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Need some advice on how to handle a school situation with my daughter.
Posted: Oct 31, 2013
My daughter is 13 and in the 7th grade. A few days ago, she tells me that she is in a "blue" mood because there are rumors being passed around about her. I ask her what the rumors are and she said her friends won't tell her because they don't want to hurt her feelings. Clearly, my daughter was upset. My daughter is a straight A student, very kind hearted, and well liked. She has lots of friends and tries to be nice to everyone. So someone spreading rumors about her is just unreal. I asked her if she wanted to talk to the school counselor or if she wanted me to get involved and talk to the principal. She was adamant that she did not want me to get involved. The next day I picked my daughter and one of her friends up from basketball practice and I decided to ask more questions. The friend said someone was saying my daughter was a "whore." When I asked who, she said she didn't know who started, but with a little creative questioning, I have come to the conclusion that is a certain boy who used to like my daughter and got mad at her when she talked to another boy. So he and a friend of his have been saying my daughter is a "whore" and that she "uses people." It's all so very silly to me because at this age they don't date or at least my daughter doesn't and for these boys to be starting this so soon, not even in high school yet, just makes me angry.
So again, I have asked my daughter if she wants me to call parents or the school, because I am more than willing start yelling at someone. She tells me she's afraid it will make it worse. So now I'm at a loss. On one hand, I understand my daughter's position that it might make things worse if I get involved. On the other hand, with all the stories you hear about kids committing suicide because they are being harrassed and bullied, I feel like I HAVE to get involved. It's been 5 days since it began. So maybe I should see how next week starts? Or should I just call the principal and counselor and let them get to the bottom of it? Or should I call the parents of the kid who's causing the problem?
Thanks for listening!
;
That is a tough one. - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I'll start off by saying I don't have any advice--I'm too afraid of giving "bad" advice! But I do understand both your position and your daughter's position. It sounds like she is a sweet girl and you are a caring mother. Hopefully, this will all blow over. I remember a girl calling me that name when I was your daughter's age. It really bothered me (whore?! I'd never even kissed a boy!), but it blew over--probably because the little brat found someone else to pick on. :)
Not a parent but - I would lean in the direction of proactive
[ In Reply To ..]If *I* could find out who the boy was, I might have a little chat with him, or go through school channels. Or maybe my husband would :)
In the meantime, monitor her very very closely and see if you can't get some 'off the record' advise from the school administration.
I'd also teach my daughter not to care what other people say so much - after all HER opinion of herself is far more important. She could try speaking directly the boy in question herself - asking if he is doing this and if so to please stop.
Again, not a parent. So my advise is possibly useless :)
advice - anon
[ In Reply To ..]I think you answered your own question. You said you feel like you have to get involved and you should. Go by your gut instinct. You would kick yourself later if things escalated and you didn't step in. Just my own opinion.
Past experience - anon
[ In Reply To ..]When I was in school, what seems like a million years ago (HA)I was bullied. I wish my parents and school would have done something. Back then you were pretty much told to "suck it up." To this day, still remember the words and the bullies.
Hope for the best for you. It's not an easy call to make.
On a side note, a young girl in my area committed suicide last week. She was 15 and had been bullied. Unfortunately, her older sister has been bullying a friend's daughter. How messed up is that?
Yikes, I have a totally different point of view - anon
[ In Reply To ..]Definitely the minority here but I have *3* teenage boys. We all have a very good and close relationship and just like you with your daughter, they know I would have their backs in any situation, any time, any place. And, I trust them completely to tell me or give the signal when the time is right for me to step in. However, they also trust ME not to step in unless they say, and unless it's something they can't handle. A parent - especially a MOM - stepping into a teenager's situation can be deadly. Not only does it ruin the kid's "street cred" at school but it makes them look like "babies" in front of their friends and that is the last ... very last ... thing they want.
If this were my daughter, I would sit her down and say something like, "Look. I know you don't want me to get involved, and I won't, unless you tell me to. BUT ... you HAVE to promise to tell me if this gets over your head, into something you need help with". Then, wait for her to give the cue. TRUST. Trust her to let you know when it's time ... and if she gives you that signal, then go in with all guns blazing.
