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For those divorced a question please.

Posted: Jun 21, 2011

You women all seem to have great advice and I am needing some right now. I am in the process of being divorced. Should be over within the next couple of months. I have a friend from high school in another state that I would very much like to see once this is all over but my future ex says if I try to see him he will take the kids away. Does he have any legal way of doing this if we are divorced? Don't I have a right to see who I want if I am free of him? Obviously he is a control freak which is why I am divorcing him. After 21 years of marriage I have finally decided to stand up for myself and not be told what to do anymore and this is the result. However, when it comes to my kids and he says these things, I feel still trapped by him. I am afraid he will say this no matter who I want to see but especially this person because he knows what he looks like and is extremely jealous. That sounds so superficial but it is true. That and it is someone who wants what he thinks he still owns. Does he really have a say in who I see legally?

;

divorce - alias

[ In Reply To ..]
You do have the right to see who you want after your divorce is final. However, you need to be careful about what you do...live a life of morality, particularly around your children. Don't begin to immediately intermingle your children with your "dates" with other men until you are sure there is a future there, and then gradually introduce the person into your life. Do not keep the children from seeing their father, ever. Do not have sleep overs with the new friend with the children in the home. Do not leave the area where you are living so the children are still able to see their father. Do not talk about the new friend with the children so they go back to tell their father. Do not put down your ex to the children. Any of these things can be fodder for the ex to try to say you are an unfit parent and try to gain custody of the children. You have the right to see who you want, but you have to keep your children foremost in your mind and what do what is best for them, not necessarily what you want for yourself. You need to be discreet at all costs. It is always hard after a divorce to begin a new life, and the ex will try anything he can to make your life miserable, which is why you have to keep your standards high and not give him something to aim at. It may take him many years to accept that you are allowed to have a life of your own, perhaps 10 or more years, but it will be easier on you and the kids if you take the time to do this. Otherwise, be expecting the worst, as it will surely find you. Been there and seen it happen in many other divorces, as well. Good luck.

re: divorced and dating - happy divorcee

[ In Reply To ..]
NO. He has no right UNLESS there is some danger posed to the children. He cannot tell you who to date, simply because he has a personal problem with that person or because he is jealous.

If ever accusations of harm, abuse, neglect or other issues arise, THEN AND ONLY then can he do something, BUT he cannot just up and take the kids.

Who is the primary custodian? See in my case I was. My ex had very limited and supervised vistations because he had a documented history of intimidation and verbal abuse that scared my kids.

You'll go before the judge when it is all finalized and be sure to ask your lawyer and/or the judge to clarify any questions you have about custody, vistation, child support for both YOU and the soon to be ex.

If you have JOINT custody, the lines start to blur, but just make sure you ask and ask and ask.

Good luck, and don't be frightened or intimidated to start your new life!

Thank you - landroverlady

[ In Reply To ..]
I do feel very intimidated. There was verbal abuse and I feel like it is still going on and the control too. We have shared custody and I am trying to compromise on everything just to keep him from getting angry. But this is where I draw the line. I feel like he wants to still control me and I am going to have to be alone until my youngest graduates high school (in 5 years) and I can leave the state. Then and only then will I get some freedom. He is well-known in the community so that is not helping me either. The public sees a nice, easy going person. I and my kids and family have seen the real person who is just mean, mean, mean. He has lost control of me and it is driving him crazy. I would NEVER put my kids in danger and my private life is just that, private. I am not the kind to date around. My kids come first. Always have and always will but dammit I would like to have a little bit of a life of my own.

re: landrover - hard lesson

[ In Reply To ..]
Do yourself a favor and stop "trying to compromise" with him. That allows him to continue to control. Make your plans, lay them out and stick to them. Don't compromise to "keep him from getting angry" because that is exactly where he wants you to be. Make it very black and white, take your divorce and custody papers with you on every "kid drop off" day in case he decides to alter the plans so that way you can point out on the papers where it says specifically what times, what days, etc...

Your situation sounds like mine was. He was the owner of a few small businesses around town and everyone thought the world of him, except me and my family. I stuck to my guns with the support of my family and eventually he just let it go.

