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Not my kid, but got teenage issues

Posted: Aug 24, 2010

A very dear friend of my husband and I has gone off the deep end over the past year or more. He is a full-blown cocaine/crack addict and his family has all but disowned him. He pretty much does what he wants and is not anywhere near the point where he feels like he needs help. He has kicked his wife and her 15 year old daughter out of the house several times during his path of self destruction. Most recent was this past weekend AFTER he took almost everything in their house, TV, appliances, furniture, their vehicles, jewelry, anything and SOLD IT! She told the police she did not want him in the house, he told the police he didn't want HER in the house. Since they are husband and wife, the police said until it was settled NO ONE WAS ALLOWED IN THE HOUSE!

She and her daughter came to stay with me and because he was caught with cocaine he was locked up for a mandatory 48 hours detox period. they sealed up the house because they suspected there was dope and weapons. He got out and went back to the house. HE filed an order of protection so my friend and her daughter are not allowed back. (amazing justice system we have here...)

Now, I absolutely understand this is disruptive to them and they are hurt, angry, confused.... But this teenage girl is so selfish! Her dad broke her cell phone during the rampage and that is all she is worried about (or so it seems). Her mom's doesn't have money at this time, but that kid is all up in her face, yelling, screaming, having fits and tantrums that she "needs" a phone... My friend is so depressed at this time, all she can do is sleep, get up and go to work, take her kid to school and is crying all the time from her situation and that kid is unrelentingly selfish. "take me shopping, get me this, get up off your butt and take me to get a phone, take me here, take me there".... Using every 4 and 6 letter work she can think off to express her anger too.

I want to say and do something, but WHAT? I've already told her I'm not putting up with the language in my home as long as she is staying here. She told me "F" off! I said it firmly and not in a threatening way.

They are not "guests" in my home. They really don't have anywhere to do and are technically going to "live" here until she finds a place or is able to go home. We don't know how long that will be and I love my friend and want to be here, I want to help. It's just that kid, even though I'm positive her acting out and stuff is probably a response of some kind to her personal situation, but she's mean and selfish and disrespectful and has such a foul, loud mouth. (I took her to the mall to buy her a couple of things for school and she acted out to the point where I just left, I walked away from her because she was yelling and cussing out a couple of other kids who apparently offended her.)

She even kicked my dog. THAT infuriated me and I sent her to her room like a child and she pitched a huge fit and destroyed the room.

HELP! (I'm thinking about secretly feeding her xanax in koolaid laced with vodka! haha! ...just KIDDING)

Yes, we are making arrangements to get her to a counselor and a narc support group, but surprise surprise, there is nothing "open" at this time. So if we want immediate action, she's got to assault one of us or attempt suicide, then the police can arrest her and the psych team can evaluate her and decide what to do...

;

Run, dont walk, to her pedi - bless your heart

[ In Reply To ..]
and ask for assistance with something to help with ODD/depression. Get this girl's attitude documented. If she trashes her room, take out everything except a mattress, blanket and one change of clothes plus toothbrush. Tell her you will put back one thing a day by earning it with good behavior, including makeup and jewelry. If she kicks the dog again, have her arrested for animal abuse. Lots of times a kid screams for discipline and if the parent can't provide it (is unable to due to the circumstances), YOU can. It is your house. Be understanding, but don't be a doormat. Threaten to go to Family Court and file a CHINS petition against her (child in need of supervision). The state will be forced to provide some intervention...they don't want to take the child from the parent(s), but would rather provide supportive services to help the situation. The state can even provide assistance for housing. A special grant was announced last week to help families who are homeless. See if you live in a city that got the grant. If the kid has health insurance, is there an EAP you can call? Find opportunies to get her to talk calmly - not about anything in particular or anything she cares about. Restrict TV and computer time until she earns it.

