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Need any advice from military parents/spouses please ... (sm)

Posted: Sep 20, 2010

My daughter's husband of four months is being deployed next month to Afghanistan for a year, he actually left out this morning for military duty for the next month. She has great family support, has moved back home with us until he returns next year but I think that I am looking for any advice on how to possibly help her get through this from others that have been through it, actually not just her but for him as well. I have never been through anything like this and again, just looking for any advice.

Thanks so very much!

;

How long will he be gone? - Kendra

[ In Reply To ..]
My husband will be back from deployment in December. My best advice is for her to stay as busy as she can, that way it will seem like it goes a little faster. This has been a long deployment for us. It was supposed to be 6 months and was extended to 10. The few weeks leading up to the deployment and the first month, or so, are definitely the hardest, then we seem to get into a pattern until he comes home. Then, when he comes home it is great for a week, or so, then it gets hard again because I am so used to being in charge of everything and anything he says about how I did things seems like a little attack (even though I know he doesn't mean it that way). I think it will probably be easier for her without kids, but it is an adjustment when he leaves and an adjustment when he gets home, too. I did not realize that the first time. Good luck to your daughter! I know it sucks, but it will be over before she knows it.

re: military - Airforce momma

[ In Reply To ..]
This is my advice: Have her contact the family support services on his base. They can provide resources and support for both of them. The military knows how hard this is on families and they OFFER great services. Tell her to take this year to learn how to be a good military wife. Find out about the base, the support, employment opportunities, school, housing and so on.

What we did for my son and his wife was buy them both laptops computers and set up the Skype camera so they could communicate "face to face".

Be very supportive of BOTH of them. It's going to be rough. Help both of them commit to each other and to reassure each other that even though they are apart right now that the whole family is with them. Sometimes these times away from each other can be hard on the heart, but if they both educate themselves as to the "big picture scenario", I think it could serve as a lifetime bonding experience.

My DIL was LOST when they got stationed out "in the middle of no where" and then he got deployed. Her family was not too supportive, wanted her to come back home, told my son what a lousy man he was for "leaving her" (like he had a choice!?). But my side of the family are life-time army/navy/airforce people and brats and guided her. She has become a great military wife and found a job on the base. She is also an active member of the family support team to help out the newcomers and introduce them to the resources that are available to them.

It is important that your daughter also make friends with the other wives in the unit. They will be very important in terms of support and being able to relate to her.

Good luck, best wishes and please tell your son in law THANK YOU for his service to our country and your daughter also.

My son was in Iraq - dmz

[ In Reply To ..]
Stay busy, stay focused...the one thing we found is that the guys needed lots of things we take forgranted here - my son said there was never enough shampoo, body soap, razors....et cetera....don't know if that has changed, but I sent also a can of Lipton Iced Tea mix and the guys in his platoon went crazy over it! Send him comfort things....stay in touch as much as you can, don't freak out if you don't hear from him, he may be somewhere he can't access a way to communicate ... join the other wives groups for moral support, no one knows better than them what you are going thru. As a mom, I was a wreck, but as a wife, I'm sure it is even harder, especially being married such a short time. Above all, don't lose faith...and pray. Good luck to you.

military parent - Lynette

[ In Reply To ..]
Support her and tell her to seek out the resources on their base. In addition to e-mails and the occasional phone call, nothing lifts the spirits of a deployed person as a hand written letter and package from home.

My husband has been away for 4 months now and once a month I send a BIG box of silly things, comics, gossip magazines, frisbees, bags of candy, water guns, chapstick, wipies, jerky and the like for him to share with his friends or those who don't get packages from home. (remember the ladies too, they like hygiene products and those deo wipes and such!) I also send along newspapers from home.

He likes those microwave soups and foods for a change from mess hall foods too. Phone cards...

I sent an inflatable kiddy pool also and that was a HUGE success! He sent pictures back of a couple of big guys sitting in it cooling off. It was great!

I agree with her getting to know the wives and families of the people that her husband is deployed with. It's a great way to feel closer to your loved one when you know how many others are right there with you.

It's very important that she does not feel like "he left her". He needs to keep his head straight while he's away and having a stable stateside system of support will make his time away go quickly.

Bless you and him for his service!

Military Wife - TLA

[ In Reply To ..]

Having gone through a deployment and having moved back in with my parents while my husband was gone, the best advice I can give is for her to keep busy.

She should try and set things up where she can have a phone with her 24/7 as depending on where they are at there is no set time he will be able to call her. If he has internet access she might want to have her computer set up by her bed and on so if they can chat online she could hear the messenger when he signs in.

Attending the family support stuff is also a BIG help. Depending on your area the FSG can be good or bad, but a majority of the time, even if the women running it are morons, there is a lot of good information and other things available there to help your daughter. There are a lot of resources available to the FSG office that your daughter can have/get.

I also suggest (for both you and your daughter) getting all the information on OPSEC ( http://www.heartsofourtroops.com/opsec_rules2.htm ) and taking it to heart.

Also, I would give her space and time. I wouldn't try to force her to do anything.

Another thought, I don't know if they have kids or if she is pregnant, but if they do or are, I would have her write a will up. Not a fun thing to think about, but it needs to be done. The military should have made him do his will and living will. If she is going to have his power of attorney she needs to make sure all those documents are up to date too. A lot of this information is also avialable through FSG as well.

If you want, you can sure send me an email through here and I would be more then happy to give you any more information that I can.

Oh, and I forgot... - Kendra

[ In Reply To ..]
There is a website called Build a Sign that gives out free banners to military families for welcome home or whatever, which is kind of fun. You still have to pay shipping and handling, but it doesn't end up being too much. Will post the URL below. You have to order pretty early, though, to get it on time if you don't want to pay a fortune to have it rushed.

Thank you all for your replies. Unfortunately we live almost three hours (sm) - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
from the base, however, my daughter has befriended all of the wives/girlfriends, etc., in my SILs company and hopefully that will help. He is going to be gone for at least a year, possibly up to 18 months but currently is gone for 4 weeks for training. My plan is to keep her as busy as she allows, not pushing her, and thankfully with her starting back to school she will be busy.

My uncle was killed in Vietnam but I am not from a military family so this is new to me. I just want to be able to support both of them as much as I possibly can and I am so thankful for each of your replies.

God bless each of you who have family members serving, have served and also to each of you who are left behind to carry on. I have come to realize very quickly just how special a wife or husband of someone in the military actually is.

re: three hours - AF

[ In Reply To ..]
Most bases have a web site! She should check it out.

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