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My daughter's school will tell her tomorrow if I don't

Posted: Dec 17, 2012

I haven't told my child about Conn. She is not ready for that tragic reality. If I don't send her this week and wait until after the holidays, I risk jail time for noncompliance of state education laws. But all they will do this week is holiday things and not focus on the usual schedule. And she will hear about these things at school instead of me. She is not exposed to TV or radio, or as yet, any friends who might talk about it. I got an email from the principle about the police presence and counseling centers that are planned for tomorrow.

My responsibility is to my child. If someone shoots her dead tomorrow, I would rather she die as an innocent to Friday's events instead of worrying that it could happen to her. She is the same age as the children in Conn.

I want to find a cave that allows me to work by internet and home school where I control her world. I think a lot of parents feel that way.

;

I don't think anyone can jail you for that - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
you would have to tell me what state you are in. No one can be jailed for not telling their child something.

you can be jailed for failure to enforce attendance - worried mom

[ In Reply To ..]
after the age of 7, just about regardless of the state in which you reside.

failure to enforce attendance... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
is not the same thing as keeping you child out of school for a few days. You know that, right?

sad - truth

[ In Reply To ..]
but your child can't be sheltered from this stuff. Unfortunately, this is the world she is growing up in and if you hide everything from her, she will be worse off. It is better to talk about it and even go through drills on what to do in situations like this. I was amazed at how well the children handled it that were involved in it. They were taught about these things and what to do, to remain calm and listen to the teachers. I totally understand your opinion, but just don't agree.

then, obviousley, you don't have an elementary aged child - worried mom

[ In Reply To ..]
and are not qualified to speak to me about how to handle it.

I do not see how anyone can support your position over that of the feelings of a 9 yo child.

You are cold.

Wow. You are fooling yourself if you think - your child is not

[ In Reply To ..]
picking up on your palpable fears. What better, more comfortable setting for a child to be in when learning safety measures than an educational institution, surrounded by all their friends and delivered by professionals who understand the concepts of age-appropriate explanations and presentations of life-saving information and response protocols? As a parent, you owe it to your child to get a grip on this paranoia. It is ruling your thinking and behavior, which by all outside appearances is highly irrational. And yes, I have kids too.

Not sure why you're being so rude - RC

[ In Reply To ..]
That poster wasn't rude to you, no need to get all defensive.

Rudeness.... - none

[ In Reply To ..]
My, you were quick to dismiss her feelings, weren't cha. I think it was rude and she has a right to say she feels that way. Don't blindly support someone who is being rude to others cuz, next time, it might be you.

Point out to me where "sad" was rude. - RC

[ In Reply To ..]
Here's the post, for your easy perusal:

"but your child can't be sheltered from this stuff. Unfortunately, this is the world she is growing up in and if you hide everything from her, she will be worse off. It is better to talk about it and even go through drills on what to do in situations like this. I was amazed at how well the children handled it that were involved in it. They were taught about these things and what to do, to remain calm and listen to the teachers. I totally understand your opinion, but just don't agree."

what planet do you live on - they were taught these things?

[ In Reply To ..]
No, they were not taught these things. They responded to the direction of those in charge. Babies do not live their day-to-day lives expecting to die at the hands of an AK47.

I will pray for you.

Actually - I have

[ In Reply To ..]
2 children. They are teenagers now, but in their schools they (back when they were younger and now) had drills on what to do in these situations. I live in the United States of America and many, many schools are training these children what do do in these situations. Unfortunately, my kids grew up in the real world and what what they are taught about how the real world is now is what may help them in a situation like the one that happened. Back when I was a kid, we were all taught what to do in a nuclear attack, from Kindergarten on. Maybe it is I who should pray for you.

They WERE taught these things - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
YES, the nurse from that school had an interview and said the children HAD BEEN taught disaster drills in case this very thing ever happened. She said they were taught to get under their desks and be very quiet, etc. I actually asked my son if they had those kinds of disaster drills at his school and he said yes. He said they have drills for terrorism, bombs, etc.

I will pray for you - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
My son is a 7-year-old 1st grader. Just as they do tornado drills and fire drills, his school also does Code Red drills, where they, and I quote from his teacher "we are to lock our classroom doors, close the blinds, and hide the children in an area that cannot be seen from the door. The children are to be absolutely silent and wait for any instructions that the teacher gives."

Don't know what planet you are from where they don't teach these things now in school.

I was taught those drills in elementary - RC

[ In Reply To ..]
And we did actually use them once, when I was in 5th grade and there was a man on campus with a gun.

Here is what I would do. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I would keep my daughter home on Monday and talk to her, at an age appropriate level, about what happened. I would not say "shooting" or "children dead" but would say something along the lines of "bad things happen, and a bad person came to a different school far away and hurt some people" and then I would go over the talk about how you cannot trust everyone, just like when mom says "dont talk to strangers, or dont get in a car with strangers."

Then I would proceed to explain that the school she goes to will be talking to the other children and might even do some practice drills in case something bad were to happen, but explain this "like a fire drill" and say that we do drills so that you are prepared and not scared if something were to happen.

