to go to such-n-such a place for some pie and coffee. Would you mind if went, or did you have anything special planned. Sometimes he'd say, no that's sound great have a good time, or sometimes he'd say, can I call you back because I'm not sure what is going on later. Most of the time he'd end up going out with his friends. But there were a couple times I used the spouse excuse and then I'd go back and say, I'm gonna have to pass because hubby had plans to take me out or was bringing home a special dinner. Just something like that. I come from a family of strong women who were their own person, but they also would give their husbands the courtesy of checking with them if they mind doing something. It's just courteous.
On spending - since I work and he doesn't he doesn't really have any large purchases he makes, and when he does he asks if it can fit within the budget, but even though I control the finances I just don't buy things without telling him. Again just courteous.
Maybe people would call me mousy, but I just consider it respectful to my partner to not demand/tell him things. You can be a strong independent woman and still have the courtesy to your partner.
The only thing we do confer with each other on is - sm
[ In Reply To ..]if we spend more than $300 on an item. I'm into shoes and purses and he is into guns and tools. Anything under that amount is no big deal, we pay cash, but anything over is discussed. I have yet to have anything not approved and neither has he :)
ask me not - pl
[ In Reply To ..]NO WAY! I don't need permission from my husband and he doesn't from me. We have a very different kind of relationship than that! HOO BOY! I think I'd go nuts if I had to start asking someone for permission again! I moved out of the house when I was 17, I'm 48 now!
Spousal Permission - tedem
[ In Reply To ..]The \'spousal permission\' people often times suffer from co-dependency but their lack of self-awareness keeps them enslaved. Different strokes. It would be nice if global mental health were more mainstream.
Was it really necessary to get rude? - sm
[ In Reply To ..]This was an attempt to have a discussion, and yet you have to paint everyone who consults with a partner as co-dependent in need of global mental health.
So would it be equally rude to aver that those who go about their life without concern for a partner's input are pathological narcissists in need of mental health services?
Right on - I have courtesy and respect for my - anon
[ In Reply To ..]spouse that I treat him as an equal and he me. We confide in each other and share things. It's not called "getting permission", it's consulting with each other.
I think people who are in relationships where they feel the need to just "tell" their spouse what they are going to do is very selfish and disrespectful and shows all they care about is "me, me, me" and shows they have no concern for input from the person they supposedly want to share a life with.
No we do not ask each other permission - sm - ECMT
[ In Reply To ..]We do have an agreement not to spend over $100 without consulting the other but we don't always do that. I bought us a new garage door opener as it had been broken for 6+ months and he kept whining (the other side worked fine so it was not a big deal not to fix and it was not a high priority as we had other things more important to fix, like our stove first which needed a $250 part, which I had just gotten the part prior to buying the garage door opener). I got sick of hearing it, went out and bought a new one for $140. He was not happy I spent the money but boy did he install it quick. But any thing big we discuss first. He has a friend who asks me if it is okay for DH to go fishing every time they go, I am like, Paul, he can go, he does not need my permission, etc. I guess he has to ask his wife! The only thing that burns me up is when he disappears, look outside and the car is gone, I have no clue where he went. I do like a courtsy, hey, running to the store then Tom's house, just so I know where he is in case something comes up. He doesn't do it as often now as he knows it drives me bonkers but every now and then he still does it. He'd have a cow if I just left without saying anything, so he should understand I would think.
disappearing acts - Giggles
[ In Reply To ..]I know what ya mean about the disappearing! There are times he's out poking around in the garage, "running" the engines on the motorcycle, quad, hobby car, and then all of the sudden I'll hear one of then driving away! Poof! Gone... Sometimes he's gone just long enough to drive around the block, other times it's like he's just gone! Usually, he just goes to visit his mom, so no worries. We're just "quirky" that way I guess!
We are also a couple that talk about major purchases, but if I want a pair of shoes or a new pair of jeans, I'm not calling him to "ask"! He buys fishing stuff all the time. He was out with a friend and he bought about $200 dollars worth of lures and supplies on sale. When they came home his friend made a remark like "i'm outta here before she sees how much you spent. I know if I did that my woman would go ballistic"... kind of weak, yeah.
I had to with my ex, that is one of the reasons he is an ex. - NM
[ In Reply To ..]x
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