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How do you handle favoritism in a small town?!?


Posted: Sep 20, 2011

I moved to this very small town 5 years ago, and I have noticed that favoritism, who you know, how much money you have, etc. plays a HUGE part in kids sports, school activities, town activities, etc.  Now, I'm not one of those mothers who thinks that my children are the best at everything they do and deserve to be the star all of the time.  Also I have seen it happen to other kids that aren't my own and I've heard other parents complaining about among themselves whilst sitting in the bleachers at games and practices.

This isn't just happening to "new" kids either.  My sister has lived in this town for years and her kids have always gone to school here.  My nephew is in high school and plays football and basketball.  He's a very good athlete, works hard, is at every practice, and just has more heart than any other boy on the team.  Ever since he was little, he has been this way.  Yet, he is ALWAYS passed over as a starter in lieu of one particular boy whose mother is a teacher in the school district, his father serves on the city counsel, and his grandfather was once mayor of the town.  So this boy is always the star.  He's a good athelete.  He's the quarterback and he's good.  However, he's also the punter and place kicker for the team as well.  No one else gets to even try to do it.  My nephew has proven that he can kick and has kicked in several games when the star was injured.  My nephew made every extra point, every field goal in every game.  Yet when the star came back, they took away kicking from my nephew.  My question is if the star is the quarterback, why does he need to be the kicker too especially when there is another boy who is just as good?  The same thing happens during basketball season, my nephew sits on the bench while the star (same kid) starts every game and rarely gets taken.  Plus the star's buddies all get preferential treatment as well because their parents are buddy/buddy with the star's parents.

When my son was playing sports in high school, I mouthed of A LOT about the favoritism which of course made the favoritism even worse because when you're a mother who doesn't conform, schmooze, and brown nose, you kid gets slighted even more.  My son, however, is like me and saw the unfairness and was very vocal about finally quitting the basketball team. 

Now it has trickled down to my daughter who is a very sweet 6th grader who is nice to everyone and wants to be liked by everyone.  She is an accomplished gymnast and has joined the cheerleading squad for 6th grade boys football.  She is very small and petite and so immediately was picked to be one of the flyers (the girls that get thrown up in the air and do stunts).  They picked three girls total to be flyers.  The coaches said the smallest girls were the flyers because they were easier to lift and toss.  The girls that were lifting my daughter were having trouble because they are young and not that strong yet.  So the coaches decided they should only have two flyers, but instead of keeping the two smallest girls as flyers.  They told my daughter she wasn't going to be a flyer anymore and kept a girl who is a head taller than my daughter and outweighs by 15 pounds.  When I asked the coach about this she told me how they didn't have enough strong girls to bases and so they could only have two flyers.  I then asked so why would you keep the bigger girl as a flyer if the strength of your bases are an issue?  Why wouldn't the two smallest girls continue to be flyers with the strongest bases.  Of course she tried to talk circles around me, but the fact is the bigger girl's mother and the coach are besties and their daughters are besties and the bigger girl is even spending the week with the coach while her parents are out of town.  The bigger girl's grandfather also used to be the superintendent of schools here in my town and when he retired, he donated money to build a performing arts stage at the high school that bears the family name. 

So am I imaging this favoritism?  I don't think so.  My daughter came home in tears from practice when she was taken off of being a flyer.  I sat her down and we talked about favoritism and unfairness in the world and no matter how big of a fit I throw, the coach is going to do what the coach wants to do.  I told her to just go and have fun and if she doesn't want to be on the squad anymore after the season is over, then she doesn't have to be. 

But darn it!  Something has to be done!  It's just not right!  I hate living in a society where it's who you know and whose butt you kiss!  I am so not a butt kisser!  It goes against every fiber of my being.  My husband says I have too much pride and that I shouldn't say anything and just let it be.  But I graduated high school 20 years ago and I'll be darned if I'm going allow grown women to behave like they have an exclusive little clique and the rest of us are outcasts!  Somebody has to call them out on their BS!  Am I right?

