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How would you handle this?

Posted: Aug 5, 2010

I am looking for opinions on what you would do if the following happened to you. I have suffered from a rare medical condition since 2001. Initially I underwent an operation to remove a pituitary adenoma and within a year of that had to two revascularization procedures (STA-MCA bypasses) due to my internal carotid arteries being occluded from an inflammatory process (the rare medical condition--lymphocytic hypophysitis) in the pituitary area. Due to the devleopment of diplopia several years ago I also had to have radiation therapy to the pituitary. Since 2001 I have had to be on prednisone at one dosage or another, and over the past year have had to take 30 to 40 mg daily to keep the inflammation under control. Anyone who has had to take chronically high dose steroids knows this is not a drug that makes one look their best and I could probably be the poster child for steroid-induced Cushings. Guess you can say I have been through the ringer!

I have worked at my day job for 23 years and have managed to avoid going on disability which I easily could have, but my pride (or stupidity LOL) will not make me throw in the towel yet, as tempting as it has been. Last Friday a fellow employee who has worked here for a couple of years and I do not know very well (she does know of my medical condition/steroid use) came into my office the other day. She told me "you look REALLY bad, I mean, REALLY sick. Your eyes are all puffy and red, your face is all swollen, and do I not realize how bad I look?" I was stunned and at a total loss for words. I just mumbled something to the effect that I did not realize that it was that bad. I wish I were more thick-skinned and not allow things like that to bother me. I am acutely aware that I do not look well and do not need reminders, but that really got to me. I ended up sending her an e-mail basically saying I was sorry my looks offended her, but due to the steroids which I have to take I have no control over the situation and that her comments were hurtful. She never replied to the e-mail and has not mentioned anything.

Most of the old timers up here know what I have been dealing with over the years and if they think the above, they have the courtesy not to say anything. How would you have handled this situation?

;

NOLA - rude comment

[ In Reply To ..]
Sometimes people hurt us by their ignorance and lack of tact, and she sounds like one of them. Just hold your head up, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Of all the things to be ashamed of in life, puffy eyes and swollen face are definitely not one of them! She is the one who showed herself to be "looking really bad" by her comment. I would let it go, like you do not draw attention to someone else who passes gas really loudly at the desk next to you. It makes you suffer, but the embarrassment belongs to them alone. Hopefully she will learn to refrain from those urges, whether passing gas or making rude comments. Your email may have done the trick and it is good that you let her know.

There are always going to be clods in this world. LOL. However, a short (sm) - yochana

[ In Reply To ..]
"I looked in the mirror this morning and I know what I look like" could suffice. I am sorry what you are going through. But for every clod, remember there are good people that are more understanding. Good for you for sticking to your job...you go girl!! When the time comes for disability you will have the satisfaction that you earned it!!

Like everything else unpleasant in life - SAM

[ In Reply To ..]
I would have made a joke of it, such as:

"I know...it's so much fun scaring small children in the grocery store or other drivers on the freeway! Looking this terrible has its advantages, too, you know!"

I've found using sarcastic humor usually puts the offending individual in their place quite quickly.

BTW, total sympathy with you for the Prednisone effects. I was on 12 mg of dexamethasone (a pretty heavy-hitting dose) for 3 months. My face was horribly swollen, including my eyes, and the swelling made my mouth look practically nonexistent. Geez, even my freaking NOSE was horribly swollen. Luckily for me, I work from home and my husband and daughter were total sweethearts. My husband would respond that I looked beautiful and sexy, even when I knew I looked like I had a Cabbage Patch face. My daughter would tell me I looked just fine to her. Only my mother had the ignorance/nerve to say, "OMG, you're SOOOO swollen, even your EYES are swollen."

I used the above response to her and never gave her comment a second thought.

Good luck to you and to heck with that chick who made the comment. SHE is the truly offensive one here. Your swelling will go away when you can stop the Prednisone; however, her type of offensiveness can't be cured.

Thank you all! - NOLA

[ In Reply To ..]
I wanted to thank you all for responding. Your replies have made me feel much better about the situation.

SAM, I will remember your clever comeback if I am ever in that situation again! I had to chuckle about your comment regarding your mom. Several months ago my dad had to have a steroid injection in his eye and he told me "I don't want to end up looking like YOU with a swollen face and all."
He is 83 years old and it hurt, but I can forgive my dad LOL If I recall, dexamethasone is even stronger than prednisone and I am glad to hear you were able to get off of that. Hopefully one day I can at least wean down to a much lower dose.

Bottom line is the people who truly care about me and love me accept me the way I am and that is all that really matters.

Having said that, I wish I could do MT full time at home so I do not have to worry about facing people! Oh well, maybe one day.....

Wait until you hear this! - Christine

[ In Reply To ..]
Some years ago my brother's daughter was engaged to a guy the entire family just loved. They broke their engagement, and my brother and sister-in-law were just hysterical. They thought of this guy as a son. Anyway . . I, of course, was older than my niece and unmarried. I had tried and looked for some years for a decent man who would treat me right and respect me. I was alone. . still am. Well, at a family picnic my brother blurts out loud to my sister-in-law "For God's sake, don't tell her (my niece) not to get involved with another guy! The LAST thing we want is for her to turn out like Christine!" I swear on my Dad's grave. Some of us still talk about it. Ouch! I'll bet we all have some zingers!

Good for you - Christine

[ In Reply To ..]
I would have handled it exactly the way you did. I tell my friends and family that I could write a book, just listing the ignorant and hurtful things that have been said to me. You stood up for yourself and hopefully made her think. How insensitive and cruel to point somewthing like that out. I am quite sure if she was that rude she made it worse than it really is. I know it's hard, but just try to consider the source and be thankful for the good people in your life. Take care!

ask her if she is aware of her ignorance. - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
.

I would send an email to all your coworkers - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
and say something like....

As you all know I've been having some health problems and have had to undergo extremely painful and difficulty procedures, injections, and medications. I understand I don't look my best, but if you could please not come up to me like (insert the rude person's name here) did and tell me how bad I look I would much appreciate it. It's hard enough dealing with my illness knowing that I don't look as I once did, so I would really just appreciate it if nobody would come to my office specifically to tell me how bad I look and that I should look in the mirror. I would just appreciate a little compassion during this difficult time I am going through.

I'd send it to all my coworkers, her coworkers, our supervisors and HR.

My best wishes to you and this difficult illness you are handling. I applaud you for your efforts at remaining to stay working. Funny how strong our pride is.

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