Then also tell her that if she feels scared, she can come talk to you or the principal at any time during the day and you will come talk to her or will just talk to her on the phone, or whatever she needs.

Then I would send her on Tuesday so that she can have her christmas party at school and get back to the daily routine that is so important for children.

You are her Mom, you should talk to her at her level and not the school! It will get easier.

a couple things... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
in all the discussion of bad people and mistrust and practice drills, you forgot the main thing: to assure the child that she is safe in her school. Heck, I felt panicked after I read your post.

I also think it's a mistake to put the idea of being scared into a child's head. All you have to do is make sure the child knows you are there to listen if they want to talk about anything - not just when they're scared. You don't have to put that suggestion into their heads.

Frankly, I think "bad things happen" is totally frightening. Keep it simple: one bad guy did one really bad thing. Try to stay away from hystrionic language. Rather than projecting fear, provide assurance and safety.

My Opinion - See Msg

[ In Reply To ..]
My opinion is that your child needs to be told NOW. I understand your fear about her going to school and getting hurt, but the chances of her particular school and her particular classroom out of all the schools and classrooms in the country, getting hit, is quite nil.

You are terrified, which is understandable, but if you don't send her to school you are re-inforcing any fears she might have about this. You need to feel confident to let the kid be alive and go out there. If you shelter her, you are telling her that you are scared to death.

Kids need their parents to be confident. Scared? Of course, and you can tell her that. But behaving like you know something terrible is going to happen will freak her out.

She IS going to hear about this. Tell her NOW.

My opinion... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Unfortunately, you cannot shelter your child from all the evil in the world, which is exactly what this is. I do not think that there is another explanation for something like this, other than evil. I guess I would talk to her before school because if they discuss this at school and she realizes you kept it from here, she is going to think that there is a reason and that it directly has to do with her own safety. You can't keep her out of school forever and this is going to be very in the forefront of all media and people's conversations as well, so she is going to hear about it, better it come from you. You yourself seem to have some fear about sending her, which I don't blame you, but be calm and don't let that come through. Remember as you speak to her that the antithesis to this terrible evil that has sprung up is the beauty in your daughter's face. Good luck!

I would hesitate to use the word "evil" with such a young child - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Evil is a deeply psychological notion. Evil cannot be stopped. Don't saddle a little one with this philosophical conundrum. Kids understand that people that do bad things get punished. Bad guys can be stopped. Kids can be kept safe.

I agree - No time for philosophical discussion

[ In Reply To ..]
I think short and sweet is good. Some people do bad things. I think this isn't a time for complicated discussions on evil or mental illness, that can come a little bit later on.

I think there's too much excusing of bad behavior these days. I do believe in mental illness and someone going ballistic, but we are trying to teach our kids, "you do the crime, you do the time."

This Adam Lanza case is wide open for discussion on mental illness and all, but he did not "snap." These types of mass murderers have their plans well laid out ahead of time. They have their guns, their time of day they're going to to it, everything. It's pre-meditated and crafted out to the detail.

You should have told her something of it, age - sm - XXX

[ In Reply To ..]
appropriate. You infer your child is 6 but say 9 in another post. If she is 9 she can understand fully what happened, if 6, they have drills at the schools now for this so she is already somewhat aware. Our school calls them intruder drills. I understand you want your child not to be affected or aware that there are bad people out there, and nutjobs like Lanza, but they do exist and she should be aware, but again in an age appropriate way as you don't want to freak your kid out. But putting your head in the sand and wishing to lock your kid up in a cave will not prepare her for the real world. I sat down and watch a bit of the coverage with my kids, granted they are older, 12 and 14, but they know there are bad people in this world and that the odds of this happening at their school are slim, granted possible. Their question was "why" did this guy do this, as we are all asking ourselves. Our school is very much like Sandy Hook, though not affluent, more middle of the road. The front doors are open until about 8:15, though school personnel are outside at doors at all times during that time then locked down 8:15 or so, and you are buzzed in after that. No metal detectors or anything like that here. We do have one cop who covers both the middle and high schools, 1 cop for 1200+ kids total of both schools, about 150 kids per grade.

I hope you decide to talk to her. If she is 6 then doubtful the teacher is going to bring it up, other kids will probably not discuss it either. I presume it will be discussed at my kids schools today since they are 7th and 9th grade and I want them to be aware though and hope that they never have to live (or die) thru anything like this themselves, and I don't want them to go thru life with blinders but to be aware but not scared to live.

I have a feeling that you are assuming way too much about... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
what the school is going to tell your child about the school shootings. To set your mind at ease I would call the school and ask exactly what the plan is and voice your concerns. I think that one thing we have learned over the past several days is that we can trust our teachers to do everything in their power to protect our children both physically and mentally.

You can't let your child live in a bubble... - me

[ In Reply To ..]
Bad things happen to good people. You can't protect your child from this kind of thing. In order to survive in the world in this day and age, some kind of knowledge on how to handle bad actions needs to be known by all kids, starting from when they are old enough to understand. Otherwise, they will be clueless. Good luck.

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