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Teenage daughters (long)

Posted: Jul 17, 2011

My 13 year old stole some Barbies from my cousin's daughter. Nothing big, but was special to the other girl and she was very upset. In my heart I knew she did it as soon as I heard but she lied to me multiple times, lied to her my cousin and her daughter and then finally when my cousin drove across town to my house to confront her in person, she said she had thrown them away in the trash can at the restaurant we were at when I confronted her the first time. Went back and made her go through the dumpster and all of the bags for about a half hour before I talked to the cashier and found out someone had found them and turned them in. Made her dumpster diving stinky self return them and apologize to her cousin but now I feel horrible because she did it in the first place, and she is MY child. So is there anyone out there who has had an issue with stealing and how did you handle it? Right now she is grounded for life, no computer unless it is school related which means not until at least next month, no Ipod and all of her toys are bagged/boxed up and out of her room. Only books and thinking about taking everything but her bible at this point. Probably making too big of a deal about it but I'm making the jump from bold straight faced lying to her turning into a serial killer down the road. HELP!

;

Stealing - The Analog Kid

[ In Reply To ..]
It's kind of a leap from lying to becoming a serial killer, most kids lie at some point. My son stole some Matchbox cars from the babysitter's disabled son. I made him give them back and apologize to both of them, and then made him go back the next morning when I went to work. He was humiliated and didn't want to go back. He never took another thing from them, and had never been accused of stealing again.

I think the dumpster diving and admission of guilt was what should have been done, I think removing everything from her room was a bit much but that's just me. Try not to take it so personally that she did this as a result of your teachings, she just did a stupid teenage thing and thought she could get away with it. Guess she learned different.

Taking all of her things away seem a bit much, being grounded and taking away the computer for awhile would have been enough for me. You may want to give her back some of her things in a week or so if she keeps her nose clean as a reward for good behavior.

Stealing - MGC

[ In Reply To ..]
You did the right thing. She definitely needs to understand there are consequences for bad behavior. I agree with the OP in that if she shows remorse and understanding of why she's being punished, maybe getting some of her things back in a week. Hopefully she's communicating with you about why she did such a thing.

Wishing you all the best.

teenage daughter - sad mom

[ In Reply To ..]
Thanks, I am calming down somewhat. Still thinking of not returning her Barbies but probably will. We are also moving at the end of the month so it is a convenient time for me to make her box it up, maybe when we get to the new house will be a good time to see where she is at. Honestly, in her case just the dumpster dive should stop her from thinking about doing it again. This is the girl who doesn't even like to load the dishwasher at home because other people's food and germs are on them. Thanks a lot for responding!

Just a question.. sm - Gigi

[ In Reply To ..]
What was the point of throwing them away? She stole them, that's one thing. If she stole them to play with them herself would be another thing. She stole them and then threw them away; what was the point of that? Did she do it because she was mad at her cousin? She seems angry at something resulting in the stealing and throwing away of the dolls.

Taking something because you want it for yourself is common; stealing something so someone else can't have it is another thing entirely. Just something to ponder....

Hope it all works out for you and her.

My guess would be -

[ In Reply To ..]
That she threw them away so she did not get caught with them. She probably felt guilty after stealing them and did not want to get in trouble once she was caught with them. Just my guess.

answer - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
She threw them away to get rid of the evidence so she didn't get in trouble and it didn't work out the way she planned. Likely if we had gone straight home she would have found a place at our house to hide them and get them out to play with.

I have a daughter that just turned 14 last week. - She be starting

[ In Reply To ..]
starting high school in about 2 weeks. I can't imagine her stealing Barbie's from another child. If it were my 8 year old, I would probably say it's an age thing, the child just wanted something they didn't have but not at her age. I'm not sure how old the cousin is, but I would definitely be concerned at why she did it and be on the lookout now.

I think you were very appropriate with her punishment. I never fully trust my children because they are children, but there should be some level of trust. She is at an age where you really need to have that. Within a couple of years, she will be driving, asking to go out with friends alone. Build the trust now and let her know what you expect and consequences if she doesn't follow your rules. You need to know that she is going to be a good decision maker, stealing is not one.

teenager stealing - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
My daughter was only about 5 or 6 when she started stealing candies at the gas station or store that I wouldn't buy. Not only did I not want this to become a habit I also didn't want anyone to think I had her take them and hide them for me. I took her down to the police department and had an officer speak to her about what can happen if you steal. She has never done it since. Think it is best to nip in the bud. Don't blame yourself. Kids do dumb things because they just don't understand what can really happen.

This too shall pass. - Give her a break.

[ In Reply To ..]
That is not to say she should not be punished, but let the punishment fit the crime. "Grounded for life" will probably do more harm than good. This is a common thing among teenagers, even shoplifting makeup at stores and such. Many parents think their child would never do such a thing, but it has probably happened and they did not even know about it.

The dumpster digging and having to apologize probably did more good than anything you actually dish out at this point because she has been so humiliated and at this point, to her, it was probably not worth it. However, it is your job as a parent to punish her. Just don't go overboard with it.

May I suggest that once the punishment is over that you have a heart to heart talk with your daughter about the trust that someone mentioned earlier. You really need to drive this point home to her. She stole and she lied. Once you have calmed down enough and are over your anger, you need to let her know that you are disappointed and especially hurt, no longer angry. The trust issue is a big deal, and you need to explain to her how it should be a big deal to her too. Use examples to get your point across to her. Make her earn your trust back, and do not make it too long a time. Afterwards, never ever bring it up again. Let it go. Do not continue to punish her and humiliate her in the future by discussing it or telling anyone. If that sort of behavior does not change, however, I would definitely think about some counseling for her, but I believe this too shall pass. You sound like the kind of parent who will raise a smart and honest young lady that you will one day be very proud of. Just remember that.

Thanks - not as sad mom

[ In Reply To ..]
That is why I came here, to get honest opinions from people who do not know either of us so no other family members or friends need to know. It was that she did it and couldn't tell us why, just a spur of the moment decision and has our family not able to trust her now. I am over my anger at this point, shocked and disappointed obviously but the crisis has passed. Her brother doesn't want her to be grounded anymore, not sure why, because they are playing cards and getting along right now. Probably a week will be the longest I can stand to punish myself having her here 24/7. Will only be allowed to go to her grandparents house at first, will work into other places as she shows how she can behave. Thank you all for your answers and support.

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