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Visitation time for noncustodial parents

Posted: Nov 10, 2013

My child's father is the noncustodial parent. He seems to think anytime he chooses and returns my child is fine. This is fast becoming a problem as I'm stuck sitting here waiting on him to get around to picking her up and returning her. This weekend he's volunteering at the local NFL stadium. He does this to see the game for free. Couple that with the fact that he is disabled and receives SSDI. I don't know what my options are or how to set up specific times to have her picked up by and returned. The man is notorious for running late and seems to run on his own schedule - whenever he feels like it. Advice??

;

go to the courts and have visit times scheduled - but...

[ In Reply To ..]
He will still be late. He obviously has no respect for you, but as I see it, you don't for him either. Why you would throw the father of your child under the bus is beyond me. There was no reason to bring up the fact that he is on SSDI, and who cares if he volunteers to see a game for free.

How about you try to explain to him that its hard for you to plan your day when your waiting on him, and then lift him up and encourage him to do better? And then realize that nobody on this planet will do things exactly the way you want them done.

You can't change him. You have to change how you respond.

Very well said - see msg pls

[ In Reply To ..]
Geez, she doesn't want to solve the problem, she just wants to diss her ex-husband.

So, question for the OP: You chose a bum for a husband, and had a kid with him. Now the kid is in the middle of this mess that you created and you want what? OR, you chose a nice guy and you treated him like crap and he dumped you. Now the kid is in the middle of this mess that you created and you want what?

Oh, to just sit and diss your ex. Do you realize that your child is in a tug of war? If you think the kid doesn't pick up on your hostility, you're wrong. We did here and we have not even spent one second in person with you.

Wow - You guys are a pretty judgmental lot! - tb

[ In Reply To ..]
You cant change other people, and I agree that he will probably continue to do this stuff, even if you were to take him to court. And so ya, the answer is to change you, the only person you have control over.

I would also guess that if you guys were able to communicate with each other, you would not be divorced and/or have this issue..

Sooo.. you might have to do some boundary setting. Are you able to discuss the timing issues with him and come to a compromise? For things like a ballgame, you might want to do some proactive time management where you understand that game lengths and traffic affect when he can bring your child home and adjust for that - if being later coming home is not possible, then make other arrangements, i.e. visit on different day or adjust your schedule to accommodate, etc.

Then let him know at your end where you can give and not. For instance, if he is to pick your child up at 10 am, let him know he needs to be on time because you have an appointment at 11, and if hes not there on time, you will have to leave and visitation may have to be rescheduled because you have somewhere to be and cannot wait.

Visitation - OP - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
The hostility is not transferred to my daughter. I buy her father's day gift, Christmas gifts and birthday gifts for her to give him out of my pocket. He is never uninvited to any game, school program or birthday. Yeah, I made a bad choice and I live with that but that's not her fault and I've never made it her fault. This is a man who wouldn't work regularly, tells everyone he served in Desert Storm when the furthest he's ever gone is Texas. I find this shameful to all those who have spent many tours overseas and have lost their lives. He lost respect from me when he lied to the court that he takes regular visitation, which is every 3-4 months at best and they gave him monetary credit towards his child support. He treats her like a doll he can play with sometimes. It hurts me that she goes to visit and he takes off.

Visitiation - OP - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm not throwing anyone under the bus. He can volunteer and play softball and he's DISABLED. Do you know I get a whole $120 a month to support my child because "he can't afford more"?!?!? HE volunteers to see a game on his weekends for visitation. How about spending time with his daughter?? Bringing her home at 8 p.m. or so, unfed to boot, makes it hard for her to get her homework done and get ready for school on Mondays. He owes me more respect and his daughter!

I understand your frustration - but

[ In Reply To ..]
your daughter is counting on you to keep a cool head. You don't have to say anything bad about him - she is going to see everything and make up her own mind about him as she becomes an adult.

Having said that, I do agree that you can't control/change him, but how you react to him is in your hands. I don't know what your custody agreement says, but I'm sure there is nothing in it that prevents you from having your child finish her homework before she goes off for the weekend (unless she goes straight to him after getting out of school on Friday - in that case, schedule cozy time between you and her when she comes home to de-stress and get up an hour early on Monday to do the homework). Build a schedule based on his unpredictability that works for her.

When the time for his pick up is scheduled, plan it at somewhere beside the custodial home. Meet at a McDonald's and let her play for a set amount of time. If he is running late and doesn't show for (example) 30 minutes after the scheduled time, write it in a fact log and go home. It's up to you whether to answer your phone if he calls to complain that you were not there when he was and he missed his visit. It may be hard at first to be consistent (you want the child to see her dad), but you also need to show him that both parties maintaining a schedule is the best thing for the child.

Same for coming home. It is in your daughter's best interest to be home by a certain time on Sunday. If he is constantly late, go to court and have the order changed to bringing her home on Saturday since Sunday returns are too unpredictable and stressful.

Talk to your daughter about how she feels about what is going on and let her know you support her and will help her as best you can, and that means not sounding off about him to her (I don't know if you do that or not - I'm just offering some advice here). I think you are probably just venting here more than anything and the people jumping on you are about as worthy to offer advice as the advice they offer.

