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Being 46 and a divorced mom stinks!!! Anyone my age feel the same? sm

Posted: Nov 13, 2013

It seems that women who end up divorcing in their 30s or younger (although none of us wants to divorce at all) have a much better chance of finding someone new. I divorced at 41 and can't seem to find anyone who is just a decent person.

Let's see, I don't make enough money, and I need to lose weight. That probably all contributes. Just feeling lonely and old and fat and broke. Can someone please tell me that it gets better?

;

46 and single parent - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
Okay, I get it. I'm 46 and the mother of a 22 and 13 year old. But I've been divorced for 20 years now. I've had relationships, some serious, some almost led to marriage, but honestly I don't know if I want to get married. It takes away so much freedom. I adore my girlfriends and would rather spend time with them than most any man I've ever met. Sometimes I say I want something serious, but really I'm not sure anyone could be everything I'd want. I like being able to take off for a week and go on vacation with a friend, see a movie, get together in a big have-a-drink-and-chat night. Don't get me wrong I date. That's really not hard to do. I also have lost 35 lbs but still have 25 to go. That's really not a big problem to me. Each guy I find myself dating has some of the qualities but not all of them, so I just can't see me saying forever. I have yet to find one who doesn't want me to be something else or wants to take away my independence or try to run my life. Maybe he's out there somewhere, I try not to ever say never, but have some fun in the meantime. Every guy doesn't have to be the one to enjoy going out and spending some time with them. Once my youngest is grown, I'll probably move, Florida interests me most. I've always wanted to and I'd love to have a little jewelry shop near the beach. Maybe that will happen, or maybe something else will. But I just don't know if making my life all about what someone else wants interests me full time. I hope you have some girlfriends, if not you've gotta get some, some that don't think men are the end all be all. There are meetup groups online all over for different interests and ways to meet people. Join a workout group. Hit a book club. I don't usually quote TV shows, it seems cheesy, but maybe the friends are the soul mates and the guys are just to have fun with. I hope you find a way to look at it differently. Try something, anything. Get out of your comfort zone and see what happens. I got my first tattoo at 45. I had my first vacation without kids recently in 20 years. Smile and say hi to the cute guy at the grocery or the gas station. You might find someone you enjoy spending some of your time with and you might find you like your life just as it is - with a little male company from time to time. :D

You're right - I have to remind myself of that (sm) - Gettin old

[ In Reply To ..]
I am the one who keeps turning the men away - even with my extra weight and all of that. For the same reasons you mentioned. I do love my independence and I do find men who have some of the qualities I want but not all the qualities. I also want to move to Florida one day (Haha!!) because that is where I am from originally. I don't know why lately this is all bothering me more than usual. Thanks for the reminder, though! It IS my choice that I am alone. In fact, one loser I dated several months ago has been emailing me today to go back out with him and I have refused. I do need more girlfriends though as they seem to all be more busy lately. I am going to check into meetup groups. I actually looked at them this morning but did not sign up for any events. thank you for taking the time time reply :)

to OP - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
Hey no problem!! We single gals gotta stick together. My friends ages vary. One now is a grandmother with 6 grandkids so seeing her is sporadic. One is pretty religious so that limits the actitivies and she recently had a grandbaby. One's got a 16 yo and HATES the bar seen lol. Two live a long way from me but we keep up the support by phone! Wish ya lived nearby! I understand the weight thing. I honestly think after going thru some bad times in a relationship I allowed myself to gain weight as a barrier and protection. In about the last 4 yrs I began to realize I really didn't need to do that. On the subject of the loser, depending on how big of a loser he is (lol) enjoy going to a movie, or see a band play, etc. If he wants more, be unavailable when you want to. I don't lead them on, but I'm not going to rope myself into something that will end up making me miserable either. Most of all, be yourself. That's what my one and one tat so far says. It's a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote, you can look it up lol. The guy I date off and on for about 9 years, some good times and some not at all, was defiant I would not get a tattoo. Oops too late when he found out. Trying to be someone else only makes you resentful in the end and then nobody's happy, believe me I've tried. If it makes you feel more hopeful, I'm happier now than I've ever been because now I say no when I don't want whatever, and say yes when I do. In doing that I'm the one who's happy and if it doesn't suit the guy that's his issue. Good luck and keeping thinking positive things and options!!

Thanks again - and another coincidence (sm) - Gettin Old

[ In Reply To ..]
I also gained weight as a barrier! How funny is that? Too bad you don't live closer :)

Thanks again :)

46 and single- you can be married and still have - your own time, I do

[ In Reply To ..]
My husband married so late in life for the first time at 49, he was afraid he would lose his freedom. I have no issues with his going to the music store if he wants, going to get his Burrito on Saturday which he loves, going where ever his little heart desires. He on the other hand treats me the same. I always tell him if I am going somewhere, as when he comes home so not to be worried but that is just courtesy. My child comes over, he says hello and then goes to his computer because he says that is "our time together." He joins us for dinners, etc. but gives me my space and I do the same for him. We were friends before marriage and remain the best of friends still after 13 years.

That's so nice, thanks for sharing - wheres_my_job

[ In Reply To ..]
that is all :)

It's the holidays - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I think the holidays make us realize that we don't have a partner. Even if we have kids, it would be nice to have a loving partner to share the holidays with. To me, holidays can magnify loneliness and depression. We see what seems to all or most of our friends and families in relationships, and it makes us feel inadequate or something. Which isn't true. We're not inadequate. We just don't have a special someone....at the moment. And you're NOT getting old at 46!