;

Favoritism - BeenThereDoneThat

[ In Reply To ..]
You pretty much answered your own question when you stated that mouthing off about favortism doesn't help kids and often makes things worse. Unfortunately, your 6th grader is going to have to cope with things that are not of her doing, but yours. Your behavior will only encourage kids to avoid your girl because they don't want the drama. There is favortism in life from elementary school through work life through who gets the room with the best view at the nursing home. Quit moaning about the favortism and develop some coping skills *yourself* so that you can help your kids deal. You seem to have a problem with it. Maybe you are projecting your own feelings of not being valued onto your kids. The way I see it is that your job is to help your kids have the emotional ability to make the best choice that is not influenced by a sense of entitlement.

Cope or bend over and take it? What kind of lesson is that for my daughter? - MADme

[ In Reply To ..]
Be silent, never stand up for yourself, just let unfairness stand unchallenged?!?!?!

That would be teaching my child to be weak. Life may not be fair, but we can do are darndest to make sure our little piece of it is as fair as possible. I won't learn to "cope" with my children being slighted because my dad wasn't mayor or superintendent or teacher of year or whatever. It is not right!

So what when we see someone bashing a homosexual or being a racist, we should just tell the homosexual or minority person to suck it and learn some coping skills, life's unfair?!!!?

Yeah, that's the lesson I want my children to learn. Thanks oh so much for the crappy advice!

I don't think it's your daughter who needs the lesson - BeenThereDoneThat

[ In Reply To ..]
Twenty years out of high school has apparently not lessened your feelings about the unfairness of it all. Kids pick up their attitudes from the adults around them, and you seem to be teaching your kids and nephew that the world is against them. How difficult and miserable their lives are going to be if all they can see is the negative.

I doubt very much that people are strolling around your town and looking at buildings thinking, "Gee, what a great person so-and-so was. Let's make sure his kids and grandkids are favorites for all time!" As far as athletics go, even Olympic-caliber athletes undergo the subjective opinions of coaches. As another poster pointed out your daughter may not have had all the skills to be a flyer on the cheerleading team. If football and basketball or hockey or whatever student athletes are similar in abilities there may be other reasons why coaches choose to play one kid over another--leadership qualities, certain kids helping out less talented athletes, attitude, drive, etc. Not saying your kids/nephew don't have all of these, but maybe if you focused less on what was being done *to* your kids, you might be able to see what you could do *for* your kids--teaching them that there are better ways to get through life than mouthing off and trying to bully people into giving you what you your own way--*your* own way, mom, because it seems to be more about you than the kids. There is a big difference between belly-aching and whining and standing up for yourself in a mature way.
Middle school sports - BTDT
[ In Reply To ..]
There is one kid on my daughter's 7th grade volleyball team..and she is a GREAT athlete but she has the WORST attitude ever. You can just see her bad attitude on her fact when she is on the floor. Coach doesn't play her much. Just sayin'....

I would say that favoritism is a form of bullying, is it not? - MADme
[ In Reply To ..]
I mean when we hear these news stories about a group of kids shunning and mistreating another kid, don't we all collectively gasp and say BULLY!

Favoritism is the same thing. Isn't the message that is being sent that these girls over here are going to get all the perks because they are my friends or their moms are my friends and I just like them better than you. So as a consequence, wouldn't the act of favoritism hurt the self-esteem of another child?

We call it bullying when kids on facebook and call each other names and such. Isn't favoritism just a passive-aggressive form of bullying?

I believe that I have handled this recent situation maturely. I sent a very respectful and diplomatic email addressing the issue, as I stated previously. That's not to say in the past when my son was playing sports that I always dealt with favoritism maturely. However, I've learned especially when it comes to my daughter that it is important to her that she be well liked and well perceived by everyone. So I have bit my tongue and smiled. But if they are going to just blow me off and think I'll just fade into the background, they've got another thing coming.