I never did get any CS money and after 2 years, I gave up on hoping for visitations for my child. She knows the deal and she knows I have been there and who hasn't. I teach her that family is more than just people related to blood - family is people who take an active role to be positive and have her best interest as part of their code of conduct.

Advice - cris

[ In Reply To ..]
You chose to have a child with this man. He was good enough to be a father then. I doubt he turned into a louse overnight. I say this as someone who went through something very similar. I married and had two children with a selfish guy who could never keep a job. I was young and stupid and thought he would change. He didn't. So I had to deal with him the way he was. I didn't restrict his visitation. I didn't bad mouth him to the kids. We didn't have a visitation schedule because he never would have kept to it. He saw the kids when it was convenient for him. He could go months without seeing them. Sometimes he didn't show up when he was supposed to, sometimes he didn't show up at all. There were times when I had to be inconvenienced to allow for him to spend time with the children, there were other times I told him he'd have to do it another day. But never did I go out of my way to make it difficult for him. I didn't have the right to determine whether he was a good father or not. I didn't have the right to poison my children against him. He loved his kids and no amount of bitterness in me could make that untrue.

My kids are teenagers now. They love their father, but they know they cannot count on him. They had to learn that by experiencing it themselves. That is just the way it had to be.

My advice? Let the guy know he has to stick to a schedule but don't expect him to actually do it, and don't be vindictive when he doesn't stick to it. If he shows up late and you've somewhere to be, don't wait around for him. But don't deny him visitation out of spite simply to teach him a lesson. People like him don't learn. And the only one who will suffer is the child.

Be the adult in this situation. Your child will recognize him for what he is someday, and your child will thank you for being the better parent.

If he's disabled have you applied for social security? - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
http://www.ssa.gov/pubs/EN-05-10085.pdf

Your child can get benefits if he or she is your
biological child, adopted child or dependent
stepchild. (In some cases, your child also
could be eligible for benefits on his or her
grandparents’ earnings.)
To get benefits, a child must have:
• A parent(s) who is disabled or retired and
entitled to Social Security benefits; or
• A parent who died after having worked long
enough in a job where he or she paid Social
Security taxes.
The child also must be:
• Unmarried;
• Younger than age 18;
• 18-19 years old and a full-time student (no
higher than grade 12); or
• 18 or older and disabled. (The

benefits from SSI - Effie

[ In Reply To ..]
Great, helpful advice...

SSI - OP - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
Yep, the fed gov't gives my daughter $120 a month. He pays NOTHING out of pocket because the court determined he can't afford it. He gets over $1000 a month. Doesn't cover insurance for her either. They also wiped out all of his arrearage the last time we went to court. Fun, fun! Meanwhile he has a Wii, the latest XBox, a 50 inch TV and can afford the latest iPhone and Sprint coverage. Unbelievable!

WTH - Why are you guys

[ In Reply To ..]
disliking her posts? She's got a worthless ex. A lot of us made bad choices when we were young. People make mistakes. She didn't say she is talking trash on him in front of her daughter. She just came on here to vent and got into some holier-than-thou BS. OP, sorry for you; it's not fair that he gets all the breaks and is not properly supporting your daughter.

A howling pack of mothers in law with deadbeat sons - MacroDiva

[ In Reply To ..]
Dear OP,
On reading through this thread, I see so much condemnation and criticism of you, and you deserve exactly NONE of it.
This is what I think I see, and moving into the 70th decade of my life I think I see things pretty clearly.

What is with you ladies, condemning this poor woman because she was once young, in love, with stars in her eyes, never dreaming her hero would turn out to be such a cad? How in the heck was she, in early 20s perhaps, to know that this ardent young lover telling her she was beautiful, promising her the sun and the moon, that he would never love another, that he would never leave her, yada yada yada, how was she to know that he was just after what he wanted and when that lovin' feelin' was gone so was he. Did she have a crystal ball? Did she have 50 years of life under her belt so that she could sense when she was being fed a line? She was an innocent young woman, why would she be suspicious of this young man? Nothing in her young life had prepared her for that! Iâ��m sure she is plenty suspicious, distrustful and guarded with men now, are you happy now?

She is in NO WAY to blame for the fact her young man was a jerk of the first order -- probably due to the upbringing by his mother who told him that she did not want to see him tied to someone he wasn't in love with EVEN if there were children, and then when he abandons his family and does not participate in any responsible raising of his daughter, or provide substantial support, then blames her daughter-in-law for bring resentful.

So to the OP, I have this to say: My dear child, I am probably old enough your grandmother, and mother to those harpies who have such harsh words for you.

You have done nothing wrong, and you have a tough row to hoe all by yourself. You have every right to resent your husband for not providing for his daughter any better than he does. You are making plenty of sacrifices, I'm sure you are no different than any other MT in this country, and barely making enough to support one person, let alone a family.

