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ow would you handle this? Teens

Posted: Dec 6, 2015

I have a lady who used to work for me and have been like kind of a grandmother figure to her 3 teens. Yesterday I took them to a Christmas parade in our town, cold like in the 30s but warmed up in a short while and by the time we arrived back to my home it was in the 50s-60s outside and my inside thermostat was set at 68. I asked the kids to take off their coats while in house and they stated they were cold, in fact one even was lying on the couch with the blanket she had taken to the parade that morning. To tell you the truth, I was not what you would call angry but I was not pleased at all with their not removing their coats and telling me how cold they were. I did not believe them frankly. I suffer from low thyroid and if anyone is ever cold, it is usually me. The kids went on to explain that they are allowed to wear their coats while in school even. That was hard for me to swallow because we are in the south and hardly during winter see snow dusting much less the real stuff. The kids went on to say something to the effect "the school can't tell you what clothes you can wear." I do not want people to feel uncomfortable in my home but yet at the same time if I turn the temperature up then I know I would be uncomfortable in my own home. So, I am sitting here today thinking, do I not invite them back, do I tell the mother up front why. I enjoy being with them but if we go anywhere out then I am the one spending the money, the family does not have much and here at the house we can watch TV, chat but then comes in the issue of the heat. After returning home yesterday from the parade we were at my home about 3 or 4 hours and I don't think possible for me to sit in a home that would be just too hot for me. ;

If you want to see them - just

[ In Reply To ..]
let them wear their coats and keep the visit short. There is no reason to overheat your house. They know what the temperature will be and should plan accordingly.

They may have some health issues that make them feel cold. If there has been no official diagnosis, it's really not your problem or responsibility to alter the inside of your home since without an official diagnosis it's just a preference.

If you enjoy their company, invite them and let them figure out what they need to do.

The behavior and responses you describe sound rather loutish to me. I would be reluctant to go out of my way for people who behave like louts, regardless of any thermostat issues.

They actually sound rather entitled and ungrateful, especially since you indicate that you pay for some extra treats that they would otherwise not be able to enjoy.

Leave your house at the temperature you want. If their behavior continues to be disrespectful, just stop inviting them. You don't owe them an explanation.

You are taking it personally when ... - Linda

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they say they are cold. They didn't even complain or volunteer that information, you asked them to take off their coats and they told you why they wanted to keep them on. They were not rude - they were honest, as their mother probably raised them to be. Just let them keep their coats on and don't take it personally. They may be from a home that is kept very warm and are not accustomed to 68 degrees. Just remind yourself they are not meaning to insult you, they are simply cold. Let them keep their coats on. If this makes you uncomfortable, you could buy some cute little blankets they could wear inside. If you have a dryer, warming up the blankets for a minute, then wrapping them in them would be a real treat and you all would be happy. I remember my mother doing this after I'd been horseback riding and had unexpected rain, feeling freezing by the time I came in the door and my mother wrapped a heater-warmed blanket around me. I'll never forget the feeling.

It is unlikely - xx

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that these rude, ungrateful young people live in the fairy-tale, Hallmark Christmas Special world you imagine where "home" is suffused with a golden glow and people are grateful and behave respectfully toward benefactors. Or that the mother has taught them to be "honest" as a virtue.

These kids sound like ungrateful, ill-mannered louts.

And why should she have to buy them "cute little blankets" or anything else?

I don't see how wanting to keep their coats - on is "rude", or anything else. (sm)_

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If they got a bit hypothermic from standing outside, it's very likely they were still feeling the effects when they got home. I once stood outside in cold weather and got so cold, that even after I got home and took a hot shower, I was still cold. That could've been what was going on with them. Or, they also could've been coming down with a cold or flu, or simply have different metabolisms. Everyone is different. I would just accept that they're still cold and want to wear their coats. The bigger issue seems to be with the OP's freakout over the fact that they won't take off their coats. Not sure as I really understand that, other than it sounding like some kind of a control issue.

