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Christmas gatherings, how would you feel?

Posted: Dec 16, 2009

Every year since my 2000 wedding have spent Christmas Day with hubs family (have daughter by another marriage, grown and out of the home). My SIL (hubby's brother's wife) and I have exchanged the dinners since the other participants really too old (70s and 80s) to host everyone, quite an ordeal to arrange for say about 15 people. I hosted dinner in 2007 and asked last year by SIL to host again and she would do this year. Have heard nothing about dinner until yesterday (10 days prior to Christmas Day) and hubs and I had talked about the possibility of the dinner not happening as some of the elders have had very serious health problems this year and daughter and I decided we would spend the day here at my home just the 2 of us (daughter is not into the dinner at all) with Christmas breakfast and watching some CDs that day, just the 2 making a day of it. SIL calls today and says she assumed that I would know she was having and what would the dinner be without me. Said sending hubs, he could be the life of the party this year and basically it was like I should not turn them down. I want a break. What would you do, go eat and leave, don’t go, stay home or just what?

;

have the same problem - tabby

[ In Reply To ..]
my husband's father shoves as many people he can into this little tiny house and it is very uncomfortbale. Not to mention that it is all his step family and he treats his own like dirt, but expects us to come. This year I am using the work excuse for both my FIL and MIL parties. I have been going to my MIL's Xmas get together for the last 8 years and I need a BREAK!!! So I actually do have to work, so it isn't really lying... but use that excuse. Say you got called in. Either go for the little get together, eat and be merry, and tell them that you can't stay long because you have to work and can't get out of it. It is just a little white lie, but it would get you out of doing something you don't want to do or being that person they talk about after you leave.

ugh... the dreaded in-law get togethers - but ya gotta

[ In Reply To ..]
You have to go.. you said there were elderlies who have health issues, they may not be there next year, heck, any one of us might not be here next year.
I would shorten your visit, but absolutely go.

A few years ago, my MIL sat me and my 2 teenage daughters (from a prior marriage) at a small card table in the corner of the living room while the inlaws all sat at the "big kids" table in the dining room. When my hubby came to sit by us, she yelled out... Scott, you come sit at the table with your family! NICE HEY?

But I still go every year! If you typically spend 1/2 a day there, just shorten up the time, but go with a smile!

OMG what a piece of work! - holy cow!

[ In Reply To ..]
Reminds me of the second Christmas after we were married. At dinner at my BIL/SIL, my MIL announced she wanted a picture of "just her family", my DH, BIL, his two sons and our new baby with MIL/FIL. The only ones left out were SIL, me and SIL's two daughters from her first marriage. That was 23 years ago and I STILL haven't forgotten how pissed I was!

Ahhh the dreaded "only the family" portrait - like Marie Romano

[ In Reply To ..]
... that one episode of Everybody Loves Raymond haha she's so funny

It's not funny for real, though grrrr

Oh, my DH as well as friends (and my SIL) all... - holy cow!

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know we're "Everybody Loves Raymond". Even DH can't keep a straight face when that's on. I just look over at him and he loses it!

Even my kids know that's grandma! nm - holy cow!

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x

It's Christmas! - Jan

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Just go.....It's ONE day. If SIL is doing the dinner, then you don't have to do much but show up. You can watch movies with your daughter any other day, unless of course she is just in town for that day or whatever. I would just go though, it's a lot easier.

Agree - Old part-timer

[ In Reply To ..]
If the older relatives are in poor health, this could be the last year you see them.

Decided on what I will do for Christmas time - In the spirit

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I am Aries and I plan on doing things yesterday. Having said that, the people attending would be on hub's side. My daughter on the other hand really does not enjoy being there. She has joined in the last few years only because of my going. I see, visit and talk with daughter all during the year. The other people who are going to be at the party I see just at Christmas. Daughter herself is faced with a life threatening illness so this year I have decided it will be just the 2 of us, daughter and mother.

Take a break this year and enjoy Christmas with your daughter!...nm - no

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

what to do? - Elizabeth

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Dear In the Spirit:

If you really do not want to go, call up your SIL and explain why you can't come. Something like, "Gee, we would love to attend, but it's a possibility that our family has been exposed to H1N1."

It's not quite like it's a lie, but enough to get you out of the festivities.

Believe me SIL will retract your family's invitation ASAP, and no RSVP will be necessary.

