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Need to talk about mental issues

Posted: Apr 27, 2011

I don't even know where to begin. Right now, I am in such pain and emotional turmoil, but I know it is many times worse for my son. He has been diagnosed with autism (educational diagnosis) later changed to Asperger's, and the initial medical diagnosis was PDD-NOS with ADHD (at age 3). He is now in 9th grade and life is miserable for our whole family. I am coming to believe that he may actually have (either with the above or any combination of things) Borderline Personality Disorder. I believe that my father may also suffer from this disorder, resulting in my family's suffering throughout our formative years and beyond up through now, and my sister told me recently that a therapist she used to see had suggested that as a possible diagnosis for me, though she says she does not recall what they were discussing about me that led the therapist to suggest it. At any rate, I am trying to figure out how to cope with the situation and get him and all of us the help we need, but am finding that to be a difficult task both because of my own problems functioning as well as our financial situation and the fact that I do not have time for much of anything except for getting my line count. I have tried to find a job outside of the home, but I cannot even get a call back from my resume and I believe I would be faced with the same situation in terms of time to deal with the mental health issues. It seems most likely that it would be difficult in a new job to take a lot of time off and, whether or not it is BPD, there is definitely something wrong with my mental health and I have difficulty with doing anything other than the routine of working here at home, and even that is a challenge most of the time. I do not know where to turn at this point. My mother knows that my father is damaged and has damaged my siblings and me, yet she seems to think that I should be able to handle everything that is on my plate (she lives in another state), but with my father she does everything for him despite his horribly abusive treatment of her. I would like to say that perhaps just venting here is all that I needed, but that is too far from the truth for me to even pretend it is so at this point, and I have very little in the way of a support system in place.

If any of you have experienced similar life circumstances or can offer any words of wisdom, it would be greatly appreciated.

;

I'm sorry... - mtmom

[ In Reply To ..]
I feel so bad for you. I also have an autistic son, but luckily he is high-functioning. I have 5 kids. I know how hard it can be. It really makes it worse when you are stuck at home all the time. I joke with my husband that I take a smoke break in the garage with the door open because it makes me feel like I am actually kind of going outside (probably the same thing a cat feels sitting in an open window). While I really can't offer any real words of wisdom, I can say that I think you may feel a lot better if you just get out of the house sometime, only if for 20 minutes. I totally feel your stress of making your line counts. I am going through the same thing. I feel like I am somewhat neglecting my family because if I have extra time, I get on to work to make sure I make my counts so I can keep my job. Unfortunately, I think getting a job out of the house may be worse if your son has a lot of issues that may make you have to take too much time off. Outside jobs are definitely not kind about that. I'm sorry that you have so much built up inside you. I know it would be easy to say get some counseling, but I know that costs money too. Does your work offer an Employee Assistance Program that would maybe even get you a few visits in to a counselor? Sometimes it just helps to talk to someone that is not involved with your family at all. I wish I had more to offer you, but I can pray for you. Can't have too many prayers. :)

Hang in there.

Thanks mtmom - (sm)

[ In Reply To ..]
I appreciate you responding. Sounds like we are in similar situations, and it is nice to know someone can relate. We have insurance through my husbands's work and are planning to seek counseling, but, yeah, between finding the time and the money it makes an already difficult process that much harder. I'm thankful that my son is high functioning as far as his autism goes, but his anger has gotten so out of control lately . . . he punched the mirror above his dresser recently, and has since punched several holes in his wall. It is terrifying, but the inner turmoil that is causing him to lash out in this way must be awful for him, and it is so hard to see the hardships he is facing just trying to get through life and succeed. We really do need help.

I am sorry to talk your ear off, but I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I wish you and your family the best!

Living with a 15-yr-old aspie - It's hard

[ In Reply To ..]
About the only real issue is the lack of personality, NO personality and no social skills whatsoever. These are highly intelligent kids, might take some a little longer to learn but they never forget. Treat him as you would any other child, keep him in the middle of conversations to help with the social skills and know that there are a lot of people out there just like this but they have never been diagnosed and are just considered either odd or stuck up.

I know exactly how you feel - mt

[ In Reply To ..]
I have a 13-year-old with Asperger's that was originally diagnosed as a learning disorder with depression/anxiety/adhd and a whole list of other things, changed to autism when she was 9 and now, this year, the new shrink has settled on Asperger's. She has been on every medication out there and we are in the process of getting rid of as many as we can. She wears diapers because of encopresis and that is the only way we can keep her in school.

I come from a broken family with an alcoholic abusive father who has now been a "dry drunk" for 30 years and I am the only one who speaks to him. He is antisocial and probably has a low IQ, but has never been formally assessed for anything. He is now 75 and slowly dying.