And now, in addition, you have this perpetual adolescent, making your life even more stressful and difficult by failing to bring your daughter home at a reasonable time so that she is fresh and rested for school, not to mention the injury to your daughterâ��s health and well being, not to mention that he has the nerve to buy for himself a widescreen TV etc., when you are both father and mother, doing all that you can to provide for your daughter and give her the stability that she needs. You deserve nothing but praise and respect, and as for you mean old biddies who just canâ��t wait to jump in and condemn when she asked for a little advice, walk a mile in her shoes! Why would you offer any criticism whatsoever? I am sure her own hateful mother-in-law who raised this moral cretin offers nothing but.

If, young mother, if I were you, I would do this. I get the visitation orders modified so that your ex cannot take your daughter anywhere. He can have supervised visits in your home until such time as he demonstrates he has grown up a bit. And that he can demonstrate by starting to fork out some extra dough to help you out. I realize this is a tough option for you as well, it is nice to have some alone time without having to be a mommy, but this man is beyond irresponsible and you have a right to assert yourself BIG TIME (as my once-upon-time little boy would have said once upon a time.)

In addition, when you modify the visitation order, I would show the judge pictures of his Xbox, his widescreen, and all the rest of his toys and I would ask that those be turned over to you so they can be sold to help provide for your daughter's support.

Right on!! - Thanks for that

[ In Reply To ..]
I posted right above you. Pack of rabid dogs on these boards, I tell ya...

to the nicompoop who disliked my post - MacroDiva

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't know if you disliked my post because you are a mother-in-law of an irresponsible son or the 2nd wife trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, and excuse the wretched treatment of your husband/boyfriend's wife and child, by blaming her, but remember this:

In the Bible, it says that the Lord will not hear your prayers through her tears. (I think this is in Leviticus.) The Lord utters not one word against a wife who has been abandoned, not one!

And that wretch has abandoned her. It does not matter what the reason was they did not stay married, who knows, who cares. The point is that he has abondoned his daughter, and failed to take any responsibilities as a father. This young mother has every right to be angry and I for one do not blame her if she expresses it from time to time. Better that, than she keel over dead from a stroke or bleeding ulcer from some mistaken idea that she has to repress every honest emotion or she is a terrible mother. She is not!

And it won't hurt her daughter to see her mother upset and angry over this treatment. In fact, it is probably good, it will teach her that this is unacceptable behavior in a husband and father, and no woman should have to sweetly accept this. That man's behavior is unconscionable.

If you are a humanist, and do not believe in God, this still stands. This is ancient wisdom, ancient morality recognized at the beginning of man's recorded history.

So look it up for yourself. This young woman deserves only support and respect, and not one harsh word, EVER!

And furthermore, if her resentment, anger, and hostility does spill over from time to time, so What! It is HIS sin, not hers, HIS sin against his daughter, and his wife, with whom he stood before the throne of God, and promised to care for her and to forsake all others. He alone will answer for the evil that he has done, and she will earn a crown for her sufferings.

by harboring anger of any kind - she short-changes her child

[ In Reply To ..]
I think you are preaching to the crowd and abusing quotes of the Bible to suit your need. BTW, I supported her, did not denigrate her in any way, so don't call me rabid anything.

To support anger towards anyone is not Christ-like, and I disliked both your posts.

Good Grief - This poor child

[ In Reply To ..]
Everyone: Don't think your child doesn't know you're angry with her father. To those who say that it's "good" for the kid to know what the father did is wrong, in a way you are correct, but you have no right to place your child in the middle like that--fingerpointing, is what you are doing.

This goes on way too much these days. Yes, people can be young and stupid, but gosh darn, it's gone too far and people are choosing mates like crazy that are poor mates, or they're treating their mates like crap and the mate wants to leave.

Our kids these days are more mixed up than they've ever been---more violence than in the "old fashioned days," more wide-spread, prolonged drug use starting at an earlier age, more teen pregnancies, more broken families.

Don't think you're kids aren't absorbing all this, they are. Never, ever turn a child against their parent. However, obviously if a parent is in jail or is a total bum, you don't encourage a relationship.

How eloquently and compassionately put MacroDiva - Bad Rabbit

[ In Reply To ..]
Your advice about the modification in the visitation was spot on. To the OP: The venomous posts telling you, in essence, to suck it up for the sake of the daughter are not only hurtful but far off base. Adults get angry there is no way around that. Children need to see adults handle anger and dispute in an adult fashion so they can learn to do the same themselves. While I do not condone denigrating the offending spouse to or in front of the child (which you clearly stated you do not do), I think that your child needs to see that her mother's feelings, wants, and needs have value so that she will in turn value her own when the time comes that she has a choice to stand up for herself or suck it up went confronted with ill treatment be it from a spouse, a job, a friend, or a stranger. Too often we teach our daughters to subjugate themselves to the desires, wants, and needs of someone else. While this is not necessarily a bad thing if the someone else has her best interests at heart, it is more likely that she will meet the kind of people who target and prey on women trained in this way. Stand up for yourself in an adult manner, calmly and without histrionics. Use the options available to you through the courts, and be gracious if he (by some miracle) wakes up and treats you and your daughter with the respect to which you each are entitled. Your situation is demeaning and frustrating. Get something good out of it by using it as a teaching tool for your daughter so that she, hopefully, will not find herself in the same situation later.

Best of luck to you. You are in my prayers.

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