This is the problem with the Holidays. - Fingers

[ In Reply To ..]
Too much stress. We are always too busy doing things to please others and doing what others expect of us to the point that we expect too much from ourselves!! I still don't have the lights up outside yet. I don't care. It probably will not get done this year.

I have politely declined 3 parties (2 with family and 1 not). I can't stand the hectic schedule I COULD let myself get into, and then I would not enjoy the holidays at all.

Here's my plan. I am going to my daughter's tomorrow, Friday, for a Christmas party with friends, neighbors, and church members. I am having a family dinner here on Sunday. I have to work next week through Wed. Going to my mother's on Christmas Eve, Thursday for lunch. My kids/grandkids are coming on Christmas Day.

I am off next week so my family in Atlanta expected me to come for a visit and stay through the New Year. Nope. I am going to Atlantic City with my hubby for a few days, watching football on New Year's Eve (no party), and cleaning my house that weekend.

Do I feel bad about all the declined invitations, yes. But I do not feel guilty. Therein lies my point. DO WHAT YOU WANT AND WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY!! If you want to be with your daughter, that is exactly what you should do.

Before I took on this attitude I used to dislike the holidays as well. Now I have no problems saying, "No." I am alot happier and enjoy my family a lot more.

There is no stress in my turning her down - In the spirit

[ In Reply To ..]
I made the decision to do exactly what daughter and I want to do this year. Hubs supports me 100% if that is my wish. I bought gifts for the people, hubs buys his brother his and I get them for the females so done my part. Intend on having a good day. Far too old to stress out on Christmas and will do what I want instead of what others think I should.

IN THE SPIRIT - You go girl! no mess - Merry Christmas

[ In Reply To ..]
x

Christmas stess - mb

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If your hubby supports your decision there is no problem at all. Hopefully he will have the same support when questions are asked why you are not there. Also you already made plans with you daughter and you should not disappoint her either. I think there was just miscommunication here. Your sister in law should not have assumed you knew she was having Christmas. You don't wait 10 days to start inviting people. Your Christmas plans sounds great to me. Have fun.

I hate for people to assume - In the spirit

[ In Reply To ..]
That is 1 of my pet peeves. Two of the ladies that came last year have had serious medical issues this year, 1 lady having some kind of leg graft that did not take, the other, her sister, being the caregiver and getting stressed out just trying to see about the one after surgery. The mother of the SIL had a stroke a couple of years ago so hopefully she is alright still. I plan on having an Italian dinner (way off course from the usual we have at Christmas), ordering from Carrubba's (spelling?) with favs of my daughter and for me. I have bought the presents for all the people and wrapping those and sending my hubby with love. They will enjoy the day, not worried about them and plan on doing the same for daughter and me. Thanks to everyone for their well wishes!

Not to mention - Agree

[ In Reply To ..]
With finances tight, it's very difficult for me, as sole breadwinner, to come up with all of the money required for the gifts that go along with these holiday get-togethers (whether they be holiday gifts or what I feel is the obligatory host/hostess gift). I don't enjoy showing up empty-handed to these types of get-togethers, so I feel much more comfortable politely declining and doing something with just my family instead. It keeps my stress level lower and I don't have to feel like a pauper for not showing up with a decent gift for the host/hostess.

I know my "empty-handed syndrome" doesn't apply to everyone, but it's a real deal-breaker for me.

Gosh, I feel terrible reading this post - LuckyGal

[ In Reply To ..]
I can't say I can relate to what you're going through. I'm very lucky and have a rocking MIL who has made me feel welcome and appreciated since the first time we met (before her son and I married). She honestly treats me like a daughter when I'm a guest in her home, and for that I feel extremely blessed.

The closest I can relate to your story is I had a step-grandmother who did this sort of thing to me, my sister and my brother because they were from her husband's first wife. My dad would send his father (her husband/my grandfather) 8x10 family portraits, school pictures, etc. She would hang these up...behind doors so they couldn't be seen unless the door was closed, or in a standing frame in their bedroom where they would conveniently be turned facedown ("accidentally," of course, haha). She'd also buy her "blood" grandchildren gifts and trinkets when she went shopping, and give the other grandkids those right in front of us. "Oh, I forgot all about YOU. Maybe next time." Yeah, she was a spiteful piece of work.

The best advice I can give you is to be the bigger person, make an appearance and be sickeningly sweet and pleasant to all in attendance, and then head back home before she can get under your skin. If your husband has any respect for you, he'll do as you request. No one should expect or want someone they love to sit there and be belittled for any length of time.

Good luck, and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Bitter people SUCK.

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