I thought exactly like you did - sm

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I couldn't come up with any reason the OP would get so miffed that kids kept their coats on in the house... What's the big deal?

It is manners to take your coat off in a home - Manners 101

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If people are so cold they are not comfortable then I think staying at home is a good option.

Cold in the House - LinK

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I think she's making too much of the fact that the kids were cold. Pick your battles. I can relate. I have a best friend who keeps her house very cold in the winter (we live in the NE where it's below 0 a lot of the times). I go there and either keep a light-weight jacket on or she gives me a blanket and I use that when I visit. I'm not the only one, she does the same thing with a blanket. It's not big deal, her husband likes to save money on propane so he keeps it colder than I'd like. Now the rest of the situation where they are downloading movies, eating in the car and leaving a mess, etc. is a different story and I would definitely talk to the parents about that.

Absolutely. - xx

[ In Reply To ..]
but the coat issue seems to be just the tip of the iceberg with these kids. From the OPs description, their behavior is overall rude and deliberately disrespectful.

And from the number of posters who are defending their rudeness and bad behavior, it is not surprising it is so rare to encounter civility in anyone anymore. Children are being raised to be rude and selfish. They're not going to magically start to behave civilly when they reach adulthood if their bad behavior has always been tolerated or even encouraged.

It sounds like the OP has been providing gifts and experiences for these louts that their family can't give them, yet they treat her very badly. JMHO, but it looks like it's time to stop the gravy train.

look I told her in the past this was going to happen to her - and she would not listen then

[ In Reply To ..]
so she is getting her just deserts. They have stopped being respectful of her because she is so disrespectful of them, but I know she does not see it that way. She can only see them as being in the wrong because that is who she is. Of course they take advantage of her and disrespects her, but she is the one ASKING them for more!

The kids downloaded what they wanted because (probably) in their world, if there was no lock on the device, it means it is okay to download what they want. If she was too dense to be prepared for that eventuality, then she can't be surprised at what they did.

If she said no food or drinks in the car, WHY did she let food and drinks IN THE CAR? If that is the rule, then you stand next to the car and tell them to finish up and throw away the items before you get in the car.

OMG I really could go on, but it is a waste of breath on this OP...

I have only known this family for about 7 months - In the past? Do not understand

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where you are coming from, disrespectful to them? I do not have a lock on my iPad, never had an issue before this. I am not their mother. Their mother, the kids and I went to eat at a place where you sit outside. I was not monitoring what was taken into my car. The 18 year old girl, her mother and I were talking. I should not have to monitor after saying no food, no drinks in my car. News flash: Do not know where you are getting your information from but I have not posted on this issue or this family ever before. You have my posting mixed up with someone else.

Put your money where your mouth is. Show me - a posting about a 10

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year old boy, a 13 year old boy and an 18 year old girl that was posted before.

maybe I was talking about a different family - I did not reference this family

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in particular, did I. Nope, I said it about you, not them, but that is your trademark, to deflect attention away from yourself so as not to be held accountable. Waste of breath.

You specifically said you told me in the past this would happen - and I knew that was a big fat lie

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as I had never posted about this family ever before. Trademark to deflect? You just got caught in your own web throwing just anything out and hoping it would stick. You were not able to find anything I ever said about this family, nothing. Think before you waste your time again trying to shade others.

Yes mother dearest - your behavior gives you away

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yawn mrs godmother to all kids of everybody who used to work for you

Is the OP.... - sm

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Is the OP the same person who posted several times over the past few years about having 2 young girls over for the summer? And who also has posted about taking a woman and her kids (who she is a "grandmother" figure to) out to several places.. and posted a few things about going to church with them and the church just wasn't her cup of tea or something along those lines and so many other strange posts? If so... oh geeeeeze... Bless her heart.

bingo! - NM

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or maybe it's trendy lol - sm

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My children went through phases in pre-teen and teen years where they always wanted to wear their coats and jackets. My oldest son in particular even wore his to school for weeks when it was 80 degrees outside. Gotta love 'em!