Times are tough all over. I commend you for helping someone in need.

situation - alias

[ In Reply To ..]
I commend the OP for trying to help, as well. She took on a lot trying to help someone out. Perhaps, though, this "family" would be better suited at a shelter for the abused. They have counseling there and try to find apartments and such for the residents, as well as legal counsel. They help people become independent again after situations like this one. She could still see her "friend" and would not need to have all that acting out within her own home. The child obviously needs some help, and so does the mom. This is just a suggestion. Good luck to all involved.

You will have to end - this situation

[ In Reply To ..]
I know this is probably not news to you, but this 16-year-old did not develop the capacity to be abusive and aggressive in a vaccuum.

Her mother is not in charge, and she will continue to not be in charge as long as she does not have to take responsibility for her life and her child.

I know you want to help her, but it is an unkindness to your own family to subject them to individuals who cannot respect your home.

Be honest with her - let her know you want to help her, but had no idea (how could you) that her daughter was abusive and incorrigible.

Explain to her that nothing (nothing) is more important than your husband, your dog, your family, and that you will not put your home and your family's well-being in jeopardy for anyone or any reason.

Her husband did not become a drug addict overnight; she failed in her responsibility to keep herself and her child secure, and now she is looking to you to do this for her.

Bow out while you still have an intact home and family.

re: end this siutation - s/m

[ In Reply To ..]
Really? Tell her because she made the mistake of enabling this behavior that OP should kick them out ONCE AGAIN? How cruel. I admire the heck out of a person who is so willing to take in someone who is in dire need of help. The wife and daughter aren't doing drugs! The kid is acting out! She's hurt, angry, frustrated. She's been kicked out of her house by her father AND the authorities who are there to help them! JEEZ! I think I'd be enraged too.

OP, you keep on helping as best you can. have a talk with the kid and mom, lay down rules. Make them feel secure, tell them something like your place is theirs until this is fixed. Tell that kid though, you're not going to be disrespected in your home and tell mom that you expect her to gather up enough gumption to back you up in that matter.

Bless your heart and I'm sending prayers to you all. I don't think I've ever known anyone to go this far for a friend in need.

too old for this - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
There is a whole slew of circumstances. The mother has a job and since the abuse that they have experiences is "verbal", not physical, they do not qualify to go to a shelter or to get immediate help. Believe me, we're not just allowing her to stay. We are really, really TRYING to find resources for them.

I am disgusted that there are no organizations immediately willing to help. Last night we were on the phone for over an hour with a local "crisis center" who suggested that we try to get the father re-arrested and held for another 48 hours so the mom and kid could go home! THEN WHAT?? He comes home again and kicks them out, that's what.

It is unbelievable that we are basically being told that violence needs to occur in order to get immediate help, other than that we need to wait and make appointments for all involved, father, mother and daughter. I am disgusted and sad.

PS. I do not believe I am being a doormat by any stretch. We are really being pro-active in seeking help. Just wanted some extra ears and suggestions and have found that help here before.

My friend IS aware that she enabled her family down this path, she is also seeking to break the cycle and get herself help too. I have talked to the daughter one on one and she is so angry that her mother is so weak, and admitted that is why she acts out. She wants her mom to "be a mom", she wants nothing to do with her dad and just is confused, angry and says she feels like she's out of control. She is willing to get help when it is available, but I guess her outbursts will continue until that time.

I really want to emphasize, I'm not being a mat here, I am intervening, scolding, setting boundaries, rules in my home. What I want is HELP for them, and we just can't seem to find that NOW.

just wanted to say - bless your heart

[ In Reply To ..]
that I apologize if my comment about the doormat caused your feelings to get hurt. I could tell that you are doing a great job being proactive for this family. I only meant to say that it was okay to give yourself permission to stand up to the kid...many, many people avoid a situation you are in because they don't give themselves permission to be the strong leader by saying "I can't/shouldn't discipline someone else's kid."

