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Marriage advice/opinion

Posted: Jan 17, 2012

I would appreciate any opinions/advice on this. My husband is constantly complaining about food. I am not a very good cook. It is not something I enjoy, and I am just not very creative about it. I just offered four different options for dinner tonight, and he wanted none of them. I don't have anything else I can make, so this just led to a big fight as usual. Frankly, if someone were cooking for me all the time, I would eat whatever they put in front of me and be happy I didn't have to cook it.

I have two basically full-time jobs (40 hours and 35 hours), one of which I actually have to go to an office for, and I am expected to provide him with three meals a day. He doesn't work. He is often asleep when I leave for work in the morning and I don't always wake up early enough to wake him up and make him breakfast. Then, he will just not eat anything all day until I get home from work, so he always says I'm starving him.

We fight constantly about food, and just saying that seems so ridiculous to me.

Thanks for any advice.

;

There wouldn't be any fighting any more - see why

[ In Reply To ..]
You need one less mouth to feed and one less argument in your life.

I have no clue why women do this, but there is no excuse for a man to be in the house and not doing anything. Just like it is unacceptable for a woman to lay around and do nothing.

You work, 2 full time jobs to boot. He should be cooking, cleaning and working 1 full time job. Why you tolerate this, I will never know. I guess I was taught that worthless people can go to the curb and never to support a deadbeat, but hey... do what you gotta do. I guess you could pick up some cook books and get the apron between jobs to keep a warm body in that bed.

It's crazy! I know so many women whose .... - CMTx2

[ In Reply To ..]
husbands just lay around and won't work!

I know a woman who got married, and the very next day her new husband quit his job and parked his butt on the couch for the next 8 years.

Seriously? - Bye-Bye Baby

[ In Reply To ..]
The only advice I have to offer isn't legal...

You are starving him??? Really??? - This is too funny.

[ In Reply To ..]
Why are you doing all the cooking?

My advice or opinion is that you have your own head examined.

How old is this "man"? - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
This really sounds like a teenager. A "man" does not sit at home doing nothing while his wife is working 2 jobs. I know the economy is tough right now with jobs, but really? You have much bigger issues to argue over than food. This guy better be thanking his lucky stars for you all day every day, because if he were mine (he wouldn't be) he literally would starve if he waited on me. I cook for my husband, but he appreciates it. That stops, and the cooking for him is likely to go to.

Need more information. - 2Cents

[ In Reply To ..]
My first question is how old are you guys? My grandmother's generation waited on their husbands, but my mother's didn't (and mine doesn't). Seriously, to me this sounds like a codependent relationship. (I.E., you are the one who is codependent and feel a need (or have in the past) to
"coddle" or "baby" him.) There are tons of websites and books about this. Usually it is seen in drug/alcohol or other addictions but NOT always.

My next question would be how long did you date him, and was he this way when you were dating? Were expectations about cooking, etc. discussed during courtship?

If I were you, I would buy a CrockPot and a good CrockPot cookbook. *HE* can learn to cook starting with that!

Info - fed up

[ In Reply To ..]
Thank you for your replies. I know I am crazy to put up with this crap. I should have left a long time ago when we were still renting and it would have been so much easier, but I guess I was too young and stupid to figure that out then. Now, I have a mortgage and a house that is not in the greatest shape in a bad market, and I feel stuck.

To answer your questions, I'm in my late 30s, and he is in his early 40s. We actually lived together for several years before we got married. We ate out a lot, but I did cook as well. He's always been picky, but not as bad as this. So, he knew perfectly well that I was not the best cook and really have no desire to be since I hate it.

If he's not working, then clearly you can afford the mortgage - on your own, right?

[ In Reply To ..]
There's no time like the present to kick his lazy butt out. I'm guessing you can afford the mortgage on your own since he's not working, or is there another source of income?

As to the fight about the options for dinner and him not wanting any of them - there's a very simple answer to that. You make yourself a sandwich and tell him to knock himself out and fix whatever it is that he would like. All cooking for anyone but myself would stop instantly. If he gets hungry, he'll get up and eat.

You're never stuck with the mortgage and/or the house. At the worst, you could walk away and take the hit to your credit. Depending on how bad it is that action, even though drastic, could be worth it to get to a situation where you are much more comfortable. You don't say if you have kids or pets, etc., and certainly that changes things, but you always have options, it's just a matter of how bad the options look to you.