temp issues - me

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If I'm invited to your house & I'm cold, I'll keep my coat on. If I go to your house knowing it'll be cold, I'll wear how ever many layers of clothes I need in order to be comfortable. I won't ask or expect you to change the thermostat for me, but I don't want you to ask/expect me to be uncomfortable there or demand that my coat be removed after I tell you I'm cold. Whether you think it is or not is rather irrelevant. Your attitude on this is really incredible. What the temperature is doesn't matter to me. My own personal temp is unstable. I can get severely chilled in hot weather, goose bumps, blue nails, shivers, etc. I can just as easily break into a hot sweat when it's cold. Typically, I switch from one to the other, so I carry a sweater with me (or jacket) everywhere I go regardless of whether it's summer or winter. I live in the south. Didn't mean for this to be very long, but your comments hit a trigger.

Temp Issues - anonMT

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Personally, I would be chilly in your home after being outside in the temps you mention and the temp of your home. I keep my home at 74 and still wear long pants, long sleeves, socks and a sweater at times. I try to dress appropriately to keep myself comfortable if I know I will be a chilly-to-me environment. Those girls could have quite possibly been cold and not being rude at all. Everyone's temp tolerance is very different. If it bothers you that much just don't invite them over again.

I think you're making too much of this. - anon

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If they say they are cold and you don't want to turn up the heat, let them keep their coats on. My own daughter constantly complains that she is cold in our house which I keep around 68 to 70 in the winter and I just tell her to put on a sweater. No big deal.

From the original poster: It took over an hour to get - home from the parade

[ In Reply To ..]
so it was around 1:30 p.m., sunny, warm inside, people in short sleeves so it is not like we went from freezing to the house in like 5 minutes.

My husband bought me a car and my rules are no eating, no drinking in my car. My husband also washes our vehicles with cleaning solution he has, asks that I do not take the car to have it washed as the exterior becomes scratched. I have stressed the no eating, no drinking over and over but this morning went out to see not only had paper cups been left in the floorboard in the back but also the boys (ages 9 and 13) decided to write their names on the side of my car and it still shows up from Saturday morning. I said something to them that morning when they told me how they had written their names, why did they do that? My husband cares for the car's upkeep and he surely does not want kids writing on the cars. Their mother said nothing. I guess some food left on their hands from having breakfast, we ate and hurridly left out trying to make the Christmas parade and residue left on the exterior.

Told the 13 year old on Saturday he could watch TV. Last night I found that he downloaded some movies without being asked could he, just going ahead and doing that. Last year he got my iPad and put games on there and also put some email on there, loaded it to where I could not use, had to take to Apple and get it all cleared out.

Yes, I guess I have just made too much of this but now am calling an end to this "friendship." I do not believe they were cold, didn't then and still don't. I have hypothyroidism, my temperature runs lower than most. I take a sweater when going out to eat, movies. I never find it cold enough to set bundled up in a coat and I know my house was not cold that day either. Calling it quits.

As far as others saying well you didn't say all that, did not know most until last night/this morning about the names still on the car and also the movies downloaded. I hope I am not supposed to pay for those now.

The coat thing to me is no big deal--sm - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
Even if you do not believe that they truly were cold, if for whatever reason they are still more comfortable wearing their coats, then there is nothing rude about that.

The other stuff, if you are that particular where leftover food residue from breakfast is going to bother you, then it would likely be a benefit to all if you discontinue the friendship. The movies are out of line, and if it cost you something, then you should be reimbursed although it is likely better to just let it go. Yes, they should have picked up their cups, but I find my teenagers often need reminders on such things. However, if I wanted no eating in the car, then there would have been no way for the kids to bring such things into my car without my knowledge.

Life is too short to waste precious time and - energy on pointless minutia.

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Nine & 13-year-old boys don't think about things like pristinely-clean cars, and downloading things is second-nature for them - they don't even think about it, even when maybe they should.