My mother and all 3 of my brothers have depression and my oldest brother without any doubt whatsoever has narcissistic personality disorder. He is 50 and could be on the Jerry Springer show every week with a new story. My mother can out guilt anyone out there - in the land of Passive-Aggressiva, she is the Queen.

My other daughter is 12, was born premature with duodenal atresia and has an autoimmune disorder that is causing scarring alopecia. She will need a wig by Christmas this year.

I have been hospitalized twice for depression 8 and 9 years ago, still take meds including sleeping pills, and work as an MT at home because my kids needs are so high that I cannot hold down a regular job. Some days are good, some days not so good. My income is preventing us from losing our house, just barely and the pressure I feel is enormous.

My advise for you: Be kind to yourself. Laugh whenever you can. Let go of any resentment towards your parents for things that have passed. Don't allow room for rent in your head for anything or anyone other than your family - it is not selfish, it is survival. If there are personality disorders in the family, and even if there are not, the grown ups are who they are and you can leave them to themselves. You are handling things - it is easy to see because you are aware of what is going on around you and you are balancing the needs of your family, but put up a bit of fence with your family of origin and let them deal with themselves. Know that you are a superhero to a very special child, even if he does not act that way towards you. See if you can find a local Asperger's/Autism organization that has parent support - if there is none, PM me and I will be your support.

Try, try, and try again to take care of yourself a little bit each day - even if it is just a cup of coffee with the tv off, the phone off and the computer off.

I have tried various counseling in the past, but honestly what works best for me is Wellbutrin, whatever it takes to get me to sleep at night and my own research into codependent relationships that allowed me to let go of my family of origin's baggage and just take own my family's needs. And mine.

It is not easy by any means and there are days when I can hardly cope, but I do know that I am the best me I can be right now and that has to be enough for everybody. When I know better, I will do better.

Be kind to yourself.

That was beautiful -

[ In Reply To ..]
I am going to take your advice for myself too!!!

I have two sons with Asperger's - cindy

[ In Reply To ..]
My older son was diagnosed when he was 10 and my younger one when he was 7. They are now getting ready to turn 18 and 21 in May. The first thing is make sure the school is providing all services that he qualifies for. My older son, after finishing elementary school was placed in private school placement through the county. I live in Maryland and they had just started a program for children with Asperger's where they had the private school within the public school. The main campus for the school was Hannah More in Baltimore, but he was able to go to school in AA county were we lived. They were a tremendous support. My younger son never had enough problems in school to qualify for this and has done very well in regular public school and is graduating this June.

The next thing you need is a good psychologist. Research the psychologists in your area. Find one that knows what Asperger's is and works with Asperger's patients. If you find a psychologist that works with Asperger's, chances are you might have a group therapy that your son can also attend. I can tell you from personal experience that they do well with a group therapy setting, as they have other kids that are feeling the same and going through a lot of the same stuff, so it is helpful to the kids to understand there are others out there that they can identify with.

Also, check for support groups in your area. When my older son was in Hannah More, the parents used to get together and we would have a support group meeting and sometimes the social workers from the school would be there to help us with coping mechanism. The more you understand about Asperger's, the more you can help your son. You need to advocate for him and teach him along the way how to advocate for himself.

Also, he has a disability and there are probably organizations in your area that will provide compensation for medical care and respite care. I had to make many calls and dig around to find this, but did, as both of my kids were in occupational therapy to help deal with the sensory issues and needed help paying for this and the psychologist.

Also, part of your sons anger might be from not totally understanding his feelings and frustration with problems he is having. My youngest son threw tantrums and I mean down on the ground, kicking, scream, crying full blown tantrums until he was 10 or 11. He had a lot of sensory issues and also processing issues. If I gave him a task to do and gave him too many steps without them being written in a list, he would have problems following the instructions.

Asperger's children are very exact and precise. You need to let them know in detail what you want. Lists work well. Timers if they have problems losing track of time. Explain emotions, etc. Most people are born knowing what happy is versus sad, but these kids usually don't get that and need to learn what others are born with.

It take a lot of patience and a support group is going to help you a lot. You do need to take a little time for yourself because if you are not coping and calmer, you son will not either. You need to be in a good place in order to take care of him.

I wish you all the luck in the world. It is a hard road, but it does get better.

Mental Issues and Asperger Syndrome - Grandma's Hands

[ In Reply To ..]
I have an autistic 12-year-old. My son does not have speech, but it is plain to tell that he tries very hard to talk. The saddest thing he did was while listening to a Michael Jackson CD, he put my hands on his mouth hoping I could manipulate his mouth and make him sing along. He is still in a diaper. My family has made major adjustments. Our house revolves around his needs. However, he is so innocent and such a plain person. He does not and cannot lie. I would rather deal with his problems than those of a 'normal' teenager any day of the week. I know autistic children are a great challenge, but the emotional reward of their trust and love is great compensation. I thank God that He trusted me with one of these little innocent souls. That makes me feel special.

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