Lucky for me, the editor of the town newspaper happens to be an outcast himself being a gay man living with his significant other in a small, rural farming town. He has said if I want to write something up on favoritism, he'll print it. I'm not sure, though, that I'm ready to go that route. I don't want to stigmatize my daughter in the future.
No it's not. - Chill out.
[ In Reply To ..]
I think you are blowing the whole thing out of proportion, and teaching your children a bad lesson to go along with it.
Maybe... - sm
[ In Reply To ..]
Maybe you just don't see it but maybe your daughter just doesn't have the ability that the other 2 girls do. Maybe you think she does, but maybe the coach does not. Ultimately, it is the decision of the coach. That is what they are paid for. Maybe she is being nice to you and just doesn't want to flat out come out and say so.

A COACH not giving your kid a position on the team that you want them to have is not the same as bullying. Sorry.

I can relate..... - was a mad mamma

[ In Reply To ..]
I moved...I hated the small town politics and the butt kissers. It was disgusting. althougn, my daughter was treated pretty good, I still saw it and I voiced my opinion about it even to my child. she understands what was going on and in is a more enlightened person due to that fact. Is there something you can do about it? No, because everyone will think your biased and a whiner if you complain. The only way you can be taken seriously is if you have many standing with you which is not the American way anymore. If you complain as evidenced by the comments made to you, you'll be put down. No one will be on your side unless they experienced it themselves. Good luck.
I have experienced it myself - smalltown
[ In Reply To ..]
We moved to our small town when my oldest was in 5th grade. My oldest is an honors student, was a multisport athlete in middle school and was in the band. She didn't really get equal playing time on the team sports teams (track being excluded of course), but we all knew that she wasn't the best player on the team, but anything her coach ever asked of her, she did. Now we have been here 5 years. Now that she has hit the high school, she has figured out what she likes and what she doesn't and has dropped 1 sport to focus on the 2 she likes. Now that her sisters are hitting the middle school, things are a little easier for them. Part of it being that their sister has paved the way for them and also that their dad and I help out at the concession stand on football Fridays and get our faces out there.

to quote - myimagination

[ In Reply To ..]
"Now it has trickled down to my daughter who is a very sweet 6th grader who is nice to everyone and wants to be liked by everyone."

I've lived in a town (still do!) where favortism is rampant. I've worked in an industry where it isn't what you know first, but who you know. This is a universal circumstance no matter where you live.

I agree with the other poster. You say your girl wants everyone to like her. Then you say complaining about favoritism caused your son to quit basketball team. He gave up a sport (and I'm unclear here) because he couldn't do his best and be happy - or was it you who couldn't be happy and it made him unhappy? I'm confused which came first. So now it is the same situation and you don't know how to coach your daughter.

One of my 8 yo daughter's favorite movie is a Barbie movie with this quote, "no matter how big or small, there is a difference only you make." Personally, I like this quote. It would serve you well to re-examine your approach to the situation. Just because your kid's ancesters didn't (fillintheblank), doesn't mean she can't be happy on the cheerleading squad, or happy not on the cheerleading squad, but I hope she can learn how to adjust. That would certainly be a valuable life lesson.

My son quit playing basketball after he finished his last season - MADme

[ In Reply To ..]
because my son fell in with a bad crowd and decided he would rather party. The favoritism was an irritation, but one he dealt with when he played. He made his comments like I made mine, but he didn't quit his team mid season. He finished the season. The reasons he quit have been dealth with, but those were his reasons, NOT the favoritism.

If my daughter comes home from cheerleading practice in tears because of the politics that are going on, then does she sound happy to you?

I am not going to teach my kids that life is unfair and you just deal with it. I am going to teach my kids life is unfair and you have to fight it!

not to argue with you, but - myimagination

[ In Reply To ..]
Was the purpose of your original post only to find like-minded posters you got two answers opposing your position and you don't like 'em and you're gonna fight 'em? You are more than welcome to go through life with a chip on your shoulder. Better take a daily vitamin to help carry that load.
What is this attitude that we are supposed to just accept life's - MADme
[ In Reply To ..]
injustices quietly and stoically? Who decided that was the rule? What is wrong with speaking your mind and having an opinion?