Seriously, though. Kick him out - just make sure you have someone with you at the house when you do it in case he gets violent. You're too smart to put up with that kind of crap.

You're right - fed up

[ In Reply To ..]
I could probably afford the mortgage better without him since I wouldn't have him going out and buying stuff. I just don't think I can kick him out. My name is the only one on the mortgage, but his name is also on the deed to the house. I know, not too bright on my part. I need to probably go to a lawyer and see what my options are. I just don't know how I'm going to pay for that. I know he is not going to let me go peacefully, so it would probably get expensive. Why would he? Who else is he going to get to support him and wait on him hand and foot.

Quit waiting on him hand and foot and he might go on his own. - Doubt it, but your work load will be less. nm

[ In Reply To ..]
x

Food is not the problem... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I posted below about working together to solve the issue, but now reading this, I don't think food is the problem. How is he buying things if he does not work and why doesn't he work?? I have never been in your shoes, but I would not allow him ANY money from my pay and I would stop making it comfortable for him, meaning I would shut off the cable and have password-protected internet service. If you are out of the house all day working, I would shut the heat off while I was gone and let him sit there and be cold and hungry. I would eat on my way home from work and let him fend for himself. Maybe if you hit him some "sanctions," he will get the idea. It has been my experience that vermin generally go where the food is and will leave once that source dries up. There is no good reason for a grown man not to work. It is a sign of poor character. I would not even have a friend like that, let alone a husband, as I could not respect them in the slightest, especially if I was working 75 hours a week.

You've gotten a lot of advice - for your situation

[ In Reply To ..]
Only you can know whether your relationship is worth working on and salvaging. Sounds like he's not willing to step up, though, and that would be a deal breaker for me.

As far as legal assistance goes, do you have a university near you? Call the law school and see if they have a legal aid department. Try lsc.gov - they are a non profit organization that specializes in legal help for low income individuals.

The one poster who gave the suggestions about shutting off everything was absolutely right on. Shut off the cable if you have it, password protect the internet, even go so far as to take the mouse and the keyboard from the computer if you need to when you leave, cut off the land line phone if you have one and only use your cell phone. Leave as little food in the house as possible and when you are making something, make only enough for yourself. If he doesn't like it, he'll get off his lazy rear and do something about it.

Soul-Searching - MT

[ In Reply To ..]
Thanks for the info. It does help flesh out the picture.

What I'm wondering now is if you REALLY hate cooking. Please hear me out:

I love to cook, but it's been an "acquired taste." My mother didn't cook -- we ate out at every meal -- so I had no "training" in it. I had to learn on my own via cookbooks and a few basic tips from my sister.

I have discovered that cooking is a wonderful creative outlet for me. HOWEVER, if I "had to" cook -- whether for myself or someone else -- it would take all the joy out of it. Talk to many folks who enjoy cooking, and you will hear them say that the reason they don't want to go to work as a chef is because then it would be a "job."

Another example: I love horses, not just riding but taking care of them (grooming, bathing, etc.). I once took a job in a stable but HATED all of the things that I used to enjoy doing.

IF you can get away from the "have to" aspect of cooking (especially when the person who is expecting/demanding it of/from you is someone you have grown to resent), you just may discover that you ENJOY it! :)

I do realize that cooking is NOT the real issue here, but I did want to throw this into the mix for your consideration.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

I would tell him that since he has so much - mthead

[ In Reply To ..]
time on his hands he ought to go to the grocery store and pick out what he wants to eat. When he brings it home, tell him that since he bought it, he can cook it, and if he doesn't like that, he can get the heck out of the house.

Okay this is what I would do. sm - Sheila

[ In Reply To ..]
First of all..FORGET making breakfast and lunch. He is a grown man. He can handle it. Second my husband is a way better cook than me but it depends on the meal. Third, if you really want to give him options, here they are: Ramen noodles, peanut butter and jelly, grilled cheese (if he can manage to toast the bread) and fourth, a good old can of chicken noodle soup. When he gripes about that then you look at him and say... if you can do better, "show me. I'm busy and off to work. Oh by the way, that's right, your doing nothing so practice your freaking cooking skills!" Don't let him talk to you this way. I have been married for 23 years. There are many days my cooking stinks (yea I HATE to cook). My husband is only home on the weekends at this point. All he has to do is say one negative thing and I will look at him and say "there is the kitchen. Hit it buddy!" He shuts up immediately and the next night usually cooks too. Don't let him talk down to you no matter what. Explain his role in the family at this time. He is not work hence he can practice being a freaking chef if he wants to gripe so much about the food! Stand up for yourself! I will be sending positive thoughts your way!!