Right now, the perception that their friends have of them are the most important thing on earth. In the teenage world, status is everything. If her friends get the impression of her that her "mommy" fights her fights for her, trust me when I say it will make her life a living hell. Trust her to tell you when it's time, and in the meantime, be there for her if she wants to talk and to let her know she has a friend she can come to when she needs support.
I'm with you -- OP, the above is good advice. - also a mom
[ In Reply To ..]100 percent.
Go kick some butt!! - ZvilleMT
[ In Reply To ..]It may seem to your daughter that things will get worse if you get involved, but when she's 25, she'll thank you for it. Go talk to teachers, guidance counselors, principals - anyone who will stand still long enough - and if that doesn't work, call parents. Demand that this kid take back what he's said about your daughter, apologize to her, and make sure he never says anything of that kind about anyone ever again. Someone needs to give that kid a "come to Jesus" moment - if this is happening in the 7th grade, I'd hate to see what he'd be like in the 9th grade or further on unless someone stops him.
I wish you the very best of luck on this one - for you and your daughter. Be sure to tell her this won't last forever - after high school she'll never have to see any of those people again if she doesn't want to :)
Agree with you - SM
[ In Reply To ..]It's fine for parents to let some decisions up to their kids, but in my opinion this is not one of those times. She is a minor, and really still a child. I think it's a parent's responsibility to step up to the plate in a situation like this. Kids should not be expected to handle everything and know what is best for them. This needs to be addressed and soon.
i am actually taking my 14 year old son out of school because of - peer pressure
[ In Reply To ..]My son sounds like your daughter, very nice person, kind, helpful. He has already been hit in the face with a basketball this year..supposedly not on purpose. Now last night he had a couple of "friends" over to hand out candy while my husband and I took my youngest trick or treating. One of the boys texted me and said they were bored and wanted to go walking. I told them they could put turn off the lights and go inside and hang out. He lied and told my son i said he could do whatever he wanted. My son knows better, he is not allowed to go walking at night even with friends. So the 2 left him there and my hubsand and I saw them quite a long way away from our home. I talked to one's mother and the other one i don't know as well so I just took him home. My son told me they were also trying to "give him advice he didn't need". He didn't elaborate on this. I asked him if it was about girls and he said no. whatever it was it made him uncomfortable. He was in tears all night long. This is a child who almost never cries anymore. I cannot have on my conscious my son hating every second of his life especially as a teenager. I know how impulsive teenagers can be and I just can't take the chance he would do something drastic because he hates school. So I told him I would start the process to home school.
Does he want to leave school? - nm
[ In Reply To ..]nm
oh yes he is the one who suggested it - not me
[ In Reply To ..]i have no problem with it though
is there a reason you didn't tell this kid - to call his OWN mom?
[ In Reply To ..]It's so inappropriate for this kid to be asking permission from you. All you had to say was "I'm not your mom - call your own mom." You shouldn't be answering text messages from a 14-year-old boy.
he was using her cell phone. I thought it was inappropriate too - and yes i went to her house and told her
[ In Reply To ..]right after he sent the texts
Yelling and Kicking Butt? - see msg
[ In Reply To ..]I don't think your daughter needs to think you are ready to "start yelling." Maybe that's why she doesn't want you to get involved. I agree something needs to be done, but when parents start yelling, kicking butt, etc., they are just behaving immaturely.
It's unfortunate these days that there are soooo many bullies. It used to be just one on the school-yard. Our kids are totally messed up these days. And there's also electronic opportunity for bullying. Used to be, if it happened at school or in the neighborhood, it stopped when the kid was at home. Now it can be 24/7 if kids are allowed unlimited access to social networking, e-mail, etc.
It's good your daughter talked to you. Kids ARE under more pressure these days to do sexual things that many of us wouldn't have even thought of doing at the age of 13. Kids are out of control, and there's more opportunities to "do it." Back in my day (I'm 58), one of the parents was ALWAYS home when we kids came home from school. Sure, some kids still "did it," but it was a lot more difficult to find a place and/or time, and you can betcha if a parent wasn't home and a neighborhood parent saw a boy coming into the parentless home, the parents got called.
I don't know how secure your daughter is---if you have been home with her, are always there for her emotionally and she has not been emotionally or physically battered at home by anyone, she will continue to open up to you.
Personally, I would not take any chances with this. But I would not go yelling and "kicking butt." A better approach would be to calmly (we're trying to teach our kids, right?) but sternly notify a school authority.