That's for sure, too! sm - Gettin old

[ In Reply To ..]
Even though I have teenagers, they will be with their dad on Thanksgiving, as they are every year. My family lives 9 hours away, and my dad, who lived near me, passed away in August. He was always my Thanksgiving Day buddy. My kids are also with their dad on Christmas Eve, so I don't get to see them until Christmas Day. And I am working a second job right now in a store, so feeling like all I am doing is working, while everyone else is coupled up and/or with family and friends.

Holidays - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't do Thanksgiving with the family anymore. That's just plain too much time to just sit around and talk to those people and it's a HUGE relief now that I've decided I don't do Thanksgiving. I work that day to have Christmas off. I see the kids for part of the day on Christmas, then they're off to their other side of the family. I look at both days as a day of peace for me, especially Christmas. I avoid all the store hype completely, all that does is make me feel more alone and more broke. I rent a good movie that I like on the holidays (I absolutely won't miss the Grinch LOL). I turn all the lights out except the glow of the tree, curl up in my comfies and eat something sinful and just kind of reset myself emotionally. It's the end of the year and I like feeling as if I get to start fresh again. I never go out on New Years. It's expensive, dangerous and I've never had a just AMAZING time on New Years to make it better than any other night out. Just try not to put pressure on yourself to make the day into someone else's ideal. Find your own tradition and take it easy on yourself.

It's the holidays - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Since I've been divorced (6 years), I do feel sad around the holidays. Our "couple friends" don't want to invite me because they don't want to look they're taking sides, even though my ex-husband couldn't care less. My family doesn't invite me because they're all big drinkers and I'm not. When friends at work are all excited about their family events coming, my heart gets heavy. I'm happy for them. I really am. But I do admit that I'm envious of families who all get along and love each other. The last couple years I've been going to nursing homes and playing piano while the residents enjoy their holiday dinners. It makes me happy to see the joy on their faces. I'm happy when I'm there. But then I go home to an empty house and feel sad again.

I agree - make the holidays something YOU can enjoy - wheres_my_job

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm getting ready to put up my two trees, and maybe getting some new ornaments (Salvation Army probably). I like to make cookies from a Slovak cookbook, also plant bulbs (so far hyacinths, but I love paper whites and amaryllis also). It's been a tumultuous year (but not as bad as 2012 for me personally).

Best wishes already for 2014 to everybody!

I can definitely say it gets better! Married my - last husband when I was 59

[ In Reply To ..]
Let me say, the husband before him died from kidney failure. This was "our" friend, quiet, easy going, never knew he even noticed me. Ok, fast forward 13 years later best man I have ever met much less married. Hard worker, tells me all the time how he adores me, buys me some really nice things, such a breath of fresh air. I was heavy when we got married, probably more so now, does not seem to care because he told me had loved me since he first saw me and that was 41 years ago!! Don't give up, good men are really out there.

You're inspiring! - wheres_my_job

[ In Reply To ..]
that is all :)

Hopeless romantic - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Wow! What a lovely, romantic story about marrying your husband at 59! I love that you said he didn't even care that you were overweight. That's my biggest hindrance. I think no man will want me when he could have a young, skinny, sexy thing. But maybe I'm wrong. You give me hope. Thank you! I'm very happy for you.

Ever notice... - wheres_my_job

[ In Reply To ..]
...when someone doesn't care that you're overweight...how much easier it is to lose weight? *Radical self-acceptance and self-love* is the ticket :)

Last husband when I was 59, addendum - Happy life, happy wife

[ In Reply To ..]
This man never married, no children, said he "just waited." We are talking 41 years to wait? My heart flutters and you better believe that because he always is telling me such sweet things that I have never heard in my life. He makes up things like, we are going out, starting to park the car and there is a place right in front of the place we are going. He tells me, they knew you were coming and saved especially for you. Then if lot of traffic on the road, he tells me the papparizzi are all over the place trying to take a picture of me. A person passes by our car, he says they are really a secret service person trying to make sure you are ok. He says he does not sleep of a night, has to make sure I have the right temperature at night and the right covers so I will be comfy. He tells me he thinks about me 24/7. I say yeh, right and he just swears he does. I never have 1 moment's of worry about where he is, is he being truthful, etc. Women have a special ability to feel if things are not exactly right some how if you know what I mean and never in all these years 1 minute of worry time for me. Ladies, they are out there. Oh, did I tell you he cooks for us too, like gourmet type foods? He is also a handy man, can fix anything that is broken. Happy wife here.

Does he have a twin brother? - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Wow. You are SO deserving of happiness and a man who worships the ground you walk on! You're giving me the motivation to actually (maybe) check out one of the dating websites like Christian Mingle or Plenty of Fish. There are some couples at my church who met on Christian Mingle. They each went through several dates with other "candidates" before finding each other, but they said it was worth it. I am really just delighted for you!!!

No single brother but my daughter met and married - extremely nice man from dating site

[ In Reply To ..]
Met at a busy place, of course, at first. This guy was really smart, built his own computer, really brainy and sought and had good jobs. Alas, the honeymoon did not last as well as the marriage. Did not blame him, nor daughter. Things happen sometimes but I would go for it if I were you. The answer is always no until you ask.

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