I stand by my comment that you are to be commended for what you are doing. One of the reasons I mentioned Family Court and a CHINS petition is that the juvenile system can often work faster with specific needs than a private system of healthcare. Our county has a temporary juvenile boot camp for teens who are acting out because of personal issues. The parents are encouraged to participate in the program as well. For this program, an agent of the court (a police officer for instance) can make a referral to the camp without having to involve a judge/court. It is an intensive 6-week program with support afterwards. It is possible that by calling CPS you can find out about any programs available.

about CPS - Kiki

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't believe CPS is the way to go. Counseling yes. Start at the school and ask for resources there. I do think that this child IS, like you say reacting to her circumstances. Poor thing. Perhaps she responded positively to you because you provided guidelines at a time that her mother cannot or will not due to her own issues. Tell mom also, that as long as they are in your home, they need to be considerate of your boundaries.

I hope they all find help soon. I know what a terrible process it is to get help. My ex was an addict and I went through hell for years until, sadly, he overdosed and died. That's what it took for me to finally be free. Even after we divorced, (like addicts do) we were not free of him. No restraining order, tresspass order or arrest kept him away for a long period of time. It is the nature of the disease of the addict. They are not aware of the harm they are causing, and during their small periods of sobriety, we as people who love them unfortunately let them back in our lives time and time again. It IS a vicious cycle, but it can be overcome.

I think it's so good of you to be so willing to help your friend through what is surely a volatile circumstance. I hope that he avoids your home and suggest that YOU get a trespass order for your home while they are there.

Why would you allow the girl to stay - after she harmed your dog?

[ In Reply To ..]
That would be a deal breaker for me.

Acting out? Please. She is 15, old enough to be able to control herself. She's already hurt your dog and destroyed property in your home. What next? She is clearly a danger to you, and not safe to be near your dog, obviously. She should be grateful to you for your help and care, but the selfish little monster is treating you like dirt. Throw the little nightmare out and get some peace back in your life. She doesn't deserve your good heart, and your dog doesn't deserve to be harmed by her hateful behavior.

re: Why stay - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
This child's life has been turned upside down in the span of 1 year or less! I'm not blindly opening my door here. My daughter works as a PO for at risk juveniles and has been helping me with guidelines, resources and ways to help, but also relates that this unfortunately is how the system works.

She kicked the dog, yeah and we got on her for that. She destroyed HER things in the room, not mine (threw clothes around, tore up her notebooks, ripped up family pics...) She IS grateful, she tells so as much as she tells me she loves me like a second mom. When she isn't feeling the burden of having been thrown out of her house, she is at school dealing with other kids who frequently see the NEWS STORIES about her father's latest screw up. Her friends know, her teachers know and she is looked at like SHE'S the freak. Her dope head dad even once went up to the school yelling and screaming down the halls trying to find her to tell her how sorry he was!

Me having a "good heart" is NOT what I'm after here. Her mother and father are split up, her big brother moved out because of this. Yeah, throwing her out of a stable environment would help her so much at this point (NOT). I'm not going to do that.

She is 15 and "able to control herself" and much of her time is spent crying her eyes out and telling us how much she hates her dad. She has been evaluated once, by the way, and she's been diagnosed with DEPRESSION and SITUATIONAL ANXIETY (surprise surprise).
I accompanied her once. She herself told her doc she is sick of fighting with her so called friends but has trouble allowing people to constantly harrass her about her father.

NO, I won't throw this girl or her mother out. My home is big enough that they both have a room and a bathroom and they (dysfunctional as their situation is) are going about their lives as best they can.

Again, the system is what is working against them. Rightfully THEY should be in their own home.

OH! Here it is 2 days later and the husband has been deemed "stable enough to be released to society", came back to their house, finished tearing it up, found some more cocaine and began terrorizing them via phone swearing he was going to find them, drag them back home and they were going to "work it out". The crisis center says we can have him arrested again and he'll be locked up for another 48 hours, but then he'll just be released again. Nice system we've got here. Gotta wait until you're assaulted (or dead) for help.

Again, NO I WILL NOT THROW THEM OUT. They've been through enough.