Same thing here. Years ago, DH griped about laundry, he has been doing - his own since then, many years. He must SM

[ In Reply To ..]
have forgot about that cause then he griped something hadnt been done and my reply was it didnt get done cause I was out buying Christmas gifts for HIS family. Well, says he, I didnt ask you to buy their gifts. Bonanza for me!!. Yep, you guessed it, I have bought no more gifts for his family since then, many years ago. He does it all himself now.

Quit cooking. He will starve and die and you will be a free, - happy, cook only if you want to, single. nm

[ In Reply To ..]
x

Food fight.... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
My husband was raised that the wife does the cooking and cleaning, so I do. I love to cook and was a chef for many years and have owned my own restaurant at one point, so I have a lot of experience. My kids and my husband expect a full meal every night and if I wimp out and say sandwiches, they pout, but I say I have to work and thats that. We never eat out because my food is always better, although there are times it would be easier. Maybe you could turn the fight around by looking together on line at recipe sites for things you could make ahead and freeze and see what he would like, then both of you together take a day, shop, cook, freeze and clean up. That way, he can pick what he wants, pull it out in the morning and heat through at dinnertime. If you do that twice a month and involve him, it might just take the fight out of the whole situation. I have to say my husband would have a fit if I only made 4 different dishes, but then again, he works very hard to pay the bills and make a comfortable life for me and my family. If he did not, I would probably have a different attitude. The work thing is whole different issue. Maybe you are unconsciously punishing him for being lazy, not that I would blame you. Also, he is a grown man. He should be able to feed himself during the day while you are gone. If he can't, that would be his problem. Good luck. Try some new dishes and, you never know, you might start to enjoy cooking as hobby rather than a chore if you are not under the gun every night to get something on the table.

why should she cook at all? She is working 2 full time jobs - OMG

[ In Reply To ..]
Seriously... HE NEEDS TO BE COOKING!! If he complained 1 time, I would open the front door and say SEE YA!

Dont give her advise to open cookbooks and go online to find recipes... SHE IS WORKING. HE IS DOING NOTHING!

Not every single disagreement.... - needs to end in divorce. sm

[ In Reply To ..]
She married him for a reason, hopefully because she loves him. Why not look for a solution without immediately jumping to the conclusion of kicking him out. She knew who he was when she married him, just as he did her. As far as not working, that would be the issue for me, not the mealtime arguement. I don't want a man who does not work to provide for the family, therefore, I would not have married a bum man/child who cannot feed himself, but she is already in the boat, so maybe the better solution for her would be some compromise rather than immediately jumping to divorce. I think too many people would rather divorce than work on their relationships. I also said that they should work TOGETHER to make freezer meals for the month, not just her. I assume she also eats. I have been with my husband since I was 21 and not all of it has been bliss, but we pushed through and have a better relationship for it.

Maybe he had a job when they married. And small issues frequently - grate worse than the big ones. sm

[ In Reply To ..]
And yes, I am sure she loved him at one time, but putting up with behavour such as his will kill love quickly.

YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
You want to work 2 jobs, do all the cooking and whatever else, and be ordered around by this bum, then dont complain.

If you dont like being treated like that, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Sounds familiar - - ...to me

[ In Reply To ..]
You don't give any background with your current situation. I'm not asking - but there are circumstances that place me in the same boat with the other oar - you and I are rowing in circles. I've been married over 20 years. My DH was wonderful when we married. Little did I know within 10 years his totally dormant bipolar would flare. My husband now spends most of his time in bed (sleeping) - has been on numerous different medications and treatment regimens, has seen so many specialists it is awful. For better or worse definitely applies here. When you post he does not work - has he always not worked or did he lose a job in the not too distant past? Men are so tied to what they do - it makes them think that is who they are. Is your husband possibly depressed? I'm not a psychiatrist by any means but I have been through the whole wringer here over 10 years...still here, though, and hoping for the future. I have 2 kids who both are still at home, and I have been working 2 jobs as long as I can remember, plus laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning, paying bills, etc. It probably appears ridiculous to those of you reading and not sitting here beside me, but I can relate to the OP, again just wondering as to how things got this way. One poster says she would not marry a bum who did not work - what happens when the man you love and want to spend the rest of your life with develops a mental illness that came "out of nowhere" - He supported you and the family until he could no longer...the "bum" you married is now ...what...a bum? I have drawn several lines in the sand and have crossed every one of them in the past few years. I just wanted the OP to know she is not the only one out here doing everything - and I apologize for presuming or projecting my situation onto yours - but there may be more reasons than laziness for the "bum" who is starving all day (and blaming you for it)...he literally may not be able to get out of bed...sounds really stupid, but I've seen it. I wish you well, OP - and hope your situation turns around - however you got there.

Thank you for sharing your story.....sm - Duchess

[ In Reply To ..]
I wanted to post something that might help you in turn for encouraging this women. If the guy is a bum, I hope she will kick him to the curb or at the very least, try the techniques mentioned and he straightens up and flies right. For you, I do not know all the avenues you have checked out to help your husband. If you have not had his thyroid checked, you might want to have it done especially free T3, free T4, and Reverse T3. Most especially the reverse T3. If you google T3 the negleted child, you will see the blog of an ARNP who has had success getting bipolar patients off their meds and onto thyroid meds and is having very good benefits from it. I hope this will help. Just in case you hadn't heard about this because a lot of doctors are not familiar with the reverse T3 issue.

should be woman....sorry....nm - Duchess

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

Thank you, Duchess... - ...to me

[ In Reply To ..]
I thank you for the thoughtful reply. We (I say "we" because it seems to be "our" issue - a mentally ill person cannot make the best choices in self-care) have had testing for years and all thyroid functions have been included and repeated. We have seen an endocrinologist, psychiatrist, psychologist, neurologist, internist, GI specialist, nutritionist, chiropractor, and probably more than I can think of. Medications and behavioral therapy are managed by a Psychiatrist and Psychiatry NP right now. Between my 2 jobs we have good insurance. Our copayments on medications alone are $300 a month. I'm not whining - Lord knows I have good reasons to, but I'd rather be hopeful and try everything in my arsenal before giving up. For better or worse...richer or poorer...and definitely worse and poorer right now, but we have also lived the "better and richer" and had no complaints then. I'm so glad to have made great memories during those times - it helps get me through these bad ones. Sorry to go on so long. I swear I should write a blog, but then people would know who I was and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me.

Have you checked ....sm - Duchess

[ In Reply To ..]
food intolerance issues....if you will me email I can send you some links that deal with issues of MSG, GMO, and stuff that can affect these kinds of disease processes. I am a firm believer that this just does not happen but there is a catalyst that sets it off....just something to think about....and if you want to blog, blog, there are plenty who do it under a pen name. Praying the Lord heals or helps you find something that will help your husband.

Thank you - Fed up

[ In Reply To ..]
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you're in that situation, but it is helpful to know I'm not alone. My husband was not always like this, but we have been together for a really long time, since I was a teenager. Back then, he was the sweetest guy you could find. Even later on, after when we were living together, we certainly fought, but he did work and I didn't feel like I was a single woman raising a child, which is basically how I feel. Luckily, I don't have any actual children. He was in a car accident not long after we got married and couldn't do the work he used to do after that and has not worked since. I understand he can't do what he used to, but he could certainly do something, anything. Even if he didn't have a job, if he would just do something around the house, it would be at least some contribution. I do believe he does have a mental illness, probably bipolar. He gets angry about basically everything and everything is someone else's fault, usually mine. It's to the point that I can't even stand being around him, and he would never go to a psychiatrist. In his mind, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way he acts. We have been married 15 years, and I just don't think I can take it anymore. I know there is a part of me that still loves him, but most of the time, I really feel like I hate him. I wish you the best with your family.

I appreciate all of the advice from everyone. It has given me a lot to think about. I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself and figure out what to do about it.

What? He is lucky you fix anything for him... - blondie

[ In Reply To ..]
If you are working 75 hours a week, he needs to be cooking YOU dinner. I'll be danged if I'd cook for him while he does nothing all day. And if he is too lazy to fix himself something to eat all day while you're gone, LET HIM DO WITHOUT. Geez...

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