He flat out hates me now, and I'm okay with that. Thats what it turned into for me to get away. First he didn't want me to leave, then he tried to control every move with my kids, my relationships, where I lived and when he could not, he decided he hated me. My kids know that when they see him he WILL bash me, call me ugly names, tell lies, but I also tell my kids that we have to "live like ducks and let the dirty water roll off our backs".

We have been back to court twice during the past couple of years for alteration in childsupport (he makes good money and I want my kids to be taken care of) and he takes that very personally, but the decisions are that of the court and have nothing to do with me personally.
It is based fairly on his income. On top of that I work 2 jobs just to make ends meet.

Its been 5 years since my divorce. My kids are 12 and 14 and have been telling me that they would prefer very, very limited visitations and they are allowed that so I see yet another battle brewing and I am prepared for that.

You will have your own life, just know that like a bad rash, the ex will pop up now and again to make it hard. Resign yourself to knowing that and be armed in your heart and in your head. Never talk bad about him to your kids, they'll figure all that out on their own, like mine did. Always take the higher road and walk with grace and dignity.

Don't ever compromise for his sake again. You're DONE with him.

shared custody and morality clauses - justcommenting

[ In Reply To ..]
I also had shared custody written into my divorce decree. The real benefit to shared custody is that if anything happens to one parent (or child), custody can transition smoothly to the other parent without having to re-visit the court to change the order.

I just wanted to point this out to you because your soon-to-be ex is controlling and threatening to take the children even though you are not even divorced yet.

My daughter lived with her father for reasons of school districts, but there came a point where he was losing control of her and she needed to come live with me. She visited me for a week in the summer, explained some inappropriate events in the home, and I refused to send her back. I called him and explained why, and fortunately he agreed. However, this is what can happen with shared custody. If we had joint custody, I would have had to take him to court to have the order changed.

Prior to finalizing the divorce, he had his atty write into the agreement that my children could not visit me if I cohabitated with a male without the benefit of marriage (he didn't want me to live with anyone else). I held up the divorce until the clause was taken out because my morality was mine to uphold, not his to dictate.

Now, I don't know if you mean shared custody in the sense that you are sharing the children back and forth in more relaxed fashion within the parameters of joint custody. I just wanted to point out these issues based on what you said about your custody situation. If your situation is truly shared custody and not joint custody, you may want to talk with your atty about the potential for him to fail to return the children and his legal standing based on shared custody and not joint custody.

Very Good Points, Indeed - alias

[ In Reply To ..]
this should give some thoughts to ponder. Good analysis.

"joint custody" - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
In my state, "joint custody" means nothing more than joint decisions regarding religion, health, and education. There is still a custodial and a visiting parent.

good points - landroverlady

[ In Reply To ..]
Thanks for all the responses. It's true that he is trying to control me even now and I am having a hard time just holding my own because when I do he tells me I am selfish. My kids know why I left as every one of them (I have 4) gave me the same answer when I asked them. "Because dad is mean".

divorce care - see if

[ In Reply To ..]
there is a church that offers that in your area. regardless of your religious beliefs, this is such a good program! unsure how old your children are but they can be involved with a kid-friendly group as well while you meet with the adults. incredibly therapeutic....i think you pay only for the workbook and it is helpful in every area of your life when going through a divorce, financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. i cannot say enough about it. i suggest googling it and seeing if it's offered near you. :)

I agree with both the previous posts.. sm - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
but because you said the man you want to see lives in another state, it raised a few red flags. I wonder if your soon to be ex means that if you try to take the kids to see this other man, he will take them away.

As the other poster said, I would keep the new man and the kids totally separate and not give the kids anything to tell their dad. Depending on what the custody situation is, if you take children over state lines (in some states) without the other parent's permission, the could potentially claim you were kidnapping them.

If you are very concerned, I would talk to an attorney or your divorce attorney. Legally your ex can't tell you who you can date but it appears your ex is going to use the kids as leverage to 'keep you in line' so to speak. Don't put the kids in the middle; I'm sure your ex will be trying to squeeze any info out of them that he can use against you.

Good luck with this; hard situation to be in.

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