Sorry this is so long. It just boggles my mind that your solution to this is to disrupt their life YET AGAIN. I don't believe I'd want you as a "friend".

The girl has been sleeping with the dog since that night by the way. She's crocheting him little pink leggings, which will look silly since it's a male dog.

I thank you all for your input. Going to stick this out and look for definitive help for my friends.

Bless you. My best friend was murdered by her abusive husband sm - ChiaPet

[ In Reply To ..]
and I was too far away to help her. She returned b/c "he promised to change" and she had nowhere to go. However this turns out for this girl and mom, bless your kind heart for trying to help.

The mother needs to take off work and go to legal services - mtstudent

[ In Reply To ..]
The dad was given the protective order because the "system" errors on the side of caution. They should have set a date for another hearing in the near future.
The mother needs to RUN to legal services. Get the process started so she can have a law student/intern help her. They can help her file for divorce, deal with this protective order and hopefully get back into her home.
I don't know how much she makes but she would be considered homeless right now and may qualify for emergenncy food stamps. She may be able to apply online. I would get that process started too as they backdate the benefit from the application date.

UPDATE OP - too old

[ In Reply To ..]
Little miss sunshine just called me from school crying. She said that I am the only one who understands what she is going through and wanted to tell me how much she loved me and wanted to say thank you. She said she was having a terrible day because her stupid father apparently was trying to sell stuff to some school kids she knows and the school called the police, but he was already gone.

She says she's sorry she's acting up and has such a short bad temper, but she feels like she's losing her mind and wants her father to "disappear" from her life. She asked me to come and get her because she doesn't think she can handle it.

I wanted to post this to just let those of you who think I should throw her out know what a roller coaster ride of emotions this kid is on. I'm going to pick her up to take her to lunch and then take her to her counselor at school to see if we can do something about the bullying.

I don't know how many of us could handle as much as this little brat is handling and still keep it together enough to make straight A's like she is.

Menacing, disrespectful, foul mouth, manipulative brat... YES. In dire need of love, help and support... ABSOLUTELY.

I really admire you - bless you heart

[ In Reply To ..]
there are times it takes a village to raise a child, but so many people want to ignore another's plight. You are being a hero.

Please, please, please make sure she - doesn't hurt the dog again.

[ In Reply To ..]
The dog deserves your protection, too. She has already hurt him once and will likely do so again when she doesn't get something she wants. Had she done that to my dog, she would never have been allowed within 100 yards of him again. You can tolerate her horrible behavior all you want, but the dog needs to be protected. People who hurt helpless animals are capable of anything.

re: please please please - Code blue

[ In Reply To ..]
The OP already said she intervened. Good grief, I'm SURE she knows about the responsibilities of taking care of a pet. She's opened her home to people in need. That's a generous soul.

That kid, like OP said is troubled because of her situation. She probably isn't a "troubled" kid.

We adopted our nephew when his parents couldn't take responsibility. He used to act out also, but when his situation stabilized and he realized there was a better way to live than what he had been living, he settled down. He's what we call a "normal kid" now.

I think the OP is being played by a very manipulative - drama queen

[ In Reply To ..]
The girl has figured out that the OP thrives on coming to the rescue, being needed, being lady bountiful. When she goes too far, she just cries her crodocile tears, pretends she's sorry, and claims to love the OP. OP's ego is stroked, and the drama queen gets to continue her bad behavior and remain the center of attention. When she pushes too far, more crocodile tears, more sorry, more professions of "love," and she's back in business.

I don't think the dog is safe in that environment. The minute the girl thinks she's lost center stage, she's likely to escalate her "acting out." The easiest target is the most vulnerable--the dog.

good grief, where is your clinical degree from? - analyze much?

[ In Reply To ..]
Did you not see the post where she said the dog sleeps with the child now and that she addressed that with the child when it happened?

Your whole post is a bunch of hooey. You've managed to put down the child AND the OP. You need to stop analyzing posts on a message board and go back to work, because, frankly, you suck at the analyzing part.

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