It sounds like you're getting tired of taking care of them, and want a reason to get out of doing so.

More than getting tired of taking care of them - I catch the blame for others doings

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I can understand my husband's wanting to keep his vehicles clean, I can go along with that. What happens is this: I am supposed to be aware of anything that goes on anytime anywhere around me. I get tired of his telling me he has something to show me, meaning I have done something wrong. I do not mind being responsible for my own doings but if others mess up, for example drinking, eating in the car then should he see remnants he thinks I should have seen but I do not have eyes in the back of my head. I do not like getting called on the carpet for what others do and that is how it is here. I am tired more so of being a scape goat than most anything else. I bought both boys tablets for Christmas last year. If they want to download something, do it on their own, not mine to where I am put out. The 13 year old was called down by his mother for the iPad downloading but now here he comes again and downloads movies, possibly at my expense, again.

If you are required to pay - xx

[ In Reply To ..]
for the movies he downloaded, give his mother the bill and tell her she needs to reimburse you. These people are walking all over you. You will likely feel much better once they are out of your life.

And you husband needs to hear from you exactly how his treatment of you makes you feel and what needs to change. It is cathartic to vent to a bunch of anonymous people on a message board, but to get real relief, you need to address the issue with your husband as a statement of how things need to be different.

I appreciate your post and points - taken- nm

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.

I'd tell hubby to shove it about the car- sm - InkMT

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sheesh, what a control freak! So a few crumbs got in his precious car, boo hoo, show him the ingenious invention of the vacuum cleaner. He sounds like a grade-A jerk, calling you on the carpet about trash or crumbs in the car. There is more going on then you dealing with your friends kids and their wrongdoings in your car or downloading movies. Several solutions....(1) don't have them over ever again, tell friend you are just not up to it anymore (2) if you still have them over turn off wifi, change password on TV/download app or put a password on it so they cannot access it, so you won't be paying for movies you did not order...if they did order movies you have to pay for then copy bill and send to mom and don't allow kids over again until you are paid. (3) you can search everyone before they get in your car for food, etc. Though doubt that would go over well, lol. (4) get a new husband, yours sounds like a real prize, let someone else have the pleasure (5) get some counseling, sounds like you need to majorly vent and reflect on your life and what you want for yourself.
.
Good luck.

You are right to feel - xx

[ In Reply To ..]
as you do. The behavior you describe from people for whom you have been a benefactor is unacceptable. Outrageous, actually.

You have every right to end the relationship. They clearly do not appreciate what they have been given and have no respect for you or your property.

Those kids are old enough to know what they are doing is wrong, yet they choose to behave that way anyway. They do not appreciate what you do for them.

You are better off without them.

You better check your account on the ipod. - Linda

[ In Reply To ..]
Yes, the boys were rude for writing on your car. At that age, they don't see it as a crime but a joke.

I would be upset about downloading movies or games. Did you ask him who was paying for them.

About calling it quits with the little girls, unless there is a lot more to the story, I think you are being too harsh on them for not having been rude. You don't know how they feel, and chances are the actually were too cold to take off their coats. No big deal. Every guest I have to my house complains of the cold because I have it at about 60 degrees. I don't take offense. They can put on their jackets as I can barely afford the gas bill as it is.

I hope you can consider that the girls were not rude. You asked them to take off their coats and they were cold. After being in 30 degrees for a while, it does take time to warm back up.

You know what? sm - SM

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The saying "chose your battles wisely" applies here. If these kids are doing well in school, not hanging out with bad element, exposing them to the seedy side of life which can become appealing to young people under stress, you should really count your blessings and hope these kids remember your kindness when they are adults and are in position to reciprocate, and they will.

Coats, jackets are part of ensemble. My GF in high school always wore here school jacket because, although she was as beautiful as can be (sorta Pam Anderson face) had a BIG stomach and hips and it covered up with this over-sized jacket.