UPDATE on the situation with my daughter. - SM OP
[ In Reply To ..]I spoke with the counselor at the school today. I just felt I had to. We came up with a plan. The counselor is going to call my daughter in today and basically tell her that a couple of her teachers feel like she seems sad and that she’s not herself. She wants to try to get her to open up about it that way. So we’ll see how that goes.
Thanks for all the advice. It was really helpful in pushing me to make the decision to call the school. It was the right way to handle it. I can see how things play out from here and decide just how pushy and angry I need to get. :)
I don't think adults lying is ever a good solution - sm
[ In Reply To ..]So now the counselor will be making up a story about your daughter's teachers and how they perceive your daughter. That's terrible. Honesty is always the best policy, and the counselor's approach is nothing more than codependent nonsense.
First of all, if the teachers are on board with the counselor's - OP
[ In Reply To ..]approach then it isn't "lying" now is it? And many of her teachers are on board. She is well liked by all her teachers and none of them want to think that she is upset or sad about anything.
Second, I noticed you would criticize this approach and yet you offer no helpful advice or solution. Typical.
If I were to post that I had set my older son after those boys, you undoubtedly would have cried foul, decrying my violent approach.
Confronting parents is my next step should these boys not get the hint from the principal. I know their parents and at least one set are very active in this small community, so it simply wouldn't do for their son to be accused of bullying. So I always have that ace up my sleeve. And since that boy is the ringleader, the other should fall in line quite nicely.
nonsense - sm
[ In Reply To ..]You never mentioned anything about her teachers making observations that she was unhappy.
The advice I offered was that I didn't think adults lying was a good solution. So I don't know what you mean when you say "typical."
Of course I would decry a violent response. The idea that you would criticize me for my hypothetical response to this hypothetical scenario is silly. Do you want a pat on the back because you didn't tell your son to beat someone up?
What I don't understand is how these boys are going to get "the hint" from the principal. Maybe I missed this part of the plan. I thought the counselor was going to try to tease out information from your daughter based on made-up observations from teachers. I didn't read anything about the principal even being aware of the problem.
I don't think "hinting" about anything is a good approach. I think the principal should read these boys the riot act - no hints, no winks, just the truth and the consequences.
I don't believe in playing games, having things up sleeves, and hoping people get hints.
When it comes to my daughter - A woman scorned looks tame in comparison
[ In Reply To ..]I'm very reactive. If this were my daughter in your daughter's situation, I would go confront those boys' parents and tell them if THEY didn't put a stop to the situation with their sons, *I* would...and make it quite clear they would not particularly like the way I would handle it.
Ever seen that scene in Hand that Rocks the Cradle where the nanny confronts the bully on the playground? Yeah, I'm THAT mom. Mess with my baby and you shall feel the wrath of Hades unlike anything you have ever experienced before.
If the parents have a shred of decency, they'll deal with it IMMEDIATELY.
Good luck to you with this situation. Kids like those boys you described really, REALLY irk me...as do their parents, who apparently never taught them better. Ugh.
children use words they don't really fully understand - the meaning of
[ In Reply To ..]in an attempt to sound more grown up than they are. If you directly asked the kids saying your daughter is a "whore" what it means and if they can name (for example) characters on TV they believe are "whores", you may find them to become embarrassed and unable to explain themselves. Many kids at this age are just learning what having sex actually means. They are trying out the use of words like they are trying on hats, without understanding the consequences of their actions. I think enlisting the aid of a local pastor to have a talk with the boys would have some impact on their behavior.
If it were me and I ran into these boys in public (preferably in front of their parents), I would not have a problem asking them to explain what they mean when they use that word, and also ask them to explain their understanding of "retard", "nigar" and "fag". Sometimes you don't have to be hostile to hold someone accountable for their behavior/actions. Having a direct-to-the-point conversation about things that make them feel uncomfortable about can sometimes stop them in their tracks.
I had the same experience 10 years ago - mother bear
[ In Reply To ..]when my daughter was 15, only it was a girl calling her names. I went straight to the girl and told her not to call my daughter names. She didn't call her anymore names ever again. To this day, my daughter still remembers me doing that and I am truly her "hero." Your daughter may say she doesn't want you to get involved, but I am sure deep down she wants you too and will be relieved and proud when you take control of the situation and have a talk with the name-caller.
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