It's unfair, plain and simple. My child and the bigger girl have equal abilities as gymnasts. They can do the same stunts with the same amount of grace. The third flyer is a more accomplished gymnast than both my daughter and the bigger and thus should actually be a flyer. The deciding factor, I was told, was size of the flyer and the strength of the bases. So if both my daughter and the bigger girl have equal abilities, but my daughter is 6 inches shorter and 15 pounds lighter than the other girl, than according to the coach's ruling, my daughter should have kept the position of flyer and she did not. So then there must be other factors beyond skill and size that played a part in the decision. Those factors have to do with moms being best friends, girls being best friends, granddad being a former superintendent who donated money to the school district, etc.

So how can you sit there and tell me to accept it? I haven't thrown a fit yet. I have been EXTREMELY diplomatic in my dealings with the coach. One email I sent her started off with "God knows I'm not a cheerleading coach... and you I know you have your hands full... but I was just wondering if there was something that my daughter did be taken out of the flyer position or is there something she needs to work on."

After that email, I got the whole size and strength factors. Only then did I point out the size difference between my daughter and the bigger girl. To which I got a shrug and "we're working on it." So basically I was blown off and the coach probably things I will be like most every other parent, like you posters here, and just accept it and keep quiet.

But I'm not like every other parent and I don't like what I see in youth sports these days. It is all tainted by this odor of favoritism and it makes me sad and MAD!

And it makes me even madder to have parents like YOU who have responded thus far tell me that I am wrong to be angry, I am wrong to want to say something or do something about, and that I should just cope. What kind of parents are you! I want my kids to fight for what is right and what is fair.

I will not smile and tell my kids "oh well just have fun honey." No, I'm telling my kids it's wrong!
Maybe - just a thought
[ In Reply To ..]
They just don't want to deal with you.
Too bad if they don't want to deal with me! I paid the money for my daughter to cheer - MADme
[ In Reply To ..]
and they will HAVE to deal with me because I'm not going away. Or they can give me back my money.
Wow. - That explains it
[ In Reply To ..]
Just because you "paid the money" doesn't mean you should get the position on the team you, as a mother, expect. She's still on the team. There is no reason to refund your money.
I don't know... - myimagination
[ In Reply To ..]
I bet there would be a few who would throw money if a hat was passed around...

I think that kids activities would be so much better - if the adults stayed out of them.

[ In Reply To ..]
I know that as mama bears, we want to rush in a fix everything for our kids, but there is value in learning to be a team player, even if you don't get to play the position that you want to play. Maybe the bigger girl is better at flying (because there is some skill involved) and they just don't want to tell you, or maybe she just really really wants it and so does your daughter and the coach had to make a choice. I have found that often, if we go into a situation expecting a fight, we'll get one, and it is often better to ask what is going on before making your decisions regarding who is the enemy. You might not have all of the information.

At any rate, all kids sports are political. If you want to participate, you just have to deal with that. How you deal with it is certainly up to you, but having had the mother who was always ready to not get along, I can tell you that I would have been happier with more peace and less arguing, even if I didn't get to fly in cheerleading.

As a mom...dealing with the same issues, I learned something from my kids 14 and 13. sm - Sheila

[ In Reply To ..]
Let it go. It is not worth the fight believe it or not. Over the years, I have taught them to deal with their problems, no matter what they may be. I am here to support "their" choice. Both of my kids absolutely love basketball and play with their hearts but neither of them are as good as some of the other players (my opinion only). However, my son excels in academics and my daughter is "artsy fartsy" as I playfully call her.

As a mom, you definitely want your kids to know that you are there for them and you stand beside/behind them always. However, let them look at the situation and decide the best way to handle it. They are so much smarter than we give them credit for but we have to let them know it is okay "to handle it the way they choose as well." They won't always make the right decision (the reason mom is here) but we have to let them at least try so that they can grow up into adults we can be proud of in the future.

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