You really need to step back and wonder why such a small matter would trouble you to point of reaching out for advice. These are teenagers and they go through phases, every several months with my friend's daughter.

And if you pull a "Moody Mamie" act, these teens will lose respect for you. And if this is enough to send you into a state of "I refuse to be friends," I would suggest you see a counselor because the reason you give is not good enough unless you think they were stealing things and putting them into large coat pockets.

I think your manners are dreadful - you are not a good hostess

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Would you treat an adult guest in your home this way? Would you insist they take their coats off if they tell you they are are cold? Where are your manners? If your guests are so cold in your house, no matter what their age, turn the heat up, then turn it back down when they leave.

I have no idea where this person got her manners - from

[ In Reply To ..]
I agree also. What was the person thinking when she asked them to have their coats off?

I am sure they did not mean to leave the drink cups in her car when she repeatedly told them no drinking, no eating in the car, writing on her car exterior their names with those showing after 2 days, download movies to her residence without asking, taking over her iPad and put their kids games and email on it making it unusable. I am sure Dear Abby would think she was a horrible host also. Silly person. She should really be ashamed of herself for asking them to be at home, i.e. not sitting in a warmed house in their coats. She should learn her manners, I agree.

I got my good manners from my parents - Raised in a barn, were we?

[ In Reply To ..]
My my, aren't we passive aggressive toward those children who were behaving as children will behave, thoughtless, impulsive, in need of a little tender loving correction now and again. But you, my dear, are a perimenopaual witch who probably feels overheated in a walk-in freezer despite your "hypothyroid." Let me guess, you never had children of your own, you were either the youngest child or an only child, spoiled rotten, and never learned anything about good manners or consideration for others, or how to care for children. Clearly your parents never taught you one single thing about good manners and consideration for guests in your home. But oh well, keeping children in a too-cold house and denying them the right to keep warm borders on felonious child neglect. Keep this sort of thing up, and you will end up jail. Those parents entrusted the care of their precious children to you, and this is how you treat them! I am quite certain those children went home and told their parents about your cute little punishment; and that they do not want to go anywhere with you again. Serve you right if the parents called CPS.

Bring in the clowns, oops forgot they are already - here

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I had thought for some time that MTs alone were not responding to this board and now I know for sure. Your post responds directly to the one right above yours. You said, "But you, my dear," when no way, shape or form is that posting directly above you alluding to the OP. I am onto it now and I want to say, you have IP addresses so why don't you play big guy and call the police or even CPS? Think you are so smart and have all the answers. Gave yourself away big time with this one.

I don't see what the issue is. Let them wear - their coats if they want to.

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shaking my head - it never, never ends - fairy godmother wants to rule with iron fist

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I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are completely out of touch with how to deal with kids. Said it before, I would not let you near my kid with a 10-foot pole.

Pick your battles, this is one to just not -sm - InkMT

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bother with or one even to start, way overreacting here. The kids had been outside for at least an hour I assume, in pretty cold weather. They were probably still quite chilled to the bone when they got to your house despite the temperature rising to the 50s. I know I get pretty cold when outside for a while sometimes, especially if they just had jeans on or thin leggings in 30 degree weather. In my house 68 is not so warm, so could be the same in yours. We keep our thermostat on 69/70 most days and that keeps it pretty comfortable. As "host" I would have turned up the thermostat to 70 to just take the chill off the house, then after 30 or so minutes turned it back down to 68. You would not have fried and the kids would have appreciated it and warmed up faster. But if someone wants to wear their coat inside, let them, not a big deal.

Just speaking for me - Cold

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This reminds me of when I visit a friend of mine. I keep my coat on at all times in her home, and she gets offended at times. However, she admits to having the thermostat set at 61. She has heavy dark drapes at all windows, so no sun. I literally freeze in her home, and rarely go there because of it. She also has a thyroid condition and takes thyroid replacement now for many years. She is always hot. How she can live there is beyond me. In your case, let the kids wear the coats if they are chilly. Temperature requirements are very individual. As